T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 36725
posted 02-06-2009 09:08 PM
Being an abuse survivor - whether the abuse was emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, long term, short term, one time, from a family member, friend, partner, acquaintence, or stranger - there are always memories that stick with us. So many times part of these memories are the words that our abuser uses to make us turn the blame toward ourselves.
It can take some time to be able to battle these words, and by that time we can't battle them with our abuser. Even if we could it wouldn't really be a safe thing to try. But battling them out loud can help so many others to find their own voice, and to realize it's not their fault. Fight back to those comments here. What are the word that stuck with you, and what would you say back to them? When I was raped, he told me that I was worthless and I deserved everything that happened. NO! I'm NOT worthless. I have people that care about me, and I am going to make a difference. I definately didn't deserve what you did, nobody does. My ex told me he hit me because I made him mad. NO! You hit me because YOU couldn't control your temper, and it had NOTHING to do with me. You should be blaming yourself, I didn't hit you when I was mad about something - you have no right to do that to anyone else. [ 02-06-2009, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]
Member # 33665
posted 02-07-2009 06:01 AM
Stephanie, great topic!
The one I can't forget, the one that seems to come up out of nowhere at night and flood my mind when I try to sleep: When he would rape me anally, my ex would tell me that he wouldn't do it anymore if I only liked it. He told me that while he did it, and afterwards when I was sick from it and spent the night in the bathroom. I know now, though, that no good partner would EVER do something that the other partner didn't enjoy or want to do, that they wouldn't even be ABLE to do it, much less enjoy it, if the other partner didn't. I pity him, because he's never going to experience any kind of intimacy, physical or emotional, with another person since he can't get past his own pleasure expectations and desires. The other things he said don't hurt as much as that did, but they still sting quite a bit. When I cried after he'd been yelling at me for half an hour or more over some stupid thing like me forgetting to call him or falling asleep during a movie, he'd tell me that I disgusted him with my crying. But I know it wasn't me that disgusted him, it was him. He was disgusted with himself, for all the things he'd done in his life, for everything he could never be that I was. I am better than him, I've done greater things than him, and I will continue to do great things because what he did to me did not ruin me. I'm not a "fallen" woman, I'm not a kicked puppy someone finds on the street and takes in to clean and feed and make their bitch. I'm greater than that, and I don't need to be rescued; I do my own rescuing. (Sorry for the corny, but that phrase, that idea, is one of the things that's gotten me through.)
Member # 42061
posted 02-07-2009 09:01 AM
I always remember when I let my cousin take my virginity when I was 12 when he promised he wouldn't pick and hit my little brother (my little brother is special)he begged his way through everything...I can't really remember much about that time..and I always feel so guilty and disgusted at myself..its a great thing that my boyfriend knows the deepest secret about me..feels good to be able to trust him =)
Member # 36725
posted 02-07-2009 01:20 PM
Conejitabonita: I'm so glad to hear you have such a supportive boyfriend now, but sorry that you had to go through that. What would you say to him, against what he did and against the feelings or words that stuck with you about this?
Member # 29292
posted 02-07-2009 08:06 PM
I know you want it, just say you want it, baby and he'd force me to say words like that that I didn't mean. He'd made me say I wanted more or that something felt good when it really didn't. No, I don't want it, don't you get it, are you blind, don't you realize that it's just you wanting to play pretending ? Consider yourself lucky that I want to have sex with you cause you're such a waste. I wonder why you're having sex with me then if I'm such a waste ? Don't you think you deserve better ? You know, no one is obligating you to have sex with me, you can stop doing so anytime you want and I'd be more than happy with it. Plus, you probably should look at yourself first before judging others. You're just a ******* prude. That's what he would tell me when I didn't want to have sex. I'm not a prude ! I just know what I want and do not want and if you were that good of a partner, you would respect that and wouldn't call me a prude. Not wanting to have sex with a non-caring and abusive guy like you does not make me a prude. Just continue crying, this turns me on even more. You're such a worthless bitch. Those are some of the things that have been said to me. When I think of those words, that just make me really disgusted and mad but I now realize that none of those words are true, which, it's sad to say, wasn't really something I was aware of at that time.
Member # 36415
posted 02-09-2009 03:01 AM
After I was assaulted I went to see him a week later. I needed answers.
When he opened the door he told me "You can come in, I'm not mad at you any more. I forgive you." Umm, WHAT? YOU forgive ME? I realise how ridiculous this is now, but it really confused me at the time and I started believing him that I'd made him hurt me. I wish I could have said "Forgive THIS!" and punched him in the face.
Member # 30345
posted 02-12-2009 09:38 PM
I remember a former partner/whatever telling me that I was "bulldozing" my own needs over those of others when I tried to assert healthy boundaries. Also that people found it difficult to like me (um, which people? The ones he was trying so hard to isolate me from?). This same guy went on and on about how his mother was a golddigger, and that women only say men rape them so they can sue to get rich. What a guy, hey? You don't want to know what he had to say about feminists.
This is a great topic. Coming out of a fairly sick relationship, I had to spend a lot of time questioning his words and beliefs that I had unwittingly internalized.
