T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 51847
posted 01-06-2011 04:56 AM
I currently feel as if my sanity/mental health is degenerating at a faster rate that I'm concerned. I've got a lot of stuff that I'm dealing with which are all deeply interconnected with everything else.
I'll try to organize this into the best fashion I can. Bear with me. This is a hell of a lot of stuff to respond to, and for that, I'm sorry. I'm a 21 year old being-raised-as-a-boy, attracted predominantly to signifiers of masculinity, of mixed race (Chinese/Scottish-Irish), a person with disabilities (microtia, was born with a flap of skin for a right ear), and identify as fat. One person I met identifies as FT?. Born female, but genderqueer. What I feel is ?T?. Even though I've been raised "male", I question if I was even born thus. My whole life, I've experienced gender ambiguity. Without knowing my name, I could pass as a boy one day, and a girl the next. Puberty wasn't especially nice to me either. I didn't feel sexual desire until I was 13, and didn't understand the implications of it until I was 16. My body feels weird to me. My voice never jumped all over the place like we were taught in health class. It settled a bit, but I still can to this day, still pass as a female depending where I pitch my voice. Or as my mom, but she has a pretty deep voice. Regardless, my voice feels weird! I've come to not-hate my singing voice (and trying to get over vocal abuse and musical fascism) but hate how my voice feels incomplete. It sounds course, reedy, or whiny in some situations when I've heard it recorded. It still doesn't sound quite right when I switch to what I call the "Josh Groban" voice which I somehow developed in high school vocal class. I'm also aware that I have microdick. I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I've always identified as a bottom since my sexual awakening. But I still hate it. I have severe penis envy. When I first bought a dildo and put it in my pants, it gave me this power rush. Incidentally, I'm attracted to power like a moth to a fly. I identify as genderqueer. I'm uncomfortable with hyper masculinity and femininity. But I still like playing around with some form of proto-masculinity. I can still generally pass as all sorts of genders and sexualities to this day depending on who I talk to. But my trends have been leaning towards experimenting with more "male" fashion. Hunting down semi-gothy/punky stuff. But I still feel all sorts of things. There are times when I feel the fat on my chest are like "boobs" and I try to cover them up. There are times when I wish I had a vagina just in order so I can be sandwiched between two guy critters. I want to feel their power swimming around in my mind. Then there are others when I wonder what I'd be like if I took some testosterone, let all of the body hair grow back out (I keep some of it shaved, trim the rest) and growing a man-dick. It'd be really amusing to have a big dick for my power junkie thing, but I just wish I had a dick that I could feel as meaty. In those moments imagining this masculine-self, I feel that power I feel I lack and can actually desire to penetrate another human being in some shape or form. It's always been pretty clear I've desired masculine traits. I do recognize that it is possible and it has occurred where I've been attracted to female-identified folks, about 95% of the time, it's going to be a guy-critter. Guys (both cis and trans) that have exhibited confidence, feminist/queer/trans knowledge, empathy, wisdom, or have a killer singing voice turn my mind to goo. But I don't have good emotional connections to them. When I first came out, I thought I was "bi" because I preferred girls for company. My experiences with gay men has been generally pretty negative. No fats, no femmes, and NO ASIANS. Three strikes against me even though I pass as white. It's what sent me down the road of genderqueer and disidentification. I've found myself confused. I know some guys that would be *perfect* for me according to the traits I know turn me on. But I can't feel anything and I don't understand it. There are currently some guys in my life that are feminist, crazy intelligent, caring, awesome... Every time I hear them speak, I feel that jolt of warmth run down my spine and pool between my legs. But I can't feel that instant "ohmygodsIwanttojumpyourbones" sensation I've felt around some other guys... This ties into issues that I have with my body. The first is that I have the sex drive from HELL. Just to maintain semblance of sanity, I have to get off every day, sometimes up to three or four times. This sex drive causes me a lot of grief. I'm easily distracted, feel desire (or repulsion) intensely, I'll start pining over someone, or become self-loathing because the person I'm attracted to is most likely straight. It feels like there is so much hypersensitive about me. I can't stand being touched. If someone taps me on the back, I'll jump up and shriek. I generally flinch away from people touching me, or put up with it. This in turn translate to my sexual experiences. I've read a fair sum here and identify pretty strongly with a lot of issues that straight girls face around sexual pleasure. I can't feel much. Most of my sexual experiences have been with guys that I didn't feel particularly attracted to, but was trying to quench that inner flame of horny. Giving head doesn't do