T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 36078
posted 04-05-2008 04:37 PM
I don't know whether it's to do with coming out of a relationship recently, or what, but I've been reflecting on my past relationships and I've just realised how far they were from what I wanted and how I didn't stick up to what I wanted within the relationships, and, especially in my last relationship, how it became essentially negative due to many things including my then boyfriend trying to make me into somebody he wasn't. I read through this article too (http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault) and it kind of confirmed some of my previous thoughts about sexual coercion. I feel so weak and angry at myself for not sticking to what I always wanted, and even though I have ended the relationship, which is what I really needed to do, I feel unhappy about the choices I made in it. Whilst this sounds silly, because I cannot change what was, it still makes me angry.
I saw my ex boyfriend today because he came round to drop off a few things of mine which he had, and it just impressed even more how he wasn't someone who could make me happy because he himself isn't happy (and I, or anyone else, can't do that for him). I feel annoyed that I didn't 'date' him or just get to know him for longer, annoyed with the **** I put up with, and angry that he's still making me feel like this. I'm not sure whether he meant to or not, but the fact is that I can now see how unhealthy it was for me and it's really really making me scared. Yes, there were good points about the relationship, but that was mostly just the beginning, and frankly I feel like I've come out with less self-confidence yet really realised the need for feminism. I'm just not too sure where to go from now. I know I don't have to do anything fast or suddenly repair or be ready for a relationship again, but I am losing my faith in the image of a positive relationship. The models I see, bar one, are power struggles, where people try and conform to their gender roles, or the role their partner wants them to fit. I really feel like crying. I'm just so angry at myself, really really angry, and feel like I've let myself down. I gave so many chances and invested so much energy when deep down it wasn't making me or him happy, and if the people aren't happy and healthy in it then it's pretty impossible to be in a good relationship. On the plus side, my friends are incredible, really really awesome. I also want to ask someone out just to hang out, like friends, but I really don't want them to get the wrong idea (which happens too often!), because I don't want anything remotely flirty at the moment. And I can't even seem to find the confidence to do that. Which is ****, considering they seem incredibly funny and friendly and read and like films and are just generally nice to chat to. (I've only ever spoken on the phone though, because whilst they live near, I know them through somebody.) I am so glad for my best friends. Seriously. The people who stick by me no matter what kind of crap I encounter. I just need some hope that this can get better and that I can learn to assert my boundaries better. That happy, healthy relationships exist, somewhere out there... :/ Thank you, whoever you may be, for reading. [ 04-05-2008, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: thismoment ]
Member # 35890
posted 04-06-2008 11:14 AM
The good thing about this is that you have got an idea of what you want/need in relationships, and what choices are not good for you. Yes, you have put a lot of energy into something that ultimately was not in your best interest-- but it's over now and you can move on. In fact, I think that's the best thing you can do; move on and learn from both yours and his mistakes. It's understandable to feel angry and hurt, but nothing really comes out of that except a load of bad feelings. It sounds like you have some good friends, so why not spend some time with them and try to get yourself out of this rut?
In the meantime, you can always do some self-reflection and try to suss out what choices you need to make in a relationship to keep yourself happy, as well as what boundaries need to be set. Do keep in mind that there are healthy, positive relationships out there. You may have not found a partnership that meets your expectations and matches your needs and wants quite yet, but that does not mean it's impossible. I think some of the info in this may help you out as well: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For [ 04-06-2008, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Horizon ]
Member # 36078
posted 04-06-2008 01:16 PM
Yeh, I have, but I just feel like I don't know how to move on; there's so much residual stuff that I don't know what to do with it all. And I don't expect everything to always feel wonderful, but it just feels quite awful right now. I think the fact that my parents argue almost constantly too (one of my parents had depression/ anger issues... they've been to a psychoanalysist etc but it really doesn't seem to have helped much, and I know it's an illness, but they inflict it upon everyone else) just makes me feel so negative. I need somewhere to retreat to, my own space, and I can't even have that. They just barge in (no knocking, no asking, and even if I'm studying or on the phone - which they can *clearly* see - they proceed to yell at me). I am so fed up of my parents I actually really don't want to be living here, and, once I've done my exams this year I'm really considering just going to live at a friend's or a relative's house for a while.
