T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 46081
posted 03-05-2010 07:34 PM
URGENT! (Serious problem- and no, I am not just trying to get your attention). I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME OUT.?
This is going to take awhile- just a disclaimer... If you have the patience, then, Thank You. So, this is how it all began... I have a friend. We've been best friends for a long time already- until last year, I admitted to her that I watch porn and masturbate. I have been masturbating since I was 4 years old. I grew up that way. I was not abused. I was just born with a high libido I guess... And I discovered porn on my own when I was 9 years old. I told her that. I needed someone to talk to, since I've been hiding it for years. It scared her. Both of us are known as "innocent girls" in our school- except that she is the quiet type- and is not expressive- at all. But it's perfectly fine with me. She forgot about it, and nothing really happened after that. Okay. she knew. What was next. She understood that I was FOUR YEARS OLD when I started, so it was not because of anything else. I grew up in a Christ-centered family, so it couldn't have possibly originated at home. Simple. I was born with it and nobody's ever known, since then. My friend and I have never let that get in the way of our friendship... That was until today. I asked her why people ask me if I am lesbian- I only brought it up because we were centered on the topic; I wouldn't ask that in just any conversation. She freaked out and gasped. It went like this: Me: "(friend's name), why do some people ask me if I am lesbian? How can that be? Just because I am not guy-crazy doesn't make me a lesbian! I like to keep that topic to myself." Friend: "WHAT?! Why?! Are YOU lesbian?!" And she looked so shocked and terrified at the same time. What was that all about? I only asked her what she thought about it... So, that was the end of it. We started to talk about something else soon after. I just told her that I wasn't. After that event, I was still worried that she thought of me as a dirty girl. And I really am not. I am a conservative teen- only that I have a high sexual drive- been having that since I was four, (once again). Is it my fault for having a high sexual drive and discovering masturbation on my own? God knows that. God knows that. I was just born that way. And so, after all that stuff I've been telling her, may have somewhat built-up in her. Her terror and horror of having a "whore" for a best friend. I ask her for help because I cry to God asking Him why I was born like this. But y'know, at some point, you just gotta talk to someone who can say something directly back to you and help cope up with the situation. Which is why I told her. I thought that by doing this, this was the right thing to do. She could guide me in what I could do to over come them. So far, it's been good. But I guess, today, she just had about enough... Carrying on... I had noticed (unless it was just that she was either in a bad mood, or I took it on a wrong way) that she was treating me differently than the usual. I hate to see her in such a state. We're best friends! C'mon. Of course it would hurt if she thought of me as being a lesbian just because I asked her why, I received quite a number of questions like that. I only wanted to see her point of view. I thought that she wouldn't take it that way... It was all a mistake and mis-communication. I didn't realize that my actions (i.e., by constantly asking her what the matter was- despite she not responding) had put me into a place that I had been preventing in the first place. All I wanted was COMMUNICATION. She just wanted to FORGET about the whole thing. Like I said, she's a quiet girl, hence, she does not express her thoughts or is open. By asking her what the problem was, and offering to solve it, I WAS ACTUALLY CREATING ONE! How should I know what she was thinking if she wasn't talking to me at all? I am not angry with her. She's my best friend. We have never fought- because she is THAT nice. LET ME REPEAT. I am NOT ANGRY with her. I am only DISAPPOINTED that I had made her cry. All the asking if she was okay, had led to her being irritated (and believe me, she NEVER gets irritated!) and suddenly I saw tears in her eyes. I was guilty of making her cry. But I didn't even know why. She has to understand me, in the way that all I wanted was to keep the friendship strong- that is why I wanted her to talk to me what the matter was- which I found out later on, was that she was just getting annoyed at me for asking what was wrong and why she was feeling so down. Look. How can I tell that she was feeling that way, when she didn't want to talk to me at all? No. Seriously. How? I don't blame her, then again. I understand that she is not open about her feelings. But at least, just at that instant, she could have just told me why, and that would have been perfectly fine with it. I turned around in the middle of the (what was turning out :'( to become a) feud, to talk to a friend who had just passed by. When I turned back, I saw her leaving the place and out the gates- without a goodbye whatsoever. And also, if it helps, I will add that I hugged her and told her that I was so sorry for doing this to her. I didn't know that my asking her of whether we were both okay and fine, and that we were still friends, would make her so angry and annoyed- once again, my dear, how will I know that I she wasn't telling me anything AT ALL? She didn't return the hug and it seemed as though I was scared