Member # 33665
posted 03-02-2009 09:52 PM
I was thinking about this today while reading an ongoing thread in another section of the board. My ex used to get very upset with me anytime I did something small, like not answering the phone when he called because I was busy or asleep, or if I fell asleep during a movie he liked, or if I chose to spend time with my family once in a while rather than with him and his friends (where I would anyway just be made fun of the whole time since I was the only girl there). During those times, during any fight we had, he'd say, "You're lucky that I put up with you. All the crap you put me through, no one else would put up with that." For the longest time I believed him, even after I left. It made me feel like no one would ever want me, so each time a guy flirted with me I'd feel like it was hopeless because I was no good, just a burden that no one would want to deal with. But tonight I realized something: He's the one that was lucky, REALLY f'ing lucky that I put up with him. I was just so brainwashed by him, and he was the one that didn't deserve to be in a relationship since he could never give anything positive to anyone, only take away everything good that person ever thought of themself. So to my ex, I am far more amazing and valuable than you'll ever know and I deserve every kind of love and happiness, the kind that you will likely never experience because you are so shallow, so self-centered yet self-loathing, so unable to ever give something to someone else other than your meaningless storebought gifts that you used to keep tabs on to tell me how much I owed you. You can't ever give someone something true, something from the heart. I can, and I do everyday to the people I know. [ 03-02-2009, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: orca ]
Member # 41699
posted 04-01-2009 09:51 PM
you just don't wanna work a little bit like everyone else. just leave, you already make me feel cold and unwanted It's YOU who doesn't want to work. It's YOU who's treating ME wrong, making me feel unwanted -- and then wanted! and then unwanted. It's always you making out that you're the victim, the one always doing the forgiving when it should have been ME with the option to forgive. And I wouldn't have done so. I AM allowed to talk to other people, that does not make me negligent. I am not the bad guy. I have never been the bad guy. You have. if you don't change your ways you'll never have anyone... seriously good luck with anyone else cause most guys, I'm just saying this, would say **** you and leave you because of the way you are Yes, you ARE just saying that. And I'm just not listening. Stop projecting yourself onto me. You are the one who needs to change, I am ten times more amazing than you could ever be. I AM loved, every day of my life just proves you wrong. you know as well as I do... at least you will later on, that you're not the only one being treated poorly I know more than ever that that's a bunch of bullshit. I know now more than ever that you treated me so wrong, you made me do things I didn't want to do, you made me tell you I loved you and I ended up convincing myself that I did to save my sanity. and see how I was acting? That's not me, that's me when I get really upset... That's still you. Sorry to break it to you. No, actually, not at all. For once in your goddamn life, take responsibility for your actions, for how you treat me. Be a ******* man and admit that you're an *******, a whiny, clingy, possessive, manipulative *******. Because that is YOU. And if you do not face it, that is what you will ALWAYS be. Thank you.
Member # 42338
posted 04-04-2009 11:42 AM
Not an abusive relationship as such.
But I'll always remember this boy, who I went for a walk with on a second "date" (being an English 15 year old living in the countryside, most "dates" consisted of so-called romantic walks in fields, which was highly dangerous in hindsight considering who I went out with), kissing me and trying to lie on top of me on a bench and move on to sex, saying: "You're so frigid, are you a lesbian? Just open your ******* legs." Then pushing me down and trying to not let me get up, until I managed to wriggle away. Sometimes I feel like I've got into situations where I've got so close to being raped so many ******* times, I'm extremely lucky.
Member # 42110
posted 05-10-2009 02:38 AM
I can't remember certain sentences, because he would verbally abuse me literally every two days, for hours, making me stand crying and listen to him. There were so many things he said. So here are a few of the daily ones.
Bitch. Whore. I hate you. Don't touch me. Stupid, selfish, spoiled little girl. You're an *******. **** you. Don't walk away from me. I can't deal with this shit. Bullshit. You don't know how to keep your mouth shut. I never want to see you again. I'm giving you your things and we're leaving. I'm breaking up with you. I'm smarter than you. I don't ******* care and I'm not seeing you today. You're weak. Can't you stop crying and be strong for once in your life?
Member # 50014
posted 11-20-2010 03:49 AM
He said that I had a small vagina and no/ small breasts that his penis wouldn't fit in anyways
If I did not have enough money to buy land or a own a house or have some assets, then I did not deserve to live.(followed by it's a joke) 3AM: I should leave tommorow morning because I don't appreciate what I have here: when I told him that I needed him to ask me about how I was doing, my day etc When I was crying he walked out of the room and came back to say told me that I should be GLAD that He has some feeling for me That i am not interested in being a doctor (my dream) but that I should stay at home, marry him and give him children That he would kidnap me and keep me captive Ask me to go make a drink for him Telling his friends' Someone decided to like me"
Member # 51156
posted 12-22-2010 12:18 PM
just this second i got called a bitch and i dont know what i've done?! he canceled on me for the 2nd time just to go to a hill and do snowboarding, i said cool and now he's calling me a bitch and saying go celebrate your aunts birthday (whos dead) i got better things to do. he loves me but doesnt realise what he says to me, he makes me cry and it feels like he doesnt care anymore..he's changed over the past year and ive put up with alot but id never be without him..i love him so much, what should i do other than ignore him til he calms down?
Member # 36725
posted 12-22-2010 05:39 PM
littleloudlivi, I'm sorry to hear you're being talked to/treated this way. Have you tried talking with him 1-1 about the changes you've noticed and how they're making you feel? Also, about respecting you and the things that are important to you?