T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 3
posted 11-28-2006 07:15 PM
Seems like a simple question, right?
But it's actually the head of a really complex pile of issues. Which is why I'm curious. How do you choose your romantic or sexual partners? How much of an active choice does it feel like for you? When you do, do you feel like both of you are choosing, or that only one of you is?
Member # 31504
posted 11-28-2006 07:55 PM
For me, it's a mixture of both involuntary and voluntary actions. I am initially drawn to someone, sometimes due to deep attraction, respect, or enjoyment of their company (mostly involuntary). I choose to move forward with that feeling (voluntary), and sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
In best case scenarios, I feel like both of us in the relationship are choosing to be together. That is when both people really care about each other and want to pursue something real and meaningful. It can certainly feel like only one partner is choosing to be in the relationship. That is usually, to me, when the other partner repeatedly exhibits behaviors that are demanding, selfish and cruel. That's when you know they aren't REALLY choosing to be with YOU, they are merely choosing to be involved in something that somehow meets THEIR current need -- sexual, emotional, whatever it may be. Just my two cents.
Member # 31652
posted 11-28-2006 11:06 PM
As LadyLuck said, choosing a partner is a mixture of voluntary and involuntary things. In my experience, the initial attraction is involuntary, but acting on it isn't - which is helpful in cases where you know that the person you're attracted to wouldn't be a good partner for whatever reason.
In order for a relationship to be good, it has to be a mutual choice. One partner can be the more dominant, one partner can be the one who first tried to initiate the relationship, but unless the other person chooses to be with them, and not just anyone, it's not really a functional relationship. -Jamie
Member # 3
posted 11-28-2006 11:13 PM
Okay...and by what criteria, if and when you choose to pursue a relationship, do you apply to a given partner in choosing them?
I'm interested in that half of the question as much as the first.
Member # 25983
posted 11-28-2006 11:20 PM
I'd have to say compatible interests/hobbies, sense of humor, demeanor, intelligence and how much I grow to be physically attracted to them. I've found tangible attraction for me isn't instant; I notice a lot more things about a person that makes them beautiful as I spend more time with them.
I definately spend time as friends with people I eventually date for at least a month or more; going to movies, just talking, without any sort of attachment or pressure. If I feel like we'd be a good match, if they're fun to be around and let me feel like the best of myself, indulge me in interesting, varied conversations, I'll ask them what they think of a monogamous setup.
Member # 25425
posted 11-29-2006 02:03 AM
Ditto what the first two posters say: I'm initially drawn to someone because I find them attractive/interesting/etc. And when I get to know them, I try to figure out if we have anything in common. One thing where I just work differently, though: My relationships tend to grow from friendships. All of my partners were people I'd been friends with for at least one year or more. My current partner and I had known each other for three years when we started to develop deeper feelings.
So what criteria do I apply? Well, first, all of the friendship criteria: they need to be trustworthy, they heed to respect me, we need to have some amount of hobbies and interests in common. For more to develop, we need to have certain values in common. And, obviously, there has to be mutual attraction. So, as far as choice goes, I guess I chose my friends wisely. When an attraction starts to form, that's obviuosly not something that can be controlled. I can then decide whether or not I want to act on it, but as the saying goes, it takes two to tango and if the object of my affection feels differently, then it's not gonna happen.
Member # 31504
posted 11-29-2006 10:09 AM
I don't know that it is always a "defined" set of criteria, at least for me. We as people are constantly changing and redefining ourselves. Thus my own criteria for choosing a partner might change every few years or so.
Someone that is compatible with my current lifestyle, who has similar interests/hobbies, has a stellar sense of humor, intelligence, compassion...those things always can snag me. But I don't think besides the basic core traits of being loyal, trustworthy, a true friend, etc., I have a checklist of things I look for on a regular basis. It's all in where I am at in my life and what traits and habits the other person possesses that connect and feel good with my own.
Member # 11352
posted 12-29-2006 10:27 PM
How do you choose your romantic or sexual partners? How much of an active choice does it feel like for you? When you do, do you feel like both of you are choosing, or that only one of you is?
