T O P I C R E V I E W
cool87
Member # 29292
posted 08-03-2006 09:01 PM
I've always ask myself why most girls have a older boyfriend and not someone their own age or younger ? I know this isn't the case for everyone but it is quite common. Girls have to get a boyfriend older than them while boys are more likely to have a younger girlfriend. Why is that ? I think this might be because of a maturity issue even though I don't quite believe it's true.For me, it's more like just a social thing, it's just something people have establish over time but that have no reason to be). So what do you think ? [ 08-03-2006, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]
Miss Lauren
Member # 25983
posted 08-03-2006 09:25 PM
Traditionally, women married or paired with older men for economic reasons. It was unthinkable to marry one's daughter to a young man without a penny; an older man with a good amount of money was far desireable, especially during times of hardship. Likewise, men sought younger wives, who were generally in better health and appearance than those their own age, as well as more fertile. Some of these mentalities, depending on location, probably still exist today in some form. Any theory about why it continues with modern teens would be difficult to put together. I'll try to present a few ideas, though they're based solely in my experience. - Status. I know of a few girls who are proud to date much older men, because they seem more mature and intelligent. - Attention. These same young women also say that they appreciate the extra attention they get from their partner for being young and look forward to becoming "trophy wives". - Money. Older men tend to have more money, and some young women are showered with gifts. - Personal issues. These can be an assortment of different problems; coming from a broken home, poor self-esteem, lack of emotional support, etc. Some older men are quick to recognize these signs, and step in to act the part of knight-in-shining armor. Young women with such problems are especially prone to being manipulated. I don't know if I'd call it a trend, but it does seem to be prevalent. I'd be interested to read more thoughts.
Faith54
Member # 27855
posted 08-04-2006 12:40 PM
I've noticed that too. All over message boards such as gurl.com or ym, a lot of posts are about how great it is to have older boyfriends. I think the biggest reason is the maturity factor. I've talked to girls who say they like older guys b/c guys their age are so "immature". Some 15-16 year olds even have boyfriends who are six years older, but "it's ok b/c my parents love him!" And get very defensive if anyone is skeptical. To each her own I guess, but I find it kind of disturbing myself.
alex m
Member # 30253
posted 08-10-2006 11:00 PM
I was wondering if it is illeage to date a woman that is 15...and i am 17...but i have no clue because her parents do not even know about it and she is making me keep it a secret and i hate it....so do you think it would be a bad thing if i went to her house well she is not there to introduce myself and tell them my age...
kitka
Member # 22756
posted 08-10-2006 11:20 PM
It's not illegal to date her, but the age of sexual consent in MT is 18 without parental consent, and 16 with parental consent. That means both of you have to be at least 16 or 18 to have sex legally, depending on whether her parents (and your parents) know about your relationship. Do her parents know she's pregnant? Do they know you at all?if i went to her house well she is not there to introduce myself and tell them my age... I think that's a very good idea. You might want to start off describing yourself as a friend and work your way from there. I have don't know how her parents have reacted to her pregnancy. If they're angry at her, hearing that she wants to start (another) sexual relationship might make things worse for her at home. A lot of teenaged kids have sex without any kind of consent at all, and for the most part they get through stuff ok. But your girlfriend is in a unique situation... just tread carefully.
kitka
Member # 22756
posted 08-10-2006 11:26 PM
Lauren, I think you hit the nail on the head with your analysis. For a woman my age - nearly 25 - to date an older man is one thing, because I'm in the "mature adult" category as far as society is concerned. You're over 18, so you fit into that category too. But with younger teenagers, it can be a different story.And get very defensive if anyone is skeptical. To each her own I guess, but I find it kind of disturbing myself. I agree with you... more often than not, an 18 or 19 year old guy has a lot on a 15 year old girl in terms of psychological maturity, the ability to argue with someone, convince her that he's right, and so forth. This isn't a problem per se, but you can see how it becomes troubling when the 19 year old guy doesn't have a girl's interests wholly in mind. If I was a 21 year old man, I'd be much more apt to date a more (emotionally, intellectually, and sexually) experienced woman. Never mind the fact that these kind of age differences that you mention are often illegal... [ 08-10-2006, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: kitka ]
alex m
Member # 30253
posted 08-10-2006 11:40 PM
ok thank you very much i will tell you how evey thing goes.
