T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 95998
posted 05-02-2013 11:02 PM
So, this may sound like a really dumb question, but: is there a way to shut off having feelings for someone (as in a crush)?
Basically, with my latest crush, I thought we were getting along really well until he totally stopped messaging me altogether. Just out of the blue. I didn't ask him out or anything; we just shared songs from bands that we like, and we talked in person after class. It was kind of disappointing considering as I got to know more about him, I liked him more and felt at ease with him and noticed how we had a lot in common, and he seemed to be interested in knowing about me, too. Oh, well, that's just a (crappy) part of life. The crush I had before him asked me out, ignored me for two months and then proceeded to pretend as if nothing happened by acting like he was my best friend who, in his words, "he hadn't seen in forever". He also decided to follow me around campus when I stopped expressing interest in him (and I go to a big-*ss college, dude). I figured I deserve to not be ignored, which is why I stopped showing interest. It was a blast to keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of the semester to make sure we weren't in the same place at the same time (and inevitably he would show up when I wasn't expecting it). At first I was in denial about him following me even though we didn't have the same majors or interests or anything (and I just figured that after the first 15 or so times it was still a coincidence). But then it got to the point where I was unwillingly seeing him more than my friends... and I hang out with my friends A LOT. I guess I denied it for a while, because I figured if I could attract someone who's that creepy, then what does that say about me? I didn't want to have to answer that question. There have also been countless other instances where crushes have decided they have another "better" option or that they absolutely have no interest in me (even if they did initially). On the plus side: I'm back home away from my passive-aggressive roommate who would occassionally make snarky jokes about me being single since she has a girlfriend (who moved in with us even though that's not allowed in our dorm). I guess being away from her and not having to be around her negative energy has helped me to see the positive things I saw in myself before going to college: I'm smart, talented, kind, funny, caring, a good friend and fairly attractive (even if I haven't worked out in a while due to medical issues). And frankly (I might sound entitled here), I deserve to be treated better than the way crushes have treated me; I deserve respect and someone who's into me as much as I'm into them, dammit, and I'm fed up with the dating scene. I've learned that it's overrated, and I'd be better off if I didn't have crushes on people in the first place and I'd rather just do my own thing and have fun and hang out with friends while being single since it seems to be a lot less drama. /rant I'm in a bunch of activities and clubs and performance groups on campus, and I've got a bunch of wonderful friends who I care about and who care about me, too. I just wanna stop liking people in a non-platonic way, because it never seems to end well. Any suggestions on how I can avoid having these crushes? Any advice would be appreciated! [ 05-02-2013, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 90293
posted 05-03-2013 07:55 AM
Hey Music Nerd,
I'm really sorry to hear how frustrating this has all been. How can you stop having crushes? It's not likely that you can. It's pretty darn hard to control feelings. What you *can* do is control your behaviour. So, when you get back to school, if you're still wanting to not fuss with the dating scene, you can choose to not act on any amorous feelings you have for people. It's likely to feel a little, or a lot icky, not to act on these feelings, but it can be done. By the way, it says nothing about you, good or bad, that you were attracted to someone who turned out to be creepy. Many creepy people are very, very good at hiding their creepiness untilll said creepiness serves them. does this help at all?
Member # 95998
posted 05-03-2013 09:40 AM
Hey Robin! Thanks for your response.
