T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 37023
posted 02-13-2008 08:38 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone in advance.
I am new to this board and after looking around have finally decided to post. I'm not quite sure how to say this so I'll do my best. My girlfriend (27) and I (28) are sexually active. We have had past partners as well and this is not an issue. We are very close to getting engaged and like I’ve stated I’m 28 years old and have never jumped into anything before and we are compatible in everything EXCEPT sex right now. This is why I’m here. This is the case: I’m an average person when it comes to length, but am above average when it comes to girth. Her sex drive is almost to zero and I’m not sure what to do or if there is anything that either one of us can do. Upon insertion, we have to go very slowly and the girth creates so much pain for her and there is one spot that she says is excruciating. Whenever she feels the urge to have sex, her mind mentally turns her off. This has reduced her sex drive to almost zero. We have done a lot before, have gone really slow, and have used some lubricant, but nothing seems to eliminate that pain. It also hurts me to see her hurt as well. The thing is, once it’s all the way in she is fine but she says that pain is just too much for her. Any help is appreciated. Thanks
Member # 3
posted 02-13-2008 10:10 AM
So, how do things go when sex is NOT intercourse?
And at times when it is, have you tried, for instance, bringing her to orgasm with other kinds of sex first, THEN tried intercourse?
Member # 37023
posted 02-13-2008 10:31 AM
Everything is fine when it isn't intercourse. She has told me that she has never had an orgasm through anything BUT intercourse. I have gotten her very close (according to her) and then it progresses to intercourse.
She has a toy that she uses for clitoral stimulation by herself and will not use it in front of me. But when she does have an orgasm through intercourse, she does become very lubricated.
Member # 3
posted 02-13-2008 12:03 PM
Well, fingers can do the same things a penis can, so it might be worth trying to get her to orgasm first. Too, I'd suggest talking about bringing her toys into the equation: sounds like you're fine with it (and good onya!), so I'd suggest bringing that up again, too.
Does she not reach orgasm with that toy she uses herself? I only ask because that strikes me as a bit odd: when most people masturbate, most of the time, they are reaching orgasm.
Member # 37023
posted 02-14-2008 02:37 PM
Yes, the fingers can, and I'll definitely try that. I just have to convince her to squeeze her muscles when I use my fingers because she only tends to do that when my penis is inside her and that makes her orgasm. She doesn't have any other toys and please let me know how to really bring it up so she won't get upset.
Yes, she tells me that she reaches orgasm using that in about 10 seconds. So there isn't really anything to use for her size? I'm just curious. Again, thank you very much.
Member # 35798
posted 02-14-2008 09:07 PM
Could it be Vaginismus? It's a reflex where the muscle involuntarily tenses when being penetrated, and it can make sexual intercourse very painful and difficult. It's more of a psychological condition, and the causes vary. Vaginismus can occur when a woman is afraid of, or expects, pain from penetration. Because the tensing of the muscle causes so much pain, it confirms the fear and the cycle continues or sometimes even worsens. Maybe the size of your girth caused a thought somewhere in the back of her mind that it would hurt her?
Well, it's just a thought anyway. I used to have a very similar problem with an ex-boyfriend of mine. Hope you find a solution, and good luck!
Member # 3
posted 02-14-2008 09:29 PM
Thing is, if fingers feel good, then it's not likely to be vaginismus.
This really isn't about her "size." The vagina isn't any one size, and it loosens with arousal, and then contracts to fill what is in it. Plus, if she reaches orgasm with her vibrator from clitoral stimulation, then it's not so that she's never had an orgasm from anything but intercourse. Too, the vagina contracting around something can be voluntary, but it's also involuntary, so it's not really something someone needs to remember to do. I'm pretty perplexed by you or she saying she needs to "squeeze" on purpose. So, again, I'd focus on sex without intercourse for a while, and on expanding how she reaches orgasm with other things with you. (And when you both get there, you can try intercourse AFTER orgasm for her, which may well make all the difference.) It shouldn't upset a partner to tell them you want to expand both of your horizons so that sex is more pleasurable. If that's earnestly upsetting to her, I'd guess there is some other underlying issue at play here. I know this is short, but I'm just home from a 10-hour-day at the clinic, and only passing through to make sure everything was okay here today -- just didn't want to leave you without a response. I'm back here for a full-Scarleteen day starting Saturday, so if you've got more questions you want to leave tonight or tomorrow, I'm glad to keep dialoguing when I'm back here from the other job then. You might also want to take an extra look at this and see if it gives you any more cues or clues: .
