T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28826
posted 05-19-2006 10:16 AM
Before you read this please realise that the only reason why I have put this on here is to show my abuser that i am not weak and I can fight back... there is also another reason ... to plead for other victims to step forward ... scary I know ... but it is not right for anyone to hurt u in any manner you find wrong and you are not alone ... I am not attention seeking, if i did'nt think it is important I would not tell it ... I changed the names so that people around me can keep their anonamity... here goes...
I was born in 1989 to a happy loving family, mom and dad was always there ... so I never came from a 'broken family'. Life was always happy and fun as I remember it till I became 8 years old. 8 years old in 'his eyes' of age. Every weekend mom would take me, Karen(sister, then 6... ) and Darren(brother, then 17) to see him without fail and we would be left with him , afterall he was my grandad... how could he not be trusted? mom saw no reason not to. so, sure enough, we were left there for him to baby sit us. About 15 minutes after mom leaving us alone we were allowed to play outside in the garden as it was summer at the time. I was told I had done something wrong yet to this day I still dont know what I did. In any case I was sent indoors and was told to sit on the sofa. Alone. He sat next to me. He told me that I had to 'put my hand' somewhere. Of course somewhere was inside his trousers. I guess even now I know I tried unconciously to block it out. but was I too young to realise what was happening? Afterwards he told me that my punishment was over and this was a 'secret' I should not tell mommy otherwise she would be mad at what I had done to him and that I would put shame on my family. Numb to what had happened I was allowed to go back into the garden and play with my brother and sister. Nevertheless mom collected us and 'HE' was playing it cool and nevertheless I did not tell my mom... and it some ways I blame myself for not telling someone. Although I do not know the exact period of time I believe it was about 4-5 months passed after my first 'experiance' I was babysat by him again... with my sister, and again we were in the livingroom and I was told I had been a very bad girl and I had to go into the Kitchen and await my punishment. I was made to perform oral sex on him, masturbate him and he touched me underneath my knickers. I began to put up a barrier to it, I became numb to the surroundings and I let him do it and then was told again mommy was not to know, if I did tell mommy she'd be angry and that he'd hurt me if I did. This continued on and off for about a year I was 9 then untill I screamed out and he covered my mouth. I was told that I had done terrible things and he pulled my clothes off me and I don't know how because I was wriggling and he must have put considerable weight on me. He pushed me against the kitchen cabinets and raped me. I wonder still why mom never noticed the abuse as I sustained bruises all over my body because of how violent he was. Again when mom picked me up he told me he'd kill me if i told mommy. Scared to death I told no-one, keeping up the happy go lucky child I was on the outside ... yet inside I suffered. Throughout the next 2 years this occurred quite regularly, I was raped to the best of my knowledge 14 times until at 11 I begged mom not to take me anymore and after begging constantly she finally believed me... freedom at last?! Now I am 18 and I have only just told mom about the experiences ... It stayed in my own mind ... and figment of my memories... something I hoped would go away. Until recently my Flashback have been coming back regularly and I still don't know how to deal with it. But one thing I knew is I had to tell the Police. So two days before my 16th birthday we reported it, only to find there are other members in my family he abused but not as bad as me. Learning to live. I often get suicidal thoughts and have tried to kill myself a few times. What happened to him? Well I am still going through the courts for justice and he has been charged for four counts... so I have to goto court and give evidence... I am scared stiff. all my love, <3 keekee x ... they say peodophilia is an illness... I cant help fix my grandad - so is it really an illness? All i know is this ... i have got to move on with my own life and at least I can sit here and type knowing that at the very least - justice or no justice - i tried ... and i have one amazing family unit who is always there for me through thick and thin and even if he was my grandad - i live without him ... and function fine ... BUT one lesson i learnt is never to trust ur family entirely... cos even if they are family they can do terrible things [ 05-19-2006, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: keekee ]
Member # 27276
posted 05-19-2006 03:31 PM
Sadly, sexual (and other abuse) by family members is not uncommon. It just makes me sick how those people manipulate and take advantage of children, and what can the children do? Of course they'll listen listen to and obey that family member because they're the ones that are supposed to be PROTECTING and nurturing the children, and they just take advantage of that to acheive their own sick pleasure. I don't know if pedophelia is an illness. . I don't know that much about it at all. I would like to, though, to be able to understand it. I don't know if there are any studies done on it or anything to give an answer why, but I think if we start learning more about it we might figure out how to solve this problem.
