T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 92830
posted 12-15-2011 05:53 PM
Okay, I need to get this off of my chest. Everything. I've kept it bottled up for almost two months now, and I can't take it anymore.
I've had this friend, we'll call him Jay, for about 7 years. We met in fifth grade, went through middle school and high school together, and we ended up running into each other at our college. We started hanging out more and more. One night, a couple of my friends and I had asked him to drive us to a Halloween party, but he cancelled. We went out to dinner and went back to my friend's dorm (which was also right next to mine). He said he could hang out now, so he came over and was complaining about how he got into a fight with his girlfriend, though they weren't dating at the time. I had a bunch of blankets to keep me warm as I relaxed in my neighbor's room. I then decided that I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Jay said it was getting late and he should get back to his dorm, too. He helped me carry my stuff back into my room next door. We chatted for a few minutes, just casually. At this point I was sitting on my bed. He sat next to me and kissed me. I didn't kiss him back. He didn't stop, and he began making out with me. I'm significantly weaker than he is - I tried pushing him off of me, but I don't think he even noticed. It wasn't long before he had me pinned underneath him. He wasn't being violent - I think he believed I wanted it. He managed to get my shirt and bra off, then my pants. By this point, he was no longer on me. I sat up and said that I didn't think this was a good idea - I have a boyfriend, and I don't like this. He simply said that it was okay, and he continued to touch me. He started to finger me and began giving me oral. The worst part of this was that, on the inside, I was hating every second. I'm not inexperienced, but this hurt. On the outside though, my body was loving it. I desperately wanted him to stop, but my body didn't. I was torn and betrayed and I even let out a few tears, though Jay didn't see those. After a point I finally got the courage to sit up and tell him that I didn't think this was a good idea at all. He kept trying to get me to give him a blowjob, but I kept saying it wasn't a good idea. He finally got frustrated and left. I don't know if this is rape or not. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. For a few weeks, I felt fine. I went about my life as normal. I accepted the incident and went on with my life. But the past few days, I've been thinking about it a lot and it's making me depressed. I've almost started self-harming, a habit I've managed to break for about six months now. I don't know what to do. I told my therapist, but she was as helpful as a pile of bricks. I also told my boyfriend, though I changed some details so he doesn't know who did it. What do I do from here? I have no idea where to begin.
Member # 26516
posted 12-15-2011 10:37 PM
I'm so sorry this happened to you Sigma. It sounds like what happened is rape: you did not consent, and he went ahead anyway. I hope you know that this is in no way your fault.
I'm also very sorry that your therapist was completely unhelpful. Is there anyone else you can see? Counselling is often a great way to process this if you have a good therapist. We can try to help you find some local resources if you'd like to see someone else. How can we best support and help you in this? Hang in there [ 12-15-2011, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: -Firefly- ]
Member # 92830
posted 12-15-2011 11:48 PM
I could go see my old therapist (if she's working again - she stopped because she was suffering from PTSD), but the therapist I'm seeing now is free. I could look into going back to my old therapist, though. I would really love that, I miss her.
I'm just not sure how to start recovering from this. =/
Member # 25425
posted 12-16-2011 03:04 AM
One place you could start in terms of counseling is your school: most schools have services for survivors of sexual assault. If your school does not have a specific service for that, they'll still have general counseling services. So, that's definitely something worth looking into.
Member # 92830
posted 12-16-2011 10:37 AM
They don't have anything specifically for sexual assault, and I'm already taking advantage of the general counseling, but the past few meetings with my therapist have left me feeling worse than I did when I went in.
Member # 26516
posted 12-17-2011 04:34 PM
I'm so sorry your therapist continues to be unhelpful. If you'd like, you could give us your postal code and we could see what other resources you have near you.
Member # 3
posted 12-18-2011 11:56 AM
Can you also fill us in on why you think the sessions with the therapist it sounded like you really valued in the past have been leaving you feeling so bad?