T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 8298
posted 05-24-2002 11:07 PM
I have been with my boyfriend, Tim, for a long time. We are very close, and I do love him very much. He is a great guy; of course he does some things that really drive me crazy, but he treats me better than I have ever been treated.
We have slowly fallen into a routine in our relationship that never changes. Its the same thing, every single day. Even though I love him, I am getting restless. One of the reasons I started seeing him was because we had so much fun together. Now, we don't have fun. I have tried talking to him about this, but he just dismisses the subject. He is content to stay at home every night and watch tv.
That's not all. I recently started working at a new place, and I work with a guy who is very attractive, and very interesting. We always have a lot to talk to each other about, and I enjoy his company. He has asked me a few times if I want to go out for coffee after work, or go do something together. I have always made up an excuse not to go, but I really want to go.
I don't know what I want. I'm only 16; I feel like I'm a little too young to be tied down already- I want to go out, do things, live a little. But I don't want to ruin my relationship with a wonderful guy just because I'm a little restless.
I'm sorry this is so long. Have any of you ever felt this way? If so, how did you decide what to do? I will appreciate any and all tips.
Member # 2971
posted 05-24-2002 11:28 PM
Honestly, i think the best thing to do, is talk to your boyfriend about your feelings. Ask him how he feels, and maybe discuss a break at the very least. Communication is important and if you're unhappy, you should tell your boyfriend and not leave him in the dark. Often it turns out that they may be feeling the same.
'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling Erin Jane ~Scarleteen Advocate~
Member # 2606
posted 05-25-2002 08:28 PM
I've had that problem.
I've been in a relationship for two and a half years, and I'm only- well, 18 in a very short amount of time. <g> It IS too young to be tied down, and I DO get restless, seeing all those hot guys out there to be flirted with (and I'm a *terrible* flirt).
Mm . . . relationships, at their beginning, have a certain zing and excitement and romance to them. Relationships tend to lose that after years go by. The important thing, when meeting new people, is to decide whether you're attracted to them because they have that special zest that is only found in the beginning of a relationship, or because there is genuinely something in them that calls to you. If it's the second, you have to get to know them better, as a friend, and decide based on that.
In your case, I think you can have a cup of coffee with the guy, and get to know him better, without feeling guilty. ::thinks:: though I come from an open relationship . . . I have no idea what the boundaries are in yours . . . talk it over with your b/f, I guess.
I hope all that made sense.
Member # 8298
posted 05-25-2002 10:26 PM
My relationship with my boyfriend is at the opposite end of the spectrum from an "open relationship". Tim believes that the woman's place is in the home, and he doesn't think that I am supposed to have any other interests outside of him.
When I say I am going to go out with friends, he pouts, because I didn't ask him to come. I can't even let him know I talk to any of my guy friends anymore, because he is so insecure that he freaks out whenever I mention another guy's name. He tells me what to wear, and there are certain items of my clothing that he has taken and "done away with". Most recently, a skirt I paid $45 that I have been wanting for the longest time. It was just a simple blue jean skirt, and it wasn't even short. My dad didn't think it was too short. I never even got to wear it once.
So yeah, the boundaries in my relationship with Tim are very clear, and very strict.
Member # 5375
posted 05-25-2002 10:36 PM
This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Relationships and their boundaries should be based upon mutual agreement and compromise - not one partner setting rules and the other obeying them.
It may be time to evaluate what
you want from this relationship.
Member # 94
posted 05-25-2002 11:42 PM
Now, throwing away your clothing is downright disrespectful. Personally, aside from the issue that you brought up in your original post, I feel that before you continue this relationship you should demand the respect that you deserve as a person.
As for the original issue, it does sound like the boundaries of your current relationship aren't working for you at the moment- as such, I do think you need to talk to your boyfriend about relaxing those boundaries.
Member # 8316
posted 05-27-2002 09:13 PM
okay... I'm 16 too, and frankly I don't think at our age we need two fathers!! He's completely out of line with his "boundaries". A relationship is about equal partnership. Is this your first relationship by chance? My first relationship was like that and it took me a long time to get out of it because I didn't realize how unhealthy it was. This could potentially turn into a dangerous situation.... I suggest that you talk to a trusted adult about this and get help to get out of it.
[This message has been edited by licibee (edited 05-27-2002).]
Member # 8298
posted 05-28-2002 12:36 AM
No, this isn't my first relationship by a long shot. My first one began when I was 12, and ended two and a half years later. It was also a very controling relationship, but it had one quality this one does not- violence. It was bad. It took a long time for me to gather the strength and courage to get out, but I did, and I promised myself I'd never go back. For a while there, I was worried this one was going to be the same way, and I think I was looking for a way out.
But I had a long talk with Tim, and I think we've gotten a lot of our issues resolved. I suppose only time will tell.
Member # 5162
posted 06-03-2002 01:12 AM
When your relationship is new, things will always seem new and exciting. After awhile things start to simmer down, you run out of things to do and boredom and routine set in.
This is definetly to be expected. Even if you did break it off with Tim, you'd be starting something new with another guy. You have no idea what this other guy's long term goals are, and he may be seeking a long term relationship with you as well.
Did you feel very restless and bored before this 'new guy' came along? Did you feel too young to be tied down before he came along? Were you considering breaking it off with Tim before he came along? If not you could just be looking for things that aren't there in order to find an 'out'.
Regardless, do whatever *you* think will make *you* the happiest. Do what is best for *you* and *your* future. Remember that you will probably have a lot more boyfriends in your life time before you get married, and if you don't want to be with someone then you don't have to be.
Best of luck!
