T O P I C R E V I E W
georgiexx
Member # 51769
posted 07-24-2011 12:35 PM
my mum always says to me things like "sex is the glue in a relationship" and "if you dont want to have sex you shouldn't be in a relationship with a man". she firmly believes this, and shows me articles and agony aunt responses in magazines that back her up. I've told her that these people are wrong, and they are not reliable sources to be using to back up her point. She won't listen though, she even once said to me "why did she get married if she doesn't like sex" when I showed her an article about a lady who does not enjoy it. My mum said that if you don't have sex, what more can you expect but for your partner to cheat. it angers me because she won't listen. then when i get frustrated she asks me why I am getting so angry! I know sex is important for a lot of people, but it doesn't necessarily bring people closer, improve relationships, and it's not always vital, am I correct? If both people in the relationship are OK with the dynamics then there isn't a problem? I said this to her and she said "but what about the man? they need sex. they need it so they can get a release. if they don't get it with you they will go somewhere else" this is so sexist to me and it's so frustrating, she's one of those people who think that mean and women and COMPLETELY different and men NEED sex while women don't and all that. This isn't related to my issues with my ex by the way, it's just in general. Would you be able to respond with something, explaining why what she is saying is not really correct? So I can show her, because i'm terrible at articulating my words and i'm getting frustrated with her saying it all the time.She's always going on about 'giving' men what they need. but you don't give someone sex, it's something you do together. she just showed me an agony aunt problem and answer in 'The Times'. These are a few quotes in the reply. the problem was sent in by a man who is not satisfied with his sex life and his wife doesn't seem interested. "Sex is the glue that holds people together. it doesn't have to happen very often, but it does have to be an intimate, meaningful and satisfying exchange that leaves couples feeling closer" "Without that connection it is simply impossible to sustain a happy and healthy relationship, so it is difficult to understand how you have survived in this marriage for 38 years." "your greatest mistake appears to have been forging ahead with a marriage to a woman with the sexual responses of a stone." "you appear to be a man who has chosen to live a life of compromise rather than to assert your need for a physical relationship." she then suggest he see a shrink so he can discover what he really wants out of life and why he is staying this marriage, and says he does not need his wife's permission because: "She has, i believe relinquished the right to have much of a say in anything that you do at this point" I don't know if im being over sensitive, it just seemed a bit like she is blaming the wife and she has refused to 'give' her husband what he 'needs'.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 07-24-2011 01:53 PM
Well, let's get past the obvious stuff first which it seems like you already know, even if your mum doesn't yet: 1) Tabloids and most women's mags are not good places to get sound or sensitive information, especially about things as complex as human sexuality and interpersonal relationships. 2) A lot of advice columns are the way they are -- pithy, oversimplistic, provocative -- because that's what editors want, as that's what sells papers/mags. Really sound, in-depth and sensitive information simply doesn't sell in mass media. 3) All relationships are not sexual relationships. There are many relationships in which sex would be the last thing people in them wanted or where it would be healthy or sound for people. 4) Most people have sexual desires of some kind. Most people feel gratified in some way, often physically and emotionally, when they express and explore those desires. That's not just about men or something men have more of. That's about most people of all genders, even though for a long time, men were the ones really putting out all the information and messages about sex, and women's sexuality and wants separate from men was ignored or denied, for the most part, until relatively recently in history. Those first two points aren't much to talk about. But I think it's the third where between you, your Mom, and this agony aunt, we've got places where each of you are probably right, and where each of you are generalizing in a way that isn't sound. We can also revisit the fourth if you like. You and I, georgiexx, we have a relationship. It's hard to know exactly what to call it, but we've been getting to know each other, you clearly have some sense you can depend on me for things, etc. So, it's something along the lines of a relationship about educating, mentoring and counseling. I'm pretty sure you're not feeling any desire for sex with me, and I don't have that for you, either. It really wouldn't be appropriate in our relationship ethically, besides, and I'm