T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33170
posted 03-21-2007 11:51 PM
My boyfriend wants me to lose weight. After 6 awesome months together he's admitted to being completely shallow. He thinks I'm beautiful, but could lose a few extra pounds.
I know I'm not stick thin, but losing weight for someone else just seems absurb. After alot of arguing with him, I finally agreed that I'd start eating a little more healthier. But lately he's been bugging me every day, and yesterday he told me he'd given himself a month to see changes. This is the part where I stormed out of the room. I'm just so angry at him for pressuring me so much. I'm trying to think of things I can say to him, to make him see how selfish he's being, and how much it's affecting how I feel about myself. I know the obvious answer is going to be "dump him", and I have considered this. But I'm trying to have this one last chat with him, to see if he really does love me enough to stop laying the pressure on so thickly. Any advice for what I could say? =/
Member # 33078
posted 03-21-2007 11:59 PM
mmm.. silent treatment?
tell him HE could lose a few pounds, and you will give him a week to change, and see visable improvement that should make him sputter a bit. seriously, if he doesn't improve in his attitude, I would personally say get rid of him.
Member # 25983
posted 03-22-2007 12:00 AM
Oh, lord, girl. What an ***. If I'm reading this right, he set a one-month ultimatum?! Does he even realize, in his insensitive, shallow brain, that is an incredibly unhealthy timeframe of weight loss? Don't stand for it, at all. If you want to try talking to him one last time, you can say something like:
"I was under the impression you cared about me and found me attractive. That sort of care supposedly comes unconditionally; I like the way I look, I'm proud of the way I look, and I'm not changing it for anybody but myself if I so choose. Frankly, your lack of sensitivity and patience in this matter, indicated by the unrealistic expectations shows me that you're simply not interested in a relationship suited for the long haul. So, if it's someone skinny you want, be my guest and go off and find someone. It'll sure be sad when you realize how much more there is to a person than arbitrary standards set by the media." [ 03-22-2007, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]
Member # 33170
posted 03-22-2007 12:10 AM
Selkie, I can't really do that since he's really skinny, and he's actually trying to gain weight, lol. It sucks, cuz I've never pressured him into anything and have told him I like him the way he is.
Miss Lauren, thanks for your advice, I'm definatly going to take note on alot of what you said.
Member # 33109
posted 03-22-2007 12:50 AM
Okay I know you think that the cliched posts are going to be "dump him," or something to that effect, but you know what? If he's going to start bugging you about this now, how's he going to react to future things? Even about someting other than weight. Plus he has to confess this to you after 6 months? I just honestly think that's a little weird. I mean you guys were dating for 6 months and he doesn't bring this up but suddenly does now? No offense, but what else is going to spring on you in the future. Maybe you could politely let him know that first off all, you are fine with the way you look, second of all people who love you will take you for who you are and no more and no less, and third of all, maybe ask himself what his reaction would be the situation were reversed and if hes shallow enough not to put himself in your shoes and get that what he is asking of you is incredibly mean and below grade 12 level, then maybe just let him kindly know, that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he's not the one you want. I know you might not want to dump him, and you can give people second chances, but why be with someone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are completely, when there is definitely someone out there who would.
Member # 29762
posted 03-22-2007 01:26 AM
i cannot believe your boyfriend said that to you. you should get rid of him and find someone who honestly thinks you're beautiful just the way you are. don't turn the tables on him, just get rid of him. i'm sorry that's not what you want to hear but he should NOT be trying to fit you into his mold. i would be offended if he were my boyfriend.
Member # 3
posted 03-22-2007 10:30 AM
There's a reason that a lot of relationship experts consider the first six months a courting period, AFTER which time people start to show more of their true colors, and why they suggest not making big commitments or getting very deeply involved before then.
Frankly, I'd tell someone like this that I have NO problem losing weight, Quite a lot of it, actually: the weight that is THEM. He gave you an ultimatum to start looking the way he wants you to look: I have to say, I just really don't know how one'd get past that one, since clearly he thinks doing that is on acceptable thing to do. I'm SO glad to hear you being strong enough to know what lunacy this is and not start trying to change your weight to suit a partner's ideals: a lot of other girls, sadly, would not.
Member # 33170
posted 03-22-2007 11:09 PM
Well we had a chat today. It's kind of complicated why he wants me to lose weight. His family is of an Indian background and they believe all females should be stick thin. I just found out today that his mother was trying to pressure him into dumping me because I'm bigger than him, so he had a fight with her and told her he didn't want to. He just wants me to lose a bit of weight to get them all to back off.. which I know is still kind of dumb cuz he should be thinking for himself, but I know how important family is to him. And he told me he only wanted me to lose 2kg a month, which I don't think sounds too unreasonable...
So I agreed to this... I told him I'd still keep trying to lose weight, if he got rid of the one month ultimatum and also paid for a very expensive gym membership for me, lol. We'll see how it goes... and if things still don't work out, at least I got me a gym membership out of it.
Member # 3
posted 03-22-2007 11:19 PM
I can't deny that I didn't come unto this tonight, read this, and just be really bummed out.
