T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 65647
posted 05-22-2011 08:46 PM
Normally, I don't post in forums like this, but I really need help. I have looked on so many websites and done research to figure out exactly what to call what happened to me. I know a lot about sexual assault and the different kinds but I'm not sure whether I don't know what to call it or am having a hard time just saying it. I decided that it's time for me to actually write about what happened to me. I had looked all over this website and couldn't find someone else with this exact same problem.
My main question before I get into all of it is, is unwanted oral sex considered rape or just assault? I know it's different based on laws and states and everything but I still can't find an answer. My story: (to keep it as concise as possible...) I just finished my freshman year of college. The last night of the term, I went to a fraternity party. Nothing out of the ordinary, I was having a great night. Since it was the last night of the term, I decided to drink a little more than I usually do, but nothing too terrible, I still remember the entire night. Anyway, I was at a party dancing with someone and he started making out with me. Usually, I don't like when people make out with me on the dance floor especially because I didn't really know him. But for some reason that night I let him. He kept asking me if we could go upstairs. I kept saying no. Eventually he said "let's go upstairs, we can sit down and talk for a little while". Obviously, I knew those weren't his intentions but I didn't want him to keep asking so I went anyway. I got a little dizzy so I sat down on his couch. He started making out with me without a single word. He pulled me up on top of him and were making out. This was all okay with me- it's not my favorite thing to do but I didn't mind either. Then he kept trying to pull down my shirt (I was wearing a tank top) and I kept pulling his hands away. After a little while, he managed to get my shirt off and my bra unbuckled. He kept playing with my breasts for a while and I was getting really uncomfortable because I have never been even semi naked in front of a guy before. I think I felt like I SHOULD want to so I just let him. I wasn't doing anything else other than sitting there letting him, and I don't even know why I let him. Then it got worse and he unbuckled my pants and started fingering me. Same thing that happened with the breasts, I was uncomfortable and just let him. He started to hold me a lot tighter, keeping at least one hand on me at all times. What really bothered me was when he reached down and took out his penis. I have NEVER been that far before and in my mind I remember starting to panic a little. He took my hand and made me keep touching it. I wasn't sure how to say no. I wasn't afraid that he would hurt me if I said no, I think i might of been more afraid to hurt him for not wanting to..(people say I am too nice.. and I think I'm starting to agree). Then he put his hands on my head and pushed my head down and made me suck on it. After he pushed me, I continued for a short time then stopped because I didn't want to. Then he pushed me a few more times and I SAID that I didn't want to. He said "oh.. but you just did.. do it again". Then he pushed my head down a few more times. It was really uncomfortable and I just wanted to leave. After that, he kept asking me to sleep with him. I kept saying no and that I wasn't ready and I wasn't that type of girl. He asked a few more times and I just stood up and said that I was going home. He said okay and walked me to the door. He pulled me again and made me kiss him good night. That night, I was honestly not upset by this. It was the last night of the year so I put my mind elsewhere. It wasn't until a few days later when I got home that I realized what had happened. Is that normal? I remember being uncomfortable the whole night until I left but I wasn't upset by it at first. Since I wasn't upset that night, I felt like I was just making parts of it up. But I know that I'm not. Now, a few weeks later, I can't stop thinking about it, especially when alone and laying down to sleep at night. I haven't been able to say any of it out loud yet. What do I call this? I know that it is definitely in the sexual assault category.. I just want an opinion and I think I need to hear someone else say it so that I might start believing that it actually happened. I feel rather disasociated, which is a normal feeling since I've had depression for years now. Thank you so much and I'm sorry I wrote so much and that you had to read it all...
Member # 3
posted 05-23-2011 08:40 AM
He kept asking you to do something after you said no. You only even went upstairs with him because he'd worn you down with asking. He kept trying to take your shirt off: you didn't use words to say no, but you used clear actions; you kept pulling it back down. Again, you express feeling like you stopped trying to fight that because of pressures. It also sounds to me like by the time he got to your pants, you felt pretty worn down and unable to react the way you wanted to.
