T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 47434
posted 06-13-2010 07:10 PM
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months, and we have a very stable, very successful relationship. Though I'm 17, he is my first boyfriend -- first kiss and everything. We've been taking things very slow, especially in comparison to most other couples our age. About a month ago I became comfortable with him touching me "below the belt", though usually through my shorts or underwear. However, I've always been very uncomfortable about touching his penis. For some reason, it totally intimidated me and kind of scared me, as odd as it sounds. I'm definitely straight, so that's not the issue. I had never seen a penis - not even in a picture or anything - before my boyfriend's, so maybe that contributed to it. My boyfriend has been incredibly good and understanding about this, but certain things have been putting a bit of pressure on me. Over time his friends have made comments, which I know, 17 year old boys are typically not experts in sensitivity. It's little and never a big issue, but once one of his friends texted me saying something like, "My girlfriend already gave me 2 handjobs within 6 days of dating, what have YOU done for him?" My boyfriend tells me that his friends are idiots and are just messing with me, but it's still taken a place in the back of my mind. I've felt guilty that he has "pleasured" me but I haven't for him, even though he insists that he likes to help me. What really put me over the egde was when I was on the phone with my boyfriend one time and he said that my reluctance to see/touch his penis has kind of made him feel like I don't find him attractive, which is untrue. All this really put some pressure on me. So today I decided I would give my boyfriend a handjob. He made it very clear that I didn't have to if I was uncomfortable or didn't want to, but I did. However, almost as soon as I started, I began to cry. I kept going, trying to hide it from him, but after awhile it intensified and he noticed. He immediately told me to stop and was very sweet about it, but I just felt terrible that I couldn't even do this for him without screwing up. I don't understand why I was crying initially. It should be pretty simple stuff. I love my boyfriend and, though he has told me multiple times that he doesn't need me to do anything for him sexually for him to be happy, I really want to do this for him. Anyone have any advice?
Member # 3
posted 06-13-2010 07:23 PM
You didn't screw anything up, Venice. Seriously. You just had a first time at bat with something that didn't go well or wasn't happening when it was rightest for you or with all you needed. happens to the best of us.
His friend who texted you that? Was being an absolute, utter ARSE. Seriously. healthy sex isn't quid pro-quo: it's not abotu what we do for someone like that, it's about what we do together. Can I ask why his friend texted you that? Was your boyfriend talking to him about this? if so, perhaps you can ask him to be a bit more selective about who he talks with about your sex life, making sure he's choosing friends with some maturity and who aren't big jerks to you? It's really great that your boyfriend made sure to stop things when you were upset. Hopefully, next time, you'll stop yourself, okay? No partner who cares about you will want you to do anything you don't want to, just aren't feeling or which upsets you. Partners who care also will only want you to engage in any kind of sex with them when you are NOT feeling any pressure. You say you want to do this for him: can we first check in and make sure it's something you want to do, period? Do you want to do it out of your own sexual desire, too?
Member # 47434
posted 06-13-2010 09:03 PM
His friend, who I'm relatively friendly with as well (most of the time), is a really.... eccentric person. He's a big class clown sort of person and very offbeat and odd, and a lot of times he makes these over the top jokes or comments that are simply inappropriate and he doesn't grasp the consequences of them. I have asked my boyfriend from the very beginning NOT to discuss these sorts of things with his friends, and he hasn't. However, when his friends ask him (which, let's face it, it happens), and he refuses to tell, they tease him that nothing is happening and that's why he won't disclose. It's lighthearted and it doesn't bother him, but that's where the text came from.
To be honest, I have been so anxious and intimidated, maybe even grossed out, by penises in general. I was afraid to even see it at first, which is weird. It wasn't something I was doing for my own satisfaction, the way my boyfriend was satisfied by doing it for me. I feel like I SHOULD want to and should not feel so strongly repulsed by it-- that, I thought, wasn't natural. That's part of why I made myself do it. I figured that it would help me get over it. What I am most concerned about is why I was CRYING. It seems like a super strong reaction to a situation that really doesn't merit it. I want to know why it upset me so much. And secondly, the other part that worries me is the fact that I had such an aversion to it to begin with -- though it seems like, after I tried it and calmed down afterwards, a big chunk of that has already disappeared, which is nice.
