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Message: HTML is not enabled. UBB Code™ is enabled. UBB Code™ Images not permitted.	[QUOTE]Originally posted by Molias: [QB] I have a good friend named V that I've known for more than ten years. We actually were "enemies" for a while in college when I started dating her ex (without knowing that he'd been stringing her along so he could still sleep with her after breaking up with her, as recently as a day or two before he and I started dating), but after I broke up with him we reconnected and have been close friends for the past decade. 8 or 9 years ago, she moved across the country to live with her boyfriend. I visited twice, in '05 and '06, and my opinion of him was that he was ruder to waitstaff than I find acceptable but honestly I didn't interact with him much so I didn't think much of it. In past years, though, she's started getting in touch with me every once in a while upset at how he treats her. My understanding is that he is very emotionally abusive to her, insulting her a lot and withholding affection most of the time, and then will be sweet every once in a while (typical abuser pattern!). Any time she tries to ask him to get help he just says "NO you're the one who needs help" and because she does struggle with depression she feels like she can't argue with him. Late last year she did tell me she was thinking of making an exit plan, with the big obstacle being finances/housing. They have several dogs and cats together and she'd want to take most of them, but she is a vet tech and doesn't have a lot of money (he is a programmer and makes much more than she does). She doesn't think she'd be able to stay in Seattle even without pets and worries that she'd have to move in with her parents, who live in rural North Carolina where there are few job opportunities. So she feels really stuck financially (I think he holds this over her head as well). The last time we talked, she said "how did you break up with [mutual ex]? I can't imagine leaving anyone." I know she has problems seeing herself as worth much of anything (and she is SO FABULOUS y'all, it breaks my heart) and I think she feels like she doesn't deserve anything better. I am just at a loss what to do. I know it is not helpful to say HE IS TERRIBLE GET OUT GET OUT so even though that's what I want to do, I don't. I do point out that his behaviors are abusive and not ok. Tonight she got in touch with me again and she's away from her computer for the moment but when she gets back I think I have a sense of what I'm going to say to her: [list] []I love her and want to help however I can []It's not ok for anyone to treat someone the way her boyfriend treats her []She's welcome to stay with us for a while if she ever needs to (I realize the pets make this less likely, but it would still be all right) []Remind her that I work from home so can pretty much ALWAYS spare the time to chat with her online or on the phone []Tell her I'll start leaving my phone on/in the bedroom if she has a crisis at an odd hour []Let her know that if she ever needs me to I can come visit for a few days - I don't have to stay with her but it might help to have an ally close by for a while? [/list] I know about DV hotlines, but do they take non-physical abuse cases? I feel like I should be able to find these resources on my own but I'm kind of scrambling frantically right now. If anyone has thoughts on Seattle-area resources I'd love to hear them. Or any other ideas of what I can do to be helpful. I just... I'm crying thinking about my wonderful friend. I feel like this terrible person is crushing the life out of her. [/QB][/QUOTE]

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