T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-15-2011 04:27 PM
As I may have already mentioned in prior posts, my boyfriend suffers from an Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks. He has recently gone into the hospital because of this (he had had two panic attacks in rapid succession and he was only deteriorating). I have very supportive parents who are no stranger to mental health issues and hospitals. In talking to my dad and my friends (including the ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend who was dating him while he was in the hospital the first time)I have made many realizations. I also spoke to the nurse who is assigned to my boyfriend (while she is working) She is an amazing woman, I am glad he can talk to her and I was blessed to be able to talk to her. I spoke to her for reasons I'd rather not disclose, but I will disclose that I discussed my intentions to break up with my boyfriend with her. I have realized how dependent on me my boyfriend has become. This has occurred for many reasons and it is my fault just as much as it is his fault and just as much as neither of us is completely to blame. I have realized that being in a caregiver role in this relationship is having an immense toll on me, both emotionally and in other aspects of my life. I can handle him having anxiety and panic attacks and anything else he has. I cannot handle him not being able to support himself emotionally. From my talks with his ex, I know he was dependent on her while they dated as well and it was the reason they broke up. I have so many things going for me in my life, I am completing a prestigious award, I am a club president in my school, a leadership figure for grade nines through an organization in my school. I take part in choir and occasionally in art club. I love to read, and I am a straight A student. In just the past week I have not felt like doing any of these things because of my feelings of obligation towards my boyfriend. I have hit a breaking point and I cannot continue with the relationship. It is not healthy for either of us. I am going to speak to him tomorrow in the hospital. His actions are not my responsibility, but his and hard as it may be, I am not going to let myself feel responsible for them any more. I told him today, that when I came tomorrow we had a difficult and long conversation to have. He was very upset by this and asked me to come in tonight to talk to him about it. I told him no and refused to tell him what was wrong, telling him that it is not something I will not discuss over the phone. The staff at the hospital, if they are all like the one nurse I met, are amazing. I told him to talk to the nurses (he doesn't yet know I was in talking to them, I'm telling him that part tomorrow). I have felt so many emotions while working through this, many emotions I didn't even know I had. I have never felt so upset. Talking to him tomorrow will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life (right behind the hardest, admitting to myself and those I talked to, that breaking up is best). When I talk to him, it's like nothing has changed between us, and nothing has yet; I'm the one who has changed. I'm worried about tomorrow. He is my best friend in the entire world, and tomorrow I am going to lose my best friend (because of our dependent relationship and him being a mental health consumer, I have to step back from him completely and have no contact with him, perhaps one day when he is able to support himself we can be friends, I don't want to step back, but because I love him I am going to). I don't want to lose my best friend but if I keep my best friend, I will (as I have already started to) lose myself. One must look out for one's self first. I can't be with him. He can't be with me. When I see him, I will tell him this and more. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from you. I just needed in this moment to write it down. I have talked about it so much that I am getting sick of it and yet I can't stop. Any advice, comments or concerns are welcome, but not necissary. I know that it will get better.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-15-2011 04:54 PM
Well, if it helps, it sounds to me like you're making the healthiest choice you can with this for the both of you, not even just for yourself. And of course, it also sounds tremendously hard and sad, too. It never fails to seriously suck when our best choice also happens to be our hardest or one of them. Reading all of this, I really admire your process in this, your clarity, and the way you're working hard to stand up for yourself and what you know -- even if you don't like -- is better for both of you. Is there anything we can do or say to help you go into tomorrow feeling better able to handle this, including his reaction and your feelings about it, beyond letting you know we're certainly around if you need to talk about that?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-15-2011 06:43 PM