anything for me, and I don't feel penile pleasure. I can't get off on physical sensation at all. I just put up with a friend that wanted to mutually jerk off on a web cam. It did absolutely nothing for me, I couldn't engage my mind very much. Every single time I've ever gotten off since I first discovered masturbation at the age of 10, it's always been to intense images, sensations, and emotions. I identified specifically with discomfort with penetration. I got myself a dildo to try and fill that hole of frustration of feeling undesirable and hating heteronormativity, fat shaming, ablism, racism, and generaly body fascism that is my soul. But when I finally managed to penetrate myself (using lots of lube) I didn't really feel anything special. It stung after that initial starburst of pain. I think I found my prostate from asking around what the sensation was. There was something in me that felt like a sudden burst of "ohgodsIhavetousethebathroomrightnow" and it hurt. I experimented a fair sum with trying to feel "good" and sitting directly on it made me want to shriek from sensory overload. Also, the thrusting motions felt weird. It sent me into overload (along with most other kinds of touch) and I couldn't get the image of it feeling like I was going to the bathroom out of my mind. I don't have very good resources. Even though I'm in Toronto, am going to a University with trans housing (I love them for it) and one of the top Disability programs in the country, I'm not getting everything I need. I'm trying to get tested for various disabilities. Mood disorders as I feel emotions just as intensely as my body does. I also experience problems navigating social situations, in part due to the fact I was raised by a single immigrant mother that experienced constant racism, sexism, supporting a child and two parents who came over to Canada to help raise "their poor, disabled, grandchild". She has some kind of unnamed mental health issue/disability that I'm pretty sure I share with her, along with a full blown psychosis. For that part of my life, I'm gaining control of through social services in my home town. Due to growing up with a history of repeated traumas as a small child (multiple operations to try and create an ear, car accident, parents divorce, bad experience with doctors) I grew up without much if any self esteem. The mom kept ridiculously high expectations for me, and constantly put me down. She's participated a lot in gender brainwashing/socialization, fat shaming, disability pitying, and internalized racism. I spent the time when I managed to have a therapist (15) to the time I left for University (19) unpacking everything I was taught as a child. Regardless of an education in Women's Studies and Sexuality Studies WITH a focus in studying body fascism in it's many forms, it hasn't done much for my own self esteem. I look at my body and hate it. I hate my thighs, my belly, my chest/boobs/moobs, I hate my really crooked teeth, my right ear and all its implications of disability, the medical scars covering my body, the scar above my right eye a reminder of the car accident, the three fingernails that are genetic mutations inherited from my dad, and so much about myself. I hate how weak and messed up I am. How it feels like I was given the genetic short stick. How I was born in a society that is so intolerant of everything that makes up "me". I get depressed over things such as fan vids on you tube and only finding straight, hyper attractive couples being shipped. The lack of Asians in gay porn. Fetish and certain higher arts communities still being heterocentric, body fascist, racist, ableist and trying to claim moral liberalism. I'm so mad and frustrated living trapping in this body. Covered in signifiers of undesirability, liminality, invisibility. It's so difficult to find myself represented in small ways. I do have a few role models to look up to, but there's still so much missing. I can't find the kind of gender expression I want found anywhere. The trans services here are so transition oriented that I can't do anything. Queer services aren't queer, they're gay and lesbian. University services are mostly too general and Liberal to be of much use. I've been spending the past couple years raging harder than I've ever raged before trying to find answers to this complicated, fucked up existence that I was born into. I'm a bit on the self destructive side. I've had sex because I wanted to feel *something*. I wanted to stop feeling like I'm stuck unable to grow. I've been reading so much stuff on radical sex, sex positivism, and queer stuff that I want to live it. I'm jealous. Intensely jealous. Why can't I, the former child-activist that fought tooth and nail to try and make my community better for more marginalized people, ever be able to reap the benefits that I see others reap? Why can't I feel desired, sexy, and enjoy an active, fulfilling sex life? The funny thing is, I am/was the bright, bubbly/hyper, big energy person. I shine really big, am really active, yet under that veneer, there's all this. Of course, my other side appears a lot, but I'm still the one that brings unique, creative, and usually really queer/out there responses to class discussions and other forms of organized social interaction. For any people who somehow read through all of this, kudos to you. I've been a lurker for a while, but felt the need to seek help and actually join.
