T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28575
posted 04-28-2006 08:08 AM
I'm fifteen, sixteen in June. Over the past few months, I applied for a full scholarship at Simon's Rock College (an early college for kids out of 10th and 11th grade) and ended up receiving it. Hence, I will be going away to school next fall.
I feel ready for this step, 100%. I'm completely comfortable with leaving home since I have the support of a wonderful family and some great friends that I will most likely keep in touch with (most of them I've known for 6-7 years). My one reservation in this endeavor--the school is amazing, I feel totally ready for my next step in this world--is my boyfriend. Of course. We've been together nearly five months (which, compared to my other friendships, isn't long at all) and we're good friends as well as "romantically involved" (or whatever you want to call it). He's completely encouraging and supportive of my going away to school, and thinks it's a great opportunity (though I can sense that his face falls a little whenever I talk about leaving next fall). My mom is sympathetic, says that she and pretty much all the women she knows had similar experiences when going away to school, but that I'll probably meet new people. This is extremely plausible--indeed, likely--and I accept that. I'm completely crazy about this guy, and we have a great relationship, but statistically the likelihood of our staying together at this age is pretty small. (This is something my boyfriend and I have discussed.) However, I feel like my situation is a little different than the typical "going away to college" scenario, as I'm a lot younger. I think if I was staying home, there's a good chance we'd stay together for as much as the next two years (we're both technically sophomores this year). Also, I'm a little wary of encountering so-called "college boys," kids who are away from home the first time and a lot more eager to try things out of sight of their parents. Not that I don't think that I could maintain my limits and fend off unwanted advances and all that; I'm completely confident in my ability to do so. But I feel like I've gotten pretty lucky in finding a guy who also wants to hold off on sexual intercourse, who is as experiencially "innocent" as I, and who I already have some background with. We've talked about all this a little, and decided that we want to try and stay together and maintain a long-distance relationship. I feel like we're both emotionally capable of handling something like this--I've done similar things before, though with friends and not boyfriends--but I'm worried that I might subconsciously be clinging to him out of security. I'd rather have someone dependable at home than try and initiate a new relationship while I'm juggling my first year at college. But is this unrealistic and unfair to both of us? I'm not sure what I'm looking for in terms of adivice. Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you do? Currently, I'm going with the "well, we'll see what happens" line of thought, which seems healthiest. At the moment, we have a very stable relationship which seems likely to endure at least till I leave. After that, we'll see what happens. Perhaps we'll meet new people. Perhaps we'll stay together.
oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647
posted 04-28-2006 08:26 AM
Congrats! on taking a step to better your life! You seem to have your head on your shoulders and know what you want. You have goals, and you are fulfilling them. Go you! It seems even more amazing to me that your boyfriend is supportive. I can understand that he probably has feelings about you leaving, but he wants you to go and improve yourself, further your education, and at your young age, I think this is totally wonderful! I think it is equally wonderful that you and your boyfriend are able to discuss these things, and discuss your future. You seem to be handling this very maturely. Long distance relationships are difficult, but doable. You both also understand that you are at the stage in your life where you are meeting people, learning more about yourself, and not ready for anything committing. Thats great. You both understand that you may meet other people, and hopefully, from what I gather, if that happens you will still have a friendship. May I ask though, how far away will you be from your boyfriend? How often will you be able to come home and spend time with him? (assuming you both choose to try this long distance thing) I did find something a little discouraging in what you said though. quote: but I'm worried that I might subconsciously be clinging to him out of security. I'd rather have someone dependable at home than try and initiate a new relationship while I'm juggling my first year at college. But is this unrealistic and unfair to both of us? I think that is common when someone is going away, for them to want to feel secure by hanging on to someone back home just to save themself the trouble of putting themselves out there and willing to meet new people, and look for new partners. I don't think you should consider this if you are simply "hanging on to him" for only that reason. (Which I don't think is the case actually, I may be wrong) It would be unfair to him, to both of you. Think about it.
Good luck to you. You seem to have your mind pretty open about this situation. I think you will do fine!
Member # 28575
posted 04-28-2006 08:43 AM
I'll be about three hours' drive away from home. The college has pretty generous vacation time, partially out of respect to its younger students, so I'll probably be home a couple times a semester.
Let me clarify: I don't feel like I'm hanging on to him just so I don't have to meet new people! I'm a very social person, I make friends easily, and feel comfortable around both genders--it's my hope that I'll find both guys and girls that I like, because I'll need that support of other people my first time away from home. However, I do worry that I might hold on to him just "until I find something better." I'd really like to think that's not the case, the way I feel about him now would lead me to believe otherwise. But then again, human nature wants me to be happy as long as I can, not invite heartache earlier simply because it might not last in the long run. I have a friend who believes that you should have only one partner, who should be your "soulmate" and you should spend your life together. While I think that's a nice idea, and ideally if you're going to spend your life with someone, they should be ultimately "right" for you, I also think that relationships sometimes serve a more temporary, rather than ultimate, purpose. You can have a partner who is right for you in every way, for a certain five years (even a year, a month, a moment) of your life, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Mmm, I'm rambling a little, but thanks for your feedback. I'm confident that everything will turn out fine, and also that there will probably be hard times, but it's most important to appreciate what I have now.