Thank you. It helps to know that I have here to come to talk as well. If nothing else comes from all that has gone on, I know that I have an immense and useful support network. I think that I have just about all that I need (emotionally and otherwise) for tomorrow. Of course, anything that you have to say is more than welcome. I don't know whether he will end up hating me, loathing me, or loving me more after tomorrow or something else all together. No one, not even he can know, until tomorrow has happened. I have pretty much come to terms with not knowing how he will react. In fact, I've come to terms with a lot of this. I have had as good a day today as I think I can in the midst of this. I'm so glad that his nurse suggested I take the weekend before talking to him, I was sick of talking about it that day and it wouldn't have been conductive to closure to have a discussion when I wasn't really feeling like talking. Tomorrow will be really, really hard. But I know, just from how good (or good comparatively) I have felt today, that I am doing the best thing I can. He will always be my first boyfriend, my first kiss and my first love. I haven't cried very much today. I think I got a lot of crying out of me in the days leading up to today, and I anticipate a lot of crying tomorrow. Come to think of it, I do have a question (and it's a long one) : I have in various places, written down my feelings about this. I'm considering giving him these things along with talking to him. I am planning to tell him EVERYTHING that I am able to, everything I have posted on here and everything I haven't. I am considering this because, in the heat of the moment, it is often harder to express things the way one would have liked to have. I have come away from many of the discussions about this thinking, 'darn, I wish I'd said/asked about/ expressed that', and I do not want to come away from tomorrow feeling that way. I also feel that it is only fair to him to let him know everything. One thing that his ex seemed to regret, or at least note, is that she didn't tell him a lot of things when she broke up. She didn't tell him that he had become dependent on her, she didn't tell him how she felt about the relationship (what it had become). She didn't tell him the toll it was taking on her. A lot of the things she described about the dependence in their relationship were identical or very similar to the things going on now in ours. I think part of why our relationship because dependent, at least from his side of it, is because he never knew that his prior one had been. It is also fair to my boyfriend for him to have a complete explanation, a better explanation than I feel I will be able to give him in words, when I'm crying because this may be the last time I see my best friend - ever. The question condensed: should I give him these things; bearing in mind that some of them, such as this post, were not written for him, and that others, such as the start of a letter to him, were intended for him I would not give him, if I gave him this post, the site address because then I would lose my anonymity. I have another question: tomorrow, is it okay to kiss him and hug him and tell him how much I love him? None of it would be a lie and I think I might need it for closure. I have no idea how he will feel about doing those things once we talk, but if he wants to : is it okay to kiss him one last time and tell him that this is because I love him? EDIT: I pressed refresh on my computer, and it recalled to an earlier time when I hadn't fully typed the message, fortunately I saved it on a word document [ 10-15-2011, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-15-2011 08:08 PM
I'm sorry, I know it's taboo to double post, but I am actually finding that I need some support from some of you on here right now. Could someone please respond to this post, I visit him early in the morning tomorrow and I need some support. (I understand, however, if no one gets to this. Having anyone respond is a privilege and I know there are others who need your help).
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-16-2011 09:20 AM
moonlight, I'm so sorry no one was here to get back to you: after those last two posts. Today is the day I'm taking off for the week, but I'm here now, and can keep an eye out for you for another hour in case it's not too late.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-16-2011 10:55 AM
Thanks. I talked to him and broke up with him. I don't need to talk right now, but I'll write some more when I do. Thank you.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 02:49 PM
I have so many conflicting emotions right now. But when I take all the parts and let the positives and negatives cancel each other out, I'm pretty sure that what I'm left with is positive. But I can't stop thinking about him. I want to know how he is. He has a friend whom I know (who is an adult, but a friend nonetheless). This friend went to visit him in the hospital because (with my now ex boyfriend's approval) I sent a message to him letting him know what was going on. This friend is a good, good man. He has his own mental health challenges that he has and still does face, so he is a very good person for my ex (how awful it feels to type ex- he doesn't feel like that!) to be friends with as knows where he's at right now. This friend is very caring and he and I chatted (online) about all of this. He told me that if I ever needed to talk to him I could. My question is: is it alright to ask this friend how my ex is doing? My ex had been planning to leave the hospital far sooner than he would have been able to accomplish anything in. I told him when we were breaking up that I didn't feel that he was giving himself enough time and that he should stay until he doesn't need to be there anymore. The time he had planned to be gone for has come and passed. I just want to know whether he took my advice or not. It's only been two days, it's really hard to not think about these things anymore.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 02:54 PM
My best advice is to give yourself space away from this relationship for right now. You've ended it, and part of dealing with that is grieving as you need to and being away from it. Asking others how your ex is doing so soon strikes me as being a diversion from that. It also seems to me like something that could get in the way right at the gate of you taking what seemed to be a very healthy step away from codependency, you know? Same goes, I'd say, with letting go of investment in whether or not this person did or didn't take your advice. It's out of your hands now. (So sorry I wasn't around the other night, btw. I'm usually not here evenings since I work here all day.)
