T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95422
posted 10-01-2013 01:11 AM
I'm 20 years old and was a virgin up until last night.
I'm seeing this guy "J" (who I've been seeing on and off for about a year) but he refuses to date until he can date with the purpose of marriage (rather- support us financially, have a place to live and be completely sure he wants to marry me). And yes, not being able to "officially" be together tears me up. ANYWAY I grew up in a very Christian home, with a huge, HUGE emphasis put on being a virgin until marriage. Being older now, I have some different views and my priorities changed to "I want to have sex with the person I am in love with, and who is in love with me". So, me and J had sex for the first time. We had both been wanting to forever, but he kept refusing because he didn't want me to be any more possessive over him than I already am, or to get hurt if he did something stupid later on. He originally said: "I love you too much to have sex with you." So, long backstory there because I just needed to get out some of my feelings. So here's the thing: We used a condom and I'm on birth control. We must've tried for 10 minutes to get J's penis in, and just couldn't (yes I was a little nervous and uncomfortable). We finally got it in, and I was in huge amounts of pain, tears were streaming from my eyes from the pain. I was laying on my back on the bed, he was standing and put my legs up to his shoulders and we were going at it. I felt something tear which hurt REALLY bad, he said it was my hymen. Later after he was in I wasn't in near as much pain and I was able to enjoy it, and he let me go my own pace for the most part. I didn't cum, he did. We sat and talked about it afterward, he said it was amazing, I lied and said it was fantastic, even with the pain. He told me he was honored that I chose him to have my first time with, and he was very sweet. Later I realized I was bleeding, and had a tear on the outside of my vagina- where the skin between the anus and vagina is. It was like my vagina was cut and elongated toward my butt. Great. It hurt like hell to sit down, it still hurts, and I've been having a good amount of brown discharge all day (I never have discharge or blood anymore since I've been on birth control). I told him that I thought I had a tear in my vagina and he got really worried. Later he kept calling to see how I was doing, and to comment on how beautiful and amazing last night was. Ha. I just don't know what happened, and I don't know what to do now that I've given myself to this guy who I'm in love with and loves me, but isn't IN love with me. Yes, there were bits of last night that were beautiful and amazing (I had no idea about the whole new level of connection that comes with having sex, it's beautiful!), but for the most part it hurt like hell. What can we do to make me relax next time and not hurt so bad? Will the second time hurt less? Do you have any idea what's going on with the discharge, or what happened with my vagina? And also any ideas how to let go a little and just go with the flow for this relationship? Gah, I'm sorry I have so many questions. I'm just really overwhelmed. You guys are amazing and have helped me so much with everything. I've been using this site since I was about 17 and super clueless and sheltered from all things sex (and terrified).
Member # 90293
posted 10-01-2013 08:33 AM
I'm sorry to hear that this all turned out to be so fraught with confusion and worry for you. There's a lot here, so if I don't get to all of it in this post, know that we will get to it. It sounds like there's a lot going on here, not only with the sexual experience, but with this relationship as a whole. i'll talk about the sex first. I'm sorry to hear it was so painful for you. I'd like to check on a few things that will help us figure out what's going on with that. Did you use extra lubricant aside from what was on the condom? You've said that you were nervous and not feeling terribly relaxed. Did you engage in other sexual activities before the intercourse? Were you feeling aroused? Being nervous usually makes vaginal muscles tense up, which can make entry difficult and painful. It's unlikely that what you felt tearing was your hymen. the hymen, or as we call it, the corona, is a thin membrane at the very opening of the vagina, which usually wears away over time. Since you're describing having a cut, it sounds like it was your vaginal tissue itself that tore. if that doesn't start to heal in a day or two, I'd suggest seeing a healthcare provider to have it looked at. Can I check in with you about why you felt like you had to tell him that the sex was wonderful when it wasn't for you? I think that's really important to talk about before talking about what to do with any future sexual encounters, because honesty and open communication are a big part of having comfortable, mutually satisfying partnered sexual experiences. Understand, this isn't me chiding you for not having been honest. I'm just saying that I think it's worth talking about that as well as about the physical parts of your experience. You may have read these already, but I'm giving you a couple of articles to follow up on the questions I asked above. My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Member # 95422
posted 10-01-2013 12:01 PM
No, we didn't use any extra lubricant, yes we did engage in some making out and fingering before hand, I was aroused, but I don't think it was enough. Then the tear I was feeling was definitely my vagina... ow. He's self-conscious about his body, and about the size of his penis (which is average). He was very concerned before we ever had sex about actually having it. I felt like I had to give him a little ego boost I guess, I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. And I actually have read both of those articles. Do you have any idea why I would still be having brown discharge 2 days later? Like I said, I haven't had any sort of bleeding or even discharge in about a year, since I've been on birth control. Thank you Robin.
