T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 49582
posted 08-24-2012 08:42 PM
Okay, so. I'm hurting very badly right now.
My birth name is Rachel but I usually put Ray (or sometimes Rae) - it fits with my agender identity. However, I put 'Rae Shelton' on the covering letter on my CV for applying for jobs. My dad just said that if I'm to live under his roof I'm to change it Rachel because there's no way I'll ever get a job, and I'm throwing my life away. I explained that I was agender (and what that was) and he told me to leave, though has since gone back on that as I'm still here. He says I think I know everything, but I don't. I know an option is to leave, but I have no money at all.
Member # 95710
posted 08-24-2012 10:09 PM
Ray, I am so sorry that this has happened. Not being understood by one's parent and then being threatened to leave sound heartbreaking. How are you feeling now?
In my personal opinion, I truly do not think a name is going to affect job or hiring opportunities. I think that sometimes our parents - and us, most likely, when we get to be their age - tend to think of their own society (the one in which they grew up) as either the "norm" or their preferred way of thinking; so perhaps he just does not understand this type of gender identity (merely because it might not have been as researched or studied during that time). Do you think you could explain your agendered identity to him without him getting upset - maybe in a neutral environment, like a coffee shop? And by the way, I love "Ray" and "Rae." They are so unique and original. No one has the right (in my opinion) to tell you to change your name or to identify yourself in a way in which you are not comfortable. I truly hope that you feel better soon. I understand about having no job and no money to move out... Sometimes I really want to move out, too, but the money isn't there. It's tough, but I'm sure you will find a job soon! And it does sound like your father loves you as he is trying "his" way of helping you "succeed" (not that I in any way agree with him - I mean that he is doing this because he cares for you and is just showing it in the wrong way, which is why your explaining your identity to him and how that is perfectly acceptable would help, though I know explaining that to a parent is often hard.). Take care! I hope I've helped a little, and please forgive me if I said anything here that you do not agree with or if my phrases were confusing!
Member # 49582
posted 08-25-2012 07:02 AM
Thank you for your lovely reply, Copper!
I think I'm afraid of self-reliance to tell the truth. So, I'm going to stay with friends until I get a job and then save every bit of what I earn and rent a cheap room - even if it doesn't have a shower or a nice bed, even if I can't buy all the the luxury foods I like and cook for myself. Those things can come later. I'm going to break out of my comfort zone and just go for it! You've really helped me out, thank you! [ 08-25-2012, 07:04 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]
Member # 56822
posted 08-25-2012 07:03 AM
-hugs for Rae, and more hugs for Ray too!-
You are an awesome person!
Member # 49582
posted 08-25-2012 07:05 AM
Thank you for the compliment, Wes!
Member # 56822
posted 08-25-2012 07:32 AM
It helps everyone - you, me, society and love and peace in the world!
Volunteers are so awesome, aren't they? Doing something in their own time that they value, to help others. I am a volunteer too, btw, although in a different subject area.
Member # 79774
posted 08-25-2012 12:24 PM
Rei, I'm sorry to hear your father responded as he did. It's so hard when it feels like a parent isn't supporting us, or when we feel we're not secure in the place we're living. I think you're very strong to have that plan - respect to you.
Parents can sometimes have a huge personal investment in us using the name that they chose for us, as if we're rejecting a major piece of their connection to us and what they gave us. I've really appreciated how you've been fluid with the name/spelling you use on the boards (and I hope that's come from more of a place of positive discovery for you rather than a place of pain). I can't imagine you having an extra problem getting a job because of the name you use on applications - not when it's a gender-neutral/ambiguous name, at least. Of course, people can have other problems related to others' reactions to non gender-normativity, but I'm sure you would know more about that than I. And thank-you from me for the very wise responses you write to people - I learn a lot from you.
Member # 42492
posted 08-25-2012 06:55 PM
Just to add, I used to work with a woman named Ray. She was heterosexual, cis-gender, in her mid forties, and it was actually her birth-name. It had absolutely no impact of her professional life or influence om other people's opinions of her.
It might also be noted that she is a wonderful person, just like you seem to be!
Member # 96418
posted 08-26-2012 12:41 PM
Ray! Im so sorry that your dad is treating you like this. I know how it feels not being understood by someone and especially parents. I know its hard but let it go in one ear out the other. You are AMAZING dont EVER forget that. I am ALWAYS here for you. Its your life you can do anything that you want and feel is right. There is no one who can say that its wrong. Because its not. No one can tell you how to feel and not feel and how to live your life. You are the boss and you can do what ever your little heart disiares. Once again i am ALWAYS here for you. Dont ever forget it.
Member # 35643
posted 09-01-2012 05:40 AM
I hope that your new independent life goes well, Ray. And that your dad will come around in time. All the best
Member # 49582
posted 09-07-2012 11:08 AM
Cheers Redskies and brokenhearted. Atonement - knowing about the Ray woman really, really helps! I've been thinking about her. Thank you Eryn, that means so much; I'm loving my new life so far. I hope you're okay, too.