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 03:30 PM
Yeah, I know what you're saying. The cold had logical part of me knows that that is best. I haven't asked this friend of his about him yet (other than that day we talked, but that was the day that I had broken up with him). But the emotional part of me still loves him and cares about him and wants to make sure he is okay. I'm having trouble letting go. I know that part of this is time. I was in a relationship with him for ten months and I've only been single for 2 days since that relationship. It's hard though, really really hard. I felt (but knew the poor odds) that we'd be together forever. he was my first boyfriend. He is the first person I ever did anything sexual with. He is the first person (other than family) that I said I love you to. I hate feeling this way. I hate it. I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him. I'm reviewing the relationship in my mind. Everything that once seemed good seems bad now. I find it hard to know how things really were when they were. I keep looking for the point when things went wrong, but there is no point, only the point at which realization that things are wrong occurred. I hate feeling this way. I miss him.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 03:38 PM
Might it help to realize that asking about if he's okay makes no difference with IF he is? I totally feel you in this being hard. A first breakup from someone with all those first things can be GINORMOUS and terribly painful. That's all very real, and of course it's raw: this is brand new. And it's a process, one which takes time. But you sounded awfully clear about what you thought was best for both of you here, and those all sounded like really smart, sound choices to me. In other words, I agreed with you. Now part of what you have to do is continue to give those things weight and honor the choice you made here, for both your sakes, by following it through. What are you doing to take care of yourself as you start this process and have just had a breakup?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 05:22 PM
What exactly do you mean by process? As per taking care of myself I'm not really sure what to do. I have a lot of extracurriculars going on right now so I'm throwing myself into those. I have a leadership workshop coming up this weekend and I'm glad that I have that to do, rather than sitting at home all weekend doing nothing. The workshop is all weekend, and I really enjoyed it when I attended last year. I might need to talk to someone, in person. i know my parents are available, but I just don't want to talk to them. I could talk to a friend, but I don;t know when or where or how I'd do that. I'm just not very close with my friends and I'm not really used to talking about things like this with anyone. I have one friend that I know would be willing to talk, but the kind of advice she gives, while well intended, just isn't what I need right now. I'm not really sure how to take care of myself in all of this, because I don't know what taking care of myself would look like. And I know that asking whether he's okay has no bearing on whether he is; it's just that I want to know because then I can stop worrying (although really, I won't.) There's still a part of me that wants to get back together with him, or hopes he calls, or that I see him in the mall whenever he is out of the hospital. I know that that isn't best. That is why I haven't sent a message asking how he is. But it does't make it any easier and I'm not sure how to deal with just how difficult it is.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 05:25 PM
I mean that it takes time to get over a relationship we have left or lost, to heal and to move forward. It's not something that happens overnight, or even over a few days. Sounds, too, like you've potentially been so wrapped up in this person's care for so long you've not put the same time into finding out how to care for you. Now seems like just the time to start exploring that, you know? Maybe in dealing with now knowing how he is, we can figure out what you're looking for with that. For instance, is this about feeling guilty? Thinking if you find out he's okay, you can feel less guilt? or maybe more right about your choice? Is it about thinking that without you, he simply will not get care he needs, that he really won't be okay without you as a caretaker, and you are earnestly worried he will be in some kind of real danger?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 05:41 PM