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Member # 37023
posted 02-18-2008 09:07 AM
First off, thank you for the responses. I really appreciate it.
I think you are right when you say that vagina contracting is both voluntary and involuntary. Also, I meant to say that she reaches orgasm faster from "squeezing" faster than she does without doing it. Sorry about that. I spoke to her about bringing her vibrator into it and said when she orgasms from it that it happens so fast that it doesn't make her that wet. She also said that she doesn't know if she'd be able to do anything after because she is TOO sensitive to the touch after. It doesn't sound like she's completely ruled it out. We did have intercourse the other day and I performed oral on her and I can tell she really enjoys it but then it quickly progresses to intercourse. And yes, she was sore from it the next morning although she said she thoroughly enjoyed it.
Member # 37023
posted 02-19-2008 10:41 AM
I just wanted to add a few things. I guess by not having intercourse right now, this will relax her mind and allow her to fully lubricate herself?
Also, she told me that with past partners that she would always urinate after intercourse and it was relieving (felt good) and that with me it is uncomfortable and hurts sometimes. I have no clue what this means.
Member # 37023
posted 02-24-2008 05:05 PM
I am really in a bind right now. I realize I didn't get any responses but just wanted to say a couple more things and hopefully I'll get some help.
I tried to do what was mentioned earlier, but it's hard to do that when nothing happens. She gets upset because I bring it up quite a bit and she says that the dimensional issue is a huge turn off to the point where she doesn't make out, do oral, or have intercourse with me. She says like I mentioned before that it kills at the beginning but also for 3 to 4 days after. This pain she says has absolutely killed her sex drive. I don't even know what to do to get some of it back. I told her I just want to be close to her and to do stuff with no intention of having sex but she is totally turned off and doesn't feel like doing anything because the pain. The thing is EVERYTHING else is perfect. Our relationship (excluding sex) is awesome and we're talking about marriage. I want to make this work, but I need get her desire, her comfort and confidence back in this!!! I just want the passion. She does too but she doesn't think there is anything to do. She just says what can you do when the peg doesn't fit the hole. [ 02-24-2008, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: snook77 ]
Member # 36725
posted 02-25-2008 03:15 PM
Snook: From what you’ve said on speaking to her about the vibrator – it sounds like she may not be too wild about the idea. What I did notice however, is that you said you performed oral and then it “quickly progressed to intercourse”. Are you sure that at the point the activities switched she was relaxed enough and lubricated enough for intercourse? Additionally, have you tried changing some of the basics? Trying a different position for intercourse, a different brand of condom (People with latex allergies or latex sensitivities may experience burning right away with contact) or a different type of lubricant? I saw from your first post that you “use some lubricant” and if this is the case … are you sure that you’ve been using enough and a brand that works well?
What do you mean by trying to do what was mentioned but “nothing happening?” A huge part of a healthy relationship – especially a healthy sexual relationship is being able to talk openly and honestly with your partner. This issue is probably something that you will likely solve best through trial and error and great communication– but when she’s in pain she needs to be able to communicate that to you so that you can stop. If intercourse is painful for her- she’s not likely going to want to do that. Additionally, Sex doesn’t have to be all about intercourse. You said that she’s told you she’s very close to orgasm and then it progresses into intercourse – but what about taking a break from having intercourse as the main focus for right now and trying out other types of sex by themselves – or even other ways of just being together. You could spend time curled up together and spend time kissing without the intent of it ending in anything more for the night. Sometimes it helps just to be able to slow things down and take the focus off intercourse and spend time really acquainting each other with your bodies and what it is that one does for the other that feels good. Maybe try other kinds of sex without the intent of intercourse being in the equation for a bit. Encourage her to talk to you throughout the experience so that as you do something you’ll know that it’s something she particularly likes or something that doesn’t work as well for her. With this you would also be able to learn what helps to relax her and arouse her enough that sex may be a better possibility without pain after those activities in the future. As heather said “This really isn't about her "size." The vagina isn't any one size, and it loosens with arousal, and then contracts to fill what is in it.”
