T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 57542
posted 03-21-2012 12:36 PM
I would like to ask for advice on a subject that has been intriguing me. Some time ago my boyfriend introduced me to the act of ejaculating on my face. I found it quite messy and dominating at first and did it mostly to please him, but I got used to it quickly and I could say that I now find the domination to be enjoyable in a way. I really like giving head to my BF, I enjoy the act itself, I love his reactions and I love knowing how much he enjoys it. Most of the time we've done it in bed, but some time ago I surprised him by going down on my knees and giving head to him in a situation where he wasn't expecting it. We both liked it, especially the position, with me kneeling in front of him and we've done it again quite often. He looks and seems so strong standing up like that and I know it makes him feel great too. A bit later he started to run his fingers through my hair and caressing my head while I was doing him orally, which felt really sweet and caring. Some time after that he told that he had fantasized about holding my head gently and thrusting into my mouth himself. I didn't see that one coming and the frist thing that crossed my mind was how disgustingly it's shown on porn, but he promised to be gentle and I've been wrong before, so I allowed him to try. I was down on my knees again, looking up at him, he moved my hair to the sides, put his hands on my head and pushed the head of his penis into my mouth. He started slow and gentle, gradually becoming more intense over time. My biggest concern was that he would not have much control over how deep he went, but he seemed to know just how much I can take in mouth comfortably, even when he was becoming more intense. He also took it out every now and then, let me relax my jaws, kissed me, asked me if he could continue and told me how much he enjoyed it. So it was really quite the same as me usualyl giving head, except that he was controlling it. And I really loved it. There was something so arousing about kneeling in front of him with my hands on my knees and having him just take me in a firm, but gentle way. For the last two times he has also asked to tie my hands behind my back, which has made the experience even more powerful. Now here are the questions that have been puzzling me. Why does he enjoy dominating me like that? He's a very sweet and caring person and I'm a bit surprised to hear how much he's enjoying it. Not that I mind his dominating side, just would like to understand where it's coming from. I know he feels guilty for liking it and sometimes can't believe that I'm comfortable with it, but when he's in the mood, he really enjoys himself. Is it really possible to be dominating and caring at the same time? He never calls me names or makes me feel dirty and it's amazing how safe he makes me feel even with these acts, the whole attitude and little things like putting a pillow under my knees. Can it be that the domination in bed does not affect our everyday life? When I first allowed him to finish on my face, I was worried that he would start to feel differently about me, but he's treating me with the same respect despite dominating me in bed. How is it possible that I'm really starting to enjoy being dominated? He's my first and only boyfriend, I've never been abused in any way, but I'm findig it a big turn-on to have myself completely helpless and at his control. I know I can trust him completely and not have him hurt me in any way but I can't quite figure out why I like it, when I couldn't even admit it to him without blushing.
Member # 3
posted 03-21-2012 12:50 PM
Well, let's first check in with something: does he see this as dominating? I ask not because it isn't okay if either of you do, but I don't see what you're describing as necessarily BEING dominating, and know that what you're describing can be experienced by people as not about that at all.
I also don't see you being helpless in any of this. We can still talk about all your other questions, but I also think it's always important not to attribute motivations or feelings to someone without knowing they're there for them. [ 03-21-2012, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 57542
posted 03-21-2012 03:22 PM
I know he likes the kinkyness, my acceptance and the visuals more, but we both at least think these acts are somewhat dominating. Not in a sense that he's making me do anything I don't want, I'm very comfortable with it, but more like submitting to him. And I do feel helpless when I'm on my knees with my hands tied behind my back and he has ejaculated on my face, but at the same time I feel very safe and I know he won't violate it in any way. How would you describe it?