quote: Originally posted by Heather: Maybe in dealing with now knowing how he is, we can figure out what you're looking for with that. For instance, is this about feeling guilty? Thinking if you find out he's okay, you can feel less guilt? or maybe more right about your choice? Is it about thinking that without you, he simply will not get care he needs, that he really won't be okay without you as a caretaker, and you are earnestly worried he will be in some kind of real danger? (I think it may have been a typo on your part, but it sounds like you think I know how he is. I don't). I think that it is a little bit of all of that. I feel really guilty. I feel slightly less so having broken up with him, but I feel guilty all the same. I also still have mixed emotions about my decision. I know it was best, but it still hurts. I am also worried about how he will do without me. I'm very worried about that in fact. But if I know he is in the hospital, I know he is getting better help than I could possible give him. If not, I just don't know. I've spent so much time in the relationship that it's a bit like the adjustment period after a vacation. I'm not used to the way my life is when I don't have a boyfriend. I need to readjust to being me essentially. I'm so used to spending so much time with him, calling him, hanging out with him etc that it feels weird not to be.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 06:21 PM
Sorry, now = not. So, to try and sort out the guilt, guilt is usually a feeling that we should be doing something we aren't, or should not be doing something we are. A strong feeling, big stuff. So, what it is you think you feel you should or should not have done? Also, do you want to be this person's caretaker? Sounded to me like you did not. But when you say you think you should contact them because you don't think they will take care of themselves if you don't (not because no one else will support them, but because they refuse to care for themselves or ask others for help), it makes clear that you either feel, or it is so, that THAT is the relationship you can have with this person, and probably not anything like a partnership of equals. If so, then here's what I'd inject into that: enabling doesn't help people. It only holds them back. So, if you set things up so he doesn't have to take care of himself or get help from anyone but you, he won't. And it may well be that he didn't because of that setup, and it may also be that now he WILL take better care of himself because he has to do it now, not you. Know what I mean?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 06:58 PM
Yes. I see what you mean. As per the guilt, I feel like I should have noticed sooner that I was in a caregiver role in the relationship. I feel like I should have realized and fixed it. I still feel like I should be able to fix it. (And feeling that way doesn't mean I'm going to or I even, logically think it plausible) No. I don't want to be his caregiver. I think that that is certainly the only kind of relationship that I could have with him right now. I'm struggling with feeling what I know. It's hard to know that he knows so many things about me, that I have told him so many things that no one else knows. I'm not really sure where all of my struggles with this are coming from. I think most of it is raw as you said. I just hate missing him, I hate knowing that I will never lie in his arms again.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 07:04 PM
You know, you realized it when you did. That really is all you can ask of yourself. And when you realized it, you made some hard changes that were, in my mind, very sound decisions in both of your best interest. That, to me, is as good as it gets. It's really hard when the possibility of something goes away, like the possibility of having things feel right again in a relationship where...well, they stopped feeling that way. It is sad, and it is hard. And it is also painful to miss someone: just because we know a relationship isn't right for us anymore doesn't mean we won't miss it or the person we were in it with. I think one thing I would just try and get to, for you, is to start to look into how much of this is about codependence, okay? Because when we really are that way, we can get SO locked into being that other person's world, and can feel we miss them when, in fact, we miss THAT, even though it's not good for us. In some ways, life can be a little easier when what we're all about is what someone else wants and needs or about being a caretaker. Sometimes finding out what we want and need, and going after that, can be even more challenging. That, mind, may be something down the line, not for now. But I do suspect that's some of the feeling of longing you're having. It happens with dynamics like this.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 10-18-2011 07:46 PM
I think you are absolutely right about all of that. I can see as well where figuring out what I want and need is something for further down the line. But where do I go from here? Is just doing anything that I would have otherwise been doing, other than those things involving my ex, enough? I suppose, in a way I know the answer; I need to live and be and observe my life. I need to relearn and perhaps recreate who I am. I need time and well, there's only one way to get what you need through time, to live it.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 10-18-2011 08:02 PM
I don't know about you, but while getting to that point certainly isn't something that happened in an easy way, that sounds like a lot of pretty exciting stuff to be able to start doing for and with yourself, no? In terms of where to get started, maybe start with tony joy comforts? In other words, what are some small things -- maybe a walk in this given place, or this kind of food, whatever -- that you simply enjoy? What those are are some tools in your take-care-of-me-toolkit.