T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 31498
posted 11-16-2006 08:22 AM
My girlfriend gets insanely jealous. I can totally understand where she is coming from, but i love her and only her and her jealousy makes some parts of our relationship quite awkward.
As to where she gets this jealousy from? Well, we've had a really really complicated relationship together over the last few years (havent been going out all the time though, only the last 2 months). I started out as really great freinds with her. We were together for about 2 weeks, then unfortunate circumstances (parents, timing, jerks at school) forced us to break it off. For a time we were pretty uncomfortable around each other, as we werent sure exactly what our feelings were. This also caused me to lose one of my best friends, and the whole group of her friends i'd become part of. Through that time, i was pretty emotional/upset/occasionally suicidal, and many people thought i should hook up with other chicks. So i tried that, but i was never really attracted to any of them anywhere near as much as i wanted her. Unfortunately, she saw me with a lot of other chicks over a short space of time, she felt like she didnt mean anything at all to me (which is totally not true). So, she started going out with my best friend. They were together for a while, and basically, he was a dick to her, didnt respect her, made her feel that all their problems were her fault, plus he was very possessive and tried to force her to stop talking to me. I was her counsellor through that time and eventually i convinced her to break it off, although unfortunately i have lost that friendship with him as well... However, while she was going out with him i still had very strong feelings for her, was upset that she was with my best friend and not me when i knew i was better for her, etc etc. I still tried so find a 'replacement', but there were two girls who were 'viable' but both were very close family friends. So, in turn for giving my (now girlfiend) advice on her dysfunctional relationship, she helped me out with mine; but now i know that that was kinda painful for her coz she realised that she still like me. So. Now, in a turn of events that happened not quite the way i planned/expected, we're going out again and i'm happier than i've been in years. Our complications have caused us to have three years of... emotional connection... but nothing in the 'physical department', something we've made up for very quickly. Almost too quickly i think even considering out background but i would have been screaming otherwise and its very difficult to keep our hands off each other. . She's the only person in the world for me, i seriously am in love with her and if its still going strong in a years time, i want to marry her. However, she is very jealous of me talking to ANY other girl, which is very difficult coz many of my closest friends are girls. Especially these two other girls that i had talked to her about. I still see/talk to these girls at least once a week and a lot of what happens in my life atm involves one or the other. My girlfriend does not understand that what i felt for them was never anything like as strong as i felt for her, or that there are some things that i can ask her friends that i can't ask her. Or, anything that involves any girl thats not her, she gets suspicious, insanely jealous and makes accusations. They're not all heartfelt, a lot are teasing, but enough actual suspicion is there to make it uncomfortable sometimes. How do i show her how much she means to me? How do i convince her that her jealousy is unfounded and that she's the only one i will ever need? If you've stuck though the (simplified) version of my soap-opera relationship, well done! and thanks for any help! Trasvi
Member # 139
posted 11-17-2006 01:41 PM
Hey! Welcome to scarleteen.
Ultimately, the jealousy is going to be her demon to conquer. All you can do is continue to be faithful, tell her how you feel, and communicate. I wouldn't recommend cutting your friends out, though. If this relationship does go south (again), your friends are going to be there for you. Burning that bridge wouldn't be good.
Member # 3
posted 11-17-2006 02:12 PM
Plus, no one is helped by being enabled.
So, ditching your friends because she has this problem not only doesn't help you, it doesn't help her. Healthy people have lots of different relationships in their lives, including friendships, including a myriad of relationships with people of all sexes. (What would she do if you were bisexual? Would that mean you couldn't have any friends at all? Think about it.) It's not your job to "prove" love or loyalty to someone else other than being basically lving and loyal, in a healthy, sane way. You can't convince here here: this is her issue she needs to seek out help with, and not from her partner, sparing as support to the other, more objective, help she's getting.
Member # 8067
posted 11-17-2006 02:32 PM
It's also worth making sure you're dealing with your own issues.
In another post, you said: And, both me and my girlfriend are possessive people. i realise that im getting jealous and try to be open minded but theres a few people who i just dont trust around her (problems with them, not her). Maybe one strategy would be for both of you to acknowledge that you have problems with jealousy, and both agree to work on this?
Member # 3
posted 11-17-2006 02:59 PM
One more snippet of information that may be helpful:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusional_jealousy . I just saw your other post in the abusive relationship checklist, too. Suffice it to say, it sounds very much like you and yours really could stand to be VERY sure that you're being realistic in asessing your relationship, especially since she was already in one abusive relationship before, and from the sounds of things, hasn't had any real counseling to deal with that. If you're not both really opening your eyes, no one is going to be helped. [ 11-17-2006, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 31498
posted 11-18-2006 07:02 AM
We both know that we do get jealous.
there are one or two people who i dont like her being around, namely because this guy... sleeps around. He's 'moved through' most of my girlfriend's group of friends and has been the cause of a few broken friendships there. I feel kind of threatened by him. Even though i know now that he has fallen in love with someone else (who ironically he can't have) And i guess its the same with her; she feels threatened by these other two friends of mine, as i did once have feelings for them, however never what i feel/felt for my girlfriend now. And i dont think its anything that clinical... she certainly has reason to be angry/jealous, i just need to convince her that she is the only one.
Member # 8067
posted 11-18-2006 08:17 AM
there are one or two people who i dont like her being around, namely because this guy... sleeps around. But unless you imagine this guy is going to sexually assault her, your girlfriend has a choice about whether she does anything with this guy or not. It doesn't matter how much he "sleeps around" if she's not interested. So assuming that he's a "threat" is really pretty distrustful and disrespectful of your girlfriend. Make sense?