In any case, BIG big hugs to you, Keekee, and I'm glad you were able to report him. I hope the whole court situation is not too hard for you, that it goes well, and that he gets the punishment he deserves. In the meantime, are you getting counseling for your trauma? I'm not one of the administrators here, so I don't have links to resources, but I do know that all rape and abuse victims need some form of counseling to help them process and heal from what happened to them. Best of luck!
Member # 3
posted 05-19-2006 04:18 PM
Pedophilia -- and this may sound obvious or trite -- is a philia. In other words, it is a sexual desire, one which is defined by sexual arousal of pre-pubescents. Like any sexual desire, it is not an action unless the person with the desire makes it one.
Some pedophiles abuse/assault children, but most people who sexually abuse and assault children are NOT pedophiles. (A lot of pedophiles are essentially disgusted/turned off by the idea of adult sexual activity, which is usually part of why they are attracted to children. Suffice it to say, it's a complicated matter, and one which is laregly academic, but it's not technically considered an illness.) I don't know whether or not your grandfather is a pedophile: from what you're saying, it's actually not likely. But he is a rapist, and he is an abuser. That much is both clear and obvious. Very few people sexually abused as children report: it's incredibly brave that you did, and I do hope you give yourself props for that. As you've already discovered, it can make a big difference in both protecting others, and helping others who have been abused to come to terms with their abuse. Do you have someone appointed to you by the courts to be your advocate/support? If not, do ask about that. It can make the process a lot less scary.
Member # 28826
posted 05-19-2006 05:07 PM
I have been given someone to show me around the court by Nspcc, i cant get councelling until the court case is over and it effects me ... I get so upset i cry myself to sleep becuase i cant talk to anyone... and if i get councelling now the courts can and will say that im being fed information by the councellors etc ... which is stupid. while the courts are trying to say im a lier my mental health gets worse because im dealing with it all alone... i tried to get councelling because i need to stop self-harming myself for my b/f and my family , not to menshun me.
Its still wrong
Member # 3
posted 05-19-2006 05:24 PM
To my understanding, it is a violation of your legal and human rights to deny you counseling.
Yes, the courts may SAY that, but it's your lawyer's job to defend your right to have the therapy you need, and also to make clear that your therapy is NOT influencing you. So, you may want to talk to both protective services and your lawyer about that.
Member # 28826
posted 05-21-2006 09:37 AM
I understand Mizz scarlet. I will have to go and ask the police officer, of whom is dealing with my case. Problem was that If mam knew that i was talking to a stranger rather then talking to her she'd be extremely hurt. However my mam is at work all the time and from a young age we had to learn how to cater for ourselves. So now I cook, clean and do everything. I realise that mams jsut bust but she has no time for me and my brother and sister. I am a daddys girl, always have been but i cant talk to him about me thoughts, feelings and girl stuff.
So its pretty difficult. love keeke xxxxe
Member # 3
posted 05-21-2006 07:51 PM
You're a minor, so I'm not sure how your mother wouldn't know about the entirety of your case and who you're talking to, as she'd need to be notified about most of it.
As well, it's your lawyer you'd talk to about this, not the police, if it's your lawyer/advocate telling you you cannot have any counseling. (I am out of town, for the record, so not checking the boards more than once a day.)