"Frustrating" is actually the perfect word for this whole situation. It's nice to know that you don't think his creepiness is a reflection of who I am. I guess it'll just take me a while to get myself out of that mindset, considering I'm normally very good at picking up on people's creepiness and avoiding them; I guess I feel like I let myself down in that respect. You know, my whole life up until now I've never ever acted on my feelings for someone; this is definitely new for me. This was mostly due to either: 1. Not being allowed to date at the time and being told that there are other more important things to focus on (which is true, but still: it would've been nice to have had some experience so that by now I'd have maybe a slight idea as to what the hell I'm doing) or 2. Being too painfully shy to even start a conversation with someone I liked. I guess I just don't wanna go back to those days where I'd find out years later that someone I liked had also liked me, they moved on and I'd kick myself for not having done anything about it. On one hand, I'm tired of being attracted to people who don't give a sh*t about me/my feelings/my boundaries; but on the other hand, I know I'll drive myself crazy with "What if?"s if I don't act on my feelings. I feel like if I stop having crushes (which, yes, seems irrational) then I won't have to make that decision and inevitably be let down. It's nice when I have moments where I'm not crushing on anyone and I'm just chilling with my friends. But then, BAM! I meet someone; and even though I get that giddy feeling that normally comes with it (and if I like them enough, sometimes I think about what it'd be like to date them; though I try to keep myself from thinking that since I don't want to get my hopes up), in the back of my mind I'm like, "Oh, shit! Not this again." I just don't know what to do anymore. It's times like these where I'm like, "Ugh, feelings! Why do you exist? Why is that a thing?!" haha [ 05-03-2013, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 90293
posted 05-03-2013 10:03 AM
It definitely doesn't feel good when you put yourself out there, a thing that's been, in the past, hard for you to do, and it works out badly.
I think that's part of life, though, taking the bad with the good. Can you think of a time when you put yourself outthere/did something outside of your comfort zone this past year at college when it worked out well for you?
Member # 95998
posted 05-03-2013 10:12 AM
quote: I think that's part of life, though, taking the bad with the good. Mm, yeah, I guess. It just sucks big time when the bad outnumbers the good in this part of my life.
A time I stepped out of my comfort zone was when I volunteered to read a biography for one of the speakers at Take Back the Night this semester. I absolutely hate public speaking (almost as much as I hate soap operas and writing essays ), but I figured for such an amazing event it would be worth it. Even though I was fumbling for a minute or two looking for the right sheet of paper to read, I laughed it off and my friends were laughing and cheering for me.
Member # 90293
posted 05-03-2013 11:52 AM
It also sounds like you've met a lot of friends and connected with a lot of new people. It definitely does suck that things aren't going the way you'd like with your romantic life. Meeting people can be hard, and connecting with them on a romantic level even tougher. It doesn't sound, though, like you're doing anything wrong, for what it's worth.
Member # 102566
posted 05-03-2013 12:14 PM
Hey there MusicNerd!
As a college student, and also out of coincidence, I can strongly relate to this. It seems that some of the people you met this year didn't treat you the way you deserved to be treated, and that really sucks. However, it sounds like you have a fantastic attitude about it all AND yourself, and that's a great thing. So, about crushes... the thing is, I'm pretty sure they're called crushes because they have a tendency to end crushingly for the afflicted person. I've recently wondered if we're affected by the same kind of crushes when we're 13 versus 19, and I think, after a few years of crushing, we just get used to the feeling. The way crushes sortof surprise you doesn't really change, though. So, to answer your question long-windedly, I'm not sure there's much we can do about stopping them. One way to look at it is to sort of go with the flow and enjoy the ride, rather than let it sort of dominate you and your feelings. Try not to take them too seriously or create certain expectations; as in life, unmet expectations can result in disappointment. And when crushes, which can potentially be fun to have, are associated with repeated feelings of disappointment, you may end up feeling a bit jaded. I think we can breathe a little life into crushing on people, in that if we don't take it too seriously, the whole experience may end up being more fun than disappointing, even if it doesn't necessarily end the way we want it to. I half wish there were a more straight forward answer to your question... it might make life a lot easier. On the other hand, it might make it a little less interesting. [ 05-03-2013, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Allie R ]
Member # 95998
posted 05-03-2013 12:36 PM
Yeah, I really have made a lot of awesome friends this year. quote: Meeting people can be hard, and connecting with them on a romantic level even tougher. It doesn't sound, though, like you're doing anything wrong, for what it's worth. Tell me about it! I feel like I was given the short end of the stick when it comes to crushes. I feel like some people can just really easily click with people romantically, and end up in different relationships as often as I make new friends. I don't think I'll ever understand how they do it.
