T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 66334
posted 05-28-2011 05:03 PM
"While I'm not comfortable saying everyone who exerts sexual pressure intends to do that, I am comfortable saying that very few people who do exert sexual pressure don't intend not to and are not trying not to do that. It seems to me that most of the people who exert sexual pressure on others tend to be thinking mostly or only about their own wants and needs and are not being as thoughtful as you are, nor as equally invested in their partners wants and needs as you clearly are." -heather
i read this in an article and it got me wondering ... if youve seen my other threads youll know i think my boyfriend is caring and i dont think (untill now) that he pressures me. He has however said "It would suck to be a virgin forever"and "you know we dont get to see each other alone often"(translation:so we should make the most of it by getting physical while we can) and "I dont get why you were so nervous maybe you dont trust me enough?" and he has once or twice gently pulled my hand to indicate wanting a handjob. but he has said repeatedly its ok if you want to wait and alway stuff like do you want to do this ? are you ready? are you sure ? keep going? i think the only time he didnt was when he gently pulled my hand towards him but he didnt actually place my hand any where or force me. If I resisted anything he would stop or if i stoped actively enjoying something or hesisatated hed stop. so was he actauly pressuring me? If so was it on purpose? (I say he doesnt but sometimes I worry and after he said some of that stuff above I got quite upset and he apoligized profusely)
Member # 27731
posted 05-28-2011 07:48 PM
I'm going to give the short answer first but please continue reading afterwards so you'll get the explanation.
Short answer: Yes he is pressuring you or at best it could be viewed as trying to persuade you. Long answer: It's always good to look at things from every viewpoint and angle. Consider what his viewpoint would be. He has a gf who he desires a great deal physically but at the same time he knows she isn't ready to take it to that level yet. So what is he supposed to do about this internal conflict within himself between his physical desire and his fear of driving you away and putting the relationship in jeopordy? The answer he seems to have come up with whether conciously or unconciously is to try to gently persuade you to change your mind though in reality it sounds more like pressuring then persuading but to him he probably considers it to be persuasion. He probably believes that if he doesn't apply some persuasion/pressure you'll never change your mind because realistically why would you just suddenly wake up one day and go froom not being ready to being ready unless some external factor caused the change. That is probably what he is thinking at least because who knows maybe one day you will just wake up and without any external factors involved have a revelation that you are ready. Added to his physical desire is the social pressure he likely percieves to lose his virginity. You said yourself that he said "It would suck to be a virgin forever" so he obviously is thinking about the social pressure as well. For some men the mark of being a man isn't a driver's license or their 18th birthday or living on there own or getting a job it is losing there virginity that makes them a man. I am not saying it is correct just that some view it that way and it sounds like he does. So to sum up he has his physical desires plus social pressure to have sex fighting against his fear he'll push you too hard and lose you. A lot of people say how communication is important in a relationship but there is a VERY MAJOR difference between communicating with someone and talking to them. With communication you make an honest attempt to try to understand things from the other persons perspective and see why it is that they got to the conclusion they made or why they are doing the things they are doing. However, that doesn't mean you'll agree with them only that you'll understand them and it will be easier to explain your views in ways they can understand and appreciate. I am in NO WAY condoning or excusing him or any other for trying to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do. I am simply saying try to understand the persons motives and viewpoint before making judgenments. Even with understanding it doesn't mean you'll agree but at least you'll know where they are coming from. Oh just one last thing. In your quote of heather the last sentence I'm going to partially disagree with her on this. Yes it is true that a lot of those who exert sexual pressure are more concerned about their own needs and desires but for some one of those needs and desires is pride that their partner is feeling pleasure because of them. Being able to please there partner is a major stroking of their ego. So for heather to imply that any partner of a person who sexually pressures will never be satisfied in bed is misleading at best. Yes it will in essence be about them but the partner doesn't necassarily lose out on the fun.
Member # 66334
posted 05-28-2011 08:34 PM
thanks that helps alot i was already trying to see it from his point of view and your explanation makes it alot easier .
the thing is i get really quite upset basically cause i freak that he only wants me for sex ect when really i know thats not true.I actually cried after he said itd suck to be a virgin forever.Basically coz i thought it meant hed be mad if i didnt sleep with him(we were in his bed at the time) which isnt what he said.And to be honest i dont wanna be a virgin forever either.Not coz of socail pressure but coz i want him. and i dont really think he wants to do it due to socail factor really. I mean obviously it is a factor but one time when his mate kept buggn us with rude jokes and crap he just turned around and was like yeah ima virgirn get over it. And has never told anyone bout what we have done.Any way when I cried, well basically straight after he said it he felt really bad. And we just cuddled for a bit. He said he didnt mean it like that. He is always very honest. So I over reacted right? And he is actually more concerned with making me happy then letting me make him happy.As he says otherwise he feels selfish.