Member # 3
posted 03-21-2012 05:57 PM
Well, I wouldn't describe it, because I don't know what's in either of your heads. My point was that actions often don't tell us much about feelings or motivations. For example, someone can be on their knees because it's more comfortable, with it having nothing to do with submission. Someone can like to be tied up because they like that sensation, but have no association with that being about domination or submission. And someone can still have control over what happens with fellatio as a receptive partner even if a partner is moving their body or holding their head. Know what I mean? But if you're saying that you both have talked about it and this is about domination and submission for both of you, then it is! In other words, now I can know what's going on in your heads because you've shared that with me. So, on to your questions. quote: Why does he enjoy dominating me like that? He's a very sweet and caring person and I'm a bit surprised to hear how much he's enjoying it. Not that I mind his dominating side, just would like to understand where it's coming from. I know he feels guilty for liking it and sometimes can't believe that I'm comfortable with it, but when he's in the mood, he really enjoys himself. To know this, you've got to ask him. But it sounds like you might be assuming sweet, caring people can't enjoy being in charge of things, including sexual things, sometimes or enjoy this kind of sexual play. And I don't think that's a sound assumption, not that consensual play like this at all indicates, all by itself, someone isn't sweet or caring. But if he's feeling guilty, it also sounds like you two might want to try and work that out, since feeling bad about sex we're engaging in usually doesn't...well, feel good. He and you both will probably feel better about this and enjoy what you already do more if a peace is made with those guilty feelings or they get worked out. quote: Is it really possible to be dominating and caring at the same time? He never calls me names or makes me feel dirty and it's amazing how safe he makes me feel even with these acts, the whole attitude and little things like putting a pillow under my knees. Can it be that the domination in bed does not affect our everyday life? When I first allowed him to finish on my face, I was worried that he would start to feel differently about me, but he's treating me with the same respect despite dominating me in bed. I'd address both of those questions like this: when little kids play doctor, or rodeo or good guys and bad guys, can they know they are not really doctors, or rodeo cowboys or good guys and bad guys? Can they play those games and not have those games turn into their whole life? Of course, right? And the same is true for most people who engage in D/S role play with sex: it's role play for most people, not how they see their partners or relationships or want them to be full-stop, not who they are as a whole person outside those interactions. Really, this isn't about the what but the how: you seem to be describing a lot of good checking in, full consent, a lot of love and care here. So, thus far, based on what you've posted, I'm not seeing any reason to second-guess that. quote: How is it possible that I'm really starting to enjoy being dominated? He's my first and only boyfriend, I've never been abused in any way, but I'm finding it a big turn-on to have myself completely helpless and at his control. I know I can trust him completely and not have him hurt me in any way but I can't quite figure out why I like it, when I couldn't even admit it to him without blushing. Again, I'd not say you're helpless and he's completely in control. If that was the situation, in a real way, then I would want to talk about that and how that's not likely a healthy dynamic. But it's not. Once more, you're negotiating, doing full consenting, checking in, have thoughts of being loving with each other and keeping each other safe. He's not doing anything you don't want or making decisions for you. Get what I mean?
Also, if you have the idea only people who have been abused like any kind of BDSM, know that's wrong. Lots of people who have been don't like it at all, plenty of people who haven't been do. If it was about or reminiscent of abuse, a healthy person who had been abused typically would NOT like it at all, nor would a healthy person who hadn't been. I can't tell you why you are finding this to be something you like: again, that's your head-stuff. But I can tell you that our sexuality is an ever-growing, ever-changing process, so discovering new things we like tends to happen over time. We also can find there are things we find we like in one relationship or with one partner that we didn't with others, or don't with others still later on. Have either of you got any good resources, like a couple good books, about D/S play? if not, sounds like you both might really benefit from them and be glad for the information.
Member # 57542
posted 03-23-2012 10:37 AM
Thank you so much for the reply, it was very reassuring to me. I clearly have many misconceptions, it's just so new and thrilling to me and I would have never thought I would allow or enjoy acts like these. I have done a little searching on the internet, but most of the material seems to be quite... extreme and I don't think we want to go much further for now. I would like to ask about him feeling guilty though. When he's finishing on my face, he likes to have it everywhere, including my eyelids and forehead. I know it's visually more appealing and he finds me beautiful even like that, but also because he knows it's more messy for me, I cannot open my eyes and he enjoys seeing my expression. When he first told me, I felt surprised that he actually likes it messy on purpose, but now I think it actually adds to the sensation. I've told him that I'm comfortable with it, as long as it's not in my eyes or in my hair, which he's careful about and I appreciate it, but I know he sometimes feels it's wrong to enjoy it, especially after, when he's helping me wipe it off around my eyes and sometimes apologizing. Is it just the chemical reactions to having an orgasm for a man? In a way, I guess it's sweet and shows that he really cares for me, but I also don't want him to worry when he could just enjoy it.
