T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 5380
posted 03-15-2002 04:03 PM
i just got out of a relationship that was longterm and i really dont want a relationship right now until i know that the person feels the same way i do. i met this guy that is very sensitive and sweet and quite quiet. which i think is so attractive, he has never had a real girlfriend and we both like each other. i want sex but i dont want to be in a relationship just for sex. He is a friend of mine and i have had thought of him being my friend with benefits. i know he would not object and i dont want to be in a serious relationship with him until we are good friends first and know each other pretty well. if we are safe and define our limits, is it okay?? i know he probably does not suspect that i want this. but i want a friend to be affectionate with and intimate with, but no serious relationship right now. it could lead to something later on right? I am not a slut,and have never been with more than one person. i just want a friend to be intimate with, and hang with. that is it. would i be considered a hoe? would i be too aggressive for asking him this?? please reply
never is a promise
Member # 7368
posted 03-15-2002 04:24 PM
I really don't think you should get involved in this.
You will only probably end up getting hurt.
You might start getting more feelings for him and want to start an actual relationship after just doing stuff with him, and he might not.
I doubt this guy would have any respect for you.
Why don't you just become close friends with him without anything physical and then when you are ready start an actual relationship?
Member # 5317
posted 03-15-2002 04:44 PM
You're not wrong for wanting to be friends with benefits. However, it would be wrong to go for that without telling him. Sit down with him, talk about what each of you wants, and decide with him what will happen.
Also, drop by the fabulous
Sex Readiness Checklist with him and make sure you're both definitely ready before having sex.
Sapphire Cat The world needs me, to know not everyone is the same. Artist, poet, programmer, dreamer, and crossdressing bondage kitty
Member # 3072
posted 03-15-2002 05:18 PM
First of all, the words "slut" and "ho" are not in our collective vocabulary here, so no need to worry about that.
And second of all, the most important thing to look out for is not what others think of what you're doing, but what you think of it. If you are comfortable having a "friends with benefits" type of relationship, and you are ready and willing and able to deal with the potential consequences, then by all means go ahead. Do not listen to those who tell you that what you're doing is wrong, and do not listen to those who tell you that what you are doing is the best thing on earth...all that matters is how you and your prospective partner feel about it.
That said, do remember to tread very carefully when getting into situations like these. There are more things to be considered than just getting the physical intimacy that you desire. There are serious emotional ramifications to friends-with-benefits relationships, which can include the loss of close friendships if things go wrong. In my personal experience, I have witnessed friendships end over relationships of this type. One party wanted more than the other did, and it degenerated from there. This is not to say that all friends-with-benefits relationships go this way, but it should be seen as a sign of what is unfortunately possible with such a situation.
Having a talk with your friend is the only way to go about something of this nature. Sit down and have a one-on-one conversation where you and your friend can go over the details of this proposed relationship. I know this sounds more like a business deal than an interpersonal relationship, but it is something that has to be taken seriously. It's a big step that changes the outlook of your friendship, often in ways that cannot be reversed. If you are willing to take the risk and he is too, then you can hammer out all the details and go through with it. But having a serious talk about it is the only way to go.
On a more personal note, I'd advise you to think through this one really carefully. Maybe spend this weekend thinking about it before you dive right in. From prior posts of yours, you seem to really have had a rough time these past few weeks, with a breakup weighing heavily on your mind at the moment. With that breakup so recent and so fresh, it may not be a very wise move to enter into something this serious with a friend right now. If something goes wrong, which is a very possibility, you run the risk of going through even more emotional turmoil than you've already suffered. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
In short, take care of yourself. Think this through long and hard before making a decision, and be sure to give yourself some time to heal. Beyond that, it is all up to you. Good luck!
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Member # 7347
posted 03-16-2002 12:22 AM
Danny is right about this one. There are a few cautions you need to really think about. First one is that you just got out of a serious relationship. In my experience, it's not a good idea to get involved with anyone in any kind of romantic/sexual way right after you get out of a relationship. You really need to think about *why* you want to have a friends-with-benefits type relationship.
Next, of course, is making sure that your relationship with this guy is laid out in definites so you both know exactly what's going on. Will you be upset if he has a date with another girl? Will he be upset if you have any kind of sex with another guy? These are things that need to be talked about, in depth, with real answers, otherwise it'll get all icky.
And you need to make sure that neither of you has stronger or different kind of feelings than the other. If he likes you as more than a friend, or more than a friend he has sex with, then it will lead to him being dissatisfied and upset, and it won't end up good. You just need to start on the same page, and talk about it more if anything changes.
Member # 3824
posted 03-16-2002 12:54 AM
I have experienced this just very recently. We messed around for awhile, and then I REALLY got feelings for him. Now I'm attached... and I can't shuck the feelings that I have for him. In your case, you may not develop feelings for the person you plan on having "benefits" with. Not saying that this will happen to you, but it's very possible that he/she will start thinking of you as their "toy". You need to look at ALL the ups and downs of this. With me, there are more downs. Just please think it over before you get involved, okay? With me, the outcome was bad...