The decision is both voluntary, and involutary. It's really a choice for me. With my current relationship of over five years, we both mutually chose to be together naturally. As for criteria, I used to have certain standards for what I wanted my ideal partner to be in terms of appearance. That's changed. I've learned not to be so picky at that, but the criteria in terms of the person on the inside aka the personality, and how much we have in common is very important to me. Things like honesty, trustworthy, communicative, similar interests and beliefs and etc. It has been important that the partner and I friends for a while before we entered a relationship. I've learned that if the friendship took place for a while (litterally more than a week) prior to being a couple, the relationship has a better chance of lasting longer, however it can't just base on that alone of course. All the boundaries of a relationship and the things you look for in a partner have to come together and click well with you. This point of view of mine have formed from what I have learned from previous relationships. I'm now married to my partner of more than five years. We were friends for almost a year before we started dating and had five years of dating before our wedding. Jules
Member # 32051
posted 01-01-2007 10:55 PM
quote: Originally posted by Miss Lauren: I'd have to say compatible interests/hobbies, sense of humor, demeanor, intelligence and how much I grow to be physically attracted to them. The problem with using humor, intelligence, and demeanor as preliminary deciding factors is that understanding comes with time, not advice from a friend the next day, at least from a guy's standpoint.
Member # 25983
posted 01-01-2007 11:17 PM
I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you intended to say that understanding of a person's personality comes with time, you'll notice in my post that I really do integrate that a lot.
(If you'd like to, perhaps you could chip in about how you select partners to help us get a better grasp of what you mean? That IS what this thread is for. )
Member # 32064
posted 01-03-2007 12:40 PM
I love a guy that is very attractive and plays sports. But, the one thing that a guy has to have is respect. That's mainly the whole point of a relationship. Because if u can't trust ur partner then why r u with him/her in the first place.
Member # 30315
posted 01-03-2007 06:56 PM
I am generally attracted to people based on intelligence first and foremost, then humor, looks, manners (a guy who's rude, disrespectful, and so on? Totally a turn-off, no matter how high he ranks in other departments). There's usually an initial attraction, and then it strengthens or weakens as I get to know the person better. As LadyLuck said, though, I don't really have a set checklist I use when looking for partners. If we're compatible, we get along, have similar senses of humor, can talk easily... it's generally a pretty good match. Occasionally I'll be attracted to a guy and it'll be the kind of crush where I get so nervous I can't talk to him, and that's a really good clue that he's NOT a good match for me.
Member # 29206
posted 01-11-2007 09:56 PM
Action, for me, is voluntary; attraction is usually involuntary. I am attracted to people based on intelligence, loyalty, blunt honesty, creativity, passion for life, looks, and unique personality quirks. I've recently made a conscious decision to add acceptence to that list too. Acceptence is very important to me.
Member # 22661
posted 01-13-2007 06:30 AM
initial sexual attraction depends mainly on whether or not I can say "Wow. You look like fun!" This isn't as much of a haphazard choice as it seems because in this case "fun" covers a number of factors including but not limited to: -how interesting i find their personality and any implications I may derive from their quirks -novelty -boundaries similar to mine, apparent adventurousness and openness to new ideas (particularly my crazy ideas that have previously been met with weird stares and silence:p) -physical attractiveness (not as important if the above are present) Much of it comes from impulse followed by the active choice of whether to pursue the attraction or terminate it. To choice most obviously comes in when inquiring about the other party's relationship status and any other possible deterrents. Also if I feel that I have to do too much rooster strutting and/or it is in any way apparent that the other party is not likewise attracted to me the attraction becomes immediately null and void and will most likely develop into loose friendship. ***BTW if this is beginning to sound like legal-ese in places it's because I've dealt with one-sided sexual attraction way too many times. As a result, I have a tendency to try to make the situation less awkward by following any compliments with what sounds eerily like a disclaimer. ...and all of that complicated mumbo-jumbo was only concerning my short term flings which in light of the above statements are quite understandably rare! Long term relationships are an entirely different creature. Rather than by choice by either of us, they just tend to spring up after we've been friends for a while and have had the time to become comfortable enough around each other to establish more suitable mutual agreements. The factors I listed above help but aren't as important here and I might add there is MUCH less fine print. [ 01-13-2007, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: lizenny ]
Member # 32214
posted 01-13-2007 07:45 AM
The reason I have registered here is that I have a big problem with the Western sex culture of which this website is just another endorsement. I'm currently writing a book explaining the problems that this sex culture causes and I'm fascinated by the way you have prased this question Heather: How do you choose your romantic or sexual partners?