Member # 568
posted 06-03-2002 03:10 PM
hmm, have you thought about maybe flying solo for a while? from what you've described you seem to have been in a lot of stifling relationships. How about giving yourself some "me" time. Get to know *yourself* a little better. figure out what it is you really want. there's nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Color is for crayons, not for people.
Member # 8298
posted 06-04-2002 12:49 AM
Actually, yes, I had been feeling quite restless and smothered before long before I even knew the new guy existed.
I think that meeting Toby (new guy) and getting to know him, and realizing that I really enjoy his company (even though we aren't dating) helped me to truly see that there is a huge world out there full of interesting people that I may never get to experience if I stay with Tim.
I like Toby; I can talk to him freely and openly, and I am comfortable with him. I enjoy working with him, and I value our friendship. And I know that if Tim has anything to do with it, this friendship with disolve very soon.
I don't want to be tied down yet. I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now. I mean, I just got my driver's license, I'm not ready to be a wife and a mother! I think I will just be on my own for a while. Casual relationships are great, but I intend to make it very clear up front that casual is all I want at this point in my life. Just someone to hang with, to talk to, to go out with... but not 24/7, and no ball and chain.
Member # 2606
posted 06-04-2002 07:15 PM
Geeze. Not to be disrespectful, but Tim seems a little scary to me. I do respect couples who have mutually decided that the woman is going to stay home, and the man to work. Tim, though, throwing away your clothing and not wanting you to talk to other guys sounds just plain wrong. You have a right to your own life . . . also- and advocates/sexperts, stop me if I'm wrong, here- aren't those sorts of controlling behavior signs of a potentially abusive relationship?
Well, best of luck, Cherokee, in whatever decision you make. :
Member # 7006
posted 06-05-2002 10:11 PM
Well, I have a boyfriend of a year. I think that I love him. He's really a great guy. There are of course things about him that I don't like. But I think everyone doesn't like something about his/her boy/girlfriend.
Recently, my friend, Will came into town for a visit. (He's going to school in North Carolina.) I have always had a little crush on him. I know that he likes me, he told me before he left two years ago. From the way that he was acting when he visited me, I know that he still does. I have always thought that he was a wonderful guy. I only saw him for a few hours, but now I can't stop thinking about him! It's driving me crazy; because I want things to go back to the way they were when I was only thinking about my boyfriend and not about Will.
Lately, everytime my boyfriend does something that I don't like, I immediately think to myself: "Will would never do this." I hate comparing the two, but I can't seem to stop.
I know that Will doesn't want a girlfriend while he's away, and he did ask me before he left if I would go out on a date with him when he came back, but I really don't know what to do.
Member # 5508
posted 06-05-2002 10:37 PM
AngelBaby- I'm gonna give my honest opinion, but please, do what YOU feel is right. If you don't agree with me, that's quite alright. You need to go with your own feelings. I just have a suggestion.
It sounds to me like you want out of the relationship with your boyfriend. Yes of course, there are always going to be things you don't like about your partner, and that's normal, but it sounds like you just need time away from him right now. You don't say your age but I'm guessing you're a teenager. Now, this may not be the popular opinion, but I am of the mind that high school and college is a time for dating a lot of people-- finding out what you're looking for in a partner. I tend to think that very serious relationships in high school and college are a bit silly. You need time to find out who you are, and get to know a lot of people. It isn't necessary to have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend during this time. (Again, this is strictly opinion. There are many people who find their husband or wife in high school, and that's fine. But generally, I think it's a time for casual dating.)
Anyways... just because you think you love your boyfriend doesn't mean that you can't be with other people. I love my ex-boyfriend very much, and he loves me very much, but we both recognize that this is an important time in our lives to do our own thing and not be tied down to each other. We have a great relationship where we can be with other people if we want, or with each other if we want, but we don't have to feel obligated to call each other every night, or be with each other 24/7. I must say it's a pretty sweet deal.
I would talk to your boyfriend. (ONLY if you want to.) I would tell him that you need a little space but you don't want things to change too much. You just need a little freedom.
As for Will, he needs to cool his jets. He needs to respect the fact that you have a boyfriend. Don't break up with your boyfriend just for Will. If you break up with him, do it for you, and for him, and do it because you realize that it's healthy for both of you. If you don't think it'll be healthy, don't do it! If you still want a serious relationship with him, then realize that there will always be guys like Will, and that they can't come between you and your boyfriend.
Ok sorry for the length! To sum up, go with your gut. Do what you feel is right. Don't worry about Will's feelings, and don't worry about your boyfriend's feelings. Ask yourself what YOU need at this time in your life, and explain those needs to your boyfriend. Good luck.
Member # 8298
posted 06-06-2002 12:13 AM
quote: Originally posted by AngelBaby10: Lately, everytime my boyfriend does something that I don't like, I immediately think to myself: "Will would never do this." I hate comparing the two, but I can't seem to stop. I do that, too. Whenever Tim does something that really annoys me, like starts telling one of his wild, 8-hour-long stories, I'll sit there and think the whole time, "Toby would never go on like this. When he talks, its because he has something to say." I always feel bad for comparing them, but I don't know how to stop, either.
If you figure out how to
not do it before I do, let me know! I'll do the same! Moth: ::accepts hug:: Thank you.
Member # 5162
posted 06-06-2002 03:16 PM
I think you already know what you want, and I think you've already made a decision for yourself.
Solo time sounds like an awesome suggestion for you. Maybe you could try a break from Tim, if you aren't completely sure yet. Time alone can be a positive thing for couples.
I hope things work out for you, whatever you choose to do. Keep well.