T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95710
posted 07-09-2012 03:52 PM
I feel really naïve and foolish asking for help regarding this issue, as I am very self-conscious about this form of sex.
I think I have trouble masturbating and orgasming. I know there is a difference between the two; but I'm not sure if this is something that is also hard for me because I was brought up believing that sex before marriage was wrong, so I never even thought of masturbating until I started having sex. I still get aroused when I'm with my partner - I ejaculate, feel tingly, and like I'm about to burst - but I'm very nervous about the fact that I have trouble maturbating and orgasming. I've done some research on it and have read that some women don't orgasm during sexual intercourse; but I still feel upset that I might be lacking in this area. I've only really tried masturbating on my own a few times maximum; but it just unnerves me that I might have problems doing it properly, well, or at all. Again, I feel really embarrassed saying this; and I really don't like admitting it to anyone. Does anyone have any input on this matter? Thank you so much!
Member # 3
posted 07-09-2012 04:02 PM
No need to feel embarrassed!
Plenty of people struggle with feeling okay about sex as something that's about pleasure, about them, and not about -- or just about -- a relationship or someone else. And for folks raised in sex-negative environments, that's a really common challenge. Most people with vulvas don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, that's true. And no one who doesn't is lacking, just like someone who doesn't reach orgasm from oral sex alone, or kissing alone, wouldn't be "lacking." We're all different, our sexual experiences vary greatly -- including in our own lives, phases of life and in different sexual relationships and interactions -- there is no one right way to be sexual or to be sexually responsive. You voice being worried about masturbating "properly." I'm not sure what that means: can you talk about that some?
Member # 95710
posted 07-09-2012 06:50 PM
Thank you so much for your kind response, Heather! I truly appreciate it! I think I agree with you regarding the notion that some people have difficulty being okay with solo sex - I think I am within that group.
What I meant by not being able to masturbate properly was that I'm afraid that I'm doing something wrong regarding that (since my reactions afterward aren't what I think masturbating is supposed to be like, involving pleasure and orgasming during that act); but I guess I just don't know what works for me (to be aroused when I'm alone, I suppose). I just feel distressed about not being able to do that on my own... I'm hoping it can change; so your statement that our sexuality and sexual acts can change over time, given our different phases of life, is very encouraging for me. Thank you!
Member # 90293
posted 07-09-2012 07:01 PM
It is pretty tough when we have a notion of how something should be, and it doesn't turn out that way at all. Sometimes the stress of the expectations of self can be a big part of that, as well as just generally figuring out what works for your body. It can also be pretty tough because that message that premarital sex isn't okay is also a message that sex is only something done with another person, not something that each individual has agency over. From a physical standpoint, how familiar are you with the anatomy of the vulva?
Member # 95710
posted 07-09-2012 10:29 PM
Robin, I agree with you one hundred percent. There are high expectations from me to do it "well" (in other words, to achieve what I believe is the kind of sensation one is supposed to get during masturbation), and I feel bad when I don't get that. I get a little aroused I guess, but nothing big. My partner masturbates a lot, and when I hear of other people being able to do it, I feel bad. It's sometimes something my partner and I talk about (masturbating); and I always feel nervous if we land on that topic for one reason or the other. I find it embarrassing if I can't do it like I feel I should.
To be honest, my knowledge of the vulva is not very extensive. I know a little bit, but certainly not a lot. It might have to be that I try to see what I like and not like in this type of sex, as well as getting over some of these other issues. Thank you to the both of you for answering my posts! You're all so nice and encouraging!