T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 43631
posted 08-07-2009 05:25 AM
I hope you guys are ok with me openly talking about this...
To make things clear, I Basically only got one breast. I mean the other one is there, but it has scabs on and around it, and is completely flat, like as if i was still in the 4th grade. you see, i have a vascular birthmark called angiokeratoma that is on my back/chest and over my breast. It is basically a gaint scab. (here is a photo. this is on someones hand. its like this but on the area i described- Image ) In the Fourth Grade, I got a surgery done to try to remove as much as possible, for comfort reasons, because it did bleed and itch and such. They couldnt completely remove it because it is so deep. When they did this, they damaged my breast, and it no longer grows. It is embarrassing to look at, because it has small scabs on it in different places. and the skin is somewhat blue in color due to the veins underneath. As you can see, i have an image problem. for example, if me and a partner ever get intimate, or if we happen to be naked around eachother for any reason, I am afraid of what he might think... i mean yeah i want a guy who loves me for me, but there is always gonna be a first time showing it to him, and im just afraid of the shock that might come over him. Guys: What do you think? i dont know if you could imagine seeing this, but honestly do you think it would affect much? and any other thoughts. Ladies: What are your thoughts? does anyone have something similar? any ideas for something i could do to help prepare for this day? Thank you guys sooo much! --------Update I found a MUCH better picture. this is very similar to what it looks like and it looked alot more like this when i was a baby (says my parents) than it does now, except it was on my chest/back Image <3 [ 08-07-2009, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: Kayterface ]
Member # 3
posted 08-07-2009 06:25 AM
Kayterface, I have this idea that you might perhaps be helped by reading women who have had mastectomies talking about their experiences when it comes to self-image and intimacy. I know that it's not the same thing, but there is a good deal of that out there, and I think it's relevant enough that it may be just the thing.
Here are a few links to see if that kind of thing is helpful to you: • http://www.swedish.org/14673.cfm • http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/intimacy/ask_expert/2008_02/question_01.jsp • http://breastcancer.about.com/lw/Health-Medicine/Conditions-and-diseases/Scarring-and-Breast-Cancer.htm That said and given, plenty of us have some kind of disability, disfigurement, permanent injury, what have you out and about it the world. For me, it's that I severed two of my fingers as a child, and while they did surgery, and from down the street you sure couldn't tell, up close, it's very clear my hand isn't like other hands. Now, it's a hand: it's not a breast or genitals and I totally get that those areas can be more loaded. As well, getting naked with someone for the first time can always be a little nervewracking, and when what you've got isn't something others can see when you're dressed, that's absolutely a double-whammy. Ultmately, there's no predicting how someone is going to react in the abstract, because people are so different. Not everyone has the same maturity level, not everyone will have the same kinds of feelings for you. Me, I often have found in life that I have a deep love for whatever scars lovers of mine have, from the mild to the severe. To me, they represent the places that person has been, the ways they thrive, what makes them unique, what makes them them. And my experience is that that tends to be how people who really care for and appreciate us, and who see us as whole people, not just bodies, tend to feel. But why don't you take a look at those links, see if they help at all, and we can talk more if you like.
Member # 36501
posted 08-07-2009 10:23 PM
My first advice here, and it might seem a little obvious >.> is to let your partner know you only have one breast well ahead of actually taking off your clothes. How and when you bring this into the conversation is your call. Really, regardless of how open-minded or in love with you someone is, without prior knowledge, of course they're going to be surprised. And in that vulnerable state, even an expression of surprise is probably going to read as negative to you. So, let him know! Have a discussion about it.
Member # 42508
posted 08-07-2009 11:16 PM
I'm really sorry you have to go through that. It might be hard to show a partner that at first but explain to them beforehand what it is. If they really care about you, sure it might be a shock at first but they will get over it. You cant help that you have it, I know body image can be hard and whatnot and I'm not in your shoes so I dont really know what you go through, but all I can really say is when you find someone you really like and care about and if they really care about you too I'm sure they will be okay with it. Sorry I cant help more.