Well, I'm glad you don't think I'm doing anything wrong. But sometimes (I try to keep my thoughts from going there, but as seen in another thread they sometimes go there) I can't help but wonder if there is, you know? Like, I know that theoretically there's nothing "wrong" with me, but it doesn't add up to how I've been treated by crushes. I've been told to not think about that and instead focus on other things, but if I take on more interests/clubs/activities I might have to clone myself. haha So, I've continued to try and convince myself out of the thought that there's something actually wrong with me for not having had romantic or sexual partners yet, but I also worry that if I do happen to meet someone with a mutual attraction to me, that they might think something's wrong with me for having virtually no experience in this area. I'm turning 19 next month and I haven't even kissed anyone yet let alone had sex or any sort of relationship, and I know that sometimes people feel pressure in dealing with inexperienced people. [ 05-03-2013, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 95998
posted 05-03-2013 12:51 PM
Hey Allie! (Sorry for the whole "two different posts in a row" thing. I'm having trouble going back and editing from my phone right now.) quote: One way to look at it is to sort of go with the flow and enjoy the ride, rather than let it sort of dominate you and your feelings. Try not to take them too seriously or create certain expectations; as in life, unmet expectations can result in disappointment. Hey Allie!
That's also another really dumb problem I have that's only developed this year. I guess I created this expectation of, "Well, since I'm older and in college, and since I couldn't do this when I was younger, I can do whatever now!" I guess I attached the possibility of connecting with someone romantically or sexually (not necessarily both at the same time) onto that naive, gung-ho mindset. *facepalm*
Member # 102566
posted 05-03-2013 01:05 PM
Don't beat yourself up over it! That includes facepalming. I think a lot of us feel that way when we go to college- it's the time for new beginnings and new experiences, which may or may not include sexual experiences.
I'm a little torn on this topic. I think the college atmosphere allows a bit of sexual freedom, but I think it might even pressures students to participate in behaviors they would normally not engage in, because they feel obligated to as college students. So, it's important to remember who you are and what you want while you're here. Not to say that you don't want those things, though. And it's perfectly okay to not have "done" certain things at any point. I have a friend- who has been sexually active for a few years- who is dating someone who had never been sexually active until he started dating her. They're doing perfectly fine, and I think it has to do with how she didn't judge him for it. You might be looking for certain things in a relationship and a potential partner, but I posit that respect is nonnegotiable, and if someone respects you, they won't care about that nonsense. Also, your signature is very relevant to this discussion. [ 05-03-2013, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Allie R ]
Member # 105716
posted 05-03-2013 10:45 PM
Believe me, there are plenty of people out there who haven't connected with someone romantically or sexually at your age yet. I'm one of them.
Like you, I was (and probably still am) too shy to act when I was interested romantically in someone, though my depression didn't help. As far as wanting to be rid of feelings, I can tell you that it's impossible. Believe me, I've tried with my depression, and it's actually a terrible way to go. Your feelings are a part of who you are. If you distance yourself from your feelings,you'll only end up alienating yourself internally, which will only make things worse. On the other hand, you don't sound depressed, which is good. My advice for you is not to give up hope. If you keep trying to put yourself out there romantically, you will probably meet someone you like who won't treat you like a candy wrapper stuck to their shoe. Who knows? They might even grow to like you back.
