T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 33993
posted 05-09-2008 11:01 PM
i posted in this specific forum ages ago. and you guys warned me. i read the damn checklist but did i realize what was happening? did i listen? NO.
i had been going out with my bf for a year before about a month ago when i ended it with him FOR GOOD. during the first few months he was great..so great. hot, funny, fun to be around, loved everything about me, i fell in love with him. gave him my virginity because i was convinced it was the right thing to do (i didnt think he was "the one" but i never expected to be in this position with him that i am..)and looking back it turned bad quickly, actually. near the end of the school year he was accusing me of sleeping around with some RANDOM kid i had met at a party that was in the same dorm as him. I didn't even know the kid but he was convinced I was cheating on him with the kid i ended up with a 1.7 gpa to top off the year because i spent all of my waking time and energy on my bf. i got kicked out of college and ended up back home at a community college and he followed suit. things just got worse and worse and worse...i dont feel like rehashing everything he did but he was an alcoholic and had anger problems and was severely verbally and emotionally abusive. you know how abusive guys ususally isolate the girl from her friends and family? yeah well he didnt have to do that, I did it for him because most all of my friends left and went away to college at summer's end and at that point i still detested my parents so i had no one left but him. I counted on him and invested all my time and emotion in HIM. He followed the abuser pattern of being nice then suddenly getting mad and exploding then saying sorry then playing nice guy then the whole thing started over again. This happened more times than I could count. Each time I would think this is it I'm done with him and then each time he would apologize and be soo sweet id come CRAWLING back thinking he was all i had... ive been called a slut, a bitch, and worthless more times than i can count. ive been embarrassed by him so many times, have hid things that hes done or said to me and defended him, pretended that everything was great, yet it wasnt. IT WASNT! Sometimes if I cried he would get so annoyed and tell me to shut up or call me more names. He humiliated me by little, stupid things. He made his friends and family think that I was the crazy one and not him. A few times he's bordered on getting physical. This whole time being with him and being home alone at this stupid community college I became obsessed with thinking I wasn't good looking or skinny enough-I dropped 15 pounds and I now eat around 800 calories a day. I even got my friend to get me generic adderall because its an appetite supressant. Well after trying to be friendly towards him after a month passed of us not talking (bad idea i know) we got in a big fight and he wouldnt let me leave his driveway, taking my keys away, calling me a bitch and a slut because during the time we were being "friendly" i slept with him because it felt normal idk i was so used to it and i felt comfortable around him i know it was stupid and trashy to do that. and he called my mom and told her about the drugs i had gotten (thank god she didnt believe him) im sorry this is long. but anyways im trying to recover right now but its soooo hard. i was in love with him! all i wanted was his love and attention and i told him that. i felt like i was dealing with an alcoholic father who refused to give love to me. he was loving and caring a lot of the time but the things he did while drunk or angry cancelled all of that out. i felt like i was never good enough. ive "come out of hiding" and told several of my friends how he was treating me and the things he did to me. They are horrified. But they and my parents have told me the whole time that I was stupid for being with him and that it would end bad. I feel stupid even asking for their sympathy or help. And I haven't told my parents or sister anything that has happened other than he called me names because I dont know how they would react i dont know its awkward and scary...I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. like everyone is pointing at me and laughing at how ugly and stupid I am and because I thought someone loved me and just got verbally abused instead. And i gave my body to him. I shouldnt have. Now im one of those stupid girls who gave it away to the first willing person. I know this is long I just have soooo much on my mind.... The embarrassment is killing me absolutely killing me. I tried to make him see the damage he has done to me but HE CANT SEE IT he thinks im overreacting and that I was abusive to HIM. I didnt do anything like he did to me!!! The worst part of this is not only the embarrassment but the fact that he cant understand what he's done is wrong and that its hurt me beyond belief and that its abusive behavior. All these girls posting in here always say "now im in a great relationship" well good for you!!! I wont be ever again. I can never trust guys now and I feel dirty taht I gave it up to someone so horrible. I just have so many emotions right now Ive been crying and frantic for the past few days god help me....
