T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 88305
posted 10-04-2012 11:33 AM
Is what my boyfriend did, rape?
So I have been seeing this really great guy for a year now. Everything is really awesome. He cares for me, he isn't controlling or jealous, he's patient, he tries his best in bed etc But the other day this really horrible thing came up, that I had tried to bury for a long time. In fact, he was the one to bring this up because he was feeling terribly guilty about it. And he says if we can't resolve or move on from this issue then there's no point in continuing to see each other. So about two months into our relationship, we both were really eager to consummate but we never had the time or the right place to go at it. And the few times we were able to try, it was unsuccessful because it was my first time and it was really painful for me. But this one day, we were at my friends house all alone in her room(she was away). And we tried to do it again, I really wanted to do it, yes. But when he was about half way in, it really hurt and I told him to stop, but instead of stopping he pushed it in and he stopped after he was inside me(he wasn't moving) and he was just asking me how I felt. I was in too much shock to even say anything and for whatever reason I didn't think what he did was wrong at first. But looking back that seemed so wrong. And I called him out on it and he apologized(He says he doesn't know why he chose to ignore me and he said it's also because he had never been with a technical virgin, so he thought he was almost there anyway. Yeah, it has been a year and he hasn't really done anything like that again(Umm, except this one time where he decided to come inside me without prior consent. But when he said "I'm coming" I told him to pull out and he did. But the fact that he decided to simply go for it without asking makes me feel uncomfortable).Other than that, in every other aspect of our relationship he's great. He's been very supportive and kind to me. And there are really no other signs of him being abusive or controlling. I really love him a lot too, but this thing keeps coming up and making me feel shitty. I can't be in a relationship with a guy who possibly raped me. I mean, if the same thing happened to my daughter I'd tell her to leave the guy asap. But I really don't want to do that. Everything else in the relationship is great. Except for the trust issue. Because of which he suggested we stay abstinent until I feel safe enough and trusting enough again. And he said, if/when we get to the point he'll do it like it was my first time ever. And he also says he's not going to try to justify what he did. He thinks it was horrible and unacceptable too. And says he's not the same person who did that and even when he did that his intention wasn't to hurt me. I'm just. Very confused.
Member # 3
posted 10-04-2012 11:38 AM
I can certainly understand feeling confused here.
But it also sounds like the two of you have talked a lot about this, and you've thought a lot about it. By all means, what happened was obviously nonconsensual: you know that, he knows that, and he's not evading responsibility for it. And you make clear what you'd tell someone else to do in this situation, but that that is not what you want to do. Given all of that, what do you think you need right now?
Member # 88305
posted 10-04-2012 11:48 AM
Well I need to know that he's a good guy. I mean, I really feel like he's a good guy and most importantly I look at him everyday and I KNOW that he genuinely tries his best to be a better person all the time.
But some part of me obviously feels kinda burned. And I also forgot to mention that I have a history of abuse. The abuser was my first boyfriend and he forced himself on me(it was non-penetrative though) he made me feel guilty, ashamed, manipulated me etc And otherwise fucked up my first sexual experience as well. That relationship lasted embarrassingly long. So those anger and hurt feelings are also heavily triggered by this situation. Even though my bf and my ex CANNOT be compared. The latter was clearly a textbook sociopath.
Member # 3
posted 10-04-2012 11:55 AM
Okay, so let's try this: do you think that continuing to be with this person in a sexual/romantic relationship -- whatever all of their excellent attributes otherwise may be -- is the best thing for you?
Also, do you feel like you're in the space yet where you can be able to really see the forest through the trees? How might you feel about taking a time-out from this relationship for a couple of months to perhaps be better able to work through your own feelings with it without him around?
Member # 88305
posted 10-04-2012 12:05 PM
Well I don't know if taking a break would really help much? We're not living together and in fact we live really far away from each other, we meet like once or twice a week tops. But I guess I won't know until I take a real break.
The thing is we took a break previously for different reasons(I'm also diagnosed with a mood disorder and he wasn't able to help me through my depressive phase through the phone. Which was very frustrating for me so we took a break so I could just be alone for a bit). But soon I started to really miss him and we got back together. I don't really have a very good support system besides him. I mean, few friends and very controlling parents. They don't help me much.
Member # 3
posted 10-04-2012 12:08 PM
Well, that last bit? That's something to work on no matter what. We really are always going to be very challenged in having a healthy relationship with someone if they are our sole support system. personally, I'd say it's impossible.
It's one thing to need people: of course we need the people we care about and who care for us. It's another thing to be dependent on someone for all of the things that really, a much larger group of people should be providing. In other words, sounds like no matter what, you need to fix that issue, and that until you make some progress there, it's going to be awfully hard to evaluate this relationship. Just like, say, it'd be awfully hard to figure out if the one food available to us was good for us if it were all we had to eat. Know what I mean?
Member # 88305
posted 10-04-2012 12:52 PM
Oh I definitely agree. The limited social interaction and support I have now is temporary(Like I said,it's because of my controlling parents).
I'll be moving out soon and hopefully I'll be more independent, so I think through this clearly. Omg, you're right, I'm far too dependent on him. But do you think it would be a huge mistake and that I'd be going against feminism/women/everything I believe in if I decided to stay with him after working these things out? I know you can't necessarily answer that question for me. But I just feel like if I still keep seeing him, that I'm somehow sending a message to everyone out there that it's okay to forgive someone who did things to your body without your consent. Yeah, I'm probably complicating this more than it has to be. But those are the things that run through my mind.
Member # 3
posted 10-04-2012 01:05 PM
I don't think that it's sound for us to try and make decisions about our interpersonal relationships based on monoliths-that-aren't.
Feminism, for example, is a very diverse thing. Is this against your OWN feminism? And if so, how do you feel about that? I think an approach like that is a lot more useful, real and constructive. Same goes with evaluating how this fits with your own beliefs. It sounds, very clearly, like you need some more time and space to try and think this all through, which is why I suggested that you consider stepping away from the relationship for a while so that you can get that. I hear you about having controlling parents. But obviously, you make time to see him: what if you used that time over the next few weeks or months, instead, to work on other relationships, like a friendship or two? Or heck, even with taking yourself out of the house to a space where you could be alone and think through more of this?