Member # 95998
posted 05-04-2013 12:10 AM
Well, that's good to know that not everyone judges someone based on their lack of experience. I'm also kinda worried about what they'd think if they knew I was bi too (since there are so many stupid stereotypes about it), but I guess I'll actually worry about it if I ever happen to meet someone with whom I have a mutual attraction. (I wish I could apply my signature to my life.) I'll try not to facepalm so much, but sometimes it's hard. Hey nosalis! I'm so sorry that you went through that! Yeah, I guess that might not be the best idea for me to do that. :/ And being away from my roommate has really helped, like really helped, to keep my feelings of depression from being constant (like a hopelessness-24/7-but-let-me-seem-totally-okay-to-my-friends kinda thing that I was feeling before); now it's more like "some days are better/worse than others", which is an improvement so I'll take it. Yeah, it might take me a while to put myself out there, and sometimes I'm kinda cynical about my crushes liking me back enough to want to be with me; and I'm trying to push past those thoughts (like, "well, it hasn't happened to me before, so why would it happen now?"). But, even though I'm still a bit doubtful about it happening for me, it still would be really nice to find someone who didn't treat me "like a candy wrapper stuck to their shoe". [ 05-04-2013, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 103145
posted 05-04-2013 04:24 PM
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss I love this quote. Nice signature
. Something that has really helped me be who I am and say what I feel is to surround myself with people who are exactly who they are and who say what they feel. It makes it so much easier to be yourself. When I was in college I had friends who were really trying to be someone they weren't and live up to an image of who they thought they should be and it made it really hard for me to feel comfortable being myself and freely expressing myself. Once I changed my surroundings (found different friends) I was encouraged to be myself and say what I was feeling and it felt AWESOME
Member # 95998
posted 05-05-2013 02:03 PM
Thanks! I'm actually thinking about getting it tattooed across my ribs. The strange thing is that I can be myself and say whatever and be totally goofy around my friends (and, you're right, it does feel totally awesome!! ); but I'm worried that someone I'm attracted to will eventually find something out about me that's like, "Oh God, she's _________? Nevermind." It seems pretty irrational, and I know that people need to like me for me, but I'm always worried that they'll find out something about me that'll make them run away even though I have positive things to offer. I mean, I'm still myself when I'm around people I'm attracted to, but it's nonetheless a worry that crops up in the back of my mind when I like someone. (Strangely enough, I didn't get this worry with the last crush I had... Don't know what that's about, though.) I guess maybe if I try to work towards the whole "don't set expectations" thing that might help? [ 05-05-2013, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 56822
posted 05-15-2013 09:16 AM
I wish you the best in this, MusicNerd.
Member # 95998
posted 05-24-2013 05:49 PM
Oh wow, I just saw this. Thanks, WesLuck!
Update: the dude that didn't respond out of the blue finally did a few days ago, and he apologized because he hadn't seen my message until then. But, yeah, I think not getting my hopes up is the best idea here (I've gotta work on that). Thanks again for your support everybody.
Member # 107555
posted 05-25-2013 07:24 AM
I'll throw my two cents in here, I don't know if you'll actually find it useful or not I'm glad to hear that he finally responded though! quote: Originally posted by MusicNerd: I'm turning 19 next month and I haven't even kissed anyone yet let alone had sex or any sort of relationship, and I know that sometimes people feel pressure in dealing with inexperienced people. I'll just say that I was well past 21 before I even kissed someone. I was never really actively looking for a relationship though, it just happened. Pure serendipity so to say. Let me just tell you, inexperience is not a problem, at all. Everyone are different and like different things. It's more of a myth that you can "practise" to become a good kisser. It all depends on your partner. The best thing to do is paying attention to their body language. quote: Originally posted by MusicNerd: I'm also kinda worried about what they'd think if they knew I was bi too (since there are so many stupid stereotypes about it), but I guess I'll actually worry about it if I ever happen to meet someone with whom I have a mutual attraction. Yeah, it might take me a while to put myself out there, and sometimes I'm kinda cynical about my crushes liking me back enough to want to be with me; and I'm trying to push past those thoughts (like, "well, it hasn't happened to me before, so why would it happen now?"). But, even though I'm still a bit doubtful about it happening for me, it still would be really nice to find someone who didn't treat me "like a candy wrapper stuck to their shoe". I'm a biromantic asexual and it worked out for me. I'm sure you'll find someone great that you have a lot in common with that you can share your time with and be yourself around. Good things happen when you least expect it. You'll find someone who likes you for being you and doesn't get scared off by silly little things. When you really like someone it doesn't matter all that much if you find out a "dirty little secret" about the other person that you might not be entirely comfortable with otherwise. Really, your quote does say it quite well.
Member # 103145
posted 05-25-2013 06:03 PM
It's so great to see all this conversation and support flying everywhere.
MusicNerd, you mentioned something that I have worried about too. You said, "I'm worried that someone I'm attracted to will eventually find something out about me that's like, "Oh God, she's _________?" If that happened, yes it would be very painful BUT it would also tell you a lot about that person's character. Think about your friendships. Your close friends are probably your close friends because they love you for who you are, there's no "Oh God, she's_________? I think a healthy relationship is like a great friendship in a lot of ways, one of those ways being they love you for who you are. They take it all It helps me to remember that the way people act towards me is often everything about them and nothing about me. And, the way people react to me shows me a lot about their character and who they are. I have all the power to decide if that is someone I really want in my life or not. Of course there is a world of emotions involved too, that's the hard part
Member # 95998
posted 06-03-2013 11:41 AM
Hey guys! Hope y'all had a nice break! Wow, seeing these posts is really nice and I appreciate reading your advice that you have. So, thanks so much for your support!
