T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 108699
posted 10-17-2013 06:57 PM
Hi there. My name is EJ and I'm 20 years old from the United States. A little over a month ago I had my first sexual encounter. It wasn't forced, and no penetration occurred, it was just dry humping. I had on clothes, as he did, which is why I'm concerned that I'm having such a rough time with this. He asked me to give him manual sex, but I stopped after my hand made contact with him..
I have read all of your articles numerous times and I am aware I have no risk of pregnancy, yet for some odd reason that won't leave my mind. I'm educated and this kind of embarrasses me that I have this underlying fear/paranoia occurring.. Some days it isn't so bad and others I am wondering what's wrong with me and why is this making me so scared. I wasn't sure if you had any advice as to help my situation. I'm not posting for you to tell me there's no risk, because I know that, it's just something is leaving me uneasy and I'm not too happy. I just feel like I'm 20 years old and most people participate in these kinds of activities... and then there is me who is barely dealing with the aftermath of barely doing anything. Thank you so much for taking time to read this.
Member # 20094
posted 10-17-2013 07:15 PM
Hey EJ, welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you're freaking out so much about pregnancy from this. We actually have a new article on this very topic, and reading through it might give you some ideas about why you're so concerned:
You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are?
Member # 107716
posted 10-17-2013 07:22 PM
Hi there EJ! And welcome to the boards!
First of all I want to say that there is no timeline for anyone to participate in these (or any) kind of activities. Just because you are 20 doesn't mean you have to be ready to do anything. That said, here is a very good article that might help you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/youre_not_pregnant_why_do_you_think_you_are Hope it helps! [ 10-17-2013, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Edith_* ]
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2013 10:01 AM
Can I ask, EJ, how you felt about this emotionally?
In other words, you say it was consensual, but what that doesn't really tell me is if it was very much wanted, if it happened with someone with whom you felt very comfortable and excited about, if the interpersonal dynamics during this experience were those that felt good for you, etc. I ask that because sometimes if we don't feel okay, or if we feel conflicted, for other reasons about a sexual experience, then those feelings can certainly linger, and we can attach them to other, less rational, things or places, like to a pregnancy risk with activities we know don't pose any risk of pregnancy.
Member # 108699
posted 10-18-2013 10:03 AM
Thank you both for sending me the link to that article. I guess I participated in something I wasn't ready for and that is most likely the root of this problem. I'm also thinking about getting evaluated to see if I have an anxiety disorder from reflecting on past experiences. I know I am an adult now and I should be able to see a therapist without my parents input, it's just a topic that I don't want to discuss with them..
Thank you Edith for saying just because I'm 20 I don't have to be ready to do anything. I guess being in college there is this unspoken pressure to do what everyone else is doing, and I'm seeing that isn't something I should be concerned about. I'm just upset, and this message board is basically the only place I have to turn to.
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2013 10:12 AM
You also may want to bear in mind that people's perceptions and ideas of what "everyone else" is doing sexually often don't square with reality. They also often tend to be mostly focused on what that person, themselves, is NOT doing or doesn't want to do. We've got a lot of studies on this -- what's called "pluralistic ignorance" -- and we know that college sexual behavior is somewhere we tend to particularly see a lot of it.
Are many people who are 20, and who have sexual opportunities they want, exploring sex with partners? Yes, they are. Is that everyone? Nope. There are still lots of people at that age -- at any age over it, as well -- who, for a whole host of reasons, are not.
Member # 108699
posted 10-18-2013 11:11 AM
Sorry Heather! I did not even see your first response before I replied. I at first thought it was a fine idea. I had known the kid for a little while and it seemed to be alright, but the next day I knew it was something that wasn't going to sit right with me. I tried to talk to him about it, yet he just said he was confused as to why I felt that way. Granted, we did not have sex, but I figured because we were intimate that it was alright to tell him I was feeling uneasy. I, of course, did not say anything about a pregnancy worry to him because I know that is just my mind and not a possibility. I did not let him finger me though, and that seems to solidify that I must not have been okay with the situation when it was happening.
I just leave myself wondering if I would have known him longer or if he was my boyfriend, would I be feeling this way? It's all so confusing to me, and rather stressful although it shouldn't be.
Member # 101745
posted 10-18-2013 05:56 PM
Sometimes it can be hard to know how we'll feel about being intimate with a particular partner, or in a particular situation, before it happens. I'm sorry to hear that you weren't happy with it after the fact, and that this guy didn't really seem to want to talk about your worries afterwards. =(
Some folks do feel more comfortable being sexual only with people they know well or are dating, vs. in more casual contexts, and some don't; you could certainly decide to get to know someone a little better in the future to see if that helps. This article might be helpful in thinking about having sex/other types of physical intimacy in the future: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist On the subject of therapy or seeing someone about your anxiety, since you mentioned that you're in college you could see if there are services available through your school. Many colleges and universities offer free or low-cost counseling for students that's confidential.
Member # 108699
posted 10-19-2013 06:39 PM
Thank you for the kind words Molias. I've been continuing to read articles and trying to put my mind at ease. I'm also trying to find some counseling at my college, I feel like that would be beneficial in my case.
I really just hope I'll become comfortable with these activities sooner than later, because I really didn't think I wasn't ready and for some reason I'm just not.