Member # 37023
posted 03-03-2008 08:56 AM
Thank you for your response Stephanie. For the most part I'm hearing that, and correct me if I'm wrong, I should make my g/f orgasm first if we intend to have intercourse after? I'm sorry.... this is pretty hard to get out in words. I mean... the amount we would both like to have it and to have to do that ever time? WOW. She wants this bad like I do and she has told me that she just doesn't have the same feeling from oral as she used to have and like I said before, her vibrator makes everything too tender to touch. DO we try some other toy? Neither of us know about any that work or what would be best for this situation.
Upon finishing the last time, she started to cry at the end because this has never been a problem to her and said the pain is so extreme (and yes we did use lubricant) and the stretching, which feels like burning, is excruciating. And it hurts me to see her like this. She also said she was relaxed at the beginning. And now for a few days after, she will be sore and mentally (sexwise – and I mean anything, not just intercourse) out of it because of the pain she endured. I will try to talk to her and broaden our means of intimacy. Dang, I just wish this was normal. And for people to be jealous of this……. What a joke!!!!!! [ 03-03-2008, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: GeoFLT ]
Member # 3
posted 03-03-2008 11:07 AM
It's really sounding to me like she should have a conversation with her sexual healthcare provider about all of this, or at least someone who isn't you.
Not because there is something wrong with you, but because for obvious reasons, what she says to you about this may be biased by the fact that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's just sounding to me like there's more going on here than what we're hearing from you, and like she could use to talk to someone impartial. I'd also suggest that for right now, it might be a good idea for the two of you to just take a little break from any sexual activities for a while. This has obviously gotten incredibly loaded, and with both of you feeling this frustrated, her being relaxed and aroused enough for ANYTHING to feel good is going to be difficult.
Member # 43566
posted 08-03-2009 12:27 AM
I see this may be a bit overdue, but I had the EXACT same problem. And I scoured the internet for advice back when I was really depressed about it. I am female and had extreme pain w/ my bf due to girth. It was awful, I was practically traumatized so my sex drive also faded. I couldn't even stand to be penetrated for the first year of "trying" to have intercourse. Another difficult issue was that I was in a long distance relationship...so when we did get to see eachother, the pressure was on to have sex. We both really wanted to, but sometimes he would think I had trust issues or just wasn't turned on by him physically (both of which couldn't have been further from the truth). It really disrupted what was an otherwise fantastic relationship.
My Solution: 1) Lots of fingering. When we would see eachother, he would try more fingers, slowly getting deeper until I felt too much pain. It was like we were trying to stretch me out as delicately as possible. 2) Training with a dildo. For the months we were apart, I practiced penetration with a dildo that was really close to his size (we picked it out together). This way, I wouldn't feel embarrassed when it didn't work(seriously, he was really supportive, but all the failed attempts and bizarre pain made me extremely self-conscious!). I would try to watch porn or something to maintain the "turned on" factor. It honestly felt more like surgery than good masturbation, but I was determined. When I finally got it in, it hurt to move it back and forth. I had to work up to true sexual stimulation. 3) Test with my partner. Once I felt comfortable moving the dildo back and forth inside me, we tried to have sex. And this time it was "successful" in the sense that he got in! However, it took about a month for me to get to an orgasm with him inside me, but we did it :)During that month, I was certainly sore (even had the painful urination mentioned above). But the pain subsided more quickly as time went on. My bf was such a sweetheart about the whole thing! ***GOOD LUCK to all of you with penis/vag size issues***You can make it work****
woman in kansas
Member # 44913
posted 12-06-2009 08:39 PM
i realize you posted your question quite a while ago, but i hope you get this answer anyway. i had this exact same problem all the time - my gynocologist wrote me a prescription for topical lidocaine. it's the same stuff they numb your teeth with at the dentist. your girlfriend can put some in/around her vagina and wait a minute or so. it will burn at first (that's normal), but then she won't have pain. she'll still be able to feel you for the most part and it doesn't seem to affect the penis. that coupled with absolute trust that you'll stop the minute she feels pain - and not be ticked about it or hold it against her - will improve things a TON. Good luck!