T O P I C ††† R E V I E W
Member # 42492
posted 03-06-2012 11:46 PM
Over the last couple weeks, Iíve made friends with a girl in one of my classes. Sheís really nice. We have a lot of the same opinions, study well together, and just have fun. The only problem is, she never wants to do ANYTHING without her boyfriend and his friend.
I Ďm pretty sure that she and her boyfriend may be trying to set me up with his friend, and itís making me really uncomfortable. I know for a fact that her boyfriendís friend expressed an interest in me to her, but I told her I was not interested in him because heís not in school and doesnít seem too interested in his future. Yet, she seems to be pushing us together. For example, I invited her over last weekend and told her she could bring her boyfriend and some friends. She just brought her boyfriend and the guy. When I left the house to go pick up some food, she insisted that he go with me. First thing first: I know that school is NOT for everyone and that going to school certainly doesnít make you any better of a person than someone who doesnít. I also know that many people prefer to enjoy the present part of their lives instead of constantly focusing on tomorrow like I do. But the fact is, school is my LIFE. Lately Iíve been going to class and then studying about 5 hours a day. And I really prefer to be around people who understand my lifestyle and can relate to it. Iíve also gotten to a point where I find a guy whoís passionate about what he does and who he wants to be VERY attractive. I just donít see any common ground with this guy. And to be honest, Iíd really like to stop hanging around with him and my friendís boyfriend. I also think part of it is because I know my parents/friends/ect wouldnít approve of me hanging out with him. While I know that Iím an adult and get to make my own decisions, after meeting so many great guys that I know would fit into my life and who I am, I just donít want to. For those of you who donít know my history, I dated a guy a couple years ago who didnít understand my interest in school, and I think it had a pretty significant impact on how crappy our relationship was. Iíve talked to both my mom and my therapist about this, and they both say I should follow my instincts and ease up on my association with this girl and her friends if itís making me feel uncomfortable. But I just feel like such a snob. Now, she wants us to go out Saturday night, and Iím sure the guys will be there. To me, this is a big deal because the place where people go out on my town is very much part of the college scene. So, for me to be out with them kind of makes my ďfriendshipĒ with these guys public. At first I said yes, I would go, but the more I think about it the more I donít want to. Iím hugely uncomfortable, and I donít want to go. Iíd be fine just going with her, but I really donít want my first experience of being out in my new town to be with people Iím uncomfortable with. The only problem is, I donít know what to tell her. At first, I thought about telling her I had to go see my parents this weekend, but then Iíd have to feel like Iím hiding. I wouldnít be able to leave my apartment without feeling uncomfortable. I could just say I donít feel like clubbing this time and invite them to come to my place. But then, Iíd still be stuck around the guys, and even if itís not public, I think how uncomfortable I am with this is a sign I probably need to put a stop to it. I could just tell her the truth. But how can you just tell someone that youíre uncomfortable being around her friend and boyfriend, and that youíre embarrassed to be seen with them, when neither of them have done anything wrong? Sorry if this is kind of rambling. Its late and Iíve been a little overworked this week, but I was kind of stressed about this and really wanted to get an opinion.
Member # 63961
posted 03-07-2012 12:21 AM
Hi! To start with, I'm getting a vibe that you feel as though you have to "justify" not liking this guy to yourself and others in order to not feel guilty about not hanging out with him. But there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date or hang out with someone, for WHATEVER REASON. Now obviously there is a difference between being rude or mean or cruel in interactions with a person and just avoiding time spent with them, but people have the right to decide who their friends are and who they date.
Also, people do not like other people just because their friends want them to. And honestly, your friend pushing this guy at you when you'd stated you were not interested is pretty rude and selfish, in my opinion. And if you're uncomfortable going? Don't go. Doing things we don't feel comfortable with doesn't usually make us happy. [ 03-07-2012, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Violet1234 ]
Member # 63961
posted 03-07-2012 12:26 AM
I also feel like your worries about being comfortable vs. being a snob really mean not making waves vs. setting boundaries.
