T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 93204
posted 02-06-2013 05:23 PM
Just as I thought I was healing and getting better from what my father did to me, yesterday was horrific and I have never reacted like I did yesterday. A new roommate moved in and I haven't met this person yet and I was coming downstairs and he was coming around the corner to the stairs. 5-10 second pause I froze, we stared and then I said, "hi" and continued down the stairs. I got to the kitchen almost melting down. Panic swept over me like something shoved something in my chest. I ignored it. I felt uncomfortable and I only met this person for maybe 30 seconds and my sub conscious is telling me things, bad things. I started to feel crappy. It got to the point, I turned my light off, got into bed and hid under my covers crying. I laid there for an hour holding my bladder in fear. I couldn't control my emotions, the thoughts, imagines and fear of this new person will hurt me.
I am fine with my other male roommates, never felt this way around them at all. I got up and went to the washroom. I got scared again and hid under my covers again crying, light off, not moving. I can't ignore my sub conscious I have in the past and where did that get me? Had a roommate couple selling drugs in the house, people knocking on the door, they broke into my room, later got arrested. A roommate threatened me and if my door wasn't locked he would of hurt me, because he flipped out and I called the police. I've been in homes with roommates and things go smoothly and I don't get these fears to every single man I cross paths with. I was scared out of my mind and I texted M. He then told me to go to his house to his room to feel safe. I said okay. He got his roommate to call me and his roommate paid for a cab to get me when I was okay taking the bus. I waited for M till he got home and he asked me if everything is okay. I balled and lost my mind then. I spilled my guts, crying. (I've told him what my father did to me already so he knew) I'm still scared. Today it's been easier but I'm still scared. Yesterday he (father) wouldn't leave me alone, today he's still haunting me, but I'm able to function. I felt like a child, locking my door (I always do anyways) turned lights off and hid under my covers- I have never reacted like that before. I don't understand why I reacted like that. I was scared to leave my room after I got the courage to go to the washroom, when I left my room to wait for the cab. The slightest movement scared me as well. M fireplace the shadow scared me, and I thought someone was going to hurt me from a flipping shadow. I don't know what to believe anymore: my sub conscious being right or wrong or I am just over reacting.
Member # 90293
posted 02-06-2013 05:29 PM
i'm sorry to hear you were triggered so badly and are still feeling frightened. Healing is a tricky thing; it rarely takes a straight, continuous path. Are there specific things that are frightening you now, or is it a more general type of fear?
Member # 93204
posted 02-07-2013 10:57 AM
I've felt fear many times, this fear was just a lot. It got to bad, when I was getting ready to leave for the bus M's roommate calls me, from just my phone ringing, I freaked out. I shook and was low to the ground. I called a cab. Leaving my room was extremely painful. Putting my boots on scared me because one boot didn't go on fast.
I felt extremely scared, I cried, shook and wanted to disappear. The first time hiding under the covers and light off, I laid there, messaging a friend who was trying to help me as best as possible. I had set my cell on vibrate but that scared me, so it was on silent. The second time, I dashed into my bed after turning my light off and hid again. I felt, like I was in danger, like someone violated me. My father wouldn't leave me alone and I demanded and cried for him to leave me alone, over and over again. I'm still scared, but I'm doing my best to handle it. My father isn't haunting me to the point I can't handle it, he still is there. Sleeping this early afternoon and afternoon was difficult because someone kept slamming the front door and waking me and I woke in fear and basically jumping out of my skin. At one point I thought someone broke my door down. I can't even listen to music (with ear plugs) loud because I'm scared of my own surroundings in my own bedroom. I do have a therapy appointment in 2 hours, I need to bring what happened to me up with him with other stuff. Why does this happen? I did nothing to be tormented and haunted… it’s exhausting. Why doesn’t it stay in the past and not it feeling like it just happened? I don’t understand and it needs to leave me alone!
Member # 3
posted 02-07-2013 11:31 AM
Because you've got to heal, and it's a process.
I know that's kind of crap news, but it's the deal. issues in our pasts don't just go away, especially when our pasts include severe trauma like incest. You're right, *you* didn't do any of that to you. But someone did, and it's you who have to do the healing from it. That's not fair (kind of -- I think the healing process can offer us a lot when we really invest in it, it's not just a drag), but that's the deal. "It" isn't going to just leave you alone. You've got to heal, do things that are really conducive to your healing, and really work it. And that takes time, time every day, sometimes, and time over time: often years of effort with healing in mind.