Can you clarify for me please, if you are NOT intending to make a distinction between those partners you have for romance and those you have merely for sex. I feel I must ask because you didn't ask 'How do you choose your romantic/sexual partners?' or 'How do you choose your romantic AND sexual partners' (and had you done this it would still be open to misinterpretation), but (presumably deliberately) you separated the two. I worry for a society that sees no harm in a separation of love and sex. I believe that a person should never have casual sex i.e. sex without love, because the sex act is too loaded to treat lightly e.g. one partner may be intending to have meaningless sex while the other partner could fall in love as a result. BTW Lizenny, long-term relationships always begin like short term ones. How can you tell which is going to be which if they are totally different 'creatures'?
Member # 8067
posted 01-13-2007 08:59 AM
The reason I have registered here is that I have a big problem with the Western sex culture of which this website is just another endorsement. Perhaps you could explain a bit more what you mean by "the Western sex culture", and why you think this site is an endorsement of it? I believe that a person should never have casual sex And it's fine for you to hold that belief. But at Scarleteen, we're trying to accomodate and respect people with a diverse range of beliefs about sexual morality. There is a difference between romance and sex - as you've pointed out, it's possible to have sex without love (and love without sex). That's true whether you think people should be free to engage in sex outside or romance or not. e.g. one partner may be intending to have meaningless sex while the other partner could fall in love as a result. You know, that could equally well be considered as a result of people equating love and sex. On a number of occasions, we've had people on the boards posting about painful emotional experiences following from assuming that because they wanted sex or someone wanted sex with them, it must mean they were in love - or assuming that because they were in love, it must mean they ought to have sex - or assuming that sex is a way to make someone else love them. So I don't think it's helpful or positive to perpetuate that confusion. If you look round the boards and the rest of the site, though, you'll see that we do place a big emphasis on being honest with potential partners about what one wants or expects from a relationship, and also about the need for people to honour their own moral standards and not do things they feel are wrong or are otherwise uncomfortable with. That includes supporting people who feel it would be wrong for them to have sex if they are not in love.
Member # 22661
posted 01-13-2007 07:10 PM
DeepJedi maybe I wasn't clear enough. Looking only at length of time you'd be right, but the particular kind of short term relationships I talked about in the top half of that post are mostly (if not totally) sexually based, making them markedly different from the ones I described on the bottom half of the post. I detailled the beginnings of each and they do not begin the same way, at least for me. Perhaps in your experience they do. These variations are the reason why everyone else who posted in this topic did not type out the same exact formula. There may not always be a distinction between romantic partners and sexual partners but the point is there CAN be and pretending that such a distinction cannot exist is of no help to anyone. [ 01-13-2007, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: lizenny ]
Member # 32214
posted 01-17-2007 08:53 AM
Edit: There's no need to be patronizing to other posters, especially towards those who are much younger than you and for whom this site is intended. Nobody should be put down for their sexual choices here, nor asked to defend them. In light of your recent activity here, we must ask at this point that you read the "Notice to Adult Users" posted below. If you cannot live with those guidelines, we're going to have to ask you to post elsewhere. Notice to Adult Users [ 01-17-2007, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]
Member # 32405
posted 01-28-2007 10:53 PM
Well, I find that I've friends with people I've been seeing before. For example, the relationship I've been currently in started with him and I as friends. I guess I like getting to know the person better. "Choosing" someone isn't significant for me. Erm, "active".
Member # 32405
posted 01-28-2007 10:57 PM
quote: Originally posted by not_a_hobgoblin: Action, for me, is voluntary; attraction is usually involuntary. I am attracted to people based on intelligence, loyalty, blunt honesty, creativity, passion for life, looks, and unique personality quirks. I've recently made a conscious decision to add acceptence to that list too. Acceptence is very important to me. And I agree very much with the above quote. I'm the same way..
Member # 16061
posted 01-29-2007 03:53 PM
Initial attraction is definately the first step.
After that, I usually befriend them (Unless the object of desire is already a friend, in which case these steps happen vice versa) not in a flirty way, but just to get to know them better. After I've decided that he's a good person, I usually flirt a tiny bit, and wait to see if he catches on. Most of my partners have been the result of mutual flirting.
Member # 32413
posted 02-09-2007 12:15 PM
when i found mine i was actually trying really hard to be alone. i think that he found me in a way. they way i "chose" though, i think that by really finding myself i landed myself with a person who really understood me. my favorite part about my partnership is that we are honest and unconditionally understanding.
