T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95707
posted 03-23-2013 01:48 PM
Hey again all!
This post is in reference to my two ex-friends whom I was recently afraid would continue to harass me or my friends/family. I'ts kind of a 'YAY!!', but it relates to an abusive relationship and hopefully..this may give others some hope too In hard evidence, they have taken no further action despite being fully able to. They know where my friends and girlfriend live, and also know my new address. Through our past contact, they know the numbers of the people closest to me (my mom, girlfriend, best friend, etc. Yet still, nothing! Which leads me to believe, well..maybe it was really all in my head (what do you think?). Now, about this forgiveness. It might be a long walk for a short drink of water but hear me out, because every detail here leads to the epiphany! I was playing a video game with my brother the other night, and I am admittedly a much better player than him so he always puts me on his team. Anyway, it came to a fork-in-the-road decision for my character, he wanted me to follow his lead but I felt my idea would work better. So, I went with my instinct and our entire team died- an honestly unavoidable outcome either way. Our team was on the back foot already and even if I did execute his idea, we wouldn't have won. Imagine you're losing a basketball game 25 - 97, and you have 5 seconds left to shoot. That one shot, scored or not, will bring you no where close to winning! Oddly enough though, he then immediately turned and yelled at me (sitting side-by-side). "Why the f*** didn't you do what I said?! We would've won that!" Now, just an FYI, my brother is a fairly hot-tempered person, whom my mom tells me confides in her that he is envious of me being the way I am. He often tells her life is unfair to him and he wishes things got worse for me. To that end, when the moments of truth come..though he talks a big game about loyalty, he would throw me under the bus. For example, when my girlfriend-to-be first visited and I was in the shower, he told her how pathetic a "loser" I was and sincerely told her to not go for a guy like me because I was ugly and fat. Now, back to the story! I wasn't going to sit there and be yelled at for no reason, so I raised my voice right back! "Look, what are you shouting at me for? It wouldn't have mattered and it would have been a stupidass thing to do!" He then gets right up in my face with his words, "Just f***ing admit you were wrong! Is that so difficult, for you to admit you were wrong?" I admit, at this point, I really lost my temper. And by that, I mean..I just get upset. When I lose my temper I really don't get very angry or harmful, I just get upset and kinda pout (Not like i'm too passive, but I just don't feel like making stupid bold actions i'd definitely regret later.) Anyway, I lost my temper at him because I've ALWAYS prided myself in being an understanding, honest and very humble person. He on the other hand, talks down to me, introduces himself as "The Chosen One" and the "Golden Boy" of my family (though we all disagree with these accolades), and is altogether a very egotistical person whom, if given the choice, never acknowledges the accomplishments of others who threaten his ego. So for him to say that about me?! I was just so dumbfounded. I got so upset. I turned away from him and told him to "f*** off" and play by himself if he's going to be that way. We ended up just letting it slide and continuing on but things were still tense, and have been for a few days now. Anyway..after we stopped playing, I thought back to my two friends, Brian & Terry, and how I felt about them. In that moment that I lost my temper with my brother, I remember the things I said, telling him sarcastically "yea you're always right, you lead us to victory 24/7". It struck me that..I was trying my best at the time, to be myself, yet when I lost my temper..I wasn't. It was so unlike me, yet there it was! Me, cursing, yelling, being mean. If someone had walked in on me right then..it would have been obvious I was a horrible person. But that helped me forgive them. Even though they were fiery and may have said some mean things, perhaps it was just because they were in that fit of anger. In that anger, that white moment, they lost their heads and said things they didn't mean to say. Sure they still had the intention just like I did, but at the time, they didn't know any better with how they were behaving.. So in a weird way, by getting all worked up that night, I got some closure on this I get it now, that everyone's always trying their best to handle a situation..and at the time, with how they were feeling, that was the best they could do. And just because they say bad things, doesn't necessarily always mean they're bad people- nor does it mean they're fantastic. It just means they had a moment of weakness, like everyone does at some point in their life. I'm not going to go run and hug em if I see them..but i'm open to the idea that it might just have been a lot of emotional intensity blurring the reality of what was going on in that time. Obviously we can't like, meet each other and revisit it now, it might get all out of whack again. But in my mind, I feel a lot calmer Just thought i'd share, I hope everyone else can find the closure they need with their damaged relationships too and may they always be taken seriously and with respect, like they do here.
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 03-23-2013 02:16 PM
I'm glad it's helped you get closure on some of your own problems.
I have a lot of time for forgiveness as an internal personal thing. Letting go of anger and not requiring yourself to put energy into hating someone can be very difficult but it can also be a really important step. I also have to add that although it's great that you've moved to a new place emotionally, I don't think it'd be fair to say that this insight applies to all abusive relationships. Abusers aren't always people who loose their temper, it can happen in a completely different way and also for some people anger becomes a really powerful part of who they are. I just wanted to be clear we're not generalising. But I am really happy for you, it's so great to hear! I hope things get better with your brother too, those scenarios sound very familiar to me. I would say it's good to be honest with him about how you've felt but even though he's been mean and said some egotistical stuff it doesn't mean he's not struggling in other ways. Maybe things that aren't gaming or aren't about winning or loosing could be a cool alternative way for you guys to hang out? You didn't ask for advice on that, but it's my two cents anyway. Thanks again for sharing.
Member # 95707
posted 03-23-2013 10:00 PM
You're welcome and thank you too
I'll try to find some common ground with him, like watching NBA, he seems to enjoy that and basketball's exciting to watch. Yeah naturally, there are abusers out there for whom there is really no explanation for their terrible behaviour.. There may be no changing them but I hope things get better for those harmed, My best wishes and thoughts to everyone :*