Member # 43628
posted 01-06-2011 09:17 AM
Hey there Jian.
It certainly sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now. I don't feel I have enough experience to address everything in your post, but I did want to comment on the fact that you feel ?T?. If this best expresses your gender, I don't see anything wrong with it. I do understand the discomfort of not fitting into a more "straightforward", for lack of a better term, gender identity. But what helps me is to remind myself that, no matter what gender or orientation we identify as, we are all people, and not having a straightforward identity doesn't make us "incomplete" people in any way. I'm sorry that your university's trans and queer services aren't that helpful for you. Have you considered going to therapy again? If you just printed out this post and gave it to a therapist to read, it might be the start of a good conversation with them. Also, if you feel like you might have a mood disorder, it would be a good idea to see a doctor or psychiatrist. Good luck.
Member # 50455
posted 01-06-2011 10:06 AM
These kinds of feelings are so hard. I feel like I could have written a similar post not all that long ago. All the "Dear Brain: can you PLEASE shut up for a few days? Love, Brain."
It's hard and confusing and until I met somebody who just listened to what I had to say and said "Yep, me too" I really thought that I was completely isolated in how I feel. I HATE that trans services are so transition oriented, and that people who are "trans friendly" often think I just came out because I am not on T/haven't had top surgery. I've been out for two and a half years, so not forever, but not a short amount of time, either. I finally started to embrace a genderqueer identity just so I could explain it to people within the community. I had been IDing as a feminine person on the trans-masculine spectrum. Try fitting *that* into a gender checkbox. I guess what I eventually had to do was take a step away from myself and said "Ok, it doesn't *actually* matter how I identify *to me* because I am still who I am, no matter what. Trans is ONE part of my identity, and there are a lot of bigger parts to it. My religious identity is bigger than my trans identity, my activist identity is, too. I am so much more than just a genderconfused twenty-something. Once I started embracing that, and stopped thinking quite so much about what the world would think about how I looked, how I identified, what I was wearing, how my voice sounded and whatever else THEY let THEIR mind get stuck on I was able to relax a lot. The sex got a lot better, too.
Member # 3
posted 01-06-2011 11:13 AM
I think Andy gave some excellent advice and insight here, Jian.
I'm hearing you struggling with a few different things, all certainly complex and indeed, tough to fit into even expanded tickboxes that tend to exist around gender, orientation and embodiment. So, how can we help beyond listening? Are there certain things you're looking for, questions you have, that we might be able to help you out with?
Member # 51847
posted 01-07-2011 09:37 PM
Thanks for the responses thus far... I've hit a small sad spell/depression/whatever this is so it was a bit difficult for me to formulate my feelings without them overwhelming me.
I'm just so frustrated with existing. When it comes to my gender, I still feel incomplete. Not to mention my intense frustration at the world. Even though I've spent so much of my energy (and money) studying feminism and am fully aware of many pitfalls and how the system is the fault. I still internalize fat shame, hatred for my disabilities, my social differences, and how wrong it feels living in this body. I hate how I'm forced to live in a society where I'm good enough to be "the best friend" or "an amazing volunteer" but not "lover" or "paid employee". I don't know what I should do. I *could* theoretically, try being physically active (gods, I hate trans non-inclusive gyms), buy mainstream clothes, get braces, butch it up, and fulfill the desirability quota. But it would take up too much time, defeat the purpose of so much of my work, and wouldn't do anything about my self esteem. I also don't have any explicit, thorough education in things such as "fashion" "social skills" "tact" or "reading people" so I fail pretty heavily in the realms of not-feminist Academy. I got tested for learning disabilities, but I'm too high functioning to have any problems. Apparently. I'm pretty sure the test has a lot of problems, but I don't have my knowledge base in disability theory strong enough to contest it... Yet. Then there's my issue with how I don't understand why I'm attracted to painfully straight guy, but not nice non-body fascist pansexual guy who tops. I just want the pain to stop. The pain of the high sex drive. And all of these feelings that overwhelm my body. One of my more destructive habits (I think) is to just have sex with guys just because they're there. I don't feel that electricity very much, maybe just a vague fizzle. I just do it to try and try to find that "cure" and maybe find my own pleasure. I'm terrible at reading non-verbal cues so I've almost always found sexual partners via the Internet. Those are basically the main issues that I feel right now.