It's totally normal to worry about upsetting people, but there is nothing snobbish about setting your boundaries and expecting them to be followed (i.e. you saying you were not interested in the guy and expecting for your friend to LISTEN to you and drop it). [ 03-07-2012, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Violet1234 ]
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 03-07-2012 05:42 AM
Atonement, I don't think that you're sounding like a snob at all. Like Violet said, if you're not comfortable and don't want hang out with them, that's all the reason that you need.
It sounds like you might encounter an awkward situation in telling this friend that, but as Violet said, she blatantly disregarded your feelings about not wanting to date this guy, so it's totally on her not you. Voicing feeling the way that you do, does strike me as a big huge indicator that you really shouldn't keep seeing this friend's friend and boyfriend so often. Perhaps you could explain to her everything you have stated above, but let her know that you want to remain friends (if that is indeed what you want). And if she is unwilling to remain friends because you are setting boundaries around who you are comfortable being around, then she really wouldn't be a very good friend.
Member # 42492
posted 03-07-2012 08:44 AM
I already have made up my mind that I'm not going to go. The only thing is, how do I approach it. I know honesty is usually the best way to handle things, but I don't feel comfortable telling her how I feel for a few reasons. Another thing is, I've only really known her for a couple weeks, and my comfort level isn't that high. I feel like we're more casual friends, yet it seems like she's trying to push us in to the BFF zone. For one thing, her boyfriend is African American, and I feel like there's a good chance that she'll assume it's a racist thing, even though it's absolutely not. For another thing, I don't know if she realizes she's disregarding how I feel. The first time she came over, I told her she could bring "whoever she wanted" because it was a party and I wanted more people there. It didn't really come to my mind that she's bring him. The second time I knew he was coming and I was sort of ok with it. But then, when he was over and I offered them drinks, he said something along the lines of that he "wasn't supposed to drink anymore.". The way he said it made me wonder if there wasn't a legal reason for it. Which, of course, solidified my discomfort. To be honest, there's some things in my friendship with her that I'm a little unhappy with too. For example, she doesn't have a car and I do. So, I have ended up picking her up to go study and taking her home from school a lot, and she lives in the next town over. Every time I pick her up/drive her home, I notice my gas tank goes faster. Also, no one offered to help pay for the pizza we had either. I know I have more money than she does, but It's not because my parents are paying my credit card bill. I worked pay everything off and save up before I got here, and if I keep spending it on other people, it's not going to last. I'm also wondering if I shouldn't rethink how close of a friendship I want with her. She also wants to sign up to take all the same classes this summer (we need the same 2 courses). On one hand, I know probably none of my other friends are going to be here for the summer, and it'd be great to have a friend around. But on the other hand, I'm probably going to have to be giving her rides all the time and all that... On one hand, i think my best bet might just be to "ease out" a bit. Tell her my mom wanted me to come home this weekend for some reason, and just not reschedule. It's unlikely that she'd find me out since she lives in the next town over, and my apartment/parking space can't be seen from the main road. It's spring break weekend and everyone else is going out of town (I am too, but not until Monday), so I doubt anyone else will invite me anywhere, but if they did, I'd like to be able to go without worrying about being "found out". I don't want to have to feel like I'm hiding all weekend, but I feel like it might be my best option. What do you guys think?
Member # 63961
posted 03-07-2012 08:54 PM
Well, if you don't want to go with them, all you have to say is the truth: "Hi, I can't make it that night, something came up." Because something did- you don't want to spend time with these people.
If you don't feel like that will cover it, (because your friend might try to interrogate you as to why you can't go) you should go with the white lie that sounds most comfortable to you. As to your friend, I think it sounds like you're feeling a little used, right? You have to drive her everywhere and you're constantly paying for things. So I'd trust your gut and find some other people to hang out with, people who you like and don't make you feel used or uncomfortable. A lot of the times people get the impression that in order not hang out with someone we have to cut all contact with them- I know I did when I started figuring out that my relationship with one of my friends wasn't really how I wanted it to be- but that's not true. All you have to do is not seek them out anymore, and seek out other people instead. And if they get angry at you for not devoting all your time to them like you used to, they probably aren't people you want to remain friends with anyway. I know it's scary to be alone (I'm personally terrified by it), but one of the things that high school has taught me is that it's better to be alone than with people who don't make you feel happy or comfortable.