Miz Scarlet
Member # 3
posted 08-11-2006 01:38 PM
Interesting you brought this up, cool, because that very same day you posted this, I was just making a note to myself earlier in the day that I think it's time for an article on this. One thing that keeps concerning me, which I brought up on another site I run, is that I feel like I'm starting to see exploitation in this more and more. For example, when I was 15, I was dating someone seven years my senior. But that person was very self-aware when it came to the difference in our ages and the imbalances it could create. That person -- out of care for me and our relationship, not because of legal constraints -- asked that I accept pretty big limits and boundaries to what sexual activity we engaged in, and made clear that he was NOT comfortable having many kinds of sex with me, even though I had engaged in some of those forms of sex with others before. Now, I feel like I'm not seeing that sort of reticence very often. I feel like a lot of what I'm seeing are girls coming in whose older male partners are either being very pushy when it comes to sex, or making lots of arguments for why it is just FINE, laregly based on THEIR desires, not on what is most appropriate for both partners or the quality of the relationship. I experienced some of that, too, when I was younger, but I recognized it for what it was, likely in part because I'd seen something else. If every older person had been like that, I'm not sure how I'd have known the difference. (To boot, I wasn't in need of anything to "prove" my maturity -- in my teens, I had a lot of tough things to deal with very young, I had to be financially self-sufficent before most people my age, I had a lot of other acheivements in my life, etc.) I feel like the younger women are being fed all the standard lines that are tantamount, often, to things NOT being kosher: being told how mature they are, how smart they are, how different they are from other women their age, and that those statements are laregly insincere or purposefully misleading. I feel like what I'm seeing are a lot of older men who are not of the maturity to have relationships with women their own age, and who desire younger women because they know they don't set limits and boundaries the way women their age do; because they know they will be held to a much lower expectation. And those things concern me a lot. I think in some respect, some of this may be young men of all ages being without certain responsibilities they have been in the past, being less mature overall, which, of course, can put a big rift between men and women in their teens, given women's typical earlier development physically and emotionally. (And in a culture very concerned with appearances, I can't help but wonder if some of it is girls maturing faster, wanting to have male partners who "look" at the same level of physical maturity.) BIG topic (my thoughts here are just the tip of this iceberg for me), but great issue to discuss: thanks for bringing it up!
Tuxy
Member # 30392
posted 08-22-2006 05:40 PM
I agree with everbody who posted here. Young marriage is an issue here in Guatemala.For instance most girls here get married at 13 and have their 4th child by the time they are 16. Like this one couple I know.They both were 17 and had 7 kids.They had their first child at 11. Yes,its a major issue here.
kitka
Member # 22756
posted 08-22-2006 10:51 PM
who desire younger women because they know they don't set limits and boundaries the way women their age do So true. A good share of the pregnancy worries and abuse cases that we see here at ST are the by-product of relationships between younger girls and much older men. A 20 year old guy is light years away from a 15 year old in terms of his ability to persuade, manipulate, and conceal things. Yet we're so often told by parents and our peers that "age doesn't matter past a certain point," which may be why younger teen girls see an older guy as carte blanche. Age difference is fairly negligible for a 27 year old woman and a 32 year old, or even 41 year old man. But that's rarely the case with teens. Older males' unrestricted access to alcohol and cigarettes (and to some extent, drugs, on account of their higher earning power) often makes them more appealing to girls who don't want to be seen with the "immature" 9th grader with whom she's in history class. In turn, the combination of alcohol/drugs and a less savvy younger girlfriend leads to more intimidation & manipulation. This is not to slam the 22 year old guys out there. My (mostly terrific) partner is 22 - thing is, you'd never catch him dating a high schooler. That sort of attitude is the one that speaks volumes for me. Healthy 22 year old men would want to be with a woman who can offer a good amount of sexual experience gained over a long period of time, hold their own in a conversation, and build a relationship. On the other hand, the older men in these UNbalanced relationships seek girls who don't have the intellectual or emotional history to take care of themselves. What REALLY bothers me is the girls who define themselves solely by their (often older) boyfriends - so and so's "little girl" and such. Their emotional dependence is proof enough that they are not in full control of their own choices. Part of it, too, is the equation of maturity with sexual experience - girls think that it'll be "better" with an older guy, and that means they'll often enter into sexual relationships earlier than they might have otherwise - and less safe sexual relationships at that, because they typically lack the knowledge to protect themselves and make the right choices for themselves. And there's still a huge stigma against declining sexual opportunities until one's past high school or even early college, which makes girls more apt to want to have sex.
