T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 38784
posted 11-29-2010 09:31 PM
Wow, it's been SO long since I was on this site. Sigh .. So it's been almost a full year since I finally cut ties with my abusive ex boyfriend. I've started a new chapter in my life, got to know myself a LOT better and 6 months ago met an unreal man who couldn't treat me better. Sounds great right? Well not so much.
I've been dwelling more and more lately on all the events that happened in the past with myself and my ex. I see him almost on a daily basis (we attend the same university) and it's almost painful when I see him glaring me down. We don't speak at ALL (for good reason) and I can honestly say I hate this person. I dated this guy for 3 years. The first 6 months were swell but then little things started to happen like snide comments or slight control tactics. The way he instilled all this in me was inch by inch and eventually, nearing the end of our relationship, it was a full blown abuse fest. What started out as light emotional abuse ended with him beating me nearly unconscious in his dorm room (then raping me), him storming into my home and beating me again, and him almost killing me in a car accident. The emotional abuse became out of control and he caused every person I loved to become as distanced as possible from my life. He made sure that he was my only confidant and that I had absolutely no self esteem or worth left when he finished with me (i.e. he told me I was fat every day when I weighed about 110lbs, he controlled what I ate, who I talked to, he forced me onto scales to weigh me almost daily, he controlled how I dressed, who I befriended ... basically anything in life you can think of, he had a say in if not total control). Anyway, without getting into a great amount more of detail, I'm going to cut to the chase. I have horrific self esteem issues now (I have since gained about 50lbs in the last year) and I can't stop mulling over everything I've gone through with him. I just play the reels over and over in my mind and blame myself for putting up with everything for so long. It makes me genuinely upset with myself and I want to know how to finally stop these actions. My current boyfriend knows everything that's happened in my past and he couldn't be more understand when I get upset over it. He even mentioned maybe I seek therapy for it and I have since started seeing a psychologist on campus. Other than this, I don't know what to do. It's getting in the way of my daily life, my sleep patterns and my relationships with friends. I need help in healing and I feel like since it's been a year that I'm a bad person for even thinking about all these things still. What can I do to just stop this once and for all so that I can block out my past and move forward?
Member # 50014
posted 11-29-2010 09:43 PM
I am only imagine the difficulties you may be going through and how hard it may seem to break yourself out of this thought pattern. It seems like you have already done the best thing: 1) Leaving that person/relationship and recongnizing that it was hurtful abusive 2) seeking professional help as often our 'regular' support network is not able to give us what we truly need. I am not a volunteer or staff in this site but still hope to provide some comments/thoughts anyways. As someone who also has found herself in this similar situations before and recovering from abusive/assualt situation, I can honestly say that I have found the following to helpful 1) Writing in a journal, writing letters to the person, putting those feelings and thoughts out have been very helpful. let your self have those feelings and put them out 2) understandingly that there is NOTHING wrong with the thoughts of past abuse that you are having, and allow your mind to have them, to grief over them. Someties I will cry even when doing hw or talking to someone on the phone about it 3) understanding that the abuse was not your fault and nothing you could haev done would have prevent it. it's not ok to beat yourself over it b.c if you could "see" it as a abuse, you wouldnt be staying in it anyways. sometimes it's part of our own personal growth to leave not before or after,but a time that was best for us to leave those abusive relationships. it's also very hard and we often 'lose' our prespective when we are in the middle of it. 4) sometimes doing tiny things to help us re-buitl our self can be very benefical.it's helpful to keep a close watch on time, to have a fully schuduel, to set high goals and strive to acheive them..all of thse things help us focus and get our life in prespective... anyways, my best wishes and prayers are you with you....
Member # 38784
posted 11-29-2010 09:52 PM
I really appreciate that, and I know how you feel. I do the exact same thing; cry when doing homework or little things just because I zone out and everything just builds upon itself. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode with emotion from the thoughts. I'm obviously sad still (and I hate admitting that). I'm angry, confused and extremely frustrated when I think about him and the past. I feel like it's unfair to my current boyfriend and friends to have to keep listening to me go over this all the time. I can't help it though. I would love to be able to. Also, I have been writing down some of the speels and speeches I'd like to give to him if ever I had the chance but I find even that has stopped helping.
Member # 50014
posted 11-29-2010 11:52 PM
I know how you and this whole situation may feel. Sometimes I wish that my mind had a switch button.
it is completely normal and healhty to feel sad, angry , confused and extremely frusratated. as much as we hate those emotiosn, they are signs that have indeed now grown "up" and into something else...than how we were months or years ago. Its ok to tell your mind to have those feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a distraction, to have a few sentences to ground our selves in when we feel zooing out, i'm doing great, i'm goign to get a X grade in this place, i'm going places, i have bright future, ...and also to indeed have a deeper appreciation for even small things of peace that we now experience. this may all seem very wishy-washy, but I now think that sometimes, happiness and state of mind is something that I can cultivate, even when I am allowing ourself to experience difficult effect of past abuse/relations, I dont want those thoughts to dominate my mind 24/7...life will become unbearable otherwise. People have spoken about the power of grounding mantra or when you see yourself zoing out, asking where I am at this moment? What is immediately in front of me? Looking forward to other's responses
Member # 50014
posted 11-29-2010 11:58 PM
This is what I found worked for me. However, in your case, it may be that you can work more closely with the therapist to see if you need to perhaps do other things. I have known people who have transfered to another college / uni for a semester or two, taken a semseter off, or etc.
Just offering some suggestions... [ 11-30-2010, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: ar1001 ]
Member # 50014
posted 12-04-2010 11:55 AM
How are you?