pretty sure we don't need it to have the relationship we have and have that relationship be a good one. Same goes with you and your Mom, probably you and at least a few of your friends, etc. "Relationship" doesn't just mean one kind. There are so, so many kinds of relationships. Romantic relationships, sexual relationships, or both are just two kinds, and there are a lot of variations of those two, also. If and when someone wants a sexual relationship, then yes, they are going to want sex (of whatever kind or kinds they want) in that relationship. That's what makes it a sexual relationship. A lot of people consider marriage to automatically be a sexual relationship, or think it's one where sex is required or must be agreed to. For sure, that's how a lot of people do marriage, but it doesn't have to be that way if that's not the way both people in a marriage conceptualize and want to do their marriage. Anyway, if and when someone wants a sexual relationship, and you agree to one, your agreement is going to be understood as you also wanting that. In that kind of agreed-upon relationship it is going to be problematic, probably for at least one person, if not both, if there isn't sex in it or that aspect of that relationship isn't working out. In that column, if this person's wife agreed that she, too, wanted to sign unto a sexual relationship, but later her feelings changed and that's not what she wants anymore, that's okay, but it's also not okay for her to expect that then her partner can just not want that anymore just because she doesn't. So, I'd have been suggesting counseling too, if they are both staying in something that doesn't fit both of their needs anymore. See what I mean? That's not sounding like a situation where both people don't want sex anymore, but like only one person isn't. You're right: if both people in any kind of relationship didn't want to have sex as part of their relationship, then yes: that should be fine, and also should not be an impediment to intimacy and closeness. If it was, all of our friendships would be shallow, so would our relationships with family members, etc.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 08-07-2011 11:15 AM
Hey, georgie: just wanted to check in on you and see how you're doing. Hope you're hanging in there.
georgiexx
Member # 51769
posted 08-08-2011 07:22 PM
hello I'm okay. The first couple of weeks without him was pretty horrible, worst feeling ever. Its been over 3 weeks now, and I'm still sad and I still miss him ALOT but I think i'm handling it sort of well. we have spoken since too, and i have spoken to a few of his friends as well. I saw him a week after we broke up at a bar, and he seemed quite detached and uneasy, but he spoke to me, gave me a sort of half hug and I told him I missed him. He said "yeah, i miss you too...its like, hen i wake up in the morning and i dont see a text from you.." then he made a sad face. then he said we should talk soon, and i said only if he really wanted to and he said he definitely did. I then felt like I was going to cry, but before I did that, i left the bar with my friend and went somewhere else to cry, as I didn't want to in front of him. But before i did that his friend spoke to me, and told me how shocked he was that we had broken up (everyone was really surprised when they found out) and the friend said that he hadnt been acting himself lately. I didn't see him again til the thursday just gone. I know him pretty well, and I can kind of tell when hes panicking. He obviously didnt expect to bump into me. I spoke to his friends, a couple of them said things like, 'res really sad' and another friend who i know said "hes being happy and chatty but every chance he gets to talk about being down, he says hes feeling down" I didnt want to make him feel awkward in any way, and I feel like i've been pretty mature about this whole thing, I'm quite proud of myself. Anyway, I walked outside the pub we were in to have a cigarette, and he was outside, with his friends who I also thought were my friends, but I met them through him and i think they were just trying to be loyal to him and his feelings in a way, because i chirpily said 'hello!" and they didnt really respond, just looked awkward. my ex (it feels so weird calling him that) glanced at me and said 'alright' and quickly turned back and starting talking away, but to me it looked like forced conversation, and it seemed he was panciking, talking and blocking out I wad there because he didn't know what to do. when i got home i re-added him on facebook, to sort of show him that i'm ok, and I'm not trying to be awkward or just deleting him out my life. I thought maybe he didnt speak to me because he thought i didnt want to, as i had unfriended him on facebook. Then on saturday i arranged to go out on a night out with my friend, whose boyfriend is friends with my ex. she said that some of the guys were coming out, but didnt think my ex was coming. I was excited because I hadnt seen them in a while as they were orignally his friends and i thought i had lost them. then later on my friend texted me and said that he was coming, but she didnt