Member # 51847
posted 01-07-2011 09:40 PM
Oh, and I do have a therapy session on Thursday with a lesbian-identified therapist. But it's temporary and I'm trying to treat her more as as someone to get referrals from. School shrinks is difficult to get appointments with and is just okay, but at the very least, he wasn't homo/transphobic. I'm just not able to handle a lot of other times.
Member # 36725
posted 01-08-2011 03:37 PM
You know, feeling incomplete sometimes in any area is normal, that includes in your gender. It's a matter of continually working to see where you fit best. But know it takes time, and in time you'll find what feels right and best for you.
A lot of people spend time as the best friend person before they become the partner person. It's never easy hearing people you like say that, and never fun, but it takes a while to find the right person. Don't give up on yourself there, it'll happen. Though something I will say is before you find someone that wants to love you for you, it's important to love yourself for you. (As per work, it's the same... finding where you fit best and where someone will see your talents a the asset to their business). I'm a certified special education teacher. I don't have all the answers, but if you'd like to talk some about what tests you took I can explain some of why they are the way they are. But know, they're certainly not perfect. As well, if you want to talk about ways you can be more active, we can talk about that too. Per the high sex drive, it varies person to person and time to time. But even if you don't have a partner there's ways you can work through that on your own (either physically via masturbation, finding other outlets, finding ways to substitute those feelings for another activity,etc). These feelings can absolutely be overwhelming sometimes, but remember that you're in control of your own body. Those may also help with not having sex with partners when you're really not feeling like you want to be with them. Can I ask why the person you're seeing is temporary? Are you not able to continue seeing them, or you don't want to be seeing them?
Member # 51847
posted 01-08-2011 09:19 PM
The councilor is temporary due to the nature of how the University counseling department is structured.
They're there mostly to deal with short term problems and make referrals. It's frustrating as you have trouble building relationships with a councilor. The disability test I took was to test for LD's. I was giving it a try to see if that was the route of my issues. I know I'm really high functioning and bright. I was stated to "be at risk for ADHD" on the test. I was taught how to read my results by various disability folks. I found bits of it problematic and had them confirmed by a few critical disability MA students. I was being tested by a Psych Master's Student, but the clinical interview was done with the actual psychiatrist who has extensive experience. I was administered the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scales IV, Wechsler Memory Scales IV, the Wechsler Individual Achievement Test II, the Nelson Denny Reading Test, Detailed Assessment of Speed of Handwriting, Conners' Wells Adolescent Self Report, Personality Assessment Inventory, and a Clinical Interview. Covered basic academic skills, different types of memory, speed, and reasoning. My average of everything was just hitting the high average ranking. Notably, my ability to Code was off the charts. They ignored my genderqueerness, got some facts completely wrong (such as my other language), and also ignored most of the issues I was facing. I noticed some phrases that caused me to question something about the results. "Mr. -ME- was always eager to engage the examiner in conversations and he often spoke in abstract terms." ""Several times during the assessment he reacted by jumping and making a squeaking sound in response to an unknown noise. For example, he jumped and squeaked when the office phone below on the first level rang. This reaction was consistent throughout the assessment" Apparently, these are normative behaviour. The latter, I didn't know was a result of my confirmed physical disability. It's a side effect of my unilateral hearing. Also, talking about pain, social problems, and facing home issues aren't worth noting or just stating within a report. From my own education prior to the test (last year), I was thinking I might have something vaguely around the aspergers or high functioning autism spectrum. I've had some pretty well respected friends of mine who posed the questions. Also had random folks come up to me and ask me if I had aspergers. The latter may be because aspergers is now the "in" disorder to claim to have. I didn't test for either according to the interview. And I can agree with it now I know a bit more than I did. I do have one friend with aspergers and another with high functioning autism. The former has can't really feel empathy and can come off as even more offensive than me. The latter I have recently noticed as certain speech patterns and I've noticed the circles in which her minds works. Also, a lot of trouble keeping eye contact. My final result was that I was brilliant, had no issues, and had a bright future ahead of me. The results which are predominantly copy and pasted results from things I wrote myself (and some of which were not understood such as explicitly queer things) number crunching, and maybe a couple pages of actual analysis into behaviour and background. It made me feel like they ignored everything that I had trouble with. If they had designed a test that went over my motor skills, social skills in many different situations, navigating forms, and systems, they'd see a totally different side of me. Everything was testing me in ways that I already knew how to get around and navigate. I was placed in the gifted class in grade school and was administered quite a few of those tests as a small kid. Some of the more recent guesses, one by a psychologist (schedule conflicts with his, and he made me a bit uncomfortable) who mused over non-verbal learning disability, and my school disability advocate thinks I should explore brain damage. As a young child, I experienced extensive mental trauma, was in a car accident that left a scar above my right eye (I had my dad confirm that I wasn't checked over), and I'm aware I was raised by a mother who clearly has issues and more recently a psychosis. The issues I face on a regular basis is failing to read people's non-verbal cues, social filters, social cues, working through systems such as the work force, bureaucracy, fashion, and self image. What I'm basically good at are systems that I've managed to dissect, examine, learn the theories behind, and master. The education system (just classes), "diversity politics", and aspects of social work are areas that I am really good at.