Member # 29762
posted 03-22-2007 12:14 PM
i am bad at chosing boys. any boy that i've started/wanted to start a relationship with has hurt me emotionally in their own "special" ways. i had a boyfriend who only used me to attempt to get sex (he's still a virgin for a reason) and he did not care how i felt about it because i wasn't ready. i had one boy not tell me that he got back together with his ex. and my recent ex was selfish and told me that i didn't care about him unless i (insert ridiculous favor here). they never showed their true colors until i was deep into the relationship. i used my past experiences from these idiots to set my standards for my next boyfriend. but like i said, i'm bad at chosing boys.
i had to have my sister do it for me! sherealized that when she hung out with one of her guy friends, it was like hanging out with me. she eventually set me up with him, and he's amazing. i met him on december 20th and he was officially my boyfriend at midnight on new year's. i've always found him attractive, and the attraction keeps on growing. our relationship is great probably because how i've been treated by boyfriends and by people in general. we've experienced most of the same things with a few exceptions. i've never felt a connection like this with anyone, boy or girl. he's like my best friend and boyfriend all mixed together. because i feel like he's my best friend, i find it hard to keep anything from him, and he feels the same way which allows us to trust eachother. we're very open about everything in our past, present and future.
Member # 12381
posted 04-06-2007 10:42 PM
As for the voluntary/involuntary issue, I agree with many of the others. The initial attraction was usually involuntary; as I got to know a guy, his personality and actions would lead me to either be more attracted or less.
There were a few things I felt were necessary from a partner, because they were important to me. For example, I wanted to date something who had similar religious views, because that's a big part of my life. I also wanted to date another person who was saving sex for marriage (at least by the time I met him). I figured it would be hard enough to wait with another person who made the same decision (and it was; it's not like we don't have libidos), and it would probably be harder with someone who didn't personally make the same decision. Those were the main things, but of course there were other basics: nice guy, sweet, understanding, sense of humor, trustworthy, etc. So I met my husband, was immediately attracted (and apparently that was mutual), we got to know each other over the next 9 months or so (we were both shy so neither of us let the other know of our attraction; and it was high school), and then he finally asked me out.
Member # 32470
posted 05-07-2007 07:12 PM
I used to think it was all about the intital 'wow' - that spark of mutual attraction. I had a rigid list of requirements that spanned from: athletic, musician, tall, etc etc etc. I was after your stereotypical jocky guy and found him in the form of the rugby playing sax trilling school prez - it lasted a week. A few months later and I had fallen for a different boy than I'd ever expected: a captain ... of the robotics team!!
We started off as friends, he could make me laugh for hours, and that progressed without my knowing it until I had a deep (completely subconscious) crush. By the time I noticed it he was ready to ask me out, he did and we've been together since I've never been in love like this before!! Moral of my story? Friends first, boyfriends later for me and it's terribly important to not be as shallow as I was as first, I learned my mistake - the 'perfect' guy was right under my nose
Member # 19692
posted 05-07-2007 07:38 PM
I know I'm attracted to someone when I'll admit to myself, AND that person "I really want to see you again." It's usually the result of respect, intelligent conversation, and a bit of something physical.
For example, I wasn't initially drawn to my current partner. I found his physical appearance a little intimidating, and he was rather quiet, so it took some effort to get past that. After walking and talking for a few minutes, he offered me his jacket -- something I found rather sweet -- and then suggested that we go check out some of the nearby shops. While we were heading there, I finally noticed two quirky physical things -- eyes that seemed to change colours constantly, and elongated canines. I was not only attracted, but amused. (My own eyes seem to do the same thing, and his are only a richer shade.) It's respect, quirks, chemistry...it's butting heads with someone and then laughing about it, it's a level of comfort that seems to just sneak up on you.
Member # 28410
posted 08-01-2007 01:50 PM
I never "chose" my current partner. He chose me, apparently due to love at first sight. I know that when I met him, something about his expression meant I knew we could be great friends. That's what I think I would look for in a partner; that openness in their face that implies they want to know you and listen or talk to you. Plus he's got a very attractive smile, and he smiles alot.
I chose my previous girlfriend because she had such amazing energy about her..she was so hyper 100% of the time and had so many personal issues about getting close to people. Selfishly, I liked the challenge. Unsuprisingly it was one of those relationships that lasts about 3 months and then crashes messily.
