T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 69527
posted 01-30-2013 11:14 PM
So for a while now I have been wrestling with my gender identity. I am female bodied and I like to refer to my sexual orientation as gay rather than lesbian ( I don't like to identify as a lesbian because i dont feel as if term fits me completely). I've been out of the closet as gay for going on 3 years now. until about last year I didn't have much insight on gender identification. but now i am more enlightened on the subject and it confuses me more than ever on a personal level.
Before i knew what i know now i just kinda put myself in the tomboy category. My outward appearance is mostly feminine; I have pixie short hair and tend to wear either a bit feminine or gender neutral things, but i do wear some make-up. But on the inside most of the time I don't feel completely one gender or the other. There are times i feel more feminine and there are times i feel more masculine. I don't really see myself with a specific gender. There are some days that i will more feminine and i'll go a bit more with the eye makeup and on the opposite side some days i feel more masculine and if given the opportunity i wouldn't mind binding or wearing gender-neutral/masculine clothing. My expression is more on the feminine side but inside i feel a bit more masculine. And sexual i am more of a top/giver than i am a bottom/receiver. i am not opposed either to the thought of strap-on use, but i don't know how to bring that up with the gender issues with my girlfriend. I feel like i am caught between genderqueer and genderfluid, i feel like my gender expression flows, but like im not either gender. I don't really know what i am asking, just looking for some advice/insight please?
Member # 101745
posted 01-31-2013 05:50 PM
Honestly, the best advice I have for you is to keep experimenting with whatever sounds interesting or like it could help you explore your gender more. Gender exploration can be intimidating, but it can also be a really fun experience. =) If you haven't seen Genderfork yet, I think that's a great resource for genderfluid/genderqueer/etc. folks, and that site also has a lot of links to other potentially-helpful sites as well. You may find that it's helpful or encouraging to connect with other people online - tumblr has a LOT of youth genderqueer activists - but this might be something that feels more safe or comfortable to you if you play around with it on your own. You say given the opportunity you might be interested in wearing more masculine clothing - thrift stores can be a great resource for inexpensive clothes if you want to try out something new. And while Underworks-style binders can be pricey, you can try out the look with a good compression sports bra. One book you might find useful is Kate Bornstein's , which has a lot of thinking exercises and places to write down what you're thinking. If you enjoy journal-keeping at all, I think it would be a good book to look for. In looking that up I found that a new edition is coming out. You may want to wait for it, but I certainly found the original edition helpful. Also the main site that book writeup is on would probably be a good resource to check out at well. My Gender Workbook As a point of clarification: in terms of talking to your girlfriend, have you talked about any of your thoughts on gender with her? Or are you not sure how to bring that up? I wasn't sure if it was just the strap-on use you weren't sure how to talk to her about. And honestly, with that sort of thing, sometimes the best way is the most direct - you can just to say to a partner "hey, this thing sounds exciting to me and I'd love to try it with you, what do you think?"
Member # 69527
posted 01-31-2013 09:49 PM
Thank you! I am going to continue to explore my gender. I haven't heard of it but I will most definitely check it out. As of talking to my girlfriend its a bit of both, I haven't talked to her about my thoughts on gender, and the reason I want to bring up the option of strap-on use has to do with my gender issues. So I am not really sure how to approach that subject.
Member # 101745
posted 02-01-2013 11:37 PM
I think even if you are still in a sorting-things-out place in your mind, it would be fine to talk to your girlfriend about ideas you're exploring in terms of your gender. If you do find that one of those websites is helpful, maybe you could send her a link and then talk about it later? I don't know how much she knows about genderqueer and genderfluid identities but if she doesn't have a lot of knowledge it might be helpful to do that so you aren't doing all of the heavy lifting while talking about this with her.
Also, if in talking to her it feels like some of this might take a while for her to process, or you find that as you're figuring things out it makes it harder to explain yourself to her, it might be easier to have a few smaller conversations spread out over time than one Big Deal Discussion. Honestly, when I was sorting out gender stuff for myself, I found it much easier to talk about it in small chunks. The few times I had big coming-out talks with folks where I had to outline a lot of my identity at once, I felt like it wasn't as easy for either person.