T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 108481
posted 09-15-2013 02:34 PM
First off I want to thank the heavens for this wonderful site. I'd be going crazy without it. Anyway, I apologize if this is too long, but I feel like I have no one else to talk to about this.
I'm 16 and I have a wonderful boyfriend, friends and family. However, I feel pressured to be a good "innocent girl" because everyone thinks I am. However, one night my bf and I got a little carried away and I..well I ONLY performed oral on him. (We are both virgins) The thing is, I wanted to at the moment, and so did he. But now I keep thinking about how I've "lost my innocence" and I feel bad. What would my friends and family think? They'd probably be ashamed... I haven't gone "all the way" yet because one, I have yet to get on birth control, and two, I'm like extremely paranoid of becoming pregnant. That's always been a fear of mine. I don't know why. I even got really stressed out and worried myself sick once because I thought fingering could get someone pregnant. But then I discovered that it can't by constantly reading every article on this site. Another thing is that I find it hard to enjoy any intimate experiences with my partner because I'm constantly thinking about what my parents would be saying if they knew what we were doing. I hate to dissapoint them. I really do. They're not highly religious or anything. Just strict. :/ I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that I'm scared of growing up and losing my childhood innocence. I'm scared if the risks sexual activities have and I'm scared of what my mom and dad would say I'd I asked for BC. How can I overcome this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated..
Member # 108403
posted 09-15-2013 03:12 PM
Your exactly like me I get the same feeling like what would my mum think they'd be disappointed. I'm like the smart good girl well that's what I'm seen as in my house so I feel like I have to live up to that expectations and from what I'm reading you feel the same towards your family?
Honestly if the time feels right for you and your boyfriend and you both happy and ready to do what your feel comfortable with I don't see the harm, you family was young once they just don't like to admit it. Aslong as your being safe which you are enjoy being intimate with your partner, and don't live up to anyone's expectations but your own I think the fear of pregnancy is common In young girls I have it mysef and again it's because what my parents would think I know they'd be dissapointed. Just in case your unaware you can go in birth control without your parents knowing if you'd feel less worried about pregnancy that way even if you ain't having sex yet or if you on it then just incase you do decide to have sex your being safe; by all means I'm not saying go behind your parents back and do it if that's not something you want to do I'm just saying that you can I always feel like most girls have a 'innocence' to live up to in a way, as for boys seem to get more freedom than girls I find in y household only because they worry about me but I do feel like I'm meant to be the sweet and innocent one:) again the best advice I can give your if dont live up to anyone's expectations but your own and aslong as you feel ready and are happy being in an intimate relationship with your partner then do so it's a part of growing up But if you do not feel ready for that yet and you feel like bad about it then that's not a problem either, when you say it was something you wanted to do at the moment does that mean.. You wish you didnt now? If so then I don't think your ready which like I said it fine maybe just slow down a little and take things a little slower so you can figure out your feelings [ 09-15-2013, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Mylah ]
Member # 3
posted 09-15-2013 03:15 PM
I can't speak for you, Brooke, but I'm personally not a fan of the framework of "innocence" as something that's about sex and sexuality, and as something that is somehow "lost," period, but particularly if and when someone engages in a wanted, consensual kind of sexual activity. It just not only doesn't make any sense to me per what that word really means, it also doesn't seem to help people, that framework. It only seems to result in people feeling crummy, so far as I can tell, and putting weird judgments on themselves or others.
But I hear you saying that the way things are for you right now, per your life as a whole, and how you're feeling with what you feel up to handling with life, being sexually active might not be the thing for you. I hear you saying it's not something you feel good about yet, is something you feel you have to hide from people who care about you, and that it's all scaring you more than leaving you feeling happy and good. So, my best advice for you, and anyone when they're in a space like this, is to step back from any kind of sex and first get cracking on sorting some of these feelings out. I hear you, for example, talking about other people's sexual values: but what are yours? I hear you saying you feel really scared around all of this: what do you think you'd need to feel comfortable? I hear you saying you want to hold on to your childhood -- or go a bit more slowly into emerging adulthood: so why not do that instead of rushing in to what sounds like some things you just don't feel ready for or sure about yet?
Member # 108481
posted 09-15-2013 09:51 PM
Wow thank you all so much!! I'm glad I've finally got this off my chest. I may not have truly been ready to have done what I did, and won't be for awhile. I'll definitely take a step back and figure out what I need to do that will make myself comfortable and be one hundred percent sure about going any further.
You're both right. I'm the one in charge of what I want to do, and nobody else should get in the way of that. Another thing is that I always try to tell my parents everything that happens in my life. I hate keeping secrets from them. I wont tell them what I did that night though, but I feel weird keeping it from them. But if I did go on BC without telling my mother then I'd probably feel really guilty. So i'll definitely have to talk to her about that.. I hope I'll be fine with doing those things with my partner soon. I just want to be safe, confident and comfortable. Thanks
Member # 108403
posted 09-16-2013 02:12 AM
I agree I'm the same
it seems like you have a really close bond with your family which it's great do talk to her about when you feel ready I'm sure shell understand. It's really good that you can see your not ready and what to step back until you are, as for what you did that night it's what your thought you wanted at the time so don't let it eat up at you you've realised now your not ready as for not wanted to tell your parents that's fine to I'm sure it'll get easier. Just remember you didnt do anything wrong that night to feel guilty or horrible about its what you thought you wants an theirs nothing wrong in that
Member # 3
posted 09-16-2013 10:23 AM
One thing I would add is that most people don't tell their parents, no matter how old they are, all about their sexual lives, just like most parents don't do that with their children, again, no matter how old they are. having some privacy and boundaries in this respect is okay, and doesn't have to be about secrecy or shame or hiding.
So, in deciding what you want to share or not, now or moving forward, know it's really more about the why's of not sharing -- do you just want some privacy and healthy boundaries, or is this about fear of disapproval, guilt, trying to appear a different person to people than you are, etc. -- than anything else.