iheartdc
Member # 30201
posted 08-22-2006 11:26 PM
"Healthy 22 year old men would want to be with a woman who can offer a good amount of sexual experience gained over a long period of time" If this is true though, then what does that mean? People with less sexual experience should put out more to balance out the fact they're less attractive? (Sorry to take away from the main point of this thread, I just think there's a few ways this issue could be more complex)
Miss Lauren
Member # 25983
posted 08-22-2006 11:36 PM
quote: Healthy 22 year old men would want to be with a woman who can offer a good amount of sexual experience gained over a long period of time, hold their own in a conversation, and build a relationship. I think, the entire quote taken into consideration, that kitka meant sexual experience more in the terms of maturity. Sexual experience can and should branch out to mean being able to voice one's own concerns, being able to maintain some level of control over sexual situations, as well as being mature enough to handle whatever consequences should occur. A healthy man shouldn't expect to find much of that in a teen girl. quote: People with less sexual experience should put out more to balance out the fact they're less attractive? I don't see anything here suggesting that people who are less sexually experienced are less physically attractive, nor that they should have sex more to remedy it. [ 08-22-2006, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]
kitka
Member # 22756
posted 08-23-2006 12:12 AM
Miss Lauren, you read my mind. Moreover, I'm not suggesting that most 22 year old men want a thoroughly sexually experienced woman. I was clueless at (almost) 24, in terms of my physical sexual experience. My guy didn't mind one wit. He was more than happy to teach me the physical act. Here's the common reply from younger girls who date older men: "But you're wrong. He loves me and doesn't care how old I am. I can handle myself if anything goes wrong." Maybe their older boyfriends can teach them the act of sex. But what my boyfriend didn't have to teach me, however, was my ability to say, "I need to be on the pill. We need to use condoms properly every time. We'll share the cost of our contraceptives to make sure that we're always protected. My parents and your parents know that we're having sex, and they'll be here to support us in our relationship. We must be monogamous and exclusive as long as we're having sex. If I do become pregnant, you will support my choice to have an abortion. If I say yes one day, it doesn't mean yes for every suceeding day. If you do anything to jeopardize my safety, you're on your own with no second chance." I actually said the majority of that stuff out loud (exception being the "parent" thing, because we're both legal adults, over 21). And I was mature enough to make it stick. Yes, we know that there are many 15, 16, 17 year old girls who can make the right choices. But more often than not, they're with a guy their own age. Or they're just plain lucky. For every one of the pregnancy scares and serious relationship problems we see on ST, think of how many there are outside of this community. We never hear about those. It stands to reason that the kinds of sexual boundaries that I listed above are not being said by 15 year olds who worry that they're pregnant. Experience can be quite subjective, Maturity, as Lauren has said, is incumbent on consequence, your ability to make rational decisions in different situations, and your level of independence. I don't mean to rant. But this topic really gets my goat, as both a witness to young girls' anxiety, and as someone who waited a hell of a long time to have sex, in an age where American culture was telling me that I was abnormal for doing so.