James the Dark
Member # 32379
posted 08-02-2007 09:04 PM
Simple answer, I don't.
Having my own, fairly substantial issues to deal with, I don't think it would be fair to my potential partner to saddle her with the responsibility of looking after my sorry self while I find the resolve necessary to remedy my situation. As much as I would like the support and comfort a partner would provide, I'm not in a position that I could be a partner myself. I'd be a leach, a soul-sucking parasite, living vicariously through her. And I'm not willing to do that. If and when I can exit my current funk, I'll be more capable of choosing a partner, but at the moment, I'm just not ready for a relationship of any type. Hell, I have problems enough dealing with platonic relationships with those of my own gender! That doesn't mean, however, that I don't find women attractive. Far from it. I just have a disjunct between finding them attractive and wanting to do something about it. Primary on my list of good qualities is natural hair color. It irks me to no end when somebody feels the need to alter his/her hair color. It's physical dishonesty. Similarly, I prefer a misaligned set of teeth to one which is set with perfection, because that, too, is result of cosmetic alteration. I just want people to be honest about who they are. What I'd really enjoy was if society dictated that all people introduce themselves with the worst thing about them, and that it had to be true. Can you tell that I'm sick of dishonesty? I wonder where that came from... Anyway, I'll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing more successfully before I showed up.
Member # 36078
posted 01-01-2008 11:24 AM
I don't understand how anyone would want to be in a relationship where it feels like only one person is choosing? Surely all the people in the relationship need to want to spend time with each other, and to enjoy doing this, for them to care enough to make a relationship something worth having?
Anyway, to choosing... I think you need 1) mental or physical attraction 2) the other (which wasn't so obvious to begin with maybe) to then become apparent if they weren't both already. Personally, I think I'd find a relationship really difficult if I just had one of these two things... if it was only one of these things, it wouldn't be stimulating enough to substantiate a relationship. The two do mix, of course. It's like when you're first getting to know someone - you might find them attractive in some ways, or find certain parts of their quirks really amazing, but not as a whole. I think it's when mentally you really feel quite close to another person, when you put your trust in them, and that this is obviously reciprocated, that mentally, and thus physically, you respect and love them on a different level. It's kind of difficult to explain, actually, and I don't think I really can explain it. Increasingly, and as a result of my last relationship (previous relationships, IMO, do shape what we look for in the future quite a lot), I look for someone with common interests. Someone with whom I can empathise, enjoy like passions, and they can do the same with me. It is always good to have things which are new, as well - interests that may, to a large extent, be separate and not shared entirely... you need both similarity, and contrast. Beyond all these things though, enjoying their company, and really being excited about spending time with them, is what really makes me want to be with someone. It's important not to be unrealistic, though: there is no 'perfect' person, we all have flaws... it's about whether you see these as 'quirks' and adore them, or whether they annoy you/ really don't appeal, that decides quite a lot. Still, what was 'quirky', can turn stale. Oh, and also, they need to treat me well. Basic consideration goes a long way.
Member # 37557
posted 03-18-2008 10:57 PM
I believe that relationships, platonic or otherwise, begin with a combination of both voluntary and involuntary actions. The initial attraction to someone else is created through common interests, place (happen to be in the same class or club etc.), whether approachable, etc. because of these one will initiate something. Then both parties may then wade through the sea, walking along sand bars, exploring the coral reefs of their pasts, and swimming when it becomes deep, and if it is meant to prolong then both will swim against the current of the undertow. Friendships and romantic relationships are similar in their needs and whether they will last, I'm sure not everyone can see having certain friends in the far future, for example. Romantic relationships, further, should begin with friendship.
As for casual sexual relations, they should begin with trust and communication so that both parties are aware what they want. And if something becomes complicated, a debriefing should occur. Personally, I think the beginning of romance, friendships, and sex should be a level of emotional maturity, where communication is ever present. There must be self-knowledge, therefore comfort with one's self, for it to be healthy and happy for members involved. James the Dark: I want to thank you for that post. I have seen guys who have too much baggage become abusive jerks to my friends. And I believe for anyone without enough self worth and enough of their own balance should not be in a relationship.