Member # 36725
posted 05-10-2008 02:45 AM
Pink: One of the most difficult things about dealing through having been with (or even being with at the time) an abusive partner really is the way in which they have of making the abused partner place the blame on him/herself. The questions and all of the what ifs that you’re feeling are all part of a very normal reaction to a horrible situation. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about because you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s difficult even knowing how an abusive partner treats you to get away. Many women have a tendency to go back and forth feeling as though the guy will change or that somehow it was their fault for making him mad and making him treat them that way. In the end the fact that rings true is that it’s not your fault. The way that he treated you was wrong – and as difficult as it was you did break up with him and take control back for your life.
Abusive partners are very good at showing only the face that they want seen. They’re usually very sweet and caring at first, showing you the best side of themselves to gain trust and commitment. This is why so many people enter relationships with partners that are abusive because if you knew head on what that person was truly like – you wouldn’t be likely to want to be in a relationship with them. And it’s not uncommon even when someone points out the signs of an abusive partner/relationship to have a lot of back and forth feelings. Part of how people process what’s happened to them is through a set of back-and-forth with both denying that it was true and accepting what was happening. And know that it’s never stupid that you ask your friends for help in dealing through what you’re feeling. Part of dealing through the after-effects and feelings of an abusive relationship is having people that you can lean on and talk to. I’m also sure that despite how you’re feeling, nobody is pointing and laughing at you for what happened. If you’d have known prior to beginning to date this guy that he would have treated you the way in which he did, you would have not chosen to date him. And once you did begin dating him you did the same thing that so many others would have done – you began to rationalize the relationship based on what you wanted and hoped it would be. Honestly, the way that you reacted is so common – and whether or not you knew that what he was doing was wrong, and whether or not you read the checklist and read advice from others, you reacted in the way that so many others do as well. I’m pretty sure if you were being asked by someone else that was in a similar situation you would never point and laugh or think that they were somehow less intelligent for being put into the position that they were by a partner. It’s not easy to walk away. You’re also not stupid or trashy for choosing to have sex with him. He didn’t show you the love that you were looking for in his actions outside of sex, and being comfortable with him and trusting him – as well as getting his full attention during sex all put together made this a decision that you were comfortable with at the time. That doesn’t at all make you stupid or mean that you were willing to “give it to anyone”. It also doesn’t mean that you made a decision that many others wouldn’t have made just the same. And while you may not be ready now to again trust someone and to enter a relationship, as time passes and you’re able to begin to deal through the memories and the feelings – you’ll start to better come to terms with what’s happened. Trust will slowly come back into play and while you’re likely to be cautious and always looking two ways at once about people and relationships you’ll find that it becomes easier. You’re not overreacting and he may never understand the way in which he made you feel. But know that you’re not the abusive one here, he was. What he did to you was wrong, and your reactions are normal. Have you thought about talking to a counselor about your feelings? As always, we’re here to help in any way that we can.
Member # 33993
posted 05-10-2008 09:02 PM
Ive thought about counseling or something but it seems stupid because my situation is nothing compared to what some other girls go through..i dont know.
its hard when not everyone in my life knows what im dealing with either. ive only told 3 of my closest friends what he did because theyve had similar experiences but other friends ive not told because its awkward and embarrassing. same with my family- i dont think i could ever tell my family. for instance if i told them that the scratches on my car window are not my fault but because my bf bashed it with a beer bottle they might get mad at me for not stopping him or try to contact him and make him pay for it. and they would think less of me for tolerating such treatment from someone. my dad told me flat out that i would end up with someone who hits me because i was so desperate to have a guy (my ex never hit me tho..and i wasnt desperate when i met him..). i dont think he meant to sound like an *** when he said that though i think he was trying to wake me up and realize that i needed to dump my bf..idk... its just so hard sometimes esp when he keeps contacting me, putting the blame on me, even though i know its not my fault i feel guilty. he texted me this morning and said "whyd you do this?" DO WHAT?! i didnt do anything to you!!! i feel worthless and ugly like he told me i was. it makes me sick to think i acted everything was fine, i hid things he did and acted like he was great. i was so embarrassed of him sometimes though he was an *** not just to me but in general sometimes too. and i recall quite a few times him yelling at me and degrading me in public while drunk. people would look at me like i was insane and pathetic and there id go chasing after my bf like he was gods gift to earth and i couldnt live without him...we got in fights around my school too which is why i feel like people are pointing and laughing at me because they saw it happen.