Member # 28826
posted 05-21-2006 08:59 PM
In the UK if your 16 your are old enough to leave school and live alone ... therefore not a minor. a minor is considered under 16, I am 17 in two months. And over 16 you have the right for your mum not to be told if u so wish.
love keekee xx
Member # 8067
posted 05-22-2006 04:38 AM
I know the UK system is very different from the US, so you won't necessarily have a lawyer of your own or the right to confer with the prosecution lawyer.
Can you talk to your supporter from the NSPCC? Do you have a social worker? I'm afraid that in the UK, this is a recurrent problem -young abuse survivors do often get denied therapy until the case is over, to prevent the defence saying that the therapist "led" them.
Member # 28826
posted 05-22-2006 02:00 PM
I dont see the lady from NSPCC till the day before court in which they show me around and prepare me for what will happen in court. Really the only people I can talk to about it is the police. It is very upsetting that I cant get the help i really want because of the judicial system atm in the UK. It truely is terrible *** edited part:* I phoned up the local centre called connexions for people aged 16-21 and I found a support group for me ... but it is 30miles by car and 3 hours away by train . So I dont know whether to trek the 3 hours or stay and use the support here more? love keekee xxx [ 05-24-2006, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: keekee ]
Member # 28826
posted 05-24-2006 02:50 PM
And has anyone here been to a support group in the UK or anywhere else in the world? What is it like? Do they judge you? Will i be blamed for what happened to me ?
Member # 26390
posted 05-24-2006 09:20 PM
First of all, I want to say that I wish I could hug you!! Having been abused by a family member myself, I couldn't even bring myself to read this post in one go. I'm almost crying. Like me, you were abused several times by the same close family member, and I understand your pain... I find it interesting that you want to clear up that you're not attention seaking. This is typical with me. I'm scared to death that someone will tell me that I'm being a drama queen. There are so many behaviour patterns that repeat themselves... with this one in particular, don't worry. No one here is going to tell you you're attention seeking. Someone looking for support to get over something this traumatic is
not an attention seeker. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a biggot or knows nothing about this kind of situation and shouldn't dare speak to you about it. Slap them for me if they do I haven't been to a support group, only therapy. But honestly, if ANYONE tells you that you're to blame for your grandfather being a sicko, that person has their brain either up in the clouds or it's none existant. Please don't blame yourself . I understand how you feel though...sometimes I feel like harming myself for what happened, even though I know I didn't cause it. But we have to think that this won't take us anywhere. Do you actually feel better when you harm yourself? I know I felt ok for the time being, but then I ended up feeling worse. Often I tell my boyfriend "one more time, please, just once" and he answers "you know it won't just be once; and he's not worth you doing that to yourself". He's right. It's terrible that you can't get therapy just yet, but for now, what I suggest is that you use these boards more, and you tell someone else. Perhaps you can talk to the other family members that were abused by him? It helps to talk about it. If you hold it in, and at least this is my experience, you'll just get more flashbacks. As for your mother resenting you not talking to her? When she gets back home from work, I think it would be worth while to sit down with her and tell her "mum, I love you and I would love to talk to you, but I think that I could also gain a lot from professional help". She sounds like a very understanding mother; she's bound to support you. You having a therapist doesn't mean that you can't talk to her about it. In my experience, it was difficult with my mother because I told her about this when I was 13, and she said to never bring it up again. She even told my school psychologist, who I had told the problem to, that it really hadn't happened. You can imagine the resentment I had towards her. My mother was my dad's co-dependant, and she often covered up for his actions. She had, and still has but to a lesser extent, a weak personality. In adition, she loved my dad, and to think of him doing that to me was unthinkable. Your mother