T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 100164
posted 11-14-2012 04:54 PM
Um. This is going to be very long and very frank. I am 21 and I've been confused about this *forever*. I really, really need some advice. I've been searching since I was 15 or so.
To start off: I don't get turned on. I'll look at someone, who I know is aesthetically pleasing, and I can see that they look nice, but I feel no sexual attraction towards them. Actually, I'm not sure how that feels. Everyone seems to get this big reaction when seeing someone good looking, and I don't. What does that feel like? I don't get turned on by other things either. I can watch porn, or read erotic literature, and I don't feel anything. I might check my pants and realize it's gotten a bit wet (now that I've started taking the pill), but that's all. And the wetness doesn't even keep coming. Also, masturbation doesn't feel good. I've tried absolutely everything. I've been masturbating since I was 11. it feels more like a release of tension, rather than anything pleasurable. I might get the thought in my head to masturbate more often around my period. When masturbating it either feels like touching skin, or a sensation, but it isn't strong and I can't classify it as pleasure (although it isn't pain, either). I do try to focus on the clitoris, so that's not it either. (see, I've been reading all the answers for so long I can predict them!) When I Orgasm (I think??) all it is is my vaginal muscles contracting a bit. No pleasure, no muscle movement anywhere else. I don't flush before or after, I don't sweat, there is no after glow. I'm really confused about this. I have tried everything. I've used mirrors, figured out where all the bits are, tried pillows, rubbing this way or that way....and a lot more. I usually use an electronic toothbrush, because as it isn't pleasurable anyway, it works faster so the tension is gone faster. I had a boyfriend for awhile, and he did try a little bit of touching, but that never felt good either, so it's not that I'm one of those people who can only experience pleasure with others. I'm also on prozac. I've been on prozac for five years, and before that others. So my whole teenage years. I know it can cause issues with libido, but I don't really know what that means. I'm unsure if it causes the lack of pleasure too, or what? I'm weaning off it and so far nothing has changed. I'm absolutely terrified and have been for a long time that I've either A. Messed up any chances of pleasurable sex through the medicine during puberty, B. Messed it up by using the electronic toothbrush. or C. I'm for some reason asexual, which I think I have ruled out. I just really need advice, I've been so scared over this, and I have no female friends to talk to, and I've always been embarrassed to talk to my mom about this. Any thoughts, help and advice would be much appreciated. I've been feeling really depressed and abnormal about this. I feel like I'm broken, and it's scary. [ 11-14-2012, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: Confusedanonymous ]
Member # 3
posted 11-14-2012 05:53 PM
SSRIs, and some brands more than others -- Prozac is a biggie for this -- certainly can have an impact on people's desire for sex, arousal and other aspects of sexual response. But any or all of this may or may not have anything to do with that. Even if it does, that impact isn't going to be anything permanent. In other words, if any of this is about the Prozac, it's because you have been taking it. Any side effects like this due to it will go away in time if you are not taking it anymore.
I'm happy to help you try and figure this out though, including if your medication might be playing a part here. So, all the things you're describing here: have they always been like this for you? In other words, did you feel similarly before starting Prozac? Can I also ask why you're ruling out asexuality for yourself? I'm not saying you are, since we are just starting this conversation and I'm not really seeing anything to give me any guesses about your sexual orientation, period. But since you are describing some things common for people who do ID as asexual, I'm wondering if you might fill me in on why you've riled that out, and if that might give us both some clues, too.
Member # 100164
posted 11-15-2012 10:02 AM
I'm fairly certain I like both men and women. I look to look at them both, and I've enjoyed thinking about them. I've always been a bit interested, and I remember being in middle school and liking to look at girls.
I'm not sure how things were before, because I started taking depression meds when I was 12. I can't remember much about when I was 11, (when I started masturbating, and that was just because I was messing about with the toothbrush on different parts of my body. Arms, legs, vagina, eyebrows...) Thank you for replying.
Member # 3
posted 11-15-2012 11:24 AM
Asexuality is a new term (in this particular use) and a new framework, so definitions can vary, but on the whole, most folks who ID as asexual define it as not feeling desire to be sexual with others; not feeling excited by being sexual with others; not feeling sexually attracted to others.