Member # 33665
posted 05-10-2008 09:55 PM
Pink, I went through a remarkably similar experience myself when I was fifteen and I had to have counseling for two years in order to get past it. Abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter "how bad" you have it compared to other girls, it can still be difficult to get past it on your own. And it's sounding like he caused a lot of insecurity in you, which is definitely something which counseling can help with.
If he continues to send you text messages like that, the simple thing to do would be to block his calls (if you are able to on your phone; if you can't, you can call your service provider to block his number) or to change your number. Acting like everything is fine in front of other people is a very normal reaction in those cases. You don't want people to know that something is wrong because society tells us that if something is wrong in a relationship, it must be because we did something wrong, but that's just not true. It was not your fault that he acted like that. He's an adult and in control of his own behavior, you can't take the blame for how he acted. And you know, I really can't imagine ANYONE who would point and laugh at someone for having been mistreated by their partner and staying with them, so you don't need to think about that. Whether or not you choose to tell your family is up to you, though I think you may find that they will support you. I truly thought my family woudln't support me since they didn't even know I'd been dating the guy when I was 15, but they were extremely supportive and helped me to get counseling. In fact, because of the counseling, I now have a much stronger relationship with my mother. I know it's hard to tell your family, especially when you want them to think so highly of you, but there is nothing wrong with telling them when you need their help and support. That's what families are for. [ 05-10-2008, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: orca ]
Member # 33993
posted 05-11-2008 12:50 PM
all i wanted was someone who loved me.....why couldnt he have just loved me? why did he do this to me when he told me how much he was in love with me all the time, and he sounded so serious about it....
the first "bf" i had when i was abt 13-14 had his little friend dump me and tell me said bf never wanted to speak to me again, over the phone, second bf was so great to me but broke my heart when i went to europe for 3 weeks and came back to find out hed already pretty much ended it without my say in the matter because he was leaving for college and 'didnt want us both to be more hurt than we had to be' or some **** like that...when i went off to college i was under the mindset that guys would still want to be with me after hooking up boy was i wrong...took me a few hookups to realize that. two of which i really liked the guy, one told me he would call and hang out with me more and never called, the other got a gf like a few weeks later. when i finally met my ex i fell head over heels and purposely didnt hook up with him the first night we met. he was everything i wanted. i cant believe he turned out like this....i never want to trust guys again theyve never ever treated me well. part of why i was so attached to my ex...i think....is because he felt like a father figure somewhat and growing up i remembered being scared of my dad for no reason at all, but i was never really close to him or talked to him about stuff and hes not an affectionate person at all. it seems dumb but i think i relied on my ex to take his place kind of. i even told him when we broke up "all i wanted was your love and approval" (sounds like something youd say to a parent..) its weird i know but all i wanted was someone to run to and comfort me when i was crying and show me things and tell me he loved me and what did i get...someone who treated me like trash and spit on me like i was trash with his words. i was such a pathetic person being with him just fighting every day for him to look at me like he was proud or happy and in love. and that day never came...it was just me doing things wrong from one day to the next
Member # 33993
posted 05-12-2008 11:44 PM
someone just please respond i cant do this alone....
Member # 25983
posted 05-13-2008 12:13 AM
I'm not sure what you want us to say, Pink. We have your back, lots of us have been through the same, but we cannot replace professional counseling. You said previously that you didn't want to consider it because of "other people having worse problems", but not only is that a moot point since you're often paying for therapy -- are you not entitled to purchase food, or seek medical treatment for physical ills because other people are "worse off", for instance? -- or are entitled to it as a student, you're also pulling up issues from your childhood affecting the relationship choices you're making, which certainly could use professional help in processing.
Are you still in school? Can you see about making an appointment with someone? Even if your school doesn't provide therapy services, most regular guidance counselors are beyond happy to refer you to resources in your community. We're unfortunately limited here to helping people help themselves; unless some initiative is taken on your part to really pull through and get what you need to get through this, what we can do here is extremely limited. [ 05-13-2008, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]