T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 3380
posted 04-29-2001 10:52 PM
Excuse me if I make any spelling mistakes or crucial grammatical errors....I am trembling so much right now that my fingers are barely touching the keys in the right places.
Again....I am 19 and living at home due to my college program.
I have told you before about my pessimistic parents and my fabulous 26 y/o boyfriend. Recently, I brought up to them that we want to take some brief trips this summer which would include one or two nights (such as skiing at Tuckerman's in NH, which involves one night of camping). My parents, however, are totally against this as they are afraid how it will appear to others and are unwilling to compromise. "Their house, their rules"....is their motto, I guess. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and feel that this is something that we should be able to do. We took one trip last summer and we stayed with his folks in IL. Very controlled, my folks are. We figured that this would be a logical step in our relationship...to take it slow and then this year do a couple more trips, this time with some over-nighters. Not for weeks at a time, mind you, but rather, a night or two at the time. We have pretty much exhausted this area and much else we want to do requires a night or two.
He, however as he is older, is growing a little impatient and doesn't know where my parent's latest decision leaves us. My parents are allowing day-trips now...but that's it. If I were to go anyhow or say "no", that I don't wish to abide by their policy, then I will most definitely no longer be welcome at home.
I would do anything for my boyfriend and he would for me. He doesn't want to hurt me in any way nor does he want to let me go. We don't know where this leaves us, though, as we really had our hearts set on going on some great easy trips. The funny part is that we NEVER fight and the only problems that we have involve my family. And I don't feel like it is worth throwing this past year down the drain for something that didn't involve a riff between us.
I am confused....absolutely heartbroken...and we are both in tears (I called him right up when I received an email from him). If I tell my folks that I will follow their "day trips only" rule, then I risk losing my boyfriend....if I say no to it and move in with my boyfriend, then I risk losing my family. Is there ANY room for compromising?
A girl....who just happens to be alone in the country...
Member # 568
posted 04-29-2001 11:28 PM
well, i gotta say, family first, they are your family. your boyfriend should never put you in any position to make you choose between him and your family. that's simply unfair. he may feel uncomfortable with your parents' rules because i'm guessing he's been out of the house for a goodlong time, but he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. if he really cares about you, he will understand.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that the universe is constantly moving to a state of greater entropy s, therefore, delta s is always greater than zero.
Member # 3380
posted 04-29-2001 11:38 PM
Thanks SO much for replying.
I know what you are saying and I guess that I should clarify.... my family is my life...I mean, I love them a lot and always will. My boyfriend isn't saying "it's my way or the highway", so to speak, but he is getting a little frustrated (myself included) that after OVER a year, that we are still restricted to day trips and that there is little compromise to be had. We felt that this would be something doable and brought it up to them so that it could be discussed. He is a truly sweet, honest, caring guy....that posting didn't do him justice. I called him after I got an email from him (I told him about my chat with the parents...) and we both sobbed over the phone. We both don't want to let go and, yet, where do we go from here?
*sigh* I don't know.... I'm just a wreck.
Member # 968
posted 04-30-2001 01:02 AM
Life can be rough. Parents can be dominating.
Sometimes you have to suffer their crap and move on. It aint easy, but you can do it.
Good: "Good evening, Mr Bigglesworth. I'm dating your daughter Lauren." Bad: "Hi tubby! I'm the guy who's porking your daughter!"
Member # 312
posted 04-30-2001 08:58 AM
I totally sympathise with you.
My parents are as strict as yours, which has made my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend both kind of difficult.
In my previous relationship, my (ex)boyfriend lived about 1 hour away, but we'd always meet about 3 times a week, and often spend a day together on weekends and stuff like that. The relationship lasted over 1 year, but just 2 months before we had our 1 year anniversary, my parents had to go on this trip to Holland (working), and me and my twin sister would be "left alone at home", and they didn't want that. After a lot of thinking and huge arguments, because both me and my sister (18 y/o at the time) didn't want to spend 2 weeks at my grandparents', who live really far away from here, and there aren't any transports from there ect... so we wanted to stay the 2 of us at home. They wouldn't let us, so we were forced to 2 weeks of boredom. And being apart from our boyfriends for 2 weeks during holiday, which I think is cruel, because we'd have time to meet and spend more time together than we could when we had school/college. So, that was hard. Some events like that happened afterwards, like I had to travel with my parents there and there, and didn't ever have a choice.
Then, my ex broke up with me...
My current boyfriend lives like 200 km's away from me, so it's pratically impossible for us to meet on a weekly basis. At first we set that we'd meet once each month, since we have to travel by train and it gets expensive... but we can't handle being one whole month apart, so we're meeting roughly every 3 weeks, unless there's any kind of holiday. Now, it's always my boyfriend who comes here. And he comes in the morning and leaves at night. That must be very tiring, although he doesn't really mind, but I'd like to be able to go up there where he lives too, like every 6 weeks, and only for the day, as my boyfriend's being doing. I talked it over with my parents endless times, and they just won't let me. I honestly can't understand, because when my boyfriend comes around, I spend the whole day out, and they don't know where and what I am doing, so it'd be the same thing...
But I've learnt to live with it, and my boyfriend understands, and he says he preffers coming here every time than having me alone in trains for such a long journey, etc... but I still don't think it's fair...