Allysa
Member # 29972
posted 08-23-2006 12:25 AM
I have always been attracted to older guys as I feel more protected by them and more stable in the relationship, I also feel that older guys will want to settle down and that for me I feel would be good as I hate the short term bf's which I always seem to get if I perhaps get with guys my age or younger, so for me the older they are the more safe I feel. Now that is not the case with some older guys, as I have found also, but again I feel that the older they are the more likely they are to want the same kinda things or are more likely to maybe consider it, I find with guys my age they are very much in it for the fun of it rather than having a serious relationship, so yeah. Older guys rok, and the one I have now is such a sweetie, wouldn't trade him for the world and he is almost four years older I think maybe a bit over three I'm 18 almost 19 and he has just turned 22 so yeah, so yeah I find older guys are more mature and much more stable in what they want than say guys my age or younger. Just thought you should know [ 08-23-2006, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Allysa ]
iheartdc
Member # 30201
posted 08-23-2006 11:03 AM
3 years is not a very big difference when you're college-age, Ally. You can still be at the same point in your life then. I think on this forum they're talking about larger gaps, or gaps at younger ages.
Tuxy
Member # 30392
posted 08-23-2006 01:45 PM
I have a huge gap between me and this guy I like. I'm 15 and he's 23. Its very awkward because I know what some older men do to younger girls here.
Miss Lauren
Member # 25983
posted 08-23-2006 02:40 PM
Yikes! An 8 year difference between yourself and a man at the age of 15 just doesn't sound like a good situation to get yourself into, Tuxy. If you feel uneasy about it, it's a very good sign not to let it get past that "like" stage. As the posts above say, a healthy guy in his early 20's just shouldn't be seeking a woman so much younger.
Allysa
Member # 29972
posted 08-23-2006 02:45 PM
My ex was 24 and I was 16 when we first got together, that was awkward because I had, had a nasty history mainly with older guys, but yeah, now mind you I think he's a jerk because of how he ended things but if we didn't brake up I wouldn't be with my baby now, lol and I thinks he's so much more honest and open with me than my ex and honestly a lot more mature. LOL, my ex and I had and eight and a half year gap.
Tuxy
Member # 30392
posted 08-23-2006 08:34 PM
Thanks Miss L. I won't let it get past the 'like' stage. P.S. He's not seeking me though. ~Cynthia
Tuxy
Member # 30392
posted 08-23-2006 10:16 PM
(Oh,Miss Lauren,unfourtunatly I've liked him since I was 11 )
gershwingirl
Member # 21496
posted 09-07-2006 06:46 PM
This is a really interesting topic. It was clear at school that as a girl you were expected to date someone 1/2/3 years above, and no one really questionned this status quo. Boys in the year below were totally out of the question. I suppose at the age of 13, 14, girls may be more mature than boys, so perhaps there is some logic to them dating someone slightly older. Perhaps. But the expectation to date older, for girls, seems to continue right into late teenagerdom too. Happily, once you get to college/uni, everyone's roughly at the same stage in their life, and actual age is fairly irrelevant (I say 'fairly' because a few people tried to tease me about my boyfriend being younger than me, from time to time). However I was recently talking to a male friend (aged 21) who said his mum often asks him if he's found a nice girl yet. Apparently his mum has a very clear idea of what this girl should be like. Above all, according to the mum, she should be 1 or 2 years younger than him. She is actively encouraging him to make friends with the freshers this year for this reason. WHY? I can't really see any logic to this at all, other than that she has internalized the societal norms. After all - looking at the reasons discussed in this thread - she can't consciously be looking for a girl to be a 'trophy' girlfriend, more easily manipulated, or to be economically dependent on her son... can she?! Strange. [ 09-07-2006, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: gershwingirl ]
cherrylea
Member # 42971
posted 06-18-2009 02:56 PM
I'm in a fairly serious relationship with my current bf and he is 17 (turning 18 in august) and I'm 15 (14 when I met him) we have covered many issues that could cause potential problems like abortion and contraception. One of the biggest things we spoke about was that he is a virgin and wants to lose his virginity before he turns 18. I told him I wasn't ready and that I wouldn't have sex with him. He told me he would wait for me and hasn't asked since. He is also very tolerant of my mother's need to accompany us on our dates. We have said I love you's and I do believe it. As for it being a trend, for me, I find that boys in the ninth grade are incredibly immature and their relationships don't last long. I'm not the type of person to want lots of short term flings. There is also the fact that there is something sexy about someone who can teach you something rather than stumble along with you. However in our case we don't go to the same schools so when we met age didnt come up for awhile so I doubt he targeted me because of the three year age difference.