Member # 90293
posted 10-01-2013 02:42 PM
I'm not sure why you're having brown discharge, and given that you do have a vaginal tear, and that you experienced a lot of pain, I'd suggest getting yourself checked out just to make sure there's no infection of any sort. What you're describing sounds like a pretty significant injury, and while it may be that all that needs to happen is for it to have time to heal on its own, getting things checked out is a good idea. You'll also want to avoid any sort of genital sexual activity until this completely heals. you know, if you think you weren't aroused enough, then you probably weren't. Added to that, from what you've described, there was some nervousness, and some tension around insertion, which probably didn't help your level of arousal. Lubricant is a must with condom use and, for a lot of people, with vaginal intercourse in general. It reduces friction, which reduces the risk of a condom breaking, and keeps the delicate tissues of the vagina from being rubbed raw, or even torn. I certainly understand how you want to spare this guy's feelings, and show care and respect for him. It strikes me though that it's not actually showing a lot of consideration or respect for him to be dishonest. The fact that you experienced pain with this sexual activity, and not a lot of (if any?) pleasure, isn't his fault, or yours. It was something you both tried that didn't go very well for you. Yet, I hear you taking complete responsibility for it without sharing your true experience. While loving someone and caring for them does mean being considerate of their feelings, it doesn't mean trying to boost those feelings at our own expense. If it's something you're both considering doing together again, doesn't he have the right to know how it went the first time so he can be part of figuring out how to make it go better next time if it's something you choose to do again? Do you often find yourself hiding your feelings or your true thoughts about things because you don't want to hurt this guy's feelings? I'm also curious about something you said above. You said that you and he aren't dating. Since the two of you have been sexual with each other, and hav spent time together, I'm curious what it is you're doing if it's not dating? That is, how does do your interactions differ from dating?
Member # 95422
posted 10-01-2013 03:14 PM
I was reading up on the brown discharge and read it may be an early sign of pregnancy, and I'm slightly concerned. I don't see how it could be SO early, and I don't see how it's possible to be pregnant if I'm on birth control and we used a condom...
Where would I need to be checked out? My OBGYN? Or would a health care center work? And I know this sounds silly but, if we were to have sex again and use a condom, why would it be a problem to not wait for it to heal? Is it because it would re-open or is it because there a greater risk of infection? You're right about the feelings thing. And I was very open about how much it hurt, but I lied and told him I came. :/ I guess next time I will tell him how it really was and see if we can work on it. Because I'm pretty sure this won't be our last time, I hope not at least. And no, I pretty much am open with how I feel. He knows the whole relationship we've got going on bugs me and that I want to "officially" be together. And we kind of are, we both have a verbal commitment agreement that we wouldn't date/sleep with anyone else, and that if we met someone else we'd let each other know. I guess we sort of are in a relationship. Our interactions don't differ, we really ARE dating I suppose. He just refuses to call it that. We spend time together every day, or at least every other day. He has said he doesn't want to "officially be together" yet because when we do, he wants to be in a relationship destined for marriage. But technically, we're already in a relationship. It's kind of weird, haha.
Member # 90293
posted 10-01-2013 06:02 PM
I can tell you with certainty that the brown discharge isn't from pregnancy.
Even if you were to have gotten pregnant (which is more than unlikely given that you used two forms of birth control) your body wouldn't be pregnant so soon. It takes over a week for pregnancy to occur, if it's going to. Check it out: Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction You know how when you have a cut or scrape, it needs time to heal and ideally at first it should be covered up, kept clean, or both? It's the same with your genitals, and even more so since the genital tissue is so delicate. So, both things you suggested--infection and irritation of the cut--are possible. Any place that provides health care that you're able to get to should work. You'd just want a healthcare provider to look at the injury to make sure it's healing okay on its own. You and your partner (I'll call him that for convenience) may not be aware that it's actually pretty uncommon for women to orgasm from vaginal intercourse all by itself. So, it really is truly okay, and in both your interests, for you to be honest with him. He may also wonder why, if you have intercourse again, you don't orgasm when you told him you did the first time. Now, it could be that you wil orgasm with future intercourse, but, again, it's unlikely you'll do so just from intercourse alone. It's completely up to you what you do, but it might be sound for you to 'fess up now and explain why you told him something that wasn't true. What do you think? I see what you're saying about the relationship that's essentially a relationship but your partner doesn't want to call it that. Different terms mean different things to different people. How do you feel about not being able to call this a relationship or to be able to call him your boyfriend/partner?