T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 20663
posted 11-05-2004 12:46 PM
Ive been going out with my bf for over 2 years and i made a big mess... i sorta selpt with an ex a week ago and i dont know if i should confess. I really luv my boyfriend and i wish i could erase things but i cant. If i tell him i know its over, and if i dont tell him its not fair to him and its killing me inside. What do u think i should do? and i cant lose him, i want to spend the rest of my life with him!! i really wish i hadnt done that, do u think its possible to go on forever pretending it didnt happen? please help! thanks
Member # 20305
posted 11-05-2004 01:01 PM
I don't think it's possible to just go on pretending it never happened. You will always feel that guilt and it will start to affect your relationship. And what if he found out? If you tell him yourself it would be a little better...
Part of a good relationship is trust. I think you should tell your boyfriend. True, he will be extremely hurt, but maybe he'll find it in his heart to forgive you. Best wishes.
Member # 20226
posted 11-05-2004 08:20 PM
You definitely need to tell him. It's the only right thing to do. There's no question about it. It shouldn't even be something to think about, you know you need to tell him so just do it. Yeah, he may leave you, but what goes around comes around, not to be harsh, but if he leaves you, you deserve it.
"Do unto others as you want others to do unto you"
Anybody recognize that from anywhere? Well it's said for a reason so do it.
[This message has been edited by powerfulone1987 (edited 11-05-2004).]
Member # 20046
posted 11-06-2004 11:17 PM
Powerfulone, at this forum we don't put anyone down despite their circumstances!
Darling, you don't "deserve it" no matter what you've done, everyone makes mistakes, and I can tell you deeply regret it.
How would you feel if he did that? You'd want him to tell you wouldn't you? I understand how worried you are. If I had done something like that, and deeply regretted it, I would wish I could just forget it never happened but unfortunately you can't. There will be a lot of heartbreak, but you'll come out the other side knowing you did the right thing and that is always better than bottling it up inside!
Tell him really calmly and express you deep remorse as much as possible. Tell him that you still love him and that you understand if he is totally angry at you. If he sees how hurt you are by the situation as well, he may take some pity. Good luck!
[This message has been edited by smilee_kylie (edited 11-06-2004).]
Member # 20663
posted 11-08-2004 11:21 AM
Thanks for all your help and not being to harsh on me because everyone does make mistakes and they learn from them, and i must say that i have. I want to tell him...but i have another problem that i need to clear up first. That is i think im pregnant and it could be either my boyfriends or my ex's...if i am, i really hope its my bf's, but b4 i say anything i want to take a test first. Its a big mess and im really worried that im pregnant and i dont know who the father would be. With my ex the condom broke and me and my bf had unprotected sex. My period is atleast a month late and my body just feels like i am. If i find out that im pregnant how can i break it to him that i cheated and it might not be his? I dunno, i think i need to go and find out first and if i am i really dont know what to do, and it will change the whole outcome of this situation....and when can you find out who is the father? do you need to have the baby first? Ive also thought of abortion just to hide it, and i always said that abortion is really bad and i wouldnt do it...but in my mind it feels like its the only way to keep my bf. Any comments would be greatly appreciated!!
Member # 3
posted 11-08-2004 11:28 AM
1. If you are pregnant and making reproductive choices, the LAST thing you shouldn be concernedwith is what choice will allow you to "keep" a partner. Any choice you make is primarily or solely YOURS to live with your whole life, and should be about YOU and a potential child, not someone breaking up with you.
Moreover, if your way to keep a relationship is to lie or hide vital things from your partner -- like that you had another partner -- not only are you being INSANELY unfair to your boyfriend in making his choices for him, you're setting yourself up to "keep" an unhealthy relationship for both of you.
2. Not telling your boyfriend means you're now putting him at extra STI risks since you've had another partner -- even if you twowise up and start having safer sex. Again, making the deocsion FOR him to take those risks is not the way a partner who treats their other partner as an equal behaves. He's not property or a pet, he's a person. Treat him like one. Per how to tel him, finesse isn't likely to make a big difference here, so a simple, "I need to tell you something very difficult: I had sex with my ex," is a fine opening.
3. You need to take a pregnancy test NOW. if you do decide to abort, your window to do so is getting smaller and smaller very quicky. if you decide to take a pregnacy to term, you need tog get started on important pre-natal care and lifestyle changes NOW for the health of that child and your health.