cherrylea
Member # 42971
posted 06-18-2009 02:58 PM
I'm in a fairly serious relationship with my current bf and he is 17 (turning 18 in august) and I'm 15 (14 when I met him) we have covered many issues that could cause potential problems like abortion and contraception. One of the biggest things we spoke about was that he is a virgin and wants to lose his virginity before he turns 18. I told him I wasn't ready and that I wouldn't have sex with him. He told me he would wait for me and hasn't asked since. He is also very tolerant of my mother's need to accompany us on our dates. We have said I love you's and I do believe it. As for it being a trend, for me, I find that boys in the ninth grade are incredibly immature and their relationships don't last long. I'm not the type of person to want lots of short term flings. There is also the fact that there is something sexy about someone who can teach you something rather than stumble along with you. However in our case we don't go to the same schools so when we met age didnt come up for awhile so I doubt he targeted me because of the three year age difference.
NoaFuuma
Member # 61188
posted 04-04-2011 08:02 AM
I'm in an online relationship with a guy who is 23 years older than I am. So I'm 16 and he's 39... We have been in this relationship since 9 jan 2011 and we're planning on meeting each other in summer. I admit to having had bad experiences when i was younger and i have a bad household but i'm not really that naïve either, i know all dangers of being with an older guy and i won't go meet him alone, i also won't have sex immediately and if we do, we'll use a condom and i take the pill. My mom knows i like him and she had some difficulties with it, but she sees that i really do love him, even if it's only online. he and i had some trouble concerning the age gap between us but (even though i can be really really childish) i'm more mature than the people of my age at school, i notice this myself without any help and a friend of mine (he's a boy) who has experienced bad things in his past too, is also more mature than the others... if we on our own see this, doesn't it mean we really are more mature? even so, I have a friend who's 15 years old and she's with a man who is 50 years old and they love each other, i knew this after i went into the online relationship with my boyfriend... i have stated what i want and don't want and so h as he, and we both agree to those therms... and we love each other, we can talk for many, many hours and we see each other on cam daily. i don't see anything wrong with it, if he was manipulating me into it, i would've noticed it, wouldn't i?
Obi
Member # 39222
posted 04-05-2011 04:28 PM
I can't speak to the reality of things within your relationship, other than to offer the same advice I'd give to a friend in a similar situation. Any time there's a big age gap or you meet someone online that lives too far away to meet really early on (taking all proper precautions of course), then I'd say take it slow and go in with an open mind. If/when you do decide to meet with this guy you'll want to make very careful plans where others know where you are and where you can meet in person. Also keep an open mind. I 'dated' someone I met online for two months before we finally (safely) met up in person and I found out that we really had nothing in common after all. We were still sort of friends after that, but it's just a good example of how you can think you have very strong feelings for a person for them online, but not have that connection in person. Just be careful whatever you do.
Jill2000Plus
Member # 41657
posted 04-07-2011 08:24 AM
My boyfriend is a few months younger than me (I'm 22, he's 21), and I like having a boyfriend who's roughly the same age. Though sometimes I worry that he's going to leave me for a younger woman when we get older, not because of anything he's said or done, but just because it's such a prevalent societal narrative, and because of my weight, I'm happy with the way I look, and I know he loves me but it's hard not to be insecure.
Loving With Lust
Member # 72574
posted 07-22-2011 03:41 AM
I am guilty! I prefer older guys (3 to 5 years older) because they got more experience than guys my age. This is not always true but most of the time it's that way. Now, I don't know why the older guys prefer younger women. I think it's something that comes from a long time ago when men had to be like 10 years older than the women they married. At least here in Greece...