Member # 3
posted 06-14-2010 09:09 AM
Might your boyfriend be willing to talk with him and tell him that that was totally unacceptable? Did you? One of you should be sure to say something and set a clear boundary, okay?
Per the crying, what I'm hearing is that you felt a lot of pressure to do this -- from his friend, from your own head. I also hear you saying that you have created a standard for yourself that this is something you must and should do. To boot, it sounds like you may think, despite your boyfriend's support, that either this relationship or your normalcy hinges on this. You also forced yourself to do something you clearly did not want to do. Even just one of those things could certainly result in a lot of upset or tears, but with all of them b=combined, I'd have been surprised if you had NOT wound up crying. That is a LOT to put on yourself and this, you know? Does that make sense to you? We can talk more about that if you want, but can also talk about you feeling averse to penises on the whole. If you want to talk about the latter, it'd help for me to know a bit more about your history. What kind of attitudes were you brought up with around sex? Any sexual shaming in your childhood or teens? Any kind of sexual abuse? Also, have you two had time for you to see his penis in non-sexual contexts?
Member # 41436
posted 06-23-2010 09:35 PM
I remember I had something like that in my relationship too... the first few times that we got more ... passionate I got very upset afterwards. I don't know how much this helps, but you aren't alone in feeling very upset after doing something sexual for the first few times. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you or your relationship. Your boyfriend seems to be nice about it, and I think if you increase communication or at least keep communicating about it, it will ease with time.
Member # 46362
posted 06-23-2010 10:43 PM
well, I think, that if you feel like crap after doing something, you SHOULDN'T force yourself to do that thing again (so don't make it a "few times"). I've have had a similar experience, altrough not in a real relationship... and I was kind of relieved when I came in this site and have read all those texts abut being OK to only do things when one feels right, regardless of their age or situation.
Nonlinear, I don't want to attack you, I just want to ease a bit the pressure that Venice seem to be putting on herself. Maybe being upset was good/normal for you, I don't know anything about your past, but I don't like the general idea that women should keep doing things, even if it feels really bad, in the hope that it will get better after a few tries (which you probably wasn't implying anyway, but this wasn't clear enough). hmm.. I don't know how to reformulate this to be more polite... sorry.
Member # 47630
posted 06-26-2010 04:26 AM
Firstly, I was interested in the way you described your relationship- I kissed by first boy at 17 and he's still my bf 3 years later and we took 12 months to get to where you appear to be now. I hope you don't feel like you need to justify where you and your bf are at to anyone outside the pair of you, though i can see from his friends response that there might be pressure to do that. Not everyone is humping all over the place at 17-when i was 17 only about half my friends had even kissed someone! Your texting friend is a massive arse and I hope your bf takes some action in regards to his friends behaviour ie revoking his friendship or not talking to him about your relationship again as he can't be trusted. I used to talk too much about my relationship with my bf to my friend which he didn't like and it takes time to work out a balance. Maybe just delete him from your phone if it seems he may do it again. You're really lucky to have a bf who is so supportive (despite his terrible choice in friends) and I hope you can find the confidence to try again after you take the time to relax about it and talk over with your boyfriend why you have may reacted the way you did. If you still feel grossed out or whatever, just don't go there for a while. Enjoy just spending time together (think about all the ways you can show love that don't involve his penis and i mean non-physical love) and your feelings might change in time. i once felt grossed out by my vagina- and I had to come to terms with the idea my bf wanted to put his mouth down there! It took a long time (like 6 months) to reconcile these feeling and finally say yes because I wanted to try that too. In the words of sex and the city 'stop SHOULD-ING all over yourself'! realistically yes mutual touching is something people together generally do but you don't have to go there now if you're not ready-maybe setting a time period where you don't try/think about it and then come back and review your feelings after the period is up. Or you could ask your bf to show you how he gets off himself, with you sitting behind him- this might ease your fear as you'd have more information as to what its all really for. As for spontaneous crying, is that something you've done before? ie are you a real sop in sad movies? It is an intense reaction but unless it happens again I would discuss it, think on what it might have meant and then leave it. Sometimes our bodies do random things- its the emotions behind it that you need to address.