Member # 28575
posted 04-28-2006 08:47 AM
Actually, I just realized that what I meant to say is not that I'm worried about being burdened with initiating a new relationship amidst the craziness of my first year--I'm worried about being too busy moping over a breakup to concentrate fully on my schoolwork, whereas if I'm happy and secure in my romantic life, I'd be more capable of focusing. Does that make sense?
I'm depersonalizing this in order to analyze my own motives, but mostly I just don't want to lose this amazing (boy)friend.
oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647
posted 04-28-2006 08:50 AM
I apologize. I didn't mean that you weren't capable of making friends. I am pretty sure by what you said earlier that it definitely WOULD be easy for you. And as I said when I commented, I didn't think that was the case. Again, I apologize. quote: However, I do worry that I might hold on to him just "until I find something better." That was what I was trying to get at. I guess I had the wrong choice of words.
Again, I think you are dealing with this very maturely and rationally. I'm almost certain things will be just fine. And again, good luck to you! Have fun at college! (My first semester was a blast! -until I had to switch universities because of a terrifying experience bringing back my past. I'm sure you will be far more lucky than I was!)
oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647
posted 04-28-2006 08:58 AM
Honestly, I think you have a very open-minded relationship. From what I gather, even if you two decided to end the relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean you would have to stop being friends.
I say go for it. But communicate. Let him know that you want to try to keep your relationship going, but if it becomes to difficult and stressful, or you simply wish not to, that you want to still have the option of being friends. [ 04-28-2006, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]
Member # 22471
posted 04-28-2006 09:30 AM
If it helps, the situation I'm currently living in is somewhat similar to yours, so reading your post struck a chord in me
I'm currently living and working in New Zealand, my boyfriend of two years and as far as I currently know, love of my life, is back in my hometown. When I return in November, I'll have been away from him for about nine months- and if you think a three hours difference seems daunting at all, think of being in an entirely different country! The way we're handeling this situation is essentially the "well, we'll see what happens" line of thought, because we did discuss at length that we were aware of the possibility that I could meet someone else, that he could meet someone else (though based on the locations and situation, the former seemed more likely) and that when I return, things may not work out as a romatnic relationship anymore. And hey, that's a hard thing to ideentify and be okay with, but we are both aware it is a reality, and at very least, we'll be open and aware of it and we did leave on good terms, if things are not to work out. Now, my situation does differ from yours in a couple ways, mostly in that I had been with my boyfriend for two years, and although we're both only 19, both of us are fairly future-working-support-ourselves orriented and came to a stage in our lives and our relationship, could see ourselves ideally being together in the future more seriously (and we were serious before this, so). I'd be lying if I said that I didn't see myself possibly spending my life with him- but at the same time, I am keeping in my mind that that may not happen, and if it doesn't, I can accept it. So really, the point I guess I'm trying to make is that I think what you're doing with the situation sounds completely healthy. It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and are being very intelligent and mature with considering all the sides of the relationship and how to handle the change. It's natural to have doubts and worry about why you may be making certain choices, especially when it comes to something like moving away from your home and your loved ones (again, something I'm totally familiar with). And also, really, congratulations on acheiving such a wonderful opportunity in your life. It is incredibly important to seize opportunities that are presented to you that will help you make the best of your future and your life. I'm positive you'll take so much positive experience and knowledge from this new school and new step in your life and it's amazing to see people be able to take steps in their life such as this, especially after I've already learned so much about my life from my own big change I hope you'll keep us updated on your experiences with the school and with the relationship, best of luck, hon!
Member # 28575
posted 04-28-2006 12:36 PM
Thanks a lot to both of you for your support and encouragement! I'm a little suprised at how much better I feel, having my feelings reinforced & validated by people who have been through similar situations. I appreciate it a lot.
Member # 28411
posted 04-28-2006 05:52 PM
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. Not even joking...
I'm very much in the same situation as you, except I'm 18 and will be moving away from home this summer to start an early college program at Northern Arizona University. And, just like you, I have a very supportive, patient, amazing boyfriend who will be going to college in Phoenix. It's such a hard situation --almost like a tug-o-war with rationality and optimism. You don't want to damper your relationship by saying that it's going to end eventually, but you also don't want to be over-optimistic, because it will only hurt worse in the end. It's kind of nice to hear that I'm not alone in this though.... Just as oOo Lea oOo said, good for you for having goals and not being afraid to go after them. You really seem like a mature, young woman, unlike the many fifteen-year-olds I know who make pretty pathetic choices on behalf of their boyfriends. So yes, go you! Good luck to your future -- you and your boyfriend, and for the sake of optimism, I hope you can manage to stay together for a long time