Hey atypical (I like your username, btw )! Yeah, I guess I bought into that myth of "more experience = more skilled at sexual/romantic things". I'm glad to know that it doesn't make a big difference, though. Also, I did find your post to be very useful, so thanks for your two cents. Hey Haleigh! You know... I never really thought about how my close friends accept all of me and how I don't worry about them judging me negatively or refusing to hang out with me. That's a really good way of looking at dating scenarios and I hope to be able to get myself into that sort of headspace. Also, I have an update about the dude: So, I was talking with my close friend last week, and she asked me if I was interested in anyone lately and I told her about the guy (I guess I can just call him Cam or something so I don't keep calling him "the guy/dude"). Well, she asked me if I was gonna ask him out, and I told her how I wanted to in order to get to know him better, but how he's really, really shy (even moreso than me) and how I was afraid of scaring him off by being too forward. I mean, the guy was too shy to even initiate conversations with me (I've had to go outside of my comfort zone to go up and talk to him), and he also couldn't hold my gaze for long without looking away (but he's fine with other people), and he would stare at me or quietly laugh at jokes I made to other people when he thought I wasn't noticing. Basically, he's the way I was in high school: super shy. My friend then told me that I might scare him away, or nothing might happen if I don't ask him out, or I could wait a while for him to eventually muster up the courage to ask me out (that last suggestion she offered kinda half-heartedly, lol). So, after talking with another friend of mine (and her assuring me that it wouldn't be creepy of me at all), I sent him a casual invite to chat over coffee. At first, I thought he didn't want to, because he read my message that day but didn't respond. I was like, "Aw, damn! Is this the patriarchy punishing me for going against heteronormative gender roles?" But then, a couple days later he said yes and asked when I would be free this week. I suggested a date/time already a couple days ago, but he's pretty busy moving into a new place and I just have to wait for him to confirm it. So yeah, taking initiative in a situation like this is definitely something my high school self never would've imagined doing; and even if this doesn't "go anywhere" I'm just glad to know that I'm able to step out of my comfort zone like this. [ 06-03-2013, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 41699
posted 06-04-2013 07:33 PM
Hey MusicNerd, that's awesome to hear! Stepping outside of your comfort zone to meet new people and experience new things is always challenging, but worth it, even if any one particular situation doesn't work out
After all -- if you KEEP doing things that are outside your comfort zone, then the more you expand your comfort zone! Who knows, maybe five years from now you'll look back and be like "pshaw, I am so awesome at approaching people now" and it won't be something that makes you nervous or anything, you'll be cool as a cucumber It sounds like you're really figuring out what works for you, how to go about talking to people you want to get to know better, meeting new people, etc. Congrats, because that is really awesome, and keep up the great work! This way lies many cool new people met and befriended
Member # 95998
posted 06-09-2013 07:47 PM
Hey Onionpie! Thanks for your response.