Member # 39712
posted 08-07-2008 12:03 PM
Some might argue that love does not exist. And I will retort: "neither does the biological need". Yes, the "biological need" emanates from the brain. Assembling a dick and two balls does not make of it an organ with a need. What's required is a series of interconnected neurones controlling that dick. If love is a by-product of your neurones, so is your life, your biological needs, and everything else.
[ 08-07-2008, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: richardmiller ]
Member # 39785
posted 08-16-2008 12:34 AM
Tricky question. I think a deceptively simple question requires a simple answer.
My best relationship came to me when I wasn't looking super hard for companionship (which includes me going to swank parties, dressed to the nines, ideal boyfriend checklist in hand, hottie radar set to maximum range). It was when I had no make-up on (which is quite frequent because A) natural beauty is awesome B) mostly I'm lazy and if you don't like me without make-up I don't want to be your friend anyway), and I'm dressed in my workout clothes. If someone can feel attracted to me looking like that, then our relationship can only go up from there. I feel when you're not looking for someone, you don't try so hard, and you're more yourself, which will get to a better match. The take-away idea: Attract your desired mate by not wearing make-up.
Member # 33665
posted 08-16-2008 04:13 AM
Big Vuvla, but the question is how do
you choose a partner, not how do you attract a mate. So, what do you look for in another person when you want to date them? Do they tend to have certain personality traits or physical traits? (And just as an aside, choosing to wear make-up or not wear make-up is a personal choice and a person shouldn't do either in the hopes of "attracting a mate" or impressing others but because they enjoy wearing make-up or not wearing make-up.)
Member # 39760
posted 08-19-2008 06:18 AM
I was attracted to my current boyfriend because he actually gets me fired up... I haven't met someone who can irritate me more and get me angry like that... and he says he liked me because I'm a little brainy... we sort of grew on each other over a year though... after getting to know each other we liked what we saw... and we have interests that are acute opposites... it doesn't seem like the sort of relationship that will be long term, but it's a lot of fun in the meantime. Mind you, I thought we'd only last a couple of months... it's almost been a year
Member # 41291
posted 11-28-2008 03:06 AM
I think it's mostly choice.
Now attraction, that's not choice at all. But, there are plenty of people I'm attracted to that I choose not to pursue even if I'm single. Even if I'm attracted to someone, I would never be able to have a long term committed relationship with someone who: doesn't read/doesn't like to read, isn't intelligent, isn't ambitious (or at the very least has personal goals), and isn't mature. And if I don't think I could have a long term relationship with someone, I might have sex with him or her, but I won't get romantically involved.
Member # 43389
posted 08-04-2009 03:33 PM
When I found my girlfriend, neither of us was actually looking for a relationship. It started simply. I met her in the high school band practice field, her best friend had tried to set her up with my best friend only a few weeks ago (that's why she wasn't looking). We simply saw each other and we liked what we saw.
Over time we started talking to each other more and more. On one band trip to Little Rock I requested to be on her bus. We talked for hours while everyone else was asleep. Eventually I worked up the courage to ask her out. On our first date (I didn't have a driver's license yet) her parents invited me to dinner. I asked if my parents could join (so she wouldn't be alone in the embarrassing stories) and we met at the restaurant. After dinner while she and I were alone, our parents planed on having them join us the next day at my house. On that day, after dinner and a movie while my dad gave the tour, she and I had a moment alone. We just looked at each other, before either of us realized it we had our first kiss. I realize this is most likely coincidence, but on valentines day of 08, we had one cool coincidence. We went to a Japanese steak house for dinner after a movie and sat at one of the hibachi grills. After our meal we opened our fortune cookies. Mine said "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." That alone I thought was cool, then she tells me hers was exactly the same. We asked the others at the table, no one else had this happen. What are the odds? It may have been chance, but she and I have kept those ever since. That's sort of how I met her, a very lucky draw, and I know I will never meet a girl like her again.
Member # 45877
posted 02-22-2010 09:02 PM
When I met my boyfriend, neither of us were looking for a relationship. It just, kind of happen. I remember when I first met him, I looked at him and thought, "Meh..." But when we started talking and getting to know each other, that's when I became interested in him. I fell for his personality instantly and then just found him plain &^%#ing hot and his irresistible smile and laugh.
