T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 108511
posted 09-21-2013 04:02 PM
I'm a trans girl who has not yet transitioned and I still look like a boy. I'm eighteen at this point and I have never dated yet. I've always held back on dating people because until around last year I have always been very confused regarding my sexual orientation and my gender identity. Recently I feel like I've been missing out a bit. I would love to meet someone to be with even if its a short term and only lasts for a few months. But I have a few doubts about getting involved with people right now.
For starters I feel very much intimidated about approaching people when I have no experience of doing so. I often feel like all the other people my age bracket have more experience then I do. Most of my friends have had at least one relationship and/or had sex. Second I often worried that whoever I go out with will see me as a guy and not as a girl. I know that sounds a tad bit silly but if you saw me in the street you would just think I was a cisgender boy and I'm worried that will carry over into dating. The third thing is that I'm still rather unsure as to what my sexual identity is on the one hand while I have had feelings for men in the past over time I find that it has waned a lot. Even men who I looked at a year ago now seem a lot less interesting. Since recognizing my gender identity I wonder if I would be happier being with another woman then a man, recently I have mate LGBT women who I do find attractive and get crushes on but I don't know if I should be closing the door on dating guys straight away. Is it really fair to get involved with someone when I am not certain as to what I might want ? I understand that there are a lot of bad reasons to date someone, getting into a relationship because of peer pressure, just trying to look cool. I really don't that's the case with me as I've never really been one to care what others think of me. I know that's a good bit to read if you were able to get through it all thank you
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 09-22-2013 10:38 AM
Hi LightandDark, Welcome to Scarleteen! I hope we can help.
Firstly, I think it's really fair to get involved with someone, as you ask, without being certain of what you might want. All of our preferences can and do change over time and at any time regardless of how certain we are of our sexuality, we may find that we're no longer happy with a partner or what we're doing with that partner. It can happy to anyone, any time. Where some people trip up is the assumption that this isn't allowed and should be ignored or suppressed. It seems to me you're fully conscious of this possibility and accept that uncertainty may be a fact for you right now. I think this puts you in a really good position to be able to explain your feelings to potential partners... "I don't really know what I want in the long run but I'd be interested in trying stuff anyway." can be an honest statement that gives someone their own choice to say yes or no to that situation. It is up to them to decide whether they are interested in that, you're just making the offer. It seems to me also, that some of these worries might actually translate pretty well into preferences. It is so worthwhile to think about what might upset you, but for the purpose, instead, of finding out what your conditions are for potential partners. So rather than wanting one partner to accept that you are a woman, you need a partner who does accept that you are a woman already. I.e, you get to choose the partners who do that! If could add, I think you sound really tuned-in and self-aware! Being able to reflect and 'know that we don't know' our sexualities is a really difficult thing for many people to do. Being able to do that is a really admirable thing. Even though you haven't got everything into neat boxes, it sounds to me like you have plenty of information that can help you know what you want from a partner (i.e. being trans-friendly and also right now it doesn't sound like them having a particular gender is something you are invested in right now). You also know what it is you offer them: a relationship with you as you are, with your gender as it is, as a person who isn't certain about what they want in the future but wants to try things now, not to mention, I'm sure, your many other qualities. Finding partners that seem like they'll fit with what we need, and who we also find hot isn't always easy, but spending time and thought finding better partners rather than rushing into things with an incompatible partner also beats overrated experience any day! Speaking of which, I would say that everything you've gone through with your own sexuality is still experience, just because it isn't partnered it doesn't mean it wouldn't give you insight into the nature of sexuality and how a partner may feel, and how to negotiate sex or a reltionship etc. Learning to communicate is the main thing, something folks with eons of experience can struggle with, but which some people are good at straight away. So it's not all about experience, but we're allowed to be inexperienced too, even more easily so with partners who respect that, so we can explore at a pace we're both good with. I hope this helps! Best of luck with everything.
Member # 108511
posted 09-23-2013 03:29 PM
Hi there Jacob at Scarleteen
Thank you for your input, advice and the compliments. But part of the reason why I'm worried about dating so much is because none my sexual experience is with a partner. I don't know how I would begin to communicate with someone what I want and I don't know if they would be able to do so either. I've seen relationships between people who both do care about each other end badly because they can't seem to talk about things. I'm also nervous about approaching a potential partner and being able to communicate my situation to them. It would require a good bit of talking that would go beyond 'can I meet you for a coffee or a drink on Friday'. Like you said I may have had a lot of experience with my sexuality just all be myself but that is another part of what causes me to worry. I've always been I a very introverted person and I find it hard to be open to people. I guess I'm just worried about how to approach people when I'm used to keeping things to myself(which I know is not really a healthy thing I'm trying to change that).
Member # 25425
posted 09-24-2013 01:41 PM
It sounds to me, then, that it might be a good idea to start by simply reaching out and finding some community. Not necessarily potential romantic partners, at least not right away, but just people that you can open up to and hang out with. If you can find some like-minded people, you can start to learn how to communicate better and be more outgoing. Do you have an idea where you can get started looking for this? Maybe an LGBT organization in your town or on your campus?
Regearding your concerns around your experience: there are plenty of people with experience in partnered sex who still struggle with communication with others, and plenty of people with less experience who have great communication skills. Learning how to communicate openly isn't necessarily specific to the situation, so you can practice talking more openly about general, more casual topics and learn valuable lessons that you can translate to your sex life once you're ready to explore that further.
Member # 108511
posted 09-28-2013 12:20 PM
there is an lgbt youth group in my city I could join I'll start there thank you September
Member # 3
posted 09-28-2013 12:21 PM
You've got some GREAT LGBTQ groups in some of Ireland, for sure!
Jacob at Scarleteen
Member # 66249
posted 09-29-2013 08:01 AM
By the way Light and Dark, I thought this article might help you: