T O P I C R E V I E W
beehive
Member # 38767
posted 03-11-2012 02:33 PM
I have started seeing this guy recently. We are both 24. I have had a slightly tough time in terms of heartache recently and although this doesn't fix all of that he is really kind and caring and I like being around him. He also makes me feel really good in bed, except for that whenever we have been being sexual with each other (maybe 5-6 times) he doesn't get hard enough for us to have sex and he doesn't come from doing anything else either. He says he is turned on, and doesn't consciously feel nervous, so doesn't really know why. He says he hasn't been able to come in his previous relationship either, only by himself. I can't help feeling like this is a problem, because we want to have sex, and I think he is bothered by it and feels like he is letting me down. I know it isn't his fault, but I guess I do wish things weren't like this. I know how I act about it is really important to make sure he doesn't get even more upset and/or anxious, but I am not quite sure what to do. I don't want to make it into a big deal and I don't want to act like I don't care about it either. He says he is going to speak to his doctor about it, but I don't know if the doc is going to be able to say anything more than that it's all in his head. I feel like there might be some big (yet obscure) issue here that I will have to deal with and I don't feel very well placed to deal with it. Er, does anyone have anything to say?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 03-11-2012 02:36 PM
So, am I getting it right that with his masturbation, neither orgasm nor erection has tended to be an issue for him?
beehive
Member # 38767
posted 03-11-2012 02:55 PM
Not totally sure about the latter.
beehive
Member # 38767
posted 03-11-2012 02:58 PM
Also, I feel like I might be a bit too old to use this site? I'm sorry if that's the case but you guys are so helpful!
Heather
Member # 3
posted 03-11-2012 02:58 PM
Well, if either are true, then there's likely no need for him to see the doctor since it's not at all likely -- if just clearly not -- a physical issue. Instead, it's probably more about his thoughts or feelings, and his level of comfort or desire with partners, be it you or anyone else. And that's going to be something he'll need to work out and figure out over time. Since it sounds like he's saying he's sure he's totally comfortable and way into everything, feeling loads of desire, it seems like part of that process might be really reevaluating all of that, since chances are, things just aren't all hunky-dory on those fronts for him. In the meantime, really, all you can do is have whatever kind of sex you both want that your bodies are also responsive to, and do what you can to be chill about everything. Same goes for him.
nighteyesv
Member # 27731
posted 03-17-2012 12:34 PM
Well, if he is able to get hard when masturbating then have him masturbate till he is hard enough and then immediatley start having sex before he goes soft again. If you want to be involved you could give him a handjob till he is hard enough.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 03-17-2012 03:23 PM
Hey, nighteyesv, I'd just read through the whole of this post and remember that there's a person attached to that penis, a person who clearly isn't feeling very comfortable with sex with a partner yet. So, advising someone do physical things to someone in that kind of situation, or advance things sexually when there are those kind of red lights in the mix, just isn't very sound and doesn't really recognize that sex (or erection) isn't just about physics.
nighteyesv
Member # 27731
posted 03-17-2012 11:53 PM
quote: Originally posted by Heather:a person who clearly isn't feeling very comfortable with sex with a partner yet. It certainly does appear that way but she says that he said he does not feel nervous and is turned on. I do not like calling people liars. If he is not willing to admit it to himself then he probably will not accept hearing it from a couple of strangers who have read a paragraph about him. Especially when it is his girlfriend, we are talking to and not him. Therefore, until otherwise informed I am going to act on the assumption that he is being honest. quote: Originally posted by Heather: So, advising someone do physical things to someone in that kind of situation, or advance things sexually when there are those kind of red lights in the mix, just isn't very sound and doesn't really recognize that sex (or erection) isn't just about physics. I did not say to advance things sexually. They are currently attempting to have sex and she did not mention stopping so it is not advancement to recommend a variation on a current activity. I am well aware that sex (or erection) is not just about physics. My advice was psychology not physics. Right now, he associates arousal only with masturbation. With her and intercourse included into that activity then eventually she and intercourse should become associated with arousal as well. I am certainly not a psychologist but I have seen associations created before. A friend was sick once, drank a lot of milk during the illness, and afterward could not look at milk for a long time without becoming nauseous. Therefore, you see, I did remember that there was a person attached to that penis. In fact, that person’s mental and emotional states were the factors I focused on and not that person’s penis. quote: Originally posted by Heather:In the meantime, really, all you can do is have whatever kind of sex you both want that your bodies are also responsive to I find it unusual that you would condemn what I said when before that you gave in essence the same advice. His body is "responsive to" masturbation so I simply expanded upon and extrapolated from your own advice. [ 03-18-2012, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: nighteyesv ]
beehive
Member # 38767
posted 03-18-2012 06:00 AM
Thank you both for advice. Nighteyesv I see what you mean, in fact I did suggest that he masturbate with me (which I think he didn't realise was an OK thing to do with a partner) and it was fun. I guess perhaps what Heather was saying is that it might be bad to see it as a kind of trick to get around the problem that he is not totally comfortable with sex yet. Like, if we have to "immediately start having sex before he goes soft again" it sounds like it might be a bit stressful. But I do see what you mean and we have been talking about what kind of thing he likes to do by himself. I think as time goes on he is getting more comfortable with things and confident which is really great.
nighteyesv
Member # 27731
posted 03-18-2012 01:11 PM
I am glad he is getting more comfortable and confident. Yes, I guess it could be viewed as a trick to get around the problem. However, since he has not admitted to what exactly the problem is it is rather difficult to provide advice on anything except various workarounds or that he go see a therapist. As for the part about "'immediately start having sex before he goes soft again' it sounds like it might be a bit stressful." Well, it would be stressful if you told him in advance though I had intended that you only tell him the moment he was physically ready and act before he had a single moment to focus on whatever thoughts have been getting in the way. Ideally he would be kept so distracted from his thoughts he would be able to stay aroused. Obviously, such a strategy would have a high possibility of failure but then again it may work. However, the most important thing is just to have fun and you said you did have fun when you masturbated with him. If anything, this issue has worked for the two of you. You have been able to get closer to him and talk about things that are not always mentioned in relationships. You also get to spend time trying other sexual acts that you may not have ordinarily tried but had thought about before now. Afterall, would you have attempted masturbating with him if he didn't have this issue? My guess is no and so you wouldn't have known that it was actually fun for you and now you do. So relax, have fun, and try out some of your fantasies with him that don't require intercourse.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 03-18-2012 01:14 PM
Hey, nighteyesv: it seems fairly clear I read a tone in your post that wasn't actually there. My apologies. That said, I'd still advise, in any situation like this, that couples not keep trying to do anything that's clearly stressful or isn't working for them, especially without taking some substantial time off from it first to help unload it.
MrDizzle
Member # 95814
posted 05-15-2012 03:37 AM
Apologies for adding a post to this thread, but I was searching for something very similar to this on Google, and I figured I could chime in and offer my opinion. Beehive, I am a man that experiences the EXACT same thing. I have never had an issue performing by myself, but whenever I am with someone, it becomes an issue. I cannot speak for him, but I know that for myself, I was very turned on and in the mood. I have been trying to find answers about what the problem could be myself, but I can tell you that in my past, I've had issues with rejection and being turned down, so there are definitely some self esteem issues. I have been with women that I was only interested in for sex, and women that I truly loved with all my heart, and the same problem arose. It is incredibly embarrassing to myself, and I felt horrible because I didn't want the woman I was with to think it was her fault. I will do everything I can to make sure I please her, but when she tries to return the favor, nothing seems to work. I have ZERO background in medicine, but I can say from personal experience that the only times the issue has been manageable for myself where when I was most comfortable. I don't know if any of this will help, but as I've had the same problem for years (I'm 27) and I'm still seeking answers myself, I can't offer any advice. All I can say is that he is not alone, and it is somewhat embarrassing and almost shameful for some of us guys not to be able to fully please the women/men we're with, so just stick with him, and hopefully he can overcome it.