I hope I'll be as "cool as a cucumber" eventually, but I doubt it'll be anytime in the near future. haha Sometimes I feel proud of the fact that I asked someone out, but other times I feel kinda ridiculous about celebrating something like this, considering asking someone out is something that most people do with ease. I also don't know if I'm actually gonna be able to meet up with this guy. Well, I suggested a date and time last Saturday, but Cam didn't reply until a day before the suggested date. He told me how he doesn't have internet at his new house yet, which is why he just saw my message. My mom, who knew that I might be hanging out with someone this weekend, is a little skeptical since she asked me, "Doesn't he have a phone he can check his messages on?" But I explained to her how he told me he'd forgotten to check his facebook messages while at work. I also told her how he apologized twice in the same message and also how I've had to reschedule things with people before and it wasn't a big deal after all. Anyway, he doesn't seem like the kind of person who would pretend to want to hang out with someone for the sake of being polite. I guess she's just worried about someone stringing me along or treating me like the last guy who seemed interested in me (a.k.a. the stalker dude I mentioned). I've also been kinda worried about that, too, but I've been trying to ignore those thoughts. Since Cam had something else to do that day, he asked if we could meet sometime next week; I suggested a new date/time and also gave him my number so that he could text me, since that'll probably be easier than him worrying about internet connection. To be honest, it would suck if he didn't respond and we actually didn't get to hang out after all, considering he was someone I got along with really well and wanted to know more about. I'm at the point where I'm just like, "Eh, he probably won't text me". If that does happen, I'll just have to move on (even though it'll hurt, and I'll probably go through the whole "Did I do something wrong?" spiel in my head). I just feel like I'm being too pessimistic here in order to keep my hopes from going up (even though I've been keeping myself busy with my job and friends); but at the same time, I know that self-fulfilling prophecies are a b*tch. lol It isn't a fun feeling and I feel like that's not the right way of going about being realistic. My mom has offered to take me to therapy because of lingering symptoms from my head injury, so I'm thinking I'll take her up on that offer and continue to keep myself busy with doing other things (job, friends, family, etc.) since I hate having these doubts and negative thoughts crop up in my head. Also, I don't wanna bug people on here with a bunch of ranting/worrying posts, and therapy might help me cut down on that. [ 06-09-2013, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]
Member # 101745
posted 06-10-2013 06:13 PM
You know, MusicNerd, I don't know that I'd say most people ask other folks out with ease; I would guess that a lot of people struggle with it. Even if they play it cool at the time, it doesn't mean they're not feeling awkward or like they're about to throw up, you know?
(For an example, I'm semi-shy but way more confident than I used to be and recently after a friend asked to kiss me and said "oh yeah, I've totally been flirting with you over twitter," I STILL felt a little awkward asking if I could take her on a date the next time she was in town. In retrospect and given the circumstances, that seems like the clearest possible example of a mostly-guaranteed yes.) I know you said upthread that you've felt pretty shy around people you've been interested in, which is certainly understandable! However, I do think that asking people on dates is something that can get easier with practice. The act of asking someone out specifically on a date has a lot in common with initiating social things/making friends in general; maybe as you start to meet more people you're interested in either as potential dating partners or as potential interesting friends, you can take small steps to talk to them a little more, or initiate some social event? Practice may not ever eliminate the nervousness entirely, but hopefully it'll help. If your mom's offered therapy as an option, that sounds like a great idea; if nothing else it's a great place to bounce some of these thoughts off of someone else. I'm not sure what kind of therapy you'll be looking into but I found CBT to be fantastic for teaching me some skills to combat negative self-talk.
Member # 95998
posted 06-10-2013 07:24 PM
Thanks for replying! You know, I hadn't thought about it before, but your post mentioning the connection between making friends and asking someone out reminded me of how I used to have a really, really hard time making friends with people at the start of middle school, but now I'm totally comfortable doing so. It took a while, but I got there somehow. Hopefully it'll be the same way with dating... Before I turn 90. lol Yeah, therapy does seem like a good place to talk about these sorts of things, especially with all the negative thoughts. This is probably gonna sound silly, but what's CBT?
Member # 101745
posted 06-10-2013 07:30 PM
this context, CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The key part of that wiki article, for me, is the problem focused/action oriented part. That aspect really helped me when I went to therapy a while back specifically so I could relearn some coping skills for some of my anxiety issues. And it really did help!
Member # 95998
posted 06-10-2013 07:52 PM
Hmm, that seems really interesting. Yeah, I'll bring it up with my mom tomorrow and see where I can go/when I can start. I'll also look into whether or not my school has CBT for when I go back in the fall. Thanks so much, Molias.
Member # 56822
posted 06-11-2013 07:05 AM
Yeah, a good guideline about learning about any new thing is to start small and be confident, then you can expand as you gain more experience and confidence. But if you feel your intuition politely suggesting you take a bigger safe step, you can still do that.
All the best with your endeavours, and I have heard that CBT is a very practical way of dealing with thinking and actions.