of her for the first time. I have NEVER felt her so cold. Now I am here. Wondering what my next move should be. If I apologize, well what the heck. It will surely annoy her. But how can I explain my side without apologizing? That's kinda who I am. If I hurt someone, I apologize- even though it may not be my fault at times. I just like friendships to remain fixed and I believe that communication is a must. But, my mistake for allegedly "forcing" her to speak. I had no intention of doing so. I was only worried about why she was acting different than usual. I guess I may have overlooked other factors such as stress probably. Now, I am here. Home. Thinking. Asking God what I have put myself into. What should I do? Should I make the next move? She's a really sweet girl. I just feel so guilty that I had made her cry. I don't even know what was going on in her mind. Maybe I shouldn't have opened up to her about my masturbation and porn. She would have never guessed that since I am a very religious person. Maybe it secretly scares her, but she just tries to forget about it. What do I do know? Should I talk to her? Should I give it some space- yeah, which will aggravate the condition all the more... Opening up to her about my problems had lead to this. I only wanted to talk to someone who could have helped me out. But as it is, I got none. God can help me out. I know that. But it's not like you can really hear Him out loud. I've been lost all these years. I didn't want to keep it inside me. I felt that the best thing was to tell a close friend and let them serve as your "real-live conscience". I don't know. I really do not know. Now, I am NOT mad. I am just lost.... Really. Because apologizing will most likely annoy her all the more. And I don't want to do that. I don't need to express how desperate I am for your help. Maybe I will see God communicating with me through your answers. Thank You. Thank You so much. It is a blessing for you to take the time, effort, and patience to help me out with my dilemma. I really really have NOTHING. NO IDEA on how I could possibly patch things up. Now I AM THE ONE SCARED! ;'(
Member # 3
posted 03-05-2010 08:45 PM
This is a LOT to unpack, but let me try and unpack a few things with your first, then ask a couple extra questions, okay?
For starters, most people masturbate, and most people start as children. Scientists even have ultrasounds of in-utero masturbation. For real. Mind, a LOT of people get told in early childhood by parents or other adults it's wrong or dirty or bad and stop for a while, but most resume in their pre-teens or teens. As well, nearly everyone discovers masturbation on their own: that is not something we generally learn as others, but just intuitively start doing as children, the way children will intuitively suck their thumbs. Nine is certainly on the early end for viewing pornography, to be sure. So, given how you feel about that as you've voiced in some of this post, while looking at porn doesn't indicate there is anything wrong with someone, if it's making you feel bad, it might be helpful for you to talk to a counselor about it. As well, it's actually not surprising when religious people look at/use porn, not to sex researchers, anyway. Several broad studies have shown that more politically or religiously conservative people actually tend to use porn more than people in other groups do. Now, for my questions for you: you use a lot of words here you seem to have projected on to your friend. For instance, did she call you a whore? Doesn't sound like it. It seems so much of what went down with this has to do with how you feel about yourself, and how scared you are others will feel the same way about you (and perhaps sexuality, for that matter). Is THAT something you have anyone you can talk with about? If not, again, I think if you can seek out some counseling to help you unload some of that, you'll feel a lot better. Next: why would it be hurtful for your friend or anyone else to think of your as a lesbian? More: this post is VERY high-key. I get that you are very upset and clearly very conflicted about your sexuality in general, but the tone of this post, is that the same kind of emotional tone in your conversations with her? If so, have you thought about how this kind of tone, and a lot of the harsh judgments you're making about yourself and, apparently, thinking she would could, all by itself, really rattle someone? Is it possible some of her upset was more about that? Know what I mean? No matter what, I'd give her some space. Both for her, and perhaps even more so, for YOU. I don't hear that you erred in opening up about your problems: that's what we do with friends. But it sounds to me like this was a LOT (not because any of it is "bad") to lay on someone, especially with hoe upset it all makes you. Your guilt and sadness and self-judgment here is intense, and no doubt has got to be hard for you to carry. But it'll also be hard for others, especially people not equipped to see the big picture, including understanding how rough a lot of sexual guilt can be on a person.
Member # 46081
posted 03-06-2010 04:25 AM
You know what. You are right. I was really planning on how I could possibly "apologize" to her without actually apologizing- since, I think that it will make matters worse. She doesn't look like she is looking for one anyway. It seems as though she just wants the topic to be left alone and not be such a big issue. I've been thinking on how I can finally be able to reconcile with her- since I do not know what will do the trick.