I guess the same for him. He told me that when he first saw me that he didn't think anything of me until I started talking about how cute raccoons were. That's when he became interested and then sometime later, found me attractive and then fell EVEN harder for me when I got angry about my disability. And that's when he want to go out with me. Common interest is really important for me...someone who know what they want and will do ANYTHING to get it and he is exactly like that. Funny, attentive, loyal, committed (not just in it for the hell of it), and serious. He is all of that.
Member # 46358
posted 04-07-2010 10:01 AM
I've met my boyfriend 5 years ago and it wasn't love at first sight, but there was a special connection between us from the first moment on we met each other
-------------------------------- Spam edited out by Jacob [ 02-28-2013, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
Member # 40666
posted 05-16-2010 03:18 PM
I've found it beneficial to have a friendship first, before you start to date that person. That's not to say that love at first sight or blind dates can't work out, because I know of instances where they've worked out great! For me though, when I choose a partner, I want to know that they can grow with me. To do that, I find it helpful to have already grown with them to an extent, but maybe just as a friend. I hope that makes sense
Member # 43186
posted 05-16-2010 09:06 PM
Seriously, though... I'm not sure. I tend to be most physically attracted to people that I'm comfortable being very emotionally close with, which is useful. There have always been common interests that especially draw me to people, like a love of words/stories or an involvement in theatre, or just being artistic in general. Caring about oneself and others is a must. Right now, a lot of it is dependent on time and distance; I have two romantic partners, one local and one over a thousand miles away. There are several other people that I have a mutual attraction with, but am choosing not to pursue a full-time committed relationship because either or both of us don't have the time, or don't want to do a long distance relationship. So, currently I feel like I'm very much making an active choice about my romantic/sexual partners, and this has been the case ever since my first boyfriend (where the extent of the communication over whether we were in a relationship was a friend asking us "So, are you guys together?" to which our response was looking at each other and saying "Ummm... I guess so?")
Member # 49104
posted 09-27-2010 01:02 PM
Physical attraction mixed with personality with a tinge of kissing to make sure
Member # 54626
posted 02-28-2011 02:25 AM
It took me a little bit of reading to find a response that actually mentioned a very important thing to me - perhaps I skimmed too fast and missed it, but I think bluefreak44 was the first to mention religious views.
Relgious/moral views are very important to me - I'm a Christian, for one, and while I think that initially I can maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't share that view, eventually there's a point where there will be clashing, even if he's tolerant. Say we have children...I would naturally want them to become Christians (logical, considering what it is that I believe, but that doesn't need much in-depth discussion; this isn't theology 8D), and maybe he'll be okay with, say, me going to church and him not going...but I can't see how that could possibly end without us growing apart in some way. As for other aspects, friends-first is something I agree with. Usually that's involuntary, but reasons for relationships of any sort are usually based on compatibility in preferences, hobbies, characteristics, etc. Attraction sort of makes itself known after a while. I keep company with a bunch of seven or so guys with whom I'm at different levels of friendship (closeness) - my current boyfriend was one of them and it developed when, inexplicably, we began to talk very frequently. Now is that indicative of growing attraction, or was there growing attraction that led to frequent conversing...not entirely sure.
Member # 95581
posted 04-17-2012 10:40 AM
I have tons of criteria, both requirements without which I can't be attracted to someone, and then stuff that would be nice but I can live without. The requirements include intelligence (by my definition, not simply IQ), good looks (again, by my definition, not anyone else's), manners, similar interests, interest s/he shouldn't have (f.e. I don't want a sports fanatic because I don't care about sports), compatible values/morals/general world view/plans for future... Of course, there must be chemistry between me and that person as well.