Member # 90293
posted 03-23-2012 01:02 PM
I'm wondering, and if you've said this and I missed it I apologize, have you and your boyfriend sat down and talked about this, outside your sexual activity? The reason I ask is that it might be helpful to you to know what he's feeling when he's apologizing and helping you wipe your face. Sure, it could be guilt, or it could be the sweetness and caring you're getting from the gesture. If he says that he does feel guilty, that would give you the chance to let him know that it's okay for you, but that you do like it/feel cared/whatever it is that you feel when he helps you wipe up.
It's a little tough sometimes, I think, to talk about things like this, both because a lot of people consider it taboo and because sometimes it can feel like taking a little of the mystery out of things. But talking can lead to increased understanding and help you relieve some of these anxieties and uncertainties. Have you looked at this article? There are a few resources in here.
Working the Kinks Out
Member # 57542
posted 03-23-2012 03:26 PM
Yes, we have talked about these things when not having sex, with plenty of blushing though. He said that feels guilty for actually enjoying giving me a messy facial. I know he loves fantasizing about it, doing it and looking at the result, but after a moment he starts to think what I'm feeling and feels an obligation to help me clean it up. Sure it's messy and sticky, but I'm comfortable with it and I kind of like the smell and feel, as long as it's not on for too long, and it doesn't take that much effort to clean up. And we usually do it before showering anyway. I absolutley love the fact that I rarely have to worry about having it in my hair, I appreciate it when he helps me wipe it off around my eyes and I adore being kissed after it. I've asked him not worry so much about it, but he still does. I mean, some of the skin care products I've used have been much more uncomfortable. And thank you for the link, had agood read.
Member # 27731
posted 03-25-2012 11:13 PM
quote: Originally posted by Martey: I know I can trust him completely and not have him hurt me in any way but I can't quite figure out why I like it, when I couldn't even admit it to him without blushing. I'd say it boils down to trust. When you place yourself in a vulnerable position, such as being tied up, you're giving him total control over you and the opportunity to show whether your trust in him is justified or not. When he demonstrates that it is justified by not doing anything unwanted or harmful that can make it quite a pleasing experience.
He said that feels guilty for actually enjoying giving me a messy facial Part of it probably has to do with what you said previously. I found it quite messy and dominating at first and did it mostly to please him He's bound to be aware that you do it just to please him. So, not surprisingly, he feels guilty about having you doing something that you aren't really into and get no pleasure out of and he does nothing to balance the scales. I’d say ask him to do something specifically to please you that way he won’t feel like things are so one-sided. Plenty of things to choose from like having him give you oral, etc. I felt surprised that he actually likes it messy on purpose, but now I think it actually adds to the sensation. Sort of, visually it's more appealing which can make it more of a mental rush. Moreover, consider what having it all over the place signifies. If you were buying a garden hose, would you choose one that was powerful and sprayed everywhere or one that was weak and could barely manage to get stuff to dribble out onto a single spot? Not a very good example I admit but you get the point. Guys like to have powerful equipment and do demonstrations that show how powerful the equipment is though it's not something that's consciously thought about. I chose the word equipment because the thought process applies to more than just the genitals. Many guys like to show off how powerful there car or computer or other possessions are even if it is just to reinforce the knowledge in their own mind.
