T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 108556
posted 09-27-2013 10:50 PM
Hi there, Scarleteen staff and volunteers. I'm a new member here and I would really like to say thank you in behalf of all us scared young men and women who come running in a panic at the first scare. Thank you for your patience and your kindness in guiding us.
This will be a jumble of words and thoughts, i'm sorry. Let's just say that my ex and I had engaged in unprotected non-penetrative sex a few months back (April). This was my first and only sexual experience. He never went in because I wouldn't let him. I remember he was dry, never ejaculated, but he masturbated a an hour before and urinated after. I waited two weeks to test for the pregnancy kit, which was negative and my period also arrived. Being the paranoid I am, I still tested again, still negative. My periods also all arrived the following months. Ever since we did that act, I have been wracked with guilt. We're both the same age (21 years old) but he was married and he had a child. Yes, in short, I had an affair with a married man. It drove me to the point of feeling so useless, wicked and scared that I finally broke up with him. I was a virgin back then. Would I still be called a virgin now? Now, I'm in a new "relationship". He lives at the opposite end of the world from me, 10,000km in fact. We talk and chat regularly. I'm not sure what to call it since we both really care for each other, but I didn't want him to call me his girlfriend... since I feel so unworthy for him. He's genuinely the kindest, most honest man I know. I recently told him what happened back then and he told me he still loves me whatever would happen. I trust him on that. My period is now 5 days late but I've reason to believe I am not pregnant, thanks to your various links (Pregnancy Scared, Chicken Soup)..but the anxiety and guilt are killing me. And I'm embarrassed to say that I would need constant reassurance to feel better. I don't have anyone else to talk to where I'm from since I feel so ashamed and my family would literally disown me if I got pregnant or even just by knowing what acts I did with him. I've read that overthinking a pregnancy would cause somatic symptoms. I actually tried ballottement, trying to figure out if indeed I was pregnant, I would be 5 months along and I can feel the baby's outline. (Yes, I am that paranoid.) My stomach feels harder and it definitely feels very bloated. Do I take another pregnancy test or am I safe to conclude that it's only my anxiety causing all these fears? I'm related to the medical field, and I'm familiar with all these but sometimes even my own fears and anxiety and guilt are too much to handle. Can you give me any advice please? Thank you so much. [ 09-27-2013, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: tokkiogirl ]
Member # 25425
posted 09-28-2013 06:05 AM
Welcome to Scarleteen, tokkiogirl. I am sorry you are feeling so upset.
It sounds like you already know that you have not had a pregnancy risk. What I am hearing from your post, however, is that most of your anxiety is caused by your guilt over the sexual activity you engaged in. So, if you want, we can help you sort out how you feel about what happened, and how you can work through it and move on from feeing so unhappy.
Member # 108556
posted 09-28-2013 07:08 AM
I'm sorry for adding to all your troubles, and I honestly appreciate your effort in helping me.
Yes, I do think it's the anxiety which is making me feel this way. I've been raised in a typical Asian family where you need to work really hard and please your parents and I feel sick to my bones thinking about what I did and how I could've ruined my future. Whenever I talk about it with my current significant other, he tells me not to worry...but I honestly can't help it. I'm trying to stop myself from reading online testimonials about how they still got menstrual bleedings when pregnant and this super late period is making me freak out even more. I tell myself that it's virtually impossible, but there's still that horrible feeling of doubt. I honestly do feel so, so guilty. I came so close to ruining a family and ruining my life. And I'm so sorry for venting this out here but my panicking is out of control.
Member # 90293
posted 09-28-2013 08:12 AM
There's a lot to unravel here. First of all, I think, is to help you relieve some of these panicked feelings. Have you been taking care of your physical and emotional self? Most of us can stand to do more of that, so here are some ideas for self-care: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/selfcare_a_la_carte You've said here that you've tried to stop reading online testimonials. I strongly suggest that you not just try, but that you firmly decide that you're not going to read those anymore. They're clearly contributing to your panic. What's more: You have no proof that they're accurate. Since, biologically, menstrual periods can't continue during pregnancy, that part of what you've been reading is decidedly *not* accurate. So, do you think that you can decide to stop reading those things? If necessary, when you find yourself going towards them, you can say to yourself, out loud, "stop" and intentionally find something else to read or do to replace searching for them. You know, one of the primary things that can delay periods is stress. So, considering how much stress it sounds like you've been under, I think that's a plausible explanation for why this period hasn't shown up yet. I hear you voicing a lot of upset and guilt over not only the sexual activity but the fact that you engaged in a relationship with a married man. I'm hearing you voice that this shame has you feeling really awful about yourself. You've also said that you don't feel worthy of your current partner/friend/whatever you'd like to call him. Not feeling worthy of someone can put a huge strain on a relationship. We believe around here that relationships are based on equality between partners. I'm wondering: as wonderful as this person is, with all of the emotional fall-out from your last relationship you're dealing with, how ready do you feel for a new relationship? Understand, this isn't me saying that the solution to your issues is to end or change this relationship. I just wanted to put that out there as something to think about, and to talk about if you'd like.
Member # 90293
posted 09-28-2013 08:17 AM
you've said that you came so close to ruining a family (do you mean your family?) and your life. While becoming pregnant would carry with it a lot of baggage, both in terms of decisions to be made and family reactions to deal with, it wouldn't, all by itself, have signaled the ruin of your life. Change, things not happening the way one planned them out, isn't ruin. Understand, I'm putting that out there as a start to a different way of looking at this, not as a way of saying that you could be pregnant--because, at this point, you really couldn't be.