Then, with his penis, yet again, he didn't ask for your consent with anything, he moved your body for you, including doing that once you made clear in words and actions you did not want to do that anymore. And more after that, he asked for things, you declined, he kept right on asking and pressuring. I don't know if he knew you were drinking/drunk, but if he did, that makes his actions all the more problematic and nonconsensual. You're describing a clear case -- pretty textook, really -- of date/acquaintance rape here. In other words, someone you knew and agreed to spend some kind of time with sexually assaulted you. Just so you're aware, there's not the delineation between rape and "just assault." Rape and sexual assault and basically synonyms, it's just that sexual assault is the more common legal term. It's not like rape is more than assault, or assault less: both are terms which describe some form of sexual abuse/attack in which one person does sexual things to another without their consent and against their will. No need to be sorry for writing in depth, or for any of us having to read this. It's really good that you can write it out rather than keeping it inside. It's also not at all atypical to only get whacked with feelings around an assault a little later. That's not how it happens with everyone, but of the variety of ways people react to being assaulted, denial/diminishing is one of the common ways. I'm so sorry that you were attacked. Do you want to talk about what you can do to take care of yourself now, to start working on dealing and healing? We can also talk about reporting, if that's something you want to consider.
Member # 65647
posted 05-23-2011 11:12 AM
I know that I don't want to report. Since it was at a frat, I don't want any trouble for their hour or with any of the brothers. I already decided that. If he went any further I would consider it.
And yeah, some help with how to deal would be really nice. I've been having trouble sleeping at night lately because it keeps playing through my head late at night.
Member # 3
posted 05-23-2011 11:20 AM
There's no right or wrong around reporting, just what you want to do. But just so you know, your college likely accepts Title IX funding, which means they need to have an enforce very strict policies and supports around sexual assault and harassment. So, if you're not sure what your options are, you may want to look into them just to be sure you're making that choice with all the information, okay?
I take it you haven't yet sought out any kind of counseling or support groups? Do you want help finding what's available to you, both on and off campus?
Member # 65647
posted 05-23-2011 11:25 AM
How do I find that information for my school?
And I had talked to a counselor at school the morning before it happened actually but I haven't talked to anyone since. I plan to go to counseling in the fall when I'm back at school. I don't want to go to counseling this summer because I don't want my parents to be involved with this.
Member # 3
posted 05-23-2011 11:36 AM
Do you have a book of policies and resources for your college? Or does your college have a website?
You don't have to involve your parents to get support and/or counseling. That's up to you. Would you be interested in in-person counseling or support groups? If so, if you are okay with sharing your zip code with me, I'd be happy to help you look for what's nearby. (Just FYI, I have to head off to a work lunch shortly, so won't likely be back again until tomorrow.)
Member # 65647
posted 05-23-2011 11:38 AM
Okay, I guess it doesn't hurt to try to look at least. Should I PM you with my zip? And thank you so much for your help. Have a good lunch!
[ 05-23-2011, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: dancinfool ]
Member # 25425
posted 05-24-2011 06:22 AM
If you don't want to post your zip code here, you can send it to us via the "contact us" button.
Member # 65647
posted 05-24-2011 04:00 PM
I don't mind posting it here, I just wasn't sure if I was supposed to based on privacy and such. It's 02019. Thanks
Member # 3
posted 05-24-2011 04:47 PM
You're not very far (and it's a non-issue per their phone line) from what I think is none of the best, if not the best, rape/abuse victim support and advocacy groups in the country. That's the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, and they have a 24-hour hotline at: 800.841.8371
I really can't say enough about what stellar, amazing people they are and for how long they've done incredible work. So, my best advice is to go ahead and call their hotline, get connected with them, and see what they can connect you with. If you want to check out their website, they're at: http://www.barcc.org/ But if you also want to connect with someone very near to you, here's another good resource: http://www.rapecrisiscenter.org/