might not have wanted to see the reality for the same reason. This is in no way an excuse; I'm just trying to shed some light on it. Talk to her about it, ask her if she ever suspected anything, let it all out before it builds up and you end up resenting her, because it's the last thing you need on your plate right now. It is so sad to see that you're my age, that we were both abused by people who were supposed to help us grow, and as Gwaihir said, we were afraid to contradict because we're told all our lives that we must respect our family, especially the older members of it. I have a friend who had a similar case with her grandfather, and she spoke up because she has a little sister who she wants to protect. When she did, she realized he had done the same to a cousin and an aunt. Now, we have learnt the same lesson; people gain your trust and respect. No one should have it automatically. We differ in one great aspect; you are VERY brave, and are doing something about it to see that justice is served. Me? I've kept quiet, at least when it comes to facing him about it. I think, well, I'm an only child, I don't have anyone to protect. Though it continued non-physically until... well, I suppose it really hasn't stopped, if you want to consider how my dad stares at me when I see him. But at least the physical part stopped when I was 14 or so. I suppose I think that it wouldn't make much sense to upset absolutely everyone about it, especially because at the time it was happening most seriously, my dad was under the influence of 3 drugs, and most likely won't remember doing it. Plus, in this country, the legal system is both corrupt and tedious. It could take up to 5 years to get the case over with. I suppose, in that sense, I'm weak and just figure I don't want to cause anyone anymore grief. You are so much stronger than me, and don't ever forget to admire yourself because of that. [ 05-24-2006, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: Nailo ]
Member # 28826
posted 05-25-2006 07:51 PM
Heya sweety (nailo), First I would like to say how much I admire you for telling me your story, although I think it is a crying shame that your mother did'nt believe her daughter enough to help you get the help you needed. I think you are so strong to watch him still living around you and you having the strength to say you know it happened to me and i wont let it rule my life. quote: We differ in one great aspect; you are VERY brave, and are doing something about it to see that justice is served. Me? I've kept quiet, at least when it comes to facing him about it. I think, well, I'm an only child, You know hunny we are no different YOU are immensly brave!!! BUt i have to pick this up... you said you are a child ... guess what children have rights and power same as adults do. We are just taught not to stand up for those rights. To lay down and ' respect ' our leader, parents and guardians. Looking back I could not live around my grandfather ... but you can live around your abuser and keep it quite. But let me tell you something hunny and this is what my best friend told me quote: Abusers only thrive and live to absue if the silence is kept and i firmly believe that. Dont get me wrong you have your reasons .. but is'nt he still emotionally abusing you?? Why do you let him hun? Sitting her I think you are one amazing young lady who gave me strength when I read your post and for that I am truely thankfull. quote: Do you actually feel better when you harm yourself? I know I felt ok for the time being, but then I ended up feeling worse. Often I tell my boyfriend "one more time, please, just once" and he answers "you know it won't just be once; and he's not worth you doing that to yourself". He's right. When I self harm I dont feel better afterwards. During that period it feels like a release adrenline of being upset I guess. Afterwards though i feel dirty and wrong. I think in my own way reliving how i felt after I was raped. Please remember though your boyfriend is right it don't help. I havent met you but i believe you are a wonderful person. quote: suppose, in that sense, I'm weak and just figure I don't want to cause anyone anymore grief. You are so much stronger than me, and don't ever forget to admire yourself because of that. You aren't weak sweety, you have to live it everyday. All i am is free. For that I contradict you! I will admire me if you admire you! so much amazing qualities in you!
my love always, thankyou so much! keekee xxx
Member # 26390
posted 05-27-2006 07:25 PM
Oh gosh, now I AM crying. I'm so happy I could help.
