T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 22756
posted 05-26-2007 07:14 PM
In January, my boyfriend, Sean, told me he wanted to marry me after I graduate in '09. Things were too good to be true.
I woke up at 230 am on March 28. Couldn't go back to sleep for 5 hours. Then was woken up at 830 am by a phone call from Sean's uncle. Sean was missing. His Jeep was found on fire at 430 am. I went to school. Ten minutes before I went to teach class, his uncle called me again and said, "I don't know how to tell you this. Sean's dead." He was found dead inside his Jeep, burned. No one knows whether it was an accident or murder. I think someone hurt him. I know he would not have killed himself - there's no way. After that I realized why I had woken up. Sean was dying and he must have been calling out to me. That's part of the reason I haven't been back here in so long. I feel like an *** having disappeared but I don't know where else to ask for advice. I got sick last October, had to work 40 hours a week to pay the hospital bill, and by the time I realized I'd been AWOL for so long, Sean told me he wanted to marry me, and I got caught up in that. Now he's dead. At times I wonder whether I'm being punished for something I did in a past life. Or if I had convinced him to live with me instead of move to a big city, he would still be alive. I talk to my therapist once every week and a half or so on the phone, but I'm stuck with my parents for the summer while I'm away from school, and my search for local counseling is not going well. I had a nervous breakdown in public last week. My parents have said some stuff that really upset me. I do not know what to do. I worry too much about the future, mostly because my future - that is, Sean - is gone. All my old worries are coming back. Anyway. I am sorry that I disappeared without notifying anyone. If someone is willing to give me some advice, that would be great. If not, I understand. Thank you. [ 05-26-2007, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: kitka ]
Member # 22471
posted 05-26-2007 07:52 PM
Oh my goodness, sweetie, I am so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I know we were all thinking about you and missing you. Don't be sorry at all for not being around, your life and your well being are far more important.
I wish there was something I could say that could help you more, but just know that we're all here for you and in our thoughts and hearts. Is there any chance right now for you to set-up a different living situation? Relatives, friends, the possibility of getting housing somewhere else at home for the summer? It definitely sounds like your family dynamic is not going to be supportive for you, so maybe getting out of that could help? Any chance, as well, that you could tell your parents very straightly that right now you need their support or for them to simply not say anything, if they're not going to be positive around you during this time? It's good that you can continue the phone sessions with your therapist, that's definitely better than nothing right now (and certainly over the phone with a good therapist is much better than an in person session with a mediocre or bad therapist). [ 05-26-2007, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]
Member # 34041
posted 05-26-2007 08:30 PM
Aww, hon, I am so so sorry. I'm sure you're sick of empathy, but I mean it all the same. I wish I had some good advice for you. Just keep looking for a great counselor, and give yourself time to grieve. This is a huge loss, and I know you know it. Just hang in there...
Member # 29292
posted 05-27-2007 09:17 AM
Just wanted to pop in and offer you some empathy too, if it is still welcome.
I can understand how incredibly hard and difficult this might be, this is something no one ever want to have to go through, although no one is really protected from things like that happening in their life. I gotta say though that I find you extremely strong to be able to go through all of this. So hang in there ! We're here also if you need any help. We'll try to help as best as we can.
Member # 3
posted 05-28-2007 01:01 AM
Kitka: you've my very deepest sympathies. I'm so tremendously sorry this happened.
Especially since, even though I'm now more than 20 years past the time something similar happened to me, I remember all too well how incredibly awful it can be. I hope my bluntness isn't out of order, but while I understand magical thinking with terrible tragedies, and of course, no one has these answers, thinking you've done something in some past life is just probably not helpful for you. People die: all the time. It's basically the one guarantee we have in life, however awful a guarantee it can be, and however much it hurts. And some of the time, when people die, it's in terrible ways, and hurts the people who love them tremendously, leaves them/us without goodbyes, without answers or resolution, and with a great big hole in our hearts and our lives. No need to apologize for dropping off the planet when the planet dropped out from under you, kitka. And having a nervous breakdown when faced with a tragedy is never something to feel ashamed of. So, what can we do to help? (And have you looked into any local support groups for others who have lost partners or spouses? Lots of people report those to be very helpful during times like these, and even though they're often primarily of older people, there's no reason they wouldn't be sympathetic and welcoming to you.)
Member # 13388
posted 05-28-2007 05:26 PM
kitka, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I wish you a lot of time, energy, and opportunities to both mourn (and celebrate what the two of you had); we're here for you if you want to talk about it in this venue.
Member # 30315
posted 05-28-2007 06:02 PM
Hey, kitka - I wanted to let you know that I am so, so incredibly sorry for you. This must be so hard, and I can't say I know what you're going through, but I know you have the strength to get through this awful period. And as Lena said, we're all here for you and you have all of our support and best wishes. *huge hugs*
Member # 34087
posted 05-29-2007 02:01 AM
I'm Very sorry to hear that. You must feel terrible. I think you are right, he was sending you a sign. I don't think you are being punished. It was just his time to go. Everyone has their time, and this was his. I'm Very sorry for your loss. I'm still getting over the loss of my Grandparents. One in April 05, and the other in September 06. I hope you feel better. I send good thoughts your way.
Member # 22756
posted 05-30-2007 03:34 PM
Thanks for all of the kind words, guys. I appreciate it. quote: I hope my bluntness isn't out of order No - I understand what you mean. I have those thoughts much less often than I did when he first died. Part of it comes from being a Buddhist, I think. And part of it is not knowing what happened. But I know that there might never be an answer. If that's the case, I can live with it.
Reading Didion's book was a tremendous help for me, btw. Group counseling makes me very nervous... my counselor can talk to me once every couple of weeks, so I may stick with what I know for now. Thank you for the suggestion, though. I joined a young-widows online forum early last month but stopped posting there - after my initial post, I got few to no responses. I'm wondering if the fact that I'm young and (in legal terms) unengaged and unmarried might make a difference to some older, married widowed adults with children. The most difficult thing is my parents. I love them, but it's difficult. They're reluctant to talk about what I'm going through. I've tried, and it's ended in some upsetting commentary from my mom. They're more interested in arguing with me about my career plans than trying to be supportive. Is this something parents do to 'protect' their children? People have also told me, "It's too early to think about the future," but it's not like I can stop myself from wondering, "What happens next?" I'm confident that I will eventually meet someone, but it's also sometimes tough to think positively about the future.
Member # 568
posted 05-30-2007 11:19 PM
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss, kitka. I'm glad you've made enough recovery to come talk to us again. If you need us, we'll be here. *hugs*