Member # 33376
posted 03-26-2012 12:36 PM
perhaps he feels guilty beecause it is seen of as doing something to you, rather than doing something with you
[ 03-26-2012, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: selina ]
Member # 33376
posted 03-26-2012 12:45 PM
quote: Guys like to have powerful equipment and do demonstrations that show how powerful the equipment is though it's not something that's consciously thought about. I chose the word equipment because the thought process applies to more than just the genitals. Many guys like to show off how powerful there car or computer or other possessions are even if it is just to reinforce the knowledge in their own mind. [/QB] but in saying that, does it not give the impression that men are using their penises to do things reminiscent of 'marking their territory' on the woman? thats what it sounds like to me. personally this activity doesn't appeal to me at all but if you give your consent and he gives his care and consideration to you and it seems like he is taking care of you more so than most men who do this on a regular basis, than there doesn't seem anything wrong with it. perhaps he feels guilty because it is seen of as doing something to you, rather than doing something with you
Member # 33376
posted 03-26-2012 12:48 PM
i think my original reply double posted...sorry about that
Member # 57542
posted 03-27-2012 07:12 AM
I think trust has a lot to do with the pleasure, and I'm not a native english speaker, but I believe the word vulnerable describes best what I enjoy about it. I do like receiving facials now, it was at the beginning that I did it to please him and he knows that. I also don't think there's anything similar that I could do to him and he loves going down on me. I did have a fantasy about kneeling over his face and have him eat me out, but he ended up loving it and has asked me to do it again, so I asked him about it and he said he likes it messy because it looks visually more arousing, but he also likes to know that he is allowed to do it everywhere on my face, as long as it's not in my eyes or hair, he likes fantasizing about it and knowing he's the only one that has seen me like that. I gues I'll never understand it completely, but as long as it's done caringly, I don't really mind. I'd say the act itself is somewhat one-sided, but kissing, cuddling and cleanin up isn't and I think that's why I like it. I can't ever imagine allowing him do it, if he would send me to clean up after the facial.
Member # 46362
posted 03-27-2012 05:40 PM
AS far as I understand, this expresses your acceptance, of him, for which he is grateful.
Sex is messy and includes dealing with substances not mentioned in polite conversation most of the time anyway, so doing anything really implies a certain level of trust. making that slimy, messy thing that came from our bodies even more visible (as in: facial) can underline that. He probably feels guilty because in mainstream porn it can be presented a for-real-degrading thing (as in, not just as a happy kink), and he does respect you as a person. I think reading and talking about the difference between kink scenes and the relationships beneath them could be useful for him. I could hunt for a link tomorrow, if you want. You are giving him permission to be himself, even his "darker" side, acceptance, pleasure with this act, and if in the relationship as a whole he gives all these things to you too, then he shouldn't be ashamed. There is also a thing that what we find to express these emotional meanings can vary a lot depenging of culture etc (it s a widespread theory that money shots are mostly popularized by porn, because even if a penis would "prefer" to come in whatever warm, nice body part it happens to be at the moment, the cameras want it to get out, so they will be able to record the sperm getting out), but there is a certain freedom in what we do make of them. I remember someone describing giving a blowjob in a dominant way - "hey, your most sensitive organ is between my sharp teeth, and it is my decision if it will make it out from my mouth without harm [evil laughter]". So, just because facials usually mean X, you can have them meaning y for the two of you.
Member # 46362
posted 03-27-2012 06:08 PM
So, I'd do that reading, and then talked about what else you might try that could make him feel even and would cause joy for you, too. Him licking/kissing zones usually untouched in a basic necking? keeping your fingers in his mouth? getting written messages with sharpie on the more hidden parts of his body [i.e. without causing comments from coworkers etc]? Is there anything, any silly thing, that you wanted to try, but was ashamed to ask?
Member # 57542
posted 04-03-2012 08:47 AM
I think I would appreciate the link if you have it. He has watched porn before me and we've watched it together. I think he has good taste and doesn't have a problem understanding the difference between porn and real life. I don't have anything similar that I would like to do to him. I have thought about what it would be like for him to experience receiving it on his face, but I can't imagine bringing it up.