Member # 43631
posted 08-10-2009 03:45 AM
Thanks you guys, I guess all i really needed was some encouragement. im really glad i can talk about this stuff here, i cant much anywhere else.
You guys are awesome.
Member # 42898
posted 08-17-2009 01:44 PM
I agree...be open about it and there will be guys whom you love, who will love you back regardless. I obviously cannot imagine how exactly you feel, but I do have a 11cm-12cm long vertical scar from my belly button downwards because of an operation I had... I was quite nervous about it when my boyfriend first saw it ... I asked him what he thought and he said he hadn't really noticed and it didn't matter.
It depends on the person, and trust me, there are nice people out there.
Member # 41657
posted 08-17-2009 02:33 PM
If somebody loves you, they won't care, in fact if somebody isn't a shallow git they won't care, it doesn't even need to get to the love stage.
Member # 42861
posted 08-18-2009 06:45 PM
Coming from a guy; I think it would be a shock at first, but It is definately somthing I at least could get used to and not really notice it.
I agree with music2myears, discuss it with him, so he has time to think about it, and if he really loves/likes you it won't bother him
Member # 43850
posted 08-23-2009 03:25 PM
Yeah, You should talk about this with your partner, explain things to him in a manner that he will easily understand.
This at first may come as a shock for him but love goes deeper than this concern you have. Hope everything goes well.
Member # 43157
posted 08-24-2009 03:42 PM
I know this isn't exactly the same situation, but my best friend's breasts differ by two cup-sizes. She can be self conscious about it some times, especially when she starts dating a new guy. She has never met anyone who reacted badly to it, maybe because she warns them all before. I'm really good friends with one of her ex-boyfriends and he says that it was never an issue for him, just another thing that made her a unique girl.
If worst comes to worst, I think that anyone who doesn't want you for who you are inside and outside isn't worth your time. There are so many great people in the world, I personally think it's worthwhile to wait until you find one.
Member # 43862
posted 08-25-2009 02:10 PM
I don't know if this helps, but I know a girl with a hand missing from somewhere below the elbow down. She was born this way, and she's really happy with her long-time boyfriend.
The ironic thing is, that with her left hand she's even made trough an art faculty, textiles specialization, and now she makes bags and stuff as a craftsman - but if I tell you this part too, you'll think I've just made her up. . But the important part is anyway the love stuff. Of course, I understand, that a breast might be closer to yout heart. But people are adaptable, they can invent the strangest fetishes (google porn + random word from dictionary), so adapting an existing love and desire to your revealed forms shouldn't be that hard...
Member # 3
posted 08-26-2009 10:00 AM
I want to make sure to add something in here, because I'm hearing a lot about how the answer to this is that someone who loves you won't care.
That certainly may be true, and it also may be true that it's not even about someone loving you "not caring," but about the fact that when we love someone we LOVE them: who they are, where they have been, what they look like, etc. In other words, when someone we love has a scar, a disfiguration, what have you, it may not even be that we don't care so much as that we love the body of that person, including all its parts, and think there's something unique about the way our lover's body is, rather than merely accepting what may be seen by others or even our lover as a flaw, know what I mean? More to the point, though -- and Jill made a brief comment on this -- we don't have to be with someone who is in love with us, or who deeply loves us, to have our bodies accepted and appreciated, whatever state they are in. Rather, what we need is to be intimate with someone who has enough maturity to recognize that how bodies look in magazines are not how bodies look in real life and that there is no such thing as one kind of "perfect" body. When we really have the maturity we need to be physically intimate with others, we don't need to be in love with them, or love them yet, to accept their bodies as they are, and even to really be into them, as they are. Lastly, I just want to comment that being fetishized is NOT acceptance of the body. Fetishization objectifies people, it turns our disabilities or issues into sex toys, and IME, it does NOT feel good.