The list goes on and on; I'm told I'm horribly picky, so it's against all odds for me to find such a person. Well, luckily the first person I really became interested in turned out to be all that and more, and I've been in my first (and last, I hope) relationship for years now. But I'm the kind of person who believes in soul mates and Eternal, True Love (tm) and all those cliches, so I couldn't settle for anything less than someone who fulfills those criteria. Note that when I met my significant other, I wasn't checking a list; we just fell into a relationship naturally, and later on I realized he possessed all those qualities. I don't think I'd want to do casual sex even if I was single, but if I did, I guess some of those criteria would still apply. Intelligence, looks, humor, basic respect. But then values and all wouldn't matter, because it's not like I was about to share my life with that person. [ 04-17-2012, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Athene ]
Member # 99360
posted 11-11-2012 02:03 AM
I was friends with my current partner for years, and eventually we started goofing off more, making innuendos or jokingly talking about a reletionship. Even when we had the big reletionship talk, we stayed friends for a couple months before we started a reletionship (although the only difference between friends and partners was the fluid exchange) we've been together now for about a year
We didn't exactly sit down and vote, we just went with what felt right for both of us. And I think that's a good way to go about it When it felt right (he was mostly following my lead, but we were both on the same page at all times) to take the next step we did, and then the next step, and so forth
Member # 41657
posted 11-11-2012 05:35 AM
But, your children have a right to decide what they do or don't believe. If I had children, I wouldn't "want them to be atheists" even though I am one, there's specific ethical stuff that I'm hoping they'll adhere to that a lot of religions claim is wrong, but whether they believe in god or not is really up to them, I don't want to make them be exactly like me, just give them accurate scientific information and support them in being happy. It's really not right to force your children to go to church, just like I wouldn't, per se, force my children not to go to church (though I would draw the line at them going to conservative, misogynistic, hetero/cissexist churches.) Seriously, if they want to explore religous/spiritual stuff, while I'm not going to subject myself to environments which are triggering for me, I will take them to a nice, liberal place of worship if they want to go to one, though I'd want to check it out myself first to make sure it's a safe, non-pressuring space. I'll openly admit to finding the belief in an afterlife in which anyone is tortured to be very unethical as well, I hope they don't believe that, but again, that's about ethics, not about faith or the lack thereof per se.
[ 11-11-2012, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]
Member # 103815
posted 02-28-2013 03:41 PM
Hello, I know I'm late to the party, but I couldn't resist wanting to provide an answer to this topic.
Short answer is, I make a list, as if I'm putting in an order to the Universe; I'll write down that I want a partner with x, y, and z qualities, and I can be as specific as I want, e.g. "my partner has honey brown eyes and light brown hair." To that extent, my choosing a romantic/sexual partner makes it a completely active choice on my part, because I know what I want, and I know what features arouse me romantically and/or sexually. Granted, the understanding is that the list of features and qualities I look for in a partner will change as I change as a person, so I give myself permission to keep the list fluid and open to further editing as I see fit. Besides, it makes for a fun journal entry post. I'll keep a general list of important features I look for in my head, and if I happen to meet someone who more or less matches, I usually feel really happy and excited and want to find out more about them over tea/coffee. Of course, up until the point where the other person is genuinely interested and wants to pursue a romantic and/or sexual relationship with me, I try to keep things light and mutual in case they don't feel the same.
Member # 101745
posted 03-18-2013 07:41 PM
The answer to this has been VERY different depending on different relationships I've been in.
I have definitely had the experience of hanging out more and more often with someone I was attracted to, when I could sense a mutual attraction, and eventually having some moment where we snuggle or kiss each other, and from there kind of bumbling into a "uh, oh, I guess... we're... in a relationship now???" sort of thing. And that's worked out pretty poorly, as exciting as that long-awaited late-night kiss can be. In those relationships I found myself "dating" someone without a clear idea of what, exactly, that even meant - without any talk of relationship structure or physical boundaries or anything like that until we walked right into a situation where our expectations didn't align. More recently, I've been a HUGE fan of what I call the pre-relationship negotiation: it may not sound romantic but it's been really helpful. My long-term partner and I did this ~10 years ago when we started dating and it was the first time I'd tried it; we had dated for a few weeks about two years before that, and it was the sort of thing I described above where we really didn't know enough about each other and what we wanted out of a relationship. But the second time around we talked through our expectations, how we would address some potential conflicts, and went from there. That set up a pattern of communication that's helped us a lot. I've done this sort of thing a few times since then with other folks I've dated, and it's been useful there too. Even if it's just having a conversation that consists of "hey, I'm interested in you and not sure what a relationship between us would look like, but do you want to give it a go?" is better than nothing, for me. As far as what it takes for me to want to initiate a relationship... I have what I call a wide range of attraction where a lot of different genders, body types, etc. are physically attractive to me. I tend to interact with a lot of folks who I'm attracted to in one way or another, and I certainly don't try to date all of them! A friendly and expressive face goes a LONG way with me; that's often what I comment on the most or what separates "pretty attractive I guess" from "OH WOW I should get to know them better." I tend to only be interested in people I have some level of friendship with first; most of the people I've dated have been folks I've already been friends with, although not always.