Member # 46362
posted 04-03-2012 05:15 PM
well, the original post might be too extreme for this discussion, but the basic idea is, that he feels that he is basically a friend of his girlfriend, and on top of it they are also lovers, and the top of it they are also a couple, and on the top of it, they sometimes have this power structure where he is lower than her. Some specific things he does because of this kinky power difference, but if there is a conflict that is a friendship problem or a couple problem, it can't be resolved in the higher level - you need the bottom layers of the stack solid enough to relax enough to play around on the top. The specific example he uses is that he cleans the bathtub after he uses it because he is a considerate flatmate, and he does certain sexual services because they have these kinky roles where he is mostly giving, but if her girlfriend used the power she has in these specific contexts for resolving their flatmate-layer conflict about the bathtub (because she were too lazy to wash after herself, and he got upset, in this example), it were unfair and he wouldn't, in the end, feel the joy he gets from proper "servicing" at all.
"When there are problems, you need to address them at the layer or with an approach that actually confronts the issue, instead of sidestepping it. That’s what Eileen and I do when we have issues to work out. She never pulls the “but I’m your Mistress” card when we’re not dealing with an issue that’s a part of the D/s layer. It would be harmful to do so." disclaimer: people and relationships and meanings of acts are diverse, and changeable over time.
Member # 95516
posted 04-09-2012 10:25 PM
It's not uncommon for people who integrate D/s into their sex lives to feel some level of guilt about it. The causes of the guilt can be a range of things from violating "sexual social norms" to feeling as though you're doing something you shouldn't do to someone you care about.
The only person who knows why your boyfriend feels guilty is your boyfriend and that's something the two of you should really sit down and talk about since you plan to continue practicing D/s. Just as you need to feel reassured that you're safe and that he cares about you through his actions such as being gentle, helping you clean up, kissing you, putting a pillow under your knees, etc. he may need to be reassured that you enjoy it, you love him, he shouldn't feel bad, etc. The person in the dominant role has insecurities and fears as well. Successful, healthy D/s relationships hinge on trust and communication. It seems like you two have built a great foundation. Also, you seem to be very interested in why you're into this whole D/s thing. You aren't the first to be intrigued be the idea of it all and the question of why. People have studied it and written tons about it. I think it would be good for you to do some research into the psychology behind BDSM.
Member # 57542
posted 05-28-2012 02:28 PM
Hey again and thank you all for the advice!
We've been doing it for some time now and we've both gotten more comfortable with it. I guess I never understood that he could be afraid of dominating me, but we've talked about it, I've encouraged him outside of bed and in bed and I think he's enjoying himself more too.
Member # 33376
posted 06-02-2012 02:20 PM
quote: Originally posted by Martey: I don't have anything similar that I would like to do to him. I have thought about what it would be like for him to experience receiving it on his face, but I can't imagine bringing it up. squirt cream on his face? its the only thing i can think of
Member # 96015
posted 06-27-2012 05:08 PM
I'd encourage you to try and get your hands on a copy of The Topping Book and/or The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, if you can. They have been some of my favorite guides and resources as I've explored submission and domination play with my partners.
I have what I would refer to as a "switch" personality, sexually speaking - I love submitting to people, and I also love being dominant, depending on my mood and the situation. Speaking from a dom perspective, it is absolutely possible to be a caring dom - one of the most common and unfortunate stereotypes about dominant/submissive relationships is that the dom is mean, cold, and uncaring, while the submissive is being manipulated/has no sense of self-worth. That is absolutely not the case in a healthy relationship. If I am being dominant in bed, I check in carefully with my partner(s), make sure I'm clear on their boundaries, and leave time for talking and cuddling afterwards so that we can process everything we've done in a safe environment. I only want to hurt and dominate people consensually, in the ways that they're comfortable with. As a submissive, I can find it really fun to do things that some folsk might consider degrading, as long as it's in a situation where I trust my partner(s) and have consciously chosen to do such an activity. People can enjoy domination and submission for any number of reasons - I would find it tough to explain the exact mental processes behind my interests - but it's perfectly healthy and normal as long as you still value consent and respect your partner's boundaries. The way you interact in the bedroom doesn't have to automatically alter the rest of your life and relationship - if you let your boyfriend ejaculate on your face, that doesn't make you lesser, weird, freaky, a slut - all it means is that you let your boyfriend ejaculate on your face. The meaning is entirely yours to determine. It doesn't have to shift anything about his view of you or your view of yourself.