When I said I'm an only child ,I meant that I don't have siblings to protect. I know that if I did sue my dad, I would probably win the case, but it'll take years and years because this country is SO slow. Why do I let him? Well, luckily, I'm not made to see him anymore. We don't really communicate, and that's really the only thing i can do. Thank God, I don't live with him anymore. I suppose I haven't gone to court because I don't see any sense in it. What can I gain? Money? I don't want his money, really. Him going to prison? Could be, but the maximum he could get in this country would be a couple of years and that's it, and in the jail he would probably go back to using cocaine and stuff and I dare say he'd be more of a threat in that condition, because he'd be out in no time and worse since there's no programs to help convicts psychologically when they leave prison here. And like i said, he probably doesn't remember anything because he was most likely drunk and high when it happened. If I had anyone I'd need to protect, I'd speak up. But since I don't, I just keep my distance and hope never to have to see him again in my life. Keep me posted as to how the trial and everything goes . Love to you and your mother, and thank you for saying such nice things about me! P.S: what IS a cornetto? O_O
Member # 28826
posted 05-27-2006 08:22 PM
you welcome because its true!!! Your question about cornettos made me laught though because i naturally assumed you had them ... welll ... cornettos.... are ice creamy things and the qsilly quote : give me cornetto or there was one recently on adn a TV advert saying 'give me cornetto or you'll get a spank' LOL anyways here advertise ment shows a picture of a cornetto on ... http://www.indulgenceicecream.co.uk/softmachines.htm LOL i just love the adverts!!!!!!!!! Anyways sweety I will definatly keep you posted, and remember you are wonderful! keekee xx
Member # 28826
posted 05-30-2006 04:15 PM
hope you okay nailo xxx
Member # 26390
posted 05-30-2006 09:01 PM
Thanks for asking
I'm hanging in there. I just burst into tears sometimes because things just build up with everything; sometimes I feel lonely, frustrated, hateful... I've got to keep myself busy, do things for others so I can remember I'm not worthless. Not just because of my dad, but because of my mom, the people who used to be my friends and backstabbed me, the people who make me feel invisible at school... but I'll be fine. I just need some reassurance every once in a while, that's all. Thanks for showing me the cornettos XD We do have Wals here, but I don't recall seeing those. Or maybe I'm just clueless as usual. My boyfriend really likes Magnums, by the same company. Don't know if they have them in England, or if that's just the name here in Latin America. Oh! Since you're in England, I was going to ask, did you take the GCSEs? I go to a british school, so I took the math one last year (I'm in additional math) and I'll take my Mocks for everything else in July. What did you think of them? My classmates are really freaked out, but I'm pretty calm about them. Probably the only ones I'll really study for is science and math (because it's additional...). Hope you're ok as well Thank you so much for the concern.
Member # 28826
posted 05-31-2006 02:28 PM
Where to start... Well, yes we do have magnums in the UK. They are nice. Secondly, I would like to say that you are never lonely. Never ever lonely, there are so many good people in the world, including lots of support here to help you. Not to mention, I am here for you to talk anytime. ( which reminds me i am soon to get a laptop ... which means I can access the internet anywhere !!! yeys). I was going to private message you but they dont seem to work to you. As for GCSEs, yes i did sit my GCSES about a year and a half ago. I sat GCSE History, Geography, English Literature, English language, Science Biology/chemistry combined, Science Phsyics, ICT, Mathematics and Music. The hardest for me was Music and English Literature because in English you ned to remember details of the texts intimately (very difficult for me as my memory is bad). If you have revised hard and clued yourself up about the subjects you are studying, the exams area breeze. Some of my exams went brilliantly like they were tailored exactly to what we learnt. Just be positive, DONT panic and make sure you are spending 2 hours of revision per 10-20 minute breaks. YOU must break in between studying, REMEMBER brains can overheat just like machinary! I should like to mention that going through what you are and exams can bring unbelieveable stress and strain on your emotions, mental and phsyical body. So don't forget to continue with you enjoy like maybe horse riding, excercise is good!!. Anything really that releases stress. Reading books can cause more strain to the brain ... so me as a person would'nt recommend. Anywho yes I did goto a british school and as from next week i am leaving my college ( so much emotion : *crys*). I cant believe im leaving!As for yuour father huny and your mother, please remember that it was never ever your fault and that in yourself you are wonderful!!!!!!! here for you always, love keekee xxxxxxxxx