Member # 95710
posted 08-05-2013 09:33 PM
I just read your first post, and I have to just state the following: You're amazing. Having spoken to you off and on for months now, I can see how fun, compassionate, and special you are. Those are qualities that are so important in any kind of relationship - friendship or otherwise. It's not your fault that your crushes don't always reciprocate your feelings. Even the smartest, kindest, most attractive people EVER don't always get the person they want. Look at actors! LOL. But in all seriousness, I understand how you feel. My roommate in my second year had a boyfriend, and she always talked about him. And when my crush at the time didn't like me... Well... She wasn't really a comfort. I dunno, I sometimes think some people, when they're in relationships, think they may be entitled; and like to sometimes "show off" their partner to you because it may make them feel good. It'd be similar if, for example, someone got a car and someone else didn't, so they kind of bragged about it. I know it's not the same, but that kind of "show and tell" seems to happen a lot. But, I sometimes try to think of it this way: "So, my friend has a boyfriend, and sometimes rubs it in, maybe without meaning to. Well, would I ever date that guy? ... No. So, why should I even care?" It sounds kind of mean, and a little oversimplistic, but it has helped me a bit in curtailing my negative feelings. As far as the creepy guy is concerned, you know, you meet all kinds of people at college. I would LOVE to tell you about this guy I used to know, who was kind of the same as yours. He seemed funny and nice at first; but then when I found out he liked me and I didn't return his feelings (and then we kind of fumbled through an awkward what-are-we phase, and that was partly my fault), he'd exhibit some very creepy-like behaviours. He wouldn't leave my dorm room, even when I asked him too. He'd put his arm around me and not remove it (I think - this was a long time ago). Some people just don't give off that vibe until they know they can get away with it or when they think you will rationalize it. I'm sorry that your roommate has been like this towards you. Living with someone who continually makes you feel negative is just plain poopy. Have you ever told her how she makes you feel? And sometimes, with really happy people, they don't even realize they're making you unhappy; or they don't see past their own happiness to help you with whatever it is you're dealing with. I'm not trying to say anything bad about your roommate - those are just my opinions on stuff in general with friends. I really hope you are feeling better, as I know it has been a while since this thread has been updated (and I'm sorry if my bringing any of this up has hurt you in any way); but if you'd like to continue this thread, then I would be more than honoured and happy to listen. Thinking of you!
Member # 95998
posted 08-06-2013 01:56 PM
Hey WesLuck, I just saw your post! Thanks, I too hope it goes well.
Hey Copper! Wow, your reply was really touching! Thank you so much. Well, I've decided since the last time I wrote in this thread that I need time away from potential dating/sexual encounters. I've just got too many issues I need to start resolving. And since I work with an abuse/sexual assault group on campus, I'm aware of how low self-esteem can make one more prone to abusive/unhealthy relationships of any sort (not like 100% guaranteed to, since sometimes people with healthy amounts of self-esteem can get into shitty situations, but just more likely), and I'd like to avoid those types of relationship dynamics if possible. If maybe a few months down the road -- or next year or whatever -- I change my mind and feel ready, then fine. But, for now, I think I'm gonna step back from those types of intimate situations. I've been going to therapy, too, and I've been meeting with a therapist who currently seems to be a better fit for me than the first one I met with (even though she too was nice, but just not what I was really looking for I eventually realized thanks to some advice from Heather ). So, that's been really helping me so far, since she's been helping me view various aspects of my past and current situations differently and in a much more productive way. Yeah, I've been working on trying to forgive myself for slipping up on my typically sharp intuitive skills when it came to creepy-stalker dude. It's true, sometimes people are just damn good at hiding that shit, man. As for my former roommate, she definitely knew what she was doing. Like, I have friends who are in relationships, and for the ones who talk about their partners a lot, they do just that: talk about their partners a lot. They never would poke fun at my singleness (in fact, they're quite encouraging and high-fivey about it lol) or try and make me feel shitty about various things. She would say and do different kinds of things (in addition to other passive-aggressive things separate from her relationship) only directly to me and not to my other two roommates; and since I was dealing with medical issues for most of the school year, I didn't have the energy to confront her about most of it (though, I probably should've more often than I did). She was also just a lot of negative energy in general, since she always found really shitty things to say about everyone -- and I mean, like everyone, even the people who were the kindest to her -- and she would complain quite a bit on how she needed to find some friends and she just seemed all-around unhappy with herself and decided to take it out on me, a girl who didn't say much to her. She also seemed to have an attitude towards me when she would ask where I was/who I was with on any given night, and I'd be like, "Out... with friends," or when I'd hang out with a friend talking quietly in my own room (when I had my own room second semester); but she wouldn't say a peep when my other roommates would be extremely loud and having a ball in their room right next to hers. So, yeah, she was just really catty all-around and just specifically towards me, which sucked but whatever. It's over now, thank goodness, and looking back I realize that her shitty attitude said way more about her than it did about me. Phew, that was a lot to type! hahaha But, thanks for asking, Copper.