~*Only God Knows Why*~
Member # 6858
posted 03-16-2002 08:34 AM
I dont think you should really do that, number one because you might just be hurting him after everything is over, what if he really does like you and in the end you end up not liking him! Then its going to hurt him. or vise vursa! Its not a good thing to mess around with someone always gets hurt!
~*Katie Frances*~ "No i dont want to meet ur friends, and i dont want to start over again i just want my life to be the same just like it use to be"
"In the land of the free, home of the brave, why is it that i still feel like a slave.?"
Member # 6228
posted 03-17-2002 12:52 PM
no, you're not wrong.
i myself have a very cosy 'friends with benefits' arrangement, altho it's more 'friends who play chess' or on occasion 'shagbunnies'. but i will say this. i think that if you have just recently come out of a long term relationship, having supposedely meaningless sex with a friend is not going to solve the problems of desiring physical intimacy. in a ... fragile emotional state this sort of arrangement could probably lead quite easily to your getting hurt and too attached, and as we all know, it is far more easy for males to have a 'meaningless' sexual relationship than for females, so if you developed feelings it is quite possible they would not be returned. sometimes i think that my arrangement could develop into something more, because as well as sex we get on very well with each other, but at the point in my life i am in, and his life, we are not going to embark on a relationship - i am going to uni, he is going to france. so for me, it is perfect, and i don't anticipate our friendship being lost. but please, proceed with caution. i don't think it really sounds like you're quite ready to have sex with someone just for the hell of it after a long relationship.
- you think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated? - well come on baby , i'm ready!
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Member # 384
posted 03-17-2002 01:22 PM
quote: Originally posted by insatiablesmiles: as we all know, it is far more easy for males to have a 'meaningless' sexual relationship than for females
The rest of your post had some good stuff, Pandora, but I just couldn't let this broad generalization slide. C'mon now, we've all known (or at least heard about) women who had no trouble having sex without deep emotional involvement, just as we've all known (or heard about) guys for whom physical and emotional intimacy are very much intertwined...and vice versa. To characterize either males or females as being any particular way simply because of gender is inaccurate and unfair, so try to avoid the stereotypes, okay?
Member # 3478
posted 03-20-2002 10:26 AM
I don't think you should use your friend for their benefits. How would you feel if you were that person. WOUld you really want to be used? Maybe your friend doesn't mind, but it doesn't show they have much respect for themselves. I think maybe just stay single for a while, or maybe start to hang out with friends and then you can find someone. Just a thought,
Member # 1679
posted 03-20-2002 11:21 AM
Woah there...being in a friends/sexual relationship does not necessarily mean that anyone is "using" anyone else. Using implies that one of the parties isn't conscious of the actual state of the relationship or is being mislead, which is not the situation under discussion. As long as everybody stays honest and is willing to lay all their cards out on the table, well then it's really unfair to say that one is being used.
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Member # 6228
posted 03-20-2002 12:39 PM
ladymoonlight - i did kinda realise that when i typed it ... :s oops but...i think, -in general- it is far easier for men because of the way they are conditioned and their hormones etc. i read a great book ''Why men won't listen and women can't read maps''. which sounds like pop psychology, and is really, but also had loads of interesting stuff ... including a lot about this.
i won't do it again. -sheepish-
Member # 3
posted 03-22-2002 09:33 AM
I think we have to be VERY careful when we assume sex in relationships is not usury (and thus everything outside that framework is) because "in exchange" for sex, one gets a relationship.
No one in a healthy relationship should need any sort of barter or compensation for sex, and that sort of thinking basically created a lot of very negative relationship patterns for millions of people in the past (most notably generations of women who "exchanged" sex for a marriage pact).
Sex can be healthy, fair and pleasurable in a myriad of different relationship typpes, so long as both people involved are willing in that given framework, are ready and responsible, and are open and honest with one another as they go along. If two people wish to have a sexual relationship that isn't a romantic one, that can be just as healthy as anything else, and in the same vein, two people in a romamntic relationship can be having a dysfunctional sexual relationship in which both are "using" one another. A romantic relationship doesn't mean that cannot happen, and a non-romantic one doesn't mean it will.
On a personal note, I married who I married because he was my friend first -- both in years and in emphasis -- and my romance second. For many years, off and on, we had what would be described here as a "friends with benefits" situation, though I honestly don't care much for that term. Sex isn't a "benefit." It's simply another aspect of any given relationship. The point is, in relationships, we all look for different things: for some of us, "romance" simply isn't a priority, or even something we want.
Heather Corinna Editor and Founder, Scarleteen My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
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Member # 5380
posted 03-22-2002 04:20 PM
i do not believe i am using him whatsoever. he has been my friend for a while and has many qualities that i admire... i let him know what i wanted and he said yes.. i told him i was not ready for another relationship right now becuz i am really busy in school right now , but i told him that come the summertime, i will be ready for one... he agreed and said that would be fine.. i am going to go along with it just becuz i have been feeling that way for along time. i am trying not to care what other people will think of it anymore.. i guess i can only care about what i think.but i really want this and he said he would be happy too. wink!