Will a short "Hi, I'm sorry about last Friday. I was just really panicky and all, and I just jumped to conclusions. I didn't mean it to be that way. And I hope that you understand me too, as I understand how naive I had been, not to see what I was putting you through. So, I'm sorry." Or a simple "Oh hey. So? Are we okay already?" and a smile, be more suitable? It's great that you were able to tell me, more or less how she felt. I am thankful for that. Now I am not as confused as before. Maybe even not, anymore. I really did not think about her and how she felt when I had interrogated her. I was coaxing something that had not even been there, and in effect, had annoyed her. It saddens me how ironic it is in the way that my efforts of preventing a misunderstanding, and hence, escalating to a feud, were the real cause of the issue in the first place. After all this, I guess I'll promise her not to bring up the topic EVER again. By the way, I am not confused about my sexuality. I may have seemed to be. But truly, I am not. I was just a little scared of losing her, because, if she thought that I was a lesbian, then she would do to me, what she did to one of our classmates. That's what I forgot to indicate. She had stayed away from her and did not want to get near her at all. She was freaked out, and still is- up to now. I know that this girl (my other friend) is not a lesbian, but it is so sad how my best friend (the one I am in "conflict" with) mistakes her for one. Anyway, well. Yes. I realized that the tone I used was HIGH KEY. I was not aware of that- until you mentioned. IT made me re-think about the event, and reflect on how that might have been for her- as this was the exact tone I used. I tend to be emotional. And I really am. Only thing is, how long will I give her some space. I asked her about that during the feud, but she told me to just leave it alone. I'm really at the edge now. My next move is very crucial. That is why I would like to know which would be the best possible solution to patch things up. As I had mentioned above... Will a short "Hi, I'm sorry about last Friday. I was just really panicky and all, and I just jumped to conclusions. I didn't mean it to be that way. And I hope that you understand me too, as I understand how naive I had been, not to see what I was putting you through. So, I'm sorry." Or a simple "Oh hey. So? Are we okay already?" and a smile, be more suitable? I am thinking more on the second one, since she doesn't think that it's an issue anyway. Apologizing may emphasize the intensity and thereby, annoy her- but again. It's really hard to understand her since she doesn't speak a lot. By a lot, I mean, she has never recited in class at least once in her life. But that's just how she is. And she's still my best friend- we've been together since we were thirteen. And now, we are both seventeen. Now, about the pornography. I really don't know how I discovered it. I guess I was just seeking something sexually stimulating, and I guess that was the only one available to me at that time. The really weird thing is that I only knew what "sex" was when I was ten years old. I discovered it in a dictionary. So, it's really vague. Unless I was 10 or 11, not 9, when I started. I think I was mistaken. Most likely 10. I am actually coping up with everything and I am porn-free and have not masturbated for awhile now. God is helping me get by, and I feel much better now. I hope to carry on this, for a really really long time. But what I really need now, is advice on how to patch things up with her. :'( I really miss her. I think I'm the first person to make her cry...
Member # 3
posted 03-06-2010 10:51 AM
How about explaining to her that not only have you had a hard time handling this stuff, but that you've only realized in hindsight how emotional it is for you, and how that may have come off when you talked to her?
You can certainly apologize for throwing so much at her at once so emotionally, and also for not seeing that your own feelings and conflicts played a big part in what you assumed about her. Then you can ask if you two are okay. I agree, it's really sad your friend would cut off contact with someone because she knew or thought someone else was lesbian. But it sounds like she's probably not in the space, and your friendship certainly isn't, to talk about her bias there right now.
Member # 46081
posted 03-06-2010 07:37 PM
Yikes. That's sounds true but depressing. *Sigh*... Better just hope for the best and pray that it turns out good. I guess there is no harm in apologizing- I would love that very much, except that she may just take it in another way- i.e., think that I am making such a big deal. It's really hard to think of what to say once I'm out there. Now, it sounds like a good idea, and I'd like to express what you mentioned that would be okay to say to her, but the fact that you either get a smile or a frown will signal whether our friendship will still be intact. I don't understand! WHY CAN'T SHE JUST SIMPLY TELL ME WHAT SHE FEELS LIKE, SO I CAN TAKE THAT IN A GOOD WAY AND USE IT FOR THE BETTER?! But it's really strange how, despite this, I still understand that she is not an expressive person. I'd like her to know that. Everything. And my side of the story.