So, I think if your boyfriend is "ok" (as ok as he can be, of course) with the situation, and if you're allowed day trips (that cost me months to get...), try not to think about what you want and can't do, and enjoy the most you can what you have for now. I'm sure you'll eventually be allowed more things, and then you'll be able to make up for lost time, believe me
Just don't stress too much and think of what you already have
Member # 2870
posted 04-30-2001 10:11 AM
It's posts like that last one that make me remember how lucky I am... I live a good 200km from my girlfriend, and her parents don't mind at all when she stays over at mine and I stay over at hers... they were a bit fussy at first, insisting on separate beds, but now they're perfectly okay, after we've proved we're responsible people.
Have your parents met your boyfriend, Country Girl? It may do them the world of good if they spend some time with your guy, get to know him and learn what a great guy he really is
Member # 3380
posted 04-30-2001 12:12 PM
Have my parents met my boyfriend? *laughs hysterically* Sorry... My boyfriend comes up EVERY weekend. He helps with chores around around the yard, has just about completed the stalls for our horses down at the barn, and even plays with my 13 year old sister. They know him pretty well and know what a wonderful person he is. We've been dating for over a year now and feel that we have been good with just taking small steps...much of what else we want to do, however, involves a night or two. Just something simple like that...it's gotten blown waaaay out of proportion and it seems as though they don't want to compromise.
We have decided to stay together as it would be silly to break up over my parents rules as we never fight and are truly perfect for each other (phew...). We are, however, approaching an impass with them. I love my family dearly and wish that there was some kind of compromise to be made. However, I feel that I can't live here under their rules and say that it won't be brought up again soon or that I will fully accept their decision. *sigh*
Member # 1679
posted 04-30-2001 12:38 PM
Well, fair or unfair, they are your parents rules. And as long as you live under their roof, you do have to abide by their rules. I know I've said this before, but living at home does make things difficult. Your parents are going to tend to look at you as an overgrown high schooler as opposed to a closer to grown up college student. That's just the way it is, and you're going to have a hard time changing that. Parents worry about things like their little girl getting hurt, or people thinking their little girl is sleeping with someone she's not married to (well, not all parents think that, but some of them do).
So, what are your options here? Well, you can choose to leave your boyfriend, you can choose to leave your parents, or you can stay right where you are now. Ok, so let's say you choose to leave your boyfriend. What happens? Well, you eventually get over him (or maybe you don't), and you start seeing someone else, and the same situation arises with your parents again. Alright, so what if you leave your parents? Well, then you're astranged from your family. So how about if you just stay where you are? Well, you abide by the rules and keep trying to convince them that you're mature. And eventually you will be out of college and be able to move out.
If you want my opinion (and I'm in a similar situation to ya here too), here's what I'd do. I'd tell my boy to cool his jets, there's plenty of time for that stuff in the future. I'd focus on my education...take classes during the summer and overload my semesters as much as I could. You can cut probably a year and a half off at least if you take a full load during the summer and then take overloads. I'd try to remind myself that while I am not getting any younger, I still do have alot of years left to do things like take overnight trips with my boyfriend. And that if I'm just patient, then I'll be able to do that and still keep my family intact. This is just my opinion though of course.
"What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled..."
Member # 1371
posted 04-30-2001 01:32 PM
Allow me to offer the old-fashioned advice to dealing with such situations as overnight trips with ones beloved:
bring a chaperone.
No, seriously. That doesn't mean get Great-Aunt Tillie to come along and make sure you're wearing your white gloves properly, but in The Olden Days, boys and girls could go on trips together if they were properly chaperoned, which might explain why your parents were more comfortable when you stayed with his parents.
So, maybe ask them if they'd be willing to let you go on an overnight trip if you brought a friend or two, or stayed with people that they already knew? In other words, see if you can compromise by allowing them to impose some conditions on the trip.
but seriously, if you offer to bring along someone else, or turn it into a "trip with a bunch of friends" they may see it more as just a mini-vacation and not as "Oh god, they're going to run for the border and get married!"
Member # 3243
posted 04-30-2001 10:00 PM
I agree with a lot of people that while you're living with your parents, abide by their rules. I know how frusturating it can be, I'm just about 20 and live at home too. My parents still think if me as a child, I had to actually convince them that I was capable of paying my own car insurance! Although, because they trust me now, I am free to do as I please, as long as it's not under their roof. Like they'd NEVER let my boyfriend spend the night, but I sleep over his place all the time and they're okay with that (sort of!). But if my parents say, don't do that, fine. I feel like it is a priviledge that I am able to live with them, and have them pay for the real expensive stuff until I'm done with college.
Your boyfriend must understand that you are younger than him and still very much "just a girl" in your parents eyes. If you plan to spend a lifetime together, a few extra months of waiting for your parents permission to go away isn't going to kill you two.
For now, live by their rules and make the best of it. And also handle this situation maturely. Instead of getting worked up about their decsion (even though you feel it is unfair), tell them, "Okay, we won't go away. But I would like to spend some time with my boyfriend, I feel our time together is important. So, maybe sometime in the future you'll change your mind. But for now, I will accept your decision." I know it's hard, but again, it really isn't the end of the world. Hope everything works out.
Lil Siren -Scarleteen Advocate "What kind of paradise am I looking for? I've got everything I want, and still I want more...."- Ani