Member # 41657
posted 08-26-2009 03:09 PM
I agree about fetishizing not being the same as loving or accepting, I meant to say something when I read that post but I was having difficulty articulating it. I think if I was dating someone who'd say, lost an arm I'd think that was unfortunate and I wouldn't want to glorify their suffering, I would accept their body as is, but I'd be sad they'd gone through what they'd gone through. I think that's an important distinction to make, between celebrating pain and not treating somebody's scars as a block to intimacy.
Member # 43892
posted 08-26-2009 07:40 PM
you sound like a beautiful, amazing girl. all you need to do is explain to your partner what is going on, when you are comfortable. this is just a small flaw, and it is one of the things that your love will think is unique about you. god bless!
Member # 3
posted 08-26-2009 07:52 PM
I also want to add that the word "flaw" is pretty arbitrary and not one I'd choose to use about anything like this. What does it mean?
If there was one kind of perfect body, it'd be easy to define. Thing is, there isn't, so when someone says something is a flaw, it's a flaw compared to what? For example, I've got freckles. And in some groups, where the idea is that skin is supposed to be uniformly colored, that may be viewed as a flaw. But for me, personally, it's part of who I am, and I wouldn't look like myself to me without my freckles: during winter, when it gets dark here and a lot of them get less prominent, *I* look flawed to myself, and I also miss them. I think they're gorgeous. Either view is still arbitrary, mind you, seeing them as either a boon or a flaw, but that's kind of the point.
Member # 43862
posted 08-27-2009 09:50 PM
I didn't mean it that way... but you're right, my last post sounds strange. What I've been tryind to say ("prove"), is that this attraction thing is really flexible. sorry
Member # 28780
posted 08-27-2009 10:13 PM
Hi Kayterface, I just wanted to add to your thread because I have the same type of birthmark. It's also very close to my breast (the underwire of my bra on the left side rubs it sometimes and irritates it). I have the same type of purple blotches and scabs, and the skin around it is all blue. Basically if you look at me from the front, the birthmark starts just under my breast, goes down to my belly button, and wraps around my left ribs a little bit. The whole area is blue.
In regards to your concerns about having someone see that part of your body, I can totally understand the anxiety you might be having. I've gone through that moment many times of showing my birthmark to a partner for the first time and feeling that initial pang of worry. But really? Every partner of mine that saw it has only had the reaction of, "Wow, that so interesting..." and have thought it was beautiful and unique. The only guy who didn't, well, didn't have maturity in a lot of other aspects of our relationship and he was out of the picture pretty quickly. When we care about someone and really love someone, we accept who they are as a person in their entirety. All bodies are beautiful, all people are beautiful.
Member # 43903
posted 08-28-2009 02:00 AM
My situation is quite different, but similar in the shock factor you dread.
My boyfriend has Tuberculosis. He's gone through the antibiotic regiment to ensure that it remains dormant, and the likelihood of it ever becoming active is incredibly slim. I have no fear of ever catching it. The same can not be said for some of his past relationships. I remember when he first told me, because my normally very confident, goofy boyfriend looked like he was about to have a heart attack. He was terrified he was going to lose me, because how do you really break it to someone that you have Tuberculosis? Especially when so little is known about it. He told me as calmly as he could, and rushed to explain that it wasn't catching, and that I was safe. I was glad he explained because, other than what I had learned in history classes, I knew nothing of TB. What I'm trying to get across by telling this story is, most of the time when a person is shocked, scared, or even disgusted by a physical difference, it's because they know nothing about it. The only way to ease these uncomfortable moments is to teach. Personally, before I read your post I had never heard of angiokeratoma. But you taught us what it was, even showed us examples, so we can understand your situation. My suggestion is to do something similar with the person you intend to become intimate with. Before you show him, tell him you have the birthmark and where it is. Show him some pictures like you did for us, and explain that it is just a birthmark. Every person is made up of a lifetime of differences. That's what makes this world as beautiful as it is. Your differences make you who you are, even if at times you are embarrassed by them, or you even resent them. You have to be proud of everything your body and mind have to give to the world, because they make it the diverse wonder it is. If somebody is ignorant to this fact, well, the only "cure" for ignorance is education.