T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 43526
posted 10-13-2009 08:56 PM
My boyfriend and have yet to actually have sexual intercourse (or oral), but we're pretty intimate with each other. Or, he is with me, anyway. I'm comfortable with the idea of manual sex and immensely enjoy it- but I want him to stop paying so much attention to me, because I don't reciprocate.
I really want to share that with him, but I am utterly terrified to actually touch him intimately. I think it has something to do with my lack of confidence in myself... but we're both virgins and have never done anything like this with anyone else before, so he doesn't have past experiences to compare it to. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him or that he'll worry about making me feel better and not say something if I do it wrong. We've had dialogue about this before, and he said it's not really a problem, but I know he resents that he doesn't "get any". Besides, I don't want our sexual relationship to be one sided because our emotional relationship certainly isn't. As far as I can tell, there's no actual problems with our relationship, but I do have self esteem problems and controlled panic disorder. Does anyone have any thoughts about what I can do to make myself more confident or more comfortable?
Member # 44305
posted 10-14-2009 03:23 AM
Low self esteem, panic disorder, problem with sexual activities.. maybe we should start a club? Sounds so similar, except mine is reversed, I don't like getting the attention, but I love giving it.
You have already established an open communication line about sex and sexuality with your boyfriend, and that's good. You have told him you're not feeling very confident, but he seems to have the confidence in you, and I'm sure he has a good reason to. Alas, you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with and don't want to do. If, however, you want to be able to be more "giving" and feel that your LSE is getting in the way of things, how about ask your boyfriend to show you what he'd like you to do, and keep those communication lines open, so he can feel free to let you know he'd like you to do something differently, or if you're doing a good job. And feedback ought to make you feel more confident, since you'll learn how to please your partner. Are you getting any help with your LSE and panic disorder? Low self esteem is hard to fix by yourself, as self help tends to do more harm than it does good to sufferers. Do these problems affect other areas of your life? Hope any of this is at least a litte helpful.
Member # 44376
posted 10-14-2009 04:53 PM
It's good that you can talk to him. At least that's sorted. I'm afraid I can't offer such in depth and articulate advice as other people on this board but I can give you an example of my own experience.
I had only ever kissed a boy before I met my current boyfriend, so the thought of having to do "stuff" to him made me nervous. I wanted to, I was just so nervous that I'd be really bad. My boyfriend willingly did nice things for me and didn't say anything about not getting anything in return, but I still felt bad about it. After a particularly intense make-out session I just put my hand down there and made him put his hand round mine to guide me. That made me feel more confident in what I was going because he was guiding me and showing me exsactly what he liked. So maybe you could ask him to do the same? I found that him helping made me feel reassured and less insecure. I understand your situation differs because you have controlled panic disorder. Maybe you should see someone to help you over that hurdle first, or have you considered that you might not be ready yet?
Member # 43526
posted 10-14-2009 07:00 PM
I'm in therapy and on medication for my anxiety, and it doesn't usually affect much other than the quality of my schoolwork and my familial relationships. The issue is definitely not that I don't want to- I just seem to have this roadbloack of anxiety (surprise!) that I can't seem to get over. It's starting to bother me because he is absolutely the sweetest thing on the face of the earth, and when we do get intense an dit gets to the part where I should be reciprocating, it just... stops. It's really frustrating for both of us, I think, and I just want to not have to worry
Member # 20094
posted 10-14-2009 07:27 PM
Have you thought about possibly bringing this up with your therapist, forspecial? Since this does seem to be tied to your anxiety, they would actually be the ideal person to talk to, and may have some advice for helping you deal with this aspect of it specifically.