I have spent time with my friends, a lot of time, and that does really help, but the fact is that I live at home and as long as the environment at home is so oppressive, what can I really do to escape it? I've tried talking to them, tried getting a relative to mediate and talk to them, tried writing letters etc etc. Believe me, I've tried! I've re-read that article just now, but I have read it before. I do believe there are healthy relationships out there, but they also seem really slim, and I feel myself 1) losing trust in my ability to someday have one, and 2) losing any ability to trust other people enough to let them in. Another thing I've noticed is that my libido is rock bottom, almost zilch. The (rare) times I seem mentally aroused by body refuses to respond, clams up on me, and rarely do I have any kind of natural lubrication any more (sadly, because this used to be pretty easy for me). I've tried deliberately not masturbating at all etc etc, but I actually miss it and I don't feel like it's normal to go this long without really enjoying or properly being aroused (since I took EC in December it has just gone.) I'm lucky to get anything near a climax lately (the last 4/5 months being lately), whereas up until say September I was able to easily have what felt like multiple orgasms and was quite simply the best release of tension I've ever yet experienced. Much as I do other exercise, it's really not the same. And I keep getting ill, like all the time. I've tried to shake it off, but it seems like I never get rid of it. Until about a year ago I rarely got ill, had a great libido, and certainly didn't ever feel like this. I need some tips on just how to get going again. How to get better, feel better, have some hope etc.
Member # 35890
posted 04-06-2008 09:47 PM
Have you explicitly asked your parents for a little privacy, at the least? Besides that, do you have a nice backyard or somewhere like that you can go to relax? Maybe a friend's house that is calm and quiet? Do you go for runs? All those things can be great escapes and release a lot of tension. Seems like you've tried a lot to assuage what seems to be their issues which are affecting you, but if nothing works, you may just have to wait until you can get yourself in a better environment.
It's really easy to believe that you will never be in a happy, trusting relationship again after you have been in a not-so-great one that abused much of your trust and faith. But chances are, that's not going to be the case forever. You're still so young in the grand scheme of things. I think it's more important that you get yourself in the right headspace for a healthy relationship now before you start worrying when one is going to come along. It's normal to have these downtimes when we just don't have much interest in sexual matters, and there's nothing wrong with going a while without being aroused, (just the same as it is okay to masturbate, so I'm not exactly sure why you would deliberately stop). If you're having significant problems with this, I would suggest you visit a doctor-- likewise for the recurring illness. You're in a rut, for sure. But try not to look at all the negative points and focus on what you need to do to make yourself happy again, and soon enough, things will be looking up.
Member # 36078
posted 04-07-2008 02:39 PM
Yep, I've asked, and plently of times. I've asked just to have a lock on my door but they won't let me. They say that I'm making a fuss and that it's perfectly fine for them to just walk in anytime, because it's their house, and so they get to choose what happens. We do have a nice garden, but it's really cold right now, and I'm not really well enough to stay outside for very long. I go to the park quite a lot, and cycle, and swim, and go for walks, all of which helps, but I just hate coming back here. I normally cycle more and go out for walks more, but everything I do is making my body exhausted and I just feel like I need to actually get strong and well again, although that's difficult because every day seems like an emotional battle with them; it never ends.
My new strategy (or rather, more extreme strategy) is just not to spend time with them, like at all. I'm gonna see how it goes, just not being around them as far as I can be. I'll either go in my room, or another room to the one they usually sit in, or I'll go out. I don't know whether I made it clear in that last post or whether it was a bit confusing what I said. I definitely *don't* want a relationship right now, or any time in the near future until I feel a heck of a lot better, but I just wonder, you know? And sometimes it's silly, because you just have to see how things go, because you don't really know until they work out. Hmm... Maybe I should just believe what you say a bit more. It makes sense that it's not all wonderful all the time, and I guess it's quite unlikely that I'm going to feel like this for a long time. I just have to make the choice not to. I'm going to start doing more painting. And doing something I did a few months ago, which was writing down, every single day, all the things that had made me smile or all the things that had made me happy in that day. It made a big difference. Thank you so much. You're right that I do just need to focus on what will make me happier, and try to not worry so much about them, because I have my own life which is outside of theirs if I believe it is. Now I'm going to go and have a nice, relaxing bath and read
Member # 35890
posted 04-07-2008 03:08 PM
I understood you about not wanting a relationship right now, (sorry if I was being unclear, as well.) And you're right-- things aren't going to wonderful all the time; everyone has to take the good with some bad. But it does make a huge difference when you
want to pull yourself out of a rut. I especially like what you said about writing down all the things that made you happy in a day-- I think that's a really great, productive idea. I hope you get to feeling better.