Member # 36725
posted 01-09-2011 11:08 AM
There’s a LOT of information here, so I’m going to break my answer up like you have your sections to try and hit on everything. But if I miss over something just let me know and I’ll circle back to it for you.
It’s strange to see a University’s counseling department working this was, but I can understand with the number of students it making sense to work this way. So what you want to do is try to be open and honest with them about what’s going on as best you can (I know this can be really difficult) because it will help them to make the best-informed decision on whom may be best to refer you to. Per the test for learning disabilities – ever test you take will be a bit different, but in general it doesn’t take into account everything about your personal life, past traumas, race, religion, etc. Gender often plays a part only because it’s known that certain disabilities are more prevalent in certain bodied-gender. For instance, some disabilities hit more for girls or female-bodied births, while others are more prevalent in boys or male-bodied births. But even there, it doesn’t have a huge change occurring within the test itself very often, it’s simply a starting and indication place for testing administrators. The “at risk” for ADHD would mean you were close to the cutting like, but not quite there. It also may take into account the supposed reactions and conversations (which I can’t really speak to having not been there). You said yourself you’re high functioning, so it’s not surprising that your scores showed similar results to that. A test for learning disabilities means just that, something that impedes your ability to learn. If you’re high functioning, then you likely wouldn’t be getting results saying you have a learning disability (unless the test was putting you into the “gifted” category. Each test you take is a bit different, and there’s tons of them. But generally they put you just around the same place. But as I said above, there’s really no reason to suspect you’d get different results than what you scored if you are high functioning. Too, the other language wouldn’t matter unless it was not your primary language (or could not speak well enough in the language the test was being given). It should have been correct on the test for sure, but it doesn’t change the results any that it wasn’t. Per the behaviors, yes they are known to be prevalent in people that have UHL, because it throws off your sense of “presentness” when hearing sounds, and jumpiness can ensue. But again, talking about those other factors (pain, social problems (which are also noted as prevalent for people with UHL) and home issues) would not have really been taken into account in the testing, because the test doesn’t account for that. As per the test for the autism spectrum, these tests you were administered actually don’t cover that. There is a very specific test for autism spectrum (including aspergers) and actually there is NOT one that is yet adult inclusive. Autism spectrum disorders are tested for in children, and the older you are the less reliable the tests will be. I’m not sure I understand why you’re so adamant about being tested for learning disabilities when you’re doing well in academic areas. As I said above, the learning disabilities impede your learning, so you’d really see a drop in grades in a class (like dyscalculia would affect math, where-as a learning disability in reading like dyslexia could affect any and all subjects because reading is crucial in all areas.) There’s ways to work through things like not reading social clues etc. that don’t involve help in terms that you would get for a learning disability.
Member # 51847
posted 01-10-2011 01:16 AM
Thanks for that info...
I was actually placed into the "gifted" category when I was 8 and went through that system. Talking things over here has at least helped me to sort out ideas and clamp down on the roiling chaotic feelings. I still need to address my self esteem/body image, gender, and sexual issues. But my mind is a bit clearer as in the things I need to be working on. Some concrete things I'd love to be able to do is learn how to style my hair, more ways on how to queer clothes in a fat body (Waiting for Genderplayful Market to open...) and understand the difference between feeling beautiful and caving in to the fashion/body fascist industry. Lots of everything are waiting until I have a chance to work things out with folks in real life...
