T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 28747
posted 03-06-2013 05:53 PM
It's been quite a while since I've posted here. And I've matured a lot. But alas, I am back with a new issue.
About 2 years ago, A bunch of friends from school came over for a party. Long story short, at the end of the night after many drinks, everyone goes home but one girl. We started having sex, but about 10 minutes in, I lost an erection and she got insulted, put her clothes on, and left. I lost it because I had had alcohol, was completely surprised that she thought of me in this way (I had never really thought of her in that way), and I also had a major crush on another girl. I felt horrible, and talked to her about it later. She wasn't mad at me and actually wanted to date me. So...we tried dating. But everytime we got intimate, I would be nervous that I would lose my erection again....and so I did. We ended up breaking up after about 2 months of dating, never successfully having sex. Now, I graduate college and two years go by and I havent been on a date since. All of that still haunts me and I'm terrified of losing an erection again to the point where I turn down girls I could be dating. Also, I've become self-conscious about my penis. It bends to the right. I still talk to that girl I dated two years ago and she sometimes teases me about it (so I know its noticeable). Also, there are little bumps on my penis. Sort of like pimples, but flesh colored. They dont hurt, but if you squeeze, you can sometimes get stuff out of them. I've had these bumps for as long as I can remember. I've done research and I guess they are harmless. But I dont like them. I'm also self-conscious of them. So, thats it. I'm terrified to get intimate because of something that happened 2 years ago and I've become self-conscious of the way my penis looks. Any help?
Member # 101745
posted 03-06-2013 06:26 PM
I'm sorry this has been such an anxiety-causing issue for you.
First off, it sounds like your partner for that first incident really took the loss of your erection as something you actively did at or in reaction to her, which makes me think she didn't have the best handle on how erections work. So I'm sorry you had to deal with that reaction. There are plenty of ways to be sexual without an erection, and in the future I'd encourage you to explore those with partners if you find that you're not getting one when you'd like to. Unfortunately, one of the biggest things that can impact whether someone can get or sustain an erection is stress - if it's something you're worried about and actively stressing over, maintaining an erection will quite possibly continue to be difficult. As you noted, alcohol can play a part in this too, so I'd advise against drinking when you plan on being sexually active, even if you feel like it might help you relax a bit. What you describe on your penis doesn't sound like anything to worry about to me, but if it would ease your mind you could of course have a doctor look over it. If that person you dated is teasing you about your penis (and having a curved penis isn't unusual at all), that sounds like a problem she has with being mean and immature, not a problem with your penis. Here are some articles that might be helpful in your situation: No Erection Four Times Now - What Can I Do? How Can We Make Sure He Stays Erect For Intercourse? A Penis Shape/Size Lowdown Most likely, when you are in a relationship where you feel comfortable with a partner and the two of you are talking through what you both want and enjoy sexually, and you are able to feel relaxed when you're being sexual with that person, you will find that you don't have this same problem maintaining an erection. I really don't think a mature person with an understanding of how penises work will (or should) be personally offended or insulted by an erection not happening on demand. It may take a while for you to find that relaxed space, but the only way to get there is to go for it.
Member # 79774
posted 03-07-2013 06:55 AM
Extending part of what Molias said, really -
If you're experiencing a very great deal of anxiety around this, one option you have is to decide that certain things are just completely off the table for the short-term future. You get to figure out where you want your limits to be - and it might be a good idea to start with those wherever you have any anxiety. That can sometimes give people the space and relaxation to then get comfortable with their own body and build intimacy with other people without worrying about what the "next stage" might be, or what another person might expect of you, or what you might be "supposed" to do next. If you want to date people, it's totally ok to date, or kiss, or cuddle, or anything else, when you have a limit on some other sexual activity. You'll just want to let a companion know your limit at an appropriate time, and they should accept that. Anyone who doesn't isn't a respectful, safe or mature sexual partner for anyone. Plenty of penises bend one way or another (and if you were wondering, it doesn't have any impact on the physical sensations that a partner will get, beyond the usual figuring out how two unique bodies best work together, which applies to everyone anyway). As Molias said, it's immature and not-ok for that girl to tease you about it.
Member # 28747
posted 04-06-2013 10:02 PM
Would it be beneficial to be outright honest and tell them I've had this problem in the past? In way, warning them in case I lose an erection when being intimate with them. Part of me feels like I don't want to surprise them. And if they make me feel alright about it, it'll be less likely to happen.
Member # 101745
posted 04-06-2013 11:28 PM
I think it could be helpful, especially if it'll make you feel more relaxed to talk about this with a partner before you become more intimate with them. I'm of the opinion that it's great to talk about sex in general with a partner before you have sex, just so you can see where your interests and expectations align, and that can be a time for you to talk about your previous experiences, in as much detail as you feel comfortable with.
It's also way to weed out anyone else who might react poorly, but honestly I think you'll probably find that it's something most people can work around and be understanding about. =)
Member # 106719
posted 04-07-2013 02:53 PM
I can second what Redskies said. Penile curvature is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed or worried about. You'd be surprised how many guys don't have a ruler-straight penis, and speaking as a girl, I can assure you it doesn't feel any different at all when you're having sex.
As for losing your erection, I have another take on the issue, but somewhat similar to what others before me have suggested. A sexual relationship without any love, trust or respect is often not enjoyable. You'll find yourself being self-conscious and worrying about things that you might not otherwise worry about if you're in a relationship with someone who cares more than just seeing you naked. You'll inevitably feel some pressure to "perform" well and to measure up to other guys' standards, and that includes maintaining an erection and having a nice-looking penis. It's true that losing your erection is an obstacle to good sex, but you're more likely to find understanding and sympathy in someone who loves and respects you than a random girl who doesn't know you well. And all these qualities take time to build up. They don't appear overnight the minute a girl starts to take an interest in you. Even if you have sexual problems, it's easier and better to get through them with someone who tries to understand you, and I'm inclined to think that the less critical and judgemental someone is, the more relaxed you will be and the easier it will be to keep your erection.
Member # 101745
posted 04-07-2013 03:18 PM
You know, I'm going to say that I don't think an erection is necessary for good sex to happen. There are a lot of sexual things you can do that don't involve or require an erect penis, or even a penis at all.
ArridDryness, I really don't think that what you're describing is a problem that's going to plague you for life; it sounds more to me like a stress/nervousness issue that will be fairly easy to resolve with a considerate and patient partner. But if you do have difficulty in maintaining an erection, even with a fantastic person who doesn't stress you out with performance expectations, I hope you won't see that as an obstacle and will talk things over with them to find other ways to be sexual that you'll enjoy together in that moment.