Member # 26390
posted 06-01-2006 04:46 PM
Thanks for the tips
School work has never really been a big issue for me, so I don't really panic (only in math now... that's the price for being good at it and having been put into accelerated...). Just curious to see how someone in the UK felt about them. I've heard they're a lot less to worry about than what teachers make them out to be ^^;. As for the private messages? They don't just work for me, they're dissabled . It's too bad for people like you who have good intentions, but it's understandable; it's to protect people from predators. There's a thread about it on one of the boards, if you'd like to read. If you want to talk to me, I suppose (I hope?) it wouldn't be a problem to keep writing here or to put up a thread in village people (as long as you don't mind other people looking in). Talk to you later
Member # 28826
posted 06-01-2006 09:24 PM
Hey Nailo ,
Thats cool I fully understand the issue of PMs being disabled, IU just wanted to chat =) anyways I think if we are only chatting I should make ourselves our own chat thread in Village people? Anyways its okay to say that the GCSEs arent to worry about but my sister took her GCSEs when I took mine, compared to me, she was a living wreck with stress. It really does depend on how you see it and how stress effect you, as a person. Im glad the exams does'nt worry you. Thats a good thing. Whats new with you sweety? Whats going on in your world? Me? Im really nervous - i can't sleep! have a full time job interview at 2pm today ... OMG i'm petrified. Oh for everyones information ... the NSPCC in the UK has saved Childline and is now merged as Childline@nspcc. They have launched a new campaign.... www.donthideit.com if youy need help and your under 18 you can use childline to help you ... (bye nailo <333) lots of love keekee xxx
Member # 11569
posted 06-02-2006 07:53 AM
(Just a side note, but you are both more than welcome to make a chat thread in Village People if you would like!
Member # 28826
posted 06-02-2006 09:44 AM
Thankyou wobblyheadedjane <333
Member # 29574
posted 06-26-2006 12:06 PM
quote: Originally posted by keekee: In the UK if your 16 your are old enough to leave school and live alone ... therefore not a minor. a minor is considered under 16, I am 17 in two months. And over 16 you have the right for your mum not to be told if u so wish. love keekee xx I know this post is very old.But she's correct.In the United States,at the time when your 17,or about a month or two away from being 17,you will be tried in an Adult Court.Even if she's still 16 when they have the verdict reached etc etc, she'll still most likely be in the Adult Court.There's no escaping that.But good luck keekee,my heart goes out to you!
Member # 8067
posted 06-26-2006 12:38 PM
In the United States,at the time when your 17,or about a month or two away from being 17,you will be tried in an Adult Court.Even if she's still 16 when they have the verdict reached etc etc, she'll still most likely be in the Adult Court.There's no escaping that. Since keekee is not the one being tried, her age has no relevance to where the case is heard. Her abuser is the one being tried, and he will obviously be tried as an adult (since he is one).
Member # 29574
posted 06-26-2006 08:41 PM
Either way,she'll still be present in the court room,and technically it's still half of her case.It involves her.
(sorry to seem rude,period and the rain don't mix well with me)
Member # 28826
posted 06-27-2006 02:45 AM
heya ! know that feeling coolkid hun ...
i have a urine infection ..... i was sick so pill did'nt work and my period came back with vengence all at once!!!! so sorry if i dont reply it because im really not well xxx
Member # 29972
posted 07-23-2006 09:49 PM
I'm new here and have also included my story in the support group room called Help Me. I admire your courage so much, I also was abused by a family member, well more than one and I know how it can leave you feeling. Unlike you I lack courage in standing up for myself as I feel I have been hurt one two many times and I honestly don't feel strong enough to do anything about it. Thank you for sharing your story
Member # 30392
posted 08-20-2006 09:37 PM
No meaning to be a copycat,but I also admire your
courage.I wish I was as brave as you. Thank you for you story. Cynthia