Member # 27731
posted 05-28-2011 11:28 PM
Short answer: No I don't think you overreacted.
Long Answer: I define "overreaction" as intentionally blowing your emotions out of proportion and I don't think you did that so no it wasn't an overreaction. We each feel the way we feel even when we know it's not a rational response and that is just part of being human. We all have internal conflicts we have to deal with not just him but you as well. You mentioned that you want him as well but there are things holding you back from being with him and the resolution of that conflict whether it be a decision not to sleep with him or a decision to sleep with him or something in between can only in the end be achieved by you. When you say you thought he'd get mad at you for not sleeping with you I can assure you that is not the case instead what he likely felt was sexual frustration. Sexual frustation and being mad are 2 COMPLETELY different things even though on the surface they may appear outwardly very similiar. I'll try to give an example you can relate to. Have you ever been really, really, really horny but have for some reason, whether it be you're out in public or something, haven't been able to deal with those desires? When that happens do you get angry at a specific person? I'm hoping your answer is no. Instead what you feel is just general frustration with no specific target which is quite different then anger. So if you don't get angry at a specific person when you are sexually frustrated why would he? It sounds to me like he is a decent guy and he doesn't like pressuring you and while part of it is that he wants to deal with his own sexual desires he does want it to be something that you enjoy as much or more than him. I can say from personal experience making your partner happy in bed can in its own way be even more fullfilling than personal gratification though its great when both occur. In a way its a matter of personal pride being able to think "she is satisfied right now because of me and what I just did with her". It can be a big ego boost for those that care whether their partner ended up satisfied [Note:satisfaction is not to be confused with orgasm there have been plenty of times when I've had an orgasm but didn't feel satisfied and others where I did not have an orgasm but was satisfied] of course there are those who don't care at all and focus only on themselves but from your description he doesn't sound like that. I would recommend that when you do get really emotional that you get into the habit of analyzing those feelings. What I mean is that when it starts consider what thought it is exactly that is making you feel that way then take several deep breaths to calm yourself and review each side of the internal conflict. Here's an example. When you got emotional because you thought he would be angry for you not sleeping with him on one side of that internal conflict is your own desire to sleep with him plus your worry he'd leave you for not doing so. On the other side of that were all the reasons you haven't slept with him which I can only guess at because you haven't mentioned them. Now these are examples of the questions I would ask if I were you in that particular situation: 1. Do I feel physical desire for him? Yes 2. Has he done or said anything throughout the entire time I've known him to lead me to seriously believe he would leave me at this moment for not having sex with him? No 3. Has he done or said anything throughout the entire time I've known him to indicate he is mad at me SPECIFICALLY for not having sex with him rather then simply being sexually frustrated? No 4. Are all the concerns that have kept me so far from sleeping with him reasonable concerns and if so do they still apply at this moment as much as they did during my last internal review? 5. Is the physical desire I achknowledged in the first question sufficient reason to dismiss all the rational and valid concerns that I determined existed in question 4? Number 4 would have been broken into multiple questions if I knew what your concerns were but I think you get the point. I personally set aside 15-30 minutes before I go to sleep to first calm myself down and then do an internal assessment of all the interactions I've had with people that day and all the emotions I remember feeling and first examine each side of my own personal conflicts if they exist and determine whether the concerns are rational and valid or simply from fear or some other emotion. Then if there was a conflict with someone else attempt to try to put myself in there shoes and see things from there perspective. It can help a lot in a relationship to sit down and say "I understand why you view it in such and such a way [if you don't understand it is a good idea to ask] and I'm not trying to invalidate or dismiss your concerns it's simply I view it such and such a way and these are the reasons why I do so". The internal review each night is something I think would be a good idea for you to try. Sometimes if the issue is complex I like to write each side down so I have a visual representation of it. The internal review is something I think everyone should be in the habit of doing. [ 05-28-2011, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: nighteyesv ]
Member # 66334
posted 05-29-2011 11:58 PM
okay thank you for the advice
um we ended up trying and it didnt err work . so now im really confused ...
Member # 27731
posted 05-30-2011 04:17 PM
I made a few recommendations so which one are you referring to?
[ 05-30-2011, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: nighteyesv ]
Member # 66334
posted 05-30-2011 11:35 PM
its under too tight .
and thank you so much for ur help
Member # 27731
posted 05-31-2011 01:49 AM
Your welcome glad I could help. I read the posts in "too tight" and I remember you saying you were a virgin. I'd say if it was minor discomfort keep going and see if it gets better. I'm not a girl but from what I've been told the first time or two can still have some minor discomfort even when wet especially when you are anticipating pain so you end up tensing up.