When you say you like to look at people and have enjoyed thinking about them, are we talking sexually? In your initial post, it didn't sound like it, but I may be misunderstanding, and want to be sure I understand. Given the timing with the meds, and the fact that it is Prozac specifically (one of two often most associated with big sexual side effects), I wonder: have you ever had a talk with your prescribing physician about any of this? If so, what did they have to say about it? When you say nothing turns you on, do you mean nothing, period, or nothing externally? I ask for a couple reasons: one, if you're experiencing orgasm, then some kind of desire and arousal is happening. Two, sometimes nothing external WILL turn us on -- which probably has something to do with how one-note a lot of those options can be -- but lour own imaginations and what they come up with can. Can I ask what your experiences with that have been? Can I also ask why, if masturbating hasn't felt good or like anything, it's something it sounds like you still do? In other words, it sounds like it offers you something, so I'm thinking talking about what it offers you might help us out here.
Member # 100164
posted 11-15-2012 11:57 AM
I do think about people sexually, but it's more because I *want* to feel something, than me actually feeling something, if that makes sense. I *want* to be a sexual person and have sexual experiences, it's just hard figuring all this out.
I did talk with my doctor about it recently, and she said that it can cause issues with libido. That's all she said though, and i felt a bit shy going further. Nothing period. I do fantasize quite a bit, and I know what i like to think about. it's just that what I mentally enjoy thinking about doesn't match up with what my vagina seems to be thinking. Meaning, while my brain says "Thats a nice thought." My bits say nothing. Sort of like imagining happy things, like cuddling with a puppy, but dirtier. It feels the same. Also, some thoughts do make the orgasm come quicker. I masturbate because I think maybe one day something will be different. Plus, before my period I get the *thought* to masturbate more. Not an urge, just a thought. Plus, it relieves muscle tension. Afterwards the muscles are just *slightly* looser all over my body. Plus it relieves cramps, even if the orgasm bit and everything else doesn't really work. My sexuality/ Sexualness s really confusing. I wish this was easier.
Member # 3
posted 11-15-2012 12:06 PM
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with it.
I think that whatever efforts you can make to try and let go of concerns about being "normal" -- especially given how diverse sexuality is, so any ideas of there even being a "normal" are often off-base -- or about things "not working" would help a lot. It seems to me that those feelings are really the biggest thing causing you grief here. My own experience working in sexuality with people is that when people can basically make peace with whatever their sexuality is at a given time in their lives, or has been, that nearly any sexuality or sexual experience can feel okay. In other words, when people can let go of an attachment to the sexuality they want, or feel is "normal," and instead start to discover what their own sexuality is and accept that, they tend to do a lot better. It still is sounding to me like you're voicing some thoughts that are in alignment with asexual identities. At the same time, I think it can be easy to forget -- or just not know -- that someone your age simply still may not have discovered what really works for them, what they really want, or have sexuality be such a high-key thing. Not only are we all different in those ways, the very early 20s is actually often someone still in puberty. I know that when other people move along "faster" in the kind of sexuality or sex lives a lot of people consider normative, it can be tough to see that, but still, that could be what's going on here, too. same goes not only for your medication, but for depression, period. All by itself, medicated or not, depression often puts a real damper on sexual feelings and response. So, if you don't feel comfortable talking with your doctor about your depression, meds and sexuality, might you be able to switch to another doctor where you do feel able to have in-depth conversations about that? You also mention that you have had one boyfriend, but have potential interest in women, as well. To sort out if this may be related to orientation, do you find that when you fantasize, anything different happens when you fantasize about men vs. women? You say some thoughts get you to orgasm more quickly, and those are probably the thoughts you are thus, finding the most arousing and exciting: might you clue me in on what those are?
Member # 100164
posted 11-15-2012 02:35 PM
It can be pretty hard. I don't have any female friends so I'm not sure where their at, but the guys have it pretty well figured out.
I've just started seeing a therapist, and my second visit is next week. I think I'd be more comfortable talking to her about these things, but I still feel pretty shy. Nothing really different happens with Men vs. Women. except I think about different things. I more think about them doing sexual things, rather than doing sexual things with them. I tend to think about pretty kinky things, really. Toys and the like, and maybe even a little bit of bd/sm. I dunno. I completely forgot to add, I do like anal stimulation. That does feel rather nice. Thanks for talking to me, and helping me out here. I'm already feeling a bit better. [ 11-15-2012, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Confusedanonymous ]