Member # 36725
posted 01-10-2011 06:14 AM
Just running through on my way to work but wanted to check in on you fast. I'm glad talking things out has given you some perspective - and I think if you remember this whole process works in baby steps you'll get through it soon enough. I've got some thoughts per the concrete's you want to do - so I'll come through and pass them along after work if nobody else gets to them
Member # 36725
posted 01-10-2011 10:57 PM
Jian: Sorry to be so late getting back to you. It's been a long day and really just needed some time to clear thoughts. So I know you're using this counselor more for referrals,but have you started thinking towards how you want some sessions to go once you *do* get in to see someone more permanently? Per the body image issues, what are you doing to work towards being okay with you, or getting you to where you want to be. I saw you mention above about feeling you're fat, so are you working towards exercise where you may feel comfortable (whether that means in your room with some music or a tape, walking around outside, etc? Maybe finding a friend to walk a track with?
Also, per the hair, how about visiting a local salon for some help there? I'd also suggest you look around for some local LGBTQ services or groups. It may help in a long way with being more comfortable as you.
Member # 51847
posted 01-13-2011 01:01 AM
Thanks for info thus far. I'll try and take it with me into the session tomorrow.
I'm working on a theoretical framework in some regards. I study gender and sexuality and our motto is "it's the fault of society". But it leaves gaps... Like how I still feel bad about myself at the end of the day. I feel like trying to become "thin" is conforming to societal norms and I'll actually start having to deal with being hit on by sleazeball body fascists which is a pretty big point to me. I'm not opposed to changes in my lifestyle for holistic reasons, but if it's for "losing weight" I'm quite offended. I'd rather learn how to become okay with me and becoming more "me" whatever that means. I know I won't grow as a person as effectively until I manage to confront myself. I've been trying to hunt down salons for the past few years. I had a hairdresser who was amazing a few years ago, but she retired and haven't found anyone like her since. *sigh* She was able to cut my hair in a way that I didn't have to use products to make it how I liked. As for the local queer services, I help run the one on campus. I WAS the eccentric activist child in my teens, still haven't lost it yet! But the problem is it's really tough getting them to hear or see you without an advocate bulldozing past bureaucracy. I couldn't do it on my own...
Member # 51847
posted 01-14-2011 02:19 AM
Shrinks is not going to be useful. Too straight to be able to help me deal with the things I need to get done. Although being not-homo/transphobic was really great.
I'm back to my old square with a piece of paper with resources to try and contact and get help from. *sigh* I have a distress number just in case I sink too far, but I still feel not-right. I wish I could magically find someone to help me sort out all of these feelings and have a sympathetic doctor to help reclaim this husk-I-call-a-body...
Member # 94519
posted 02-07-2012 08:29 PM
As far as your sexuality goes, you really need to become comfortable with your before you start thinking about your sexual orientation. Being fat IS NOT A BAD THING. At a certain point it is a health issue, and this is when I suggest working out. But if you're not overweight, than this is more a matter of coming to love you.
Most of the pop idols these days are actually not healthy or realistic. They have abnormally long legs, and are usually anorexic/bulimic/malnourished (if not underweight naturally). They are NOT a good idea. I will tell you right now that, as an artist, I prefer drawing fat people over skinny people (I also prefer cuddling with them!). They've got more curves and shadows, and so they're more interesting to draw. As far as cuddling goes; tell me, would you prefer cuddling a rock or a stuffed animal? On penis size, the average penis length is 12.7mm (also the average vaginal canal length). But to those on the receiving end, it doesn't so much matter how long it is, but what you can DO with it. If they really care for you, they won't care how big or long you are. It's what makes you special! Just because you like being on bottom doesn't mean you necessarily have to be receiving. Ever tried being ridden? It might be just what you need! Not everyone likes anal. Heck, not everyone likes penetration. Buy a fleshlight or a knock-off; maybe you prefer being the pitcher. As for the sex drive, I feel for you. Best part? I CAN'T get off on masturbation OR unemotional sex. I HAVE to like them, HAVE to be comfortable, and it CAN'T be me. Yay, demisexuality~ But maybe that's you, too? Look into it. It does sound like you have a mild form of Asperger's. But maybe you're just unnamed- which is fine, as long as you can get help. I'm something that's not schizophrenia, but I can't tell reality from fantasy on my own. They can't explain that; they don't have a name for it. But I'm getting help, and that's what is important.