T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-16-2011 06:41 PM
A bit of background info: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month. He is my first boyfriend. I'm 16 he is 18. He dated a friend of mine for a year and a half. They broke up about a year ago and neither of them were my close friends at that time. Although a bit awkward for myself, the friend is fine with this and it has created no problems for myself or my boyfriend. Additionally this friend was his first serious girlfriend and the first person he kissed (and went as far a manual sex with). My boyfriend and I were friends for a month or two before we got together, but we have known each other (albeit not well until recently) for around 2 years. Neither of our parents, friends, etc have any issue (of which I am aware) with us dating. He knows and is accepting of my bisexuality. My boyfriend and I progressed quickly from kissing to making out to touching breasts and butts to grinding. When it came to kissing, and making out he was the one to initiate it first (but I initiated it later), but I always gave my consent. I was the one to initiate him touching my breasts, and unsure of my signals he asked verbally to verify that I was sure it was okay, it wasn't but I said I was. It was more that I wanted to be, not that I was. I told him this almost immediately and so that was put off the table. He told me he would wait as long as I wanted and needed, and that he too felt that it was a little fast. Then the next time that we were making out, by my initiation we grinded (by this I mean fully clothed genital areas making contact while we humped). We both orgasmed and came. Immediately after he told me that it was too soon. I didn't feel this immediately, but upon reflecting agreed completely. (Oh, and to compound the fact, it was the middle of the night and my parents' deadline for him to be out of the house was 2 hours before this point). Then the following day (which was yesterday) I went over to his house and we talked about all of this. We both agreed that we had been moving too fast and that we were not ready for a lot of what we had been doing. Another problem we discussed was the frequency with which we made out, it was one of the only activities in which we partook. We talked about all the issues we were having and how they were making us feel. We had become the couple that only talked to each other (I haven't hung out with my BFF since my boyfriend and I got together). We only hung out at lunch with the circle of friends we had in common, we were always together. We have agreed to slow our relationship WAAYYY down. We aren't going to do any more than kiss and hold hands for a while and even the kissing we will do less often. We discussed boundaries and which ones we would be ready to expand sooner than others. We discussed (briefly) pregnancy risks and agreed that we did not want to do anything to risk that for a long time and that we would talk before we did. We also agreed that before we did anything new (or that we were holding off on) that we would discuss it in a time before, in a situation where we agreed that it was not going to happen there and then, but at a later date. We agreed to be one hundred percent sure before we partook in any activity. On top of all this, after this highly emotionally straining conversation, my boyfriend's anxiety started bothering him and he had a panic attack. It was the first time I had seen him go through this and I felt completely useless. I did all I could to help him, which mostly consisted of holding him while he cried, listening to him talk, and assuring him that, although there was no exterior force causing the fear he felt that it was real, legitimate and valid, and that although he felt horrible right then, that he always gets through this and that he's going to be alright. I talked to him again today (but this time via the internet, so we could only convey so much without important cues not conveyed by words) and we both agreed that we are really glad to have talked and we both felt a million times better than we had yesterday, but that we both still felt "oogie" (unsure, nervous, confused, worried, etc) about the whole thing. Have we handled this well? How should we handle these conversations / is there more we need to be talking about? How can we both feel better about the situation? Do you have any comments, advice, or anything else to note? Thank you sincerely for you time and effort, I really appreciate it. [ 01-16-2011, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]
Heather
Member # 3
posted 01-16-2011 06:48 PM
It looks to me like you both handled this really beautifully! You seem to have been communicating very well and honestly on both sides, and also really hearing and responding to each other. Rock on! When you ask about how to feel better, and stay you both still feel not-right about this, can you perhaps identify (each of you) what it is you're not feeling right about?
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-16-2011 07:22 PM
It sounds like a fantastic idea to identify what is making us feel this way. I will see my boyfriend tomorrow face-to-face, so I will discuss that with him then. As for myself, right now I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way. I think part of it is that all of these feelings are new so it's a bit scary, I'm used to being familiar with the emotions I am feeling and knowing (to an extent) how to process them, but now, because these feelings are so alien to me, I feel like a stranger to myself. Additionally, I have a question: at this point, would it necessarily be a bad idea to talk to each other about masturbation? We did so briefly and we joke about it a bit. I like it and it feels comfortable, I'm wondering though, considering our holding off on physical things, could this make it harder or be an issue of any sort?
Heather
Member # 3
posted 01-16-2011 07:27 PM
I hear you on the unfamiliar. But I have to say, for someone for whom this is all unfamiliar, it really sounds like you are doing a fantastic job! I'm not of the mind that if we're holding off on any given sexual activity, that means we can't talk about it. To me, that idea has always suggested that it's like, if we conjure it up in words, it will happen (which, of course, it won't, unless we choose to make something happen), or that for some reason it's not okay to talk about things we aren't doing together. I disagree with both those ideas when I run into them. That said, the one thing I'd be concerned about is that talking in-depth to someone about your sexuality usually is something we tend to do if a) we're in a sexual relationship with them, being actively sexual, so it's relevant and/or b) we've known each other for a while, had some time to build some trust. I think if you're both feeling like things have been moving too fast, you might want to think about if talking about very intimate things is also moving too fast. So, I'd say it's your call based of if you feel like that conversation and topic would or would not feel like too fast.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 01-16-2011 07:55 PM
I think my line of comfort lies somewhere right around where my boyfriend and are on talking about this. We haven't gone in depth in our conversations, it's more of innuendo and very casual conversation. I will keep my eyes open for my boundaries on this subject and put up a huge red stop sign if we come to them, but for now I think that where we are on this is pretty good. What you said about talking about sexual activities not needing to correspond to whether we we doing them or not makes a lot of sense. Oh, and a good portion of the reason that I am doing so well with all of this is this site. It has opened my eyes a lot to healthy sexuality and specifically to this situation healthy communication. Thank you so much for all that you do with this site, it helps so many people in so many ways.
Heather
Member # 3
posted 01-16-2011 08:04 PM
What a lovely compliment and thank you: thanks! I think you should give yourself props, too: you've been here a long time, and came seeking information on some of these things well before you were using it. So, good on you, as well!