Member # 95710
posted 08-06-2013 02:23 PM
I'm so happy that therapy is going well for you, and that you're viewing things of your past in more productive ways. That takes a lot of maturity - good for you! Yes, don't beat yourself up over that guy. Honestly, you sometimes just never know until someone shows their true colours that they even have them to begin with. Next time that happens, you should whirl around and yell, "Hey, my brother's a cop - he'll have you arrested and on the ground pronto!" and see what happens. If anything, it'd embarrass the poop out of him and he might never go near you or anyone else in that weird way ever again. First of all, I am SO happy that she is no longer your former roommate. I'm so mystified and angry at her behaviour towards you. So intentional, and so none-of-her-flipping-business! Asking you who you went out with and what you did? Who is she, the fun police? You could always say something like, "Climbing the Alaskan glaciers" and see what she does (if you ever see her again and she gets nosy again). Because honestly, it's no one's business if you don't want it to be. Her poking fun at your singleness just gave me an idea: maybe she's jealous of you. Maybe she envies the freedom and liberation you feel; and so she's putting you down in order to make herself feel better. And her also crabbing at you to keep it down when you have a friend over in your single room? Maybe she's jealous that you have close, sincere connections and she is always saying that she has no friends; so her trying to discourage you from contacting them is something.
Member # 95998
posted 08-06-2013 03:44 PM
Yeah, my therapist's been really great at helping me do that regarding my past; she's also helped me realize that I've blocked out a lot of memories from my childhood. Oops. lol
Hahaha! I was actually just thinking about telling him that I'd go all hood on him, so don't even try that mess anymore. But really I'd probably just tell him to leave me the hell alone and then I'd contact some resources on campus who deal with stalking (I actually found out that we had those kinds of things later in the year when I was participating in an anti-violence advocacy meeting! It was really nice to know ). Lol! I like that Alaskan glaciers response. I mean, after a few times of her asking me and me giving her one-word answers like "Out," she got the point of not doing that and instead decided to give me the cold shoulder and other things like that when she'd see me come in late, which was like "whatever, crabby" in my mind. Oh yeah, and when she was upset with me making a "ruckus" in my room talking with my friend, she wasn't even the one to go up to me: she sent her girlfriend (who asked in the most polite way possible), because her girlfriend was always much nicer to me and I guess my roommate knew that I wouldn't give a shit if she herself asked me. Her girlfriend said that my roommate had a "headache"... even though twenty minutes later she started playing music from speakers in her room which she tried to make a nightly habit, until I was like "Hey, I'm trying to sleep and it's two in the morning... Lower that? Thanks." And then after I moved out at the end of the year she was still there and, instead of asking me during the two days that she saw me move out, she texted me the day after I moved out to ask if I had some mug of hers from like 6 months before (which I didn't). Mind you, she asked even though (as I found out while packing) she misplaced like my entire tupperware set that was given to me as a gift from relatives. I just couldn't with her anymore, so I didn't reply. Wow, total word-vomit there in that last paragraph. lol My bad! But yeah, those were just a few of the things she did during the year. Yeah, that idea of jealousy possibly fueling her attitude towards me popped in my head, but like it just seems like so much damn effort to put into attempting to make someone else feel miserable, you know? That's one of the things I've never understood about bullying. But yeah, she has some things that she needs to work out with herself, obviously.