Member # 93204
posted 02-07-2013 06:53 PM
Is it kinda like going to College, takes time to learn that area of interest- as in I need to take time to learn how to manage (heal) this?
I know it's not my fault, if I had my way and it's all I really wanted- him saying sorry and telling me this. But, that will never happen. My therapist gave me homework... he wants me to write a letter to my father and I need to bring it with me when I see him in 2 weeks. I've written a letter before (letter as in- just for my personal use, to express myself, not giving it to my father) about 2 years ago I had wrote one, I still have it. He's going to ask me to read it to him, I can just tell.
Member # 3
posted 02-07-2013 07:35 PM
I'd write a new one. My bet is your therapist wants you to go through the process of writing that letter now, not turn in something that's like an assignment the you of two years ago did. This is another one of those things that's about working on your own healing process, not just phoning it in, you know?
I'd not really think about healing like college. I'd think about more like, say, some people think about developing a spiritual practice, or going to church. It's not about doing a given bunch of things with a certain end or graduation. It's about the process of doing them, going through them, constantly growing and refining things so life gets easier and easier over time.
Member # 93204
posted 02-09-2013 06:34 PM
I used to attend Church on a regular basis until something happened that effected me, I no longer wanted to go. I really need to go back. I really need to get a gym membership or something, sorta on the lines of Spiritual Practice but for my mind and body.
I feel like I'm this balloon, this balloon is filled with air and water and both are getting bigger making this balloon harder and harder to deal with everything. Being triggered to the point I hid under my sheets with the lights off in fear of being hurt. Then, for the past month- lets just say work is getting more and more difficult. I have lost trust within work after my boss calling me out (huge massive issues going on) saying, I had to do with something with this, "inside job," when I didn't. I'm still scared. Lost trust. Has things gotten easier with the hauntings, sure. I'm fed up with everything to be honest, with my father lingering around me, to my job to just trying to try, I'm fed up. I haven't started writing the letter yet I see the therapist again on the 21st so I have time to write it. What is best to focus on in a letter like that, about my father and what he did?
Member # 3
posted 02-09-2013 07:15 PM
You know, I generally find that if and when a person hasn't been able to really get to working on their healing, or really dealing in a big, productive way with their trauma, that the feeling you're describing is usually the way someone gets as or while they're about to hit their limit and simply have to choose whether to basically explore or implode or work, big-time, on healing.
So, the point is, this could be a very good thing if you use it to jet you to a place where you make a really big commitment to taking care of yourself and your healing, as big of one, for instance, as you've done with time and energy and focus on M, for example. I can't tell you what to focus on with this letter, and I assume that if your therapist didn't tell you, that was because they wanted YOU to decide what to focus on.
Member # 93204
posted 02-13-2013 12:03 PM
Sorry for the delayed response.
I'm thinking of what to write in this letter, my plan is to type it up and then go to the library to print it. I haven't started it, because I just got my medical procedure done yesterday and I'm still not feeling the best from it. I need to start it soon because I will be extremely busy for the next 5 nights with work and going back to High School to get my grade 12 math, so I have a better chance for the College Programs I've applied to. In this letter will be written differently than my last one I had wrote, I haven't read that letter I written 2 years ago, in months. I may focus on my feelings and how he made me feel and how I'm reacting to it now and dealing with it as well. I haven't focused much on M as much, which is good. I think it's back wards now, he has been doing more and more for me and going out of his way to help me and make me feel good. He found a closer school for me for my grade 12 math, he has given me numbers to call when I never asked him to, he has given me tons of information and he did research to find these things, which I never asked him to. I have said this to him, "you seem different around me is everything okay." He basically told me nothing is out of the ordinary. I can't explain what is different about him, just he is different, the way he acts, talks, maybe I'm to focused on the fact I need to distance myself from him I am missing these qualities of him. Yesterday I refrained myself from sending my father a text (I was going to send a mass text to all my family members) about how my Medical Procedure had went, I never did. As much as I don't want to talk to them, I do think it's their right to know if I go under or whatever, they should at least know that I am okay after, that is my take. I believe recently I put their contact information on my health card, so it's in their system if anything happened to me. I understand he is my father and has a right to know if I am okay or not, if something had happened medically you know but at the same time, I force myself to do these things to tell them. Sometimes I just want peace that is all, there is peace somewhere, but it hasn't happened yet. If my father can change in the slightest bit maybe I will have more respect for him, at this point there is no respect for my father because he has disrespected me on so many levels (some of which I have not mentioned here) and he thinks it's funny or okay, and it's not. I'm glad I'm in a different area of Ontario then my family is.