mind if i changed my mind because its understandable if i didnt want to go. I was extremely nervous. but i thought that i really don't want him deleted from my life, he was my best friend as my boyfriend, and i did want to see him. but i didnt want to make him feel awkward so i texted him, which was scary! i just said that i hoped he was ok with me coming along, I'm fine with it but didnt want him to feel awkward. i didnt expect a reply but he did, saying he didnt mind and he was going to ask me the same thing and he hopes im good, with a little smiley face at the end. I was pleased, but still really nervous. but when got there, all the nervousness disssapeared and i had such a good night, not just with him but with all of them. he said to me that he didnt want things to be awkward, and he wanted us both to have a good night, I agreed. We chatted, and he seemed so genuinely interested in my life, I told him about the recent volunteer work i've started doing at an animal shelter and he was really interested and asked how it was going. he told me several times in the night how nice i looked (i have lost a bit of weight, brought nice new clothes and changed my hair style and colour and it does look awesome I have to say!) he was very caring and sweet to me all night, like it used to be, minus the fact we were in a relationship. I didn't hover around him all night or anything, I socialised with everyone but he came to me most of the time. my friend said the night before he had told her "i still love her to bits, but i just dont know whats gonna happen" near the end of the night i was quite drunk, but happy. he said to me he still cares a lot about me, he was trying to find taxi numbers for me on his phone and kept asking me if i was ok. he gave me a big hug. he said I looked really nice, again. he said 'i care about you a lot but...these things just happen sometimes" thats when i got sad, because we had such a good nice, and there was still quite obviously a spark between us, we still wanted to be with and near each other. i did cry, but once he had left. but i should be positive really, it was a nice evening, there was no awkwardness or bitterness and we had a good time, we got on so well. he also kept looking at me, alot! but now i am just doing what i did before and giving him space, while having my own space. I'm bound to see him out another night soon. it was almost annoying that he was telling me some of those things because i almost felt like he was giving me false hope, but i'd like to think i know him well, and when he says things like that he really does mean it, however at the same time i shouldnt be letting ti give me false hope. we have broken up, and thats just how it is at the moment. since we have broken up, like I said i've dyed my hair and got new clothes, and i feel a lot better about myself physically. i have made some new friends, some of them are male. which is weird because i have never had male friends in my own right, only ones i've made through my ex. its nice to just have a laugh with guys without there being any romantic/sexual agenda behind it. i've been going out a lot. i've started volunteering because it will help me with my uni course. i sort of think that my ex is depressed. but obviously theres nothing i personally can do about that, but i think it might be a major reason why he ended things.
georgiexx
Member # 51769
posted 08-08-2011 07:24 PM
im really sorry that was really long!!
Heather
Member # 3
posted 08-09-2011 04:19 PM
No apologies needed, I'm glad to hear from you and glad to hear all of what's been up. I can't tell you how nice it is to hear what really sounds like you feeling a lot better, doing better and, even when you're dealing with tough feelings, managing and processing them in a way that sounds SO much less hopeless-feeling than I'd say you've ever sounded when posting here. I'm also really glad to hear what sounds like you starting to be able to see that things that were issues in your relationships were likely things about both of you, not just somehow only about your perceived failings. That's so great!
georgiexx
Member # 51769
posted 08-09-2011 05:15 PM
yeah, i also think it's a good break away from any expectations of sex. but when i saw him, all I wanted to do was grab him and kiss him I guess I still have hope that eventually we will be together again, once he has got himself sorted and so have I. I don't know if it's bad to think that. I'm not sitting and waiting, I am still doing things for myself, but at the same time, missing him like crazy. But I do know this wasn't all my fault, I definitely know he didn't break up with me BECAUSE of me, it was because of how he was feeling. And I know I wasn't feeling great either.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 08-09-2011 05:28 PM
Our feelings rarely radically change about someone when we split up. Those changes take time, sometimes a long time. But there's no good/bad about feelings: we feel what we feel.
georgiexx
Member # 51769
posted 08-10-2011 06:42 PM
I know. At the moment it's pretty depressing though. I miss so many things about him. Thanks for checking up