T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95266
posted 03-12-2012 11:25 PM
My boyfriend of two years was comforting me one day because I was crying about family issues. As I cried, he started to kiss me. It was completely dark in his room, and I was wearing a skirt. Because the room was so dark, I didn't notice that he had taken his pants off. He started to touch me below my skirt and I asked what he was doing, but then I felt a sharp pain and started freaking out, asking what was going on. We had sex for about two minutes, and I cried a lot, so he eventually stopped. We had talked about sex before, but I had said I wasn't ready because of various circumstances. However, after that day, he insisted that it was stupid that I refuse to have sex with him because I wasn't a virgin anymore anyways. I cried almost every time we had sex, and often told him that it was painful, but he usually kept going anyways. Within a month, I found out that he was cheating on me, and he broke up with me, but told all of our mutual friends that we had sex. He also told a lot of people that I am "bad in bed" which I get made fun of for. I sometimes get messages on the internet calling me a whore because I had sex with him, and there are very few people that I know anymore that don't know. I'm very ashamed, but it's too late to hide from anyone what happened.
It has been very difficult for me to deal with the fact that I have had sex when I wasn't ready, and it is even harder for me to deal with the judgement that I have faced. I guess one of my main questions is, if he didn't tie me down or physically force me to have sex, does that mean that I consented? [ 03-12-2012, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: MIA4007 ]
Member # 3
posted 03-13-2012 09:03 AM
MIA: I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you.
By all means, this very much sounds like it was a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship. No, if someone doesn't hold someone down or physically force them, that doesn't mean a person gave consent. Consent is a yes, not an absence of no. To boot, to a healthy person, someone crying, asking what is going on, etc. would be a pretty clear no. A healthy person also doesn't sneak up on someone or shame them into being sexual with them, and coercion like that also isn't consent.
Member # 95266
posted 03-14-2012 01:03 AM
Is there anything I can do at this point to shed the label of "whore"? It feels unfair that people are convinced that I'm a slut when I didn't want to have sex in the first place. I just think it's so backwards that my ex gets pats on the back about this, but people look down at me now.
Member # 3
posted 03-14-2012 09:30 AM
I agree that it's backwards. As well, people who do that and think that way are being backwards.
So, first of all, you can change your social circle, which you probably want to do as much as you can anyway, since hanging around people who are friends with someone who sexually abused and assaulted you probably isn't what you want. As well, anyone who has no problem with that kind of behavior isn't likely to be someone whose mind you can change, as this likely isn't personal. In other words, if they're thinking that way, that's likely how they think about these things in the big picture, and that's huge stuff no one person is likely to turn around. Otherwise, you can just hold your line as well as you can speaking up for yourself. I don't know how comfortable you are being honest about what happened, but however much, within your comfort zone, you can say, "Hey, this person raped me, people, this wasn't my choice at all," I'd suggest holding that line. Mind, seeing you that way or calling you that even if sex HAD been your choice still wouldn't be okay, but like I said, people thinking and acting this way are hardly Einsteins. Btw, if you're a reader, you might appreciate Leora Tenenbaum's "Slut" growing Up With a Bad Reputation." She does a really good job of investigating and explaining that words like slut and whore are warfare against women, and also usually applied to women like rape survivors, poor women, queer women, fat women: vulnerable women, in other words, who often either haven't had sex at all or haven't had consensual sex, etc. This is very, very common -- and like you said, very backwards -- and I think reading more about those dynamics might be a comfort to you right now.