Yes, it is sad isn't it? She cut off contact with another close friend of mine just because other people said that she was a lesbian. Hey, if she was, I should know, because we're close to each other. So, it's really really weird right now. Once again... *Sigh* It's frustrating. Because I was never forcing her to say something in the first place. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew that. At some point, I was asking her what she wanted me to do (ex. leave the topic alone, give her space, etc.), which she confused with, me asking her opinion about how she feels like- whether she is scared of me or not. She gets scared easily. I didn't want that nor mean it to be that way. I was only asking if she got scared of me or something, and explain to her, the reason why she "is scared" of me- and if she didn't (which is why I was asking her, also) I wouldn't FORCE anything out of her. I wouldn't do that. Ever. Ayayay... What a mess I've done. She should understand that the only person now, capable of cleaning up this mess is if I speak to her AND APOLOGIZE. I will do that tomorrow. You've been a great help to me, and I really appreciate what you've done to try and help me cope up. I will apologize to my best friend- and make it short and simple, but sincere. Thank You Ms. Heather. Your advice was different in a way that I actually realized what the matter was in the first place. I'd love to hear from you again.
Member # 46081
posted 03-06-2010 07:41 PM
Would it help, by the way, that I promise her not to mention anything about my porn problems, ever again? I think she'd like me to just be quiet and stop talking about it. Would that be okay to add, something like, "I promise never again to have to put you through anything emotional about my porn problems."?
Member # 3
posted 03-06-2010 07:56 PM
Per your last post, how about something like this, instead: "If you feel that porn is something you're uncomfortable taking about, I'm fine agreeing that's just something I need to talk to a different person about. It's totally okay for friends to be able to talk about most everything, but not absolutely everything, after all. It's okay for either of us to have things we ask the other not to discuss."
Per why she can't tell you how she feels, it's possible she's just as uncomfortable with these issues as you, which as you know, can make it tough to communicate well. It sounds to me, too, like this is a friend who just seems to have her own issues with sexuality, issues which are not your responsibility. In a word, I think she has her own work to do around this. Now, it may turn out over time that her issues are so intense in that area that eventually, you may become less close with her and seek out a close friend who you CAN talk to about this just like everything else. And to be honest, I think you could really benefit from a friend you can even feel very comfortable and more relaxed talking about this stuff with. (We can talk more about it here, too if you want.) But all the same, this is clearly a friendship you value and want to sustain now, so I think if YOU are also okay with any agreements you make around this, it's all good.
Member # 46081
posted 03-06-2010 08:34 PM
Yes. I think that I will tell her that. The "If you feel that porn is something you're uncomfortable taking about, I'm fine agreeing that's just something I need to talk to a different person about. It's totally okay for friends to be able to talk about most everything, but not absolutely everything, after all. It's okay for either of us to have things we ask the other not to discuss."
It's something I'd like her to hear. Oh and yes, I think she has her own issues as well, with the topic. Maybe something she could be hiding something, perhaps? I don't know. But she's known this secret of mine since July of 2009, and it's all been fine since then. I guess her feelings are just surfacing right now. She was even happy for me that I confessed to the priest (finally!), last January 2010, about the porn stuff. She was okay hearing me talk about it, but lately, oh well, guess not anymore. I don't understand it at all. Why didn't she tell me before? Sheesh. For all I know, while I'm the one making a big deal out of it, she's already cooled-down. That's good though. Hope she would listen to my side, then, if that was the case. She even told me never to mention this problem to my school guidance counselor- so that showed that she cared about me and was "willing" to listen to me? I agree that I need someone- a friend who would be okay with the topic. But I am shy when it comes to that topic, so it's really taboo for me. Nobody would have ever suspected that I was like this. My religion teacher thinks that I am going to be a nun! Not that it's bad or anything (well, obviously, I wouldn't want to become one), but it's just evident there, how "innocent" they think of me- and I'd like to keep that. I'd never end up to be promiscuous or a "whore" when I am older. I am still going to be the same conservative person that I am today. And it is easy for me to say that. It's not because of my reputation, but something I believe that is right. I think of it as a test from God. Even in m most tempting times, I still fix my self on Him alone, never letting sin be an obstacle between us. I just do not understand why I started when I was four... It stopped though, when I was six. then it resumed when I was ten. All the answers I need, will not come from my friend. I need to take that into consideration. Will it be best to speak with her out right, or text message her? The only time she REALLY talks and voices out what she has to say is only through text messaging. It's always been like that. And it's funny how people are surprised that she "actually talks". Kinda mean though, but we just laugh about it. Should I text her? Or should I talk to her directly- that is, where everyone can hear (we'll be in the classroom)? It's just weird to bring her out of the classroom and suddenly talk to her in the hallway. :| Yes, I believe that agreements should be made. It's perfectly fine with me. I mean, we all have our differences. It's part of being good friends. I'd like to sustain our friendship because she's really special to me. We've been through everything together, and we can't just break it up. I mean, how can you? The idea of breaking up with a friend is not in my diction. I do not believe in that, because I know that there are always possibilities of settling things. I hope that things will come out much better on the other end- especially since we will both be graduating- I want the friendship to remain as strong as ever.