Member # 20663
posted 11-08-2004 03:14 PM
I went out today and got 2 pregnancy test and i did 1. And i got a positive. I might take the next one to be absolutly sure and then visit my doc. Ut oh now i have two things to explain to my bf. How soon can u tell who the father is? and should i stop taking celexa? ty
Member # 3
posted 11-08-2004 05:20 PM
You should go see your gynecologist or sexual health clinic right away. False positives this late in the game are pretty unlikely.
Per the Celexa, wait until you talk to the doctor who prescribed it for you, and until you know what you're going to do. Since Celexa is relatively new, I understand the jury is still out on safety to take it during pregnancy.
In terms of paternity tests, if you do intend to carry the pregnancy to term, that can be done (though not cheaply) at around 14 weeks, to my knowledge.
Member # 20663
posted 11-10-2004 06:36 AM
Well its been a while and i still havent been able to tell my b/f. Ive thought of several different ways of telling him and writing some note down to explain myself. But i cant do it! i figured out the bigest reason why i cant tell him...And that is im fearfull (for my life fearfull), i am truly VERY VERY SCARED! First...
1. Im scared that if i tell him he might hurt me. He's a very strong guy and we've had fights b4 that have escalated to be a lil physical.
2. We live in my mom's basement and i worry that not only could he hurt me, but i worry about my mom and the house. He could break something or even hurt my mom or the animals. i have no idea what he's capable of doing.
3. He doesnt hang around the best of ppl and he could send ppl after me, or to do something to the house (like set a fire).
I really am to scared to tell him, and that if i did i could live in fear as long as i live hear.
I suffer from PTSD, Depression, Panic/anxiety...and this is just making it worse. I cry all the time and i can only sleep for about 3 hours. Ive had the worst panic attacks thinking about it..and i almost to myself to ER. Anyway, i really dont know what to do, i feel like just pushing him away, so then he breaks up w/ me, and the problem could just go away. I do want to keep him, but its not worth it to me the risk of telling him, i know he wont be understanding and i worry what he would do!
I really taught myself a lesson by cheating... DONT DO IT! its had to explain why i did it...and well, I guess my mind was still very infactuated with my ex, and it bugged me so much that i went out and fullfilled a fantacy.
Member # 3
posted 11-10-2004 08:32 AM
If your partner has been physically abusive, or you have valid fear he could be,
you should not be going nuts trying to stay with this partner. Rather, Period. End of story. you should be doing everything in your partner to GET AWAY from this partner.
This isn't about being pregnant, this isn't about not telling him so he won't hurt you. It is about NOT being with an abusive partner, even if this situation did NOT exist.
This is not about your cheating and lying either, because NOTHING justifies hurting a partner. Nada. Ever. And you've stated that he has already done this in the past, before this scenario existed.
Time to reach out for support. I'd suggest sitting down with one of your parents and letting them know both that you are pregnant -- and the whole story with that -- and that you are in a relationship which has ALREADY been abusive and which you fear could become more so, and that YOU NEED HELP AND SUPPORT dealing and getting AWAY from this.
If you parents are NOT supportinve or able to help you deal with this, then it's time to call a hotline or see a local women's advocacy group.
[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 11-10-2004).]
Member # 3
posted 11-10-2004 08:35 AM
...and for the record?
You don't even want to CONSIDER parenting with someone you know to be abusive and with whom you suspect the abuse will escalate.
Setting a child up for that knowingly is a pretty crappy thing to do, and if one is pregnant and wants to carry a pregnancy to term and have a child there really are ALWAYS other resources and means of support so that NO ONE is cornered into a situation where they are knowingly bringing a child into a relationship where mother and child may or will be abused.
Member # 20663
posted 11-10-2004 09:31 AM
Thanks...i never thought about talking to my parents or even my doctor. im not a very open person, but i will try to see what i can do and to keep my self and a potential child out of harms way.
ty so much!
Member # 20663
posted 11-10-2004 09:37 AM
oh and 1 more thing. Im only going to talk to my mom or my phychiatrist. B/c my dad is just as bad, he abused me and my brother when we were little. and i think i tend to go for the bad guys b/c thats what im so use to.
I heard that u always go for someone who resembles your parents (daughter looks for someone like thier Dad, And Son looks for someone like thier Mother)