Kawani3792
Member # 48854
posted 07-23-2011 02:30 AM
I've noticed this as a bit of a trend also. One of my friends is 22, her husband is ten years older than her. They are married and their son (a bit of a miracle baby, as my friend was told when she was young that she'd probably never carry a child to term and have it born healthy-also, because he was born this past Mother's Day) is a couple months old. A girl I know who is a year older than me (she'll be 20 in August) is married to a man who just turned 44 earlier this year. He's the same age as my own dad. And their daughter will be turning 1 year old in September...their wedding was a slight stereotype, in that this girl's wedding gown showed the giveaway baby bump, which was past the stage of a mere bump by then. I do try to manage when both parties are happy with the situation-there's no point in being rude to them, even inadvertently. Personally, I register slight issues when one party could be the parent of the other party-so, after about a 20-year age difference it starts to seem a little strange. The girl I know, the 20 year old, was mostly raised by her older sister. Their mother had very severe asthma and their father left when this girl was 5, her older sister was 6, and their little brother was 3. Her mother passed away when this girl was about 16, and she moved in with the man she's now married to soon after. I don't know why he likes her, although I think part of it is the idea of having a younger wife makes him feel young ("I've still got it, this girl is attracted to me!"), but I think most of her attraction to him is her looking for some sort of love from an older man as a father figure, and this man happened to be around.
SilverLining
Member # 72701
posted 07-23-2011 06:09 AM
I like this topic actually, mainly because my girlfriend is an exception. She's the older one in our relationship, and I admit that she is, most of the time, the more mature one. One thing we realized as a couple; Communication is key though. No matter which of the two of you is more mature or has more experience, if you talk things through with each other, things become so much simpler and easy to deal with. Remembering that everyone has a very point of view on things also puts a spin on things when your discussing or arguing something. It's not always you and your partner will see eye to eye in a situation where something's gone wrong or something that might affect both of you together. She thinks that I'm more mature but I think I just like thinking of the things I know she WONT think of, for instance if we're talking about a fight that happened in school, she would off the bat go "It was stupid and uncalled for." I would bring up the points like, "Those same guys have been pestering and bullying him for at least 2 weeks straight, he's tried talking to teachers; it was in self defense." Sexual wise; I think that if a girl is also looking for a sexual relationship they put that into factor and think that older men also have more experience in the bedroom, then go to them. My girlfriend and I had nearly 0 sexual experience before we got together a year ago, well taking account that we're 15 and 16, that was normal. We had played around and explored a bit but we both made the decision to not have sex until we're married. One thing I do know however, and I haven't done it to her ever and I don't plan to, is guys like to pressure their girlfriends into doing things they don't really want to do. I decided that when our relationship became more sexual, we set our own barriers and before we did anything new, talk about it and see if we really did want to do it. BUT I have noticed these days are different from before; some girls are also more aggressive when it comes to sex these days, meaning they sometimes pressure FOR it as well. Through my relationship with my girlfriend, I think the most important part of a relationship is being able to openly express your views and feeling without feeling your going to be shot down. Communication is key in a relationship.
blush
Member # 69019
posted 07-26-2011 02:45 AM
Sometimes (not always) its just because the two connect. I've often seen these types of relationships work if the two people did love eachother and connected well together. I'm not saying thats the norm or what happens to everyone of course, I'm just saying that sometimes it really is because two people meet, fall in love, and don't believe age is an issue when doing so. But again this is only sometimes.
Evan
Member # 54451
posted 08-25-2011 10:13 AM
I know a lot of guys in their 20s who are dating firls 5 years younger than them. I have also noticed that most of the hot girls in college (6th form college, so 16-18) are dating guys who are of university age i.e early 20s. I know exactly why the guys do it. In my experience, the older guys they date are usually the ones who are considered unpopular in college. But as they get older, the fact that they are older, perhaps mre experienced, more mature, in university, have a job etc makes them attractive to the hot girls in college, (whereas the popular guys get older and go straight on the dole.) Among people their own age, the former nerds are still that, they must compete among guys better looking, more charming, more exerienced etc to get a hot woman their own age. But to the hotties who are younger, theyre the cream of the crop. I know it sounds jerkish, but after youve spent all of school and college being rejected, when youre suddenly given a chance to date someone way out of your league just because youre a bit older, why wouldnt you? Most guys dont go for the younger hotties for a serious relationship, just for thrills. When they want something serious they generally go for a girl whos more mature.