You know, for many years, I lived in an Indian neighborhood, worked with plenty of Indian women and Indian families and just in case you're comehow supporting this because it's been presented to you that somehow all Indian people are sizeist....well, bullocks. Not sure if that's what you're suggesting but if so? Not cool. The problem here isn't your weight (and I have to admit, I'm pretty wary this is even entirely about his mother, because when you first posted, he was saying something quite different: tjhis sounds mighty convenient). And this problem -- if this IS really the problem -- won't be solved by your weight loss. FYI? First few months at a gym, if you're not fit? You're likely to gain muscle, and may wind up gaining weight. What happens then? And 5 pounds a month until you weigh WHAT? You know, I don't even know why I bothered mentioning that, because I'll be frank: making agreements about what you'll weigh to satisfy ANYONE but your own darn self, or for your health, is just all kinds of bad news. So...let's say you go ahead and do this foolishness. What exactly is it that he'd be doing for you in return that's that kind of sacrifice? And when I talk about your sacrifice, I'm not talking about working out, I'm talking about sacrificing your dignity, which is what's involved in "deals" like this. It's your self-respect on the line here: what's on the line for him? [ 03-22-2007, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 33170
posted 03-23-2007 07:48 PM
I understand not all Indians think like that, it's mainly his family.
In return, he's gaining weight, and also paying for the gym membership for me. Like I said, we have had a really long chat about this, he understands that he was being a jerk. But I've decided to lose a little bit of weight for myself. Thanks for your advice guys.
Member # 33356
posted 04-07-2007 11:03 PM
does he want you to lose weight for your health?(i highly doubt it) but i also have been dating my girlfriend for a month and she weighs 120 which is great but she thinks she is fat so im dieting with her so she wont do it alone..but for him to give you a time limit shows he just wants a hot body and love...and if your love isnt enough for him then tell him to hit the high road
Member # 25425
posted 04-08-2007 06:21 AM
ae555, maybe encouraging your girlfriend to accept her body the way it is would be more helpful in the long run than supporting her dieting?
And if allyice's boyfriend doesn't like her body that is his problem, not hers. His demands are out of line and disrespectful, no matter his motivations.
Member # 33376
posted 04-09-2007 08:11 AM
i'm confused. most indian women are curvy and in india, the sign of a healthy person is on how much weight they have on them. i really don't understand
Member # 17971
posted 04-09-2007 10:18 AM
quote: Originally posted by selina: i'm confused. most indian women are curvy and in india, the sign of a healthy person is on how much weight they have on them. i really don't understand However, in much of Asia and the Middle East as well, the beauty "ideal" is being "fair" and petite (even with curves, it's still ideal to be on the small side). Not saying that everyone buys into this, but many do. quote: Originally posted by allyice11: Well we had a chat today. It's kind of complicated why he wants me to lose weight. His family is of an Indian background and they believe all females should be stick thin. I just found out today that his mother was trying to pressure him into dumping me because I'm bigger than him, so he had a fight with her and told her he didn't want to. He just wants me to lose a bit of weight to get them all to back off.. which I know is still kind of dumb cuz he should be thinking for himself, but I know how important family is to him. And he told me he only wanted me to lose 2kg a month, which I don't think sounds too unreasonable... Honestly, this is a bunch of BS. You're sacrificing your dignity and losing weight to do...what? Appease his family?
Family is important, but can you imagine what a nightmare this would turn into if you were to get even more serious in the future? Would his mother be allowed to tell you to lose the weight ASAP after you have a kid? Or dye your hair because you don't fit her ideal for her son's partner? They may have their son's best interests at heart, but he has no right to ask you to do such a thing. They don't get to tell you how to look, and it's pretty unsettling that he's buying into what they're saying. [ 04-09-2007, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: faifai ]
Member # 33376
posted 04-09-2007 10:27 AM
i understand the issue over having fair colouring (which is also bull as far as i'm concerned) but as far as i can see it, the issue is redundant. it has no point to it at all
Member # 30348
posted 04-15-2007 12:52 PM
I would have to say I agree with most of the girls here. I understand you feel very close to your boyfriend, after 6 months of a good relationship you should. But...he's overstepped the line.
Here are my thoughts on this situation. Your boyfriend, if the true reason for wanting you to lose weight is his family, should have told you that in the first place and not set you a deadline. That's just not being honest. I'll admit that I don't know anything about Indian culture or their expectations, but listen here: You Aren't Indian. So why should you have to lose weight to make them happy? Maybe you should sit his family down and explain that in American culture, if you are happy with your body and your appearance then that's all that matters. If they can't accept that, then it's not your problem. You just can't sacrifice your dignity and self-respect and acceptance to make someone else happy. Something else you need to understand is that 2kg is 4.4 lbs. If he wants you to lose that a week, sorry if that's wrong because I can't remember exactly what you wrote, but that's unhealthy. You say you don't want to lose weight, then don't. You obviously sound happy with your body and that's fantastic. Now, I know you think that a problem could be that if you do tell your boyfriend's family that you are happy with your body that they'll pressure him to break up with you and he'll eventually bow to the pressure. This also is something you can't do anything about. If perhaps this situation occurs, then maybe he's not the person that can give you what you need. You need full-body and soul acceptance and this isn't what's happening. This is going to take a lot of give and take between you and your boyfriend and you and his family and him and his family. There needs to be a lot of understanding and cooperation between everyone, but DO NOT give in. Stick to your guns and make sure you are happy before anyone else. I hope this has helped. You always know what you should do, it just takes it coming from other people to put into perspective. If you ever need anymore advice, just send me a message here on Scarleteen. Good luck!