T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 56775
posted 09-18-2011 09:05 PM
Hey, everyone. I wanted to talk about something with you all, and get some viewpoints. I don't exactly need a "plan of action" because I know how I'm going to handle what's going on, but I'd like some opinions. What I want to talk about is what is going on mentally right now.
I'm an 18 year old female, and I always have identified as straight. I definitely like males, everything about them. As for females, the idea of them physically doesn't turn me on or off; I have the physical body, so I'm comfortable with it, so if I see a friend while changing I don't get hot, but I don't feel uncomfortable either. I'm very comfortable within my own body. But over the past two years, I met a few friends who are gay, and we're very close. Up until then, all of my friends were straight, but once I started hanging out with my gay friends...something changed. Yes, most of my other friends are straight, so I'm happy to be able to know both sides, and I am fully supportive of gays and everything like that, so I am not prejudiced against anything my gay friends talk about. But I feel like being around them has made me more open to...homosexual acts done by me personally, even though I'm straight. Does that make sense? Okay, let me show you what I'm talking about. For the past year, I've had this interest in a classmate of mine. I go to an all girls school, btw. She and I are friendly in school, but we never hang out outside of school, and she's definitely straight. I really feel like I like her. Not sexually, really, even though like I said, I'm comfortable with a female body even though I'm attracted to the male. It's like...I really want her to like me and want to hang out with me. My problem is I'm not sure if my feelings are just that I want her and I to be friends, or if I want more. I think she's very attractive, physically and her personality, and I feel like if she wasn't straight and was interested, I'd be willing to try something. But see, the problem here is I'm not sure if I'd be willing to do it because I'm bi, or because it'd be interesting to try. I like knowing things, what they're like. Sometimes I worry I talk like this because I want attention, I want to be "different", and that's just a selfish thing. I don't want to be like that. I also have a history of liking gay guys. It's bad. So sometimes, besides being afraid I act like this for attention, I fear I act like this because it's safe; she's straight, and I know it, and I know liking her won't go anywhere, so it's safe to think about, without hoping for anything, you know? All this is just a jumble with her. what do you guys think about all of this? Thank youu!
Member # 56775
posted 09-25-2011 06:33 PM
Hey, I don't want to sound needy, but I was wondering if anyone was able to help?
Member # 3
posted 09-26-2011 10:47 AM
It's okay to need things! I'm so sorry that this got lost in the shuffle, Ohana.
It's not at all uncommon for people who are queer -- not saying you are, mind, that's something to be determined over time by you -- to have a hard time imagining being with people of the same or similar gender, or even being open to those feelings due to homophobia or lack of exposure to anything but heterosexuality. So, could you feeling more open to the possibility because of having more exposure happen? Sure. But it sounds like with this friend at school, you're describing wanting validation from someone as a friend. In other words, that's sounding to me like a friend crush. What do YOU think? I think it might also be helpful to think about being sexual with someone as something more than "being willing." I mean, I'm willing to push a stalled out car out the road, but it's not what I'd choose to do if my other option was to sit and have a coffee across the street. You seem to have identified, now and in the past, having strong romantic or sexual feelings for men. So, do these feelings for women feel at all like those?
Member # 56775
posted 09-26-2011 08:34 PM
Thanks for replying Heather. Actually, I talked to a friend of mine and tried to sort out my feelings a little more. I think what I'm feeling is mostly a desire for she and I to be closer as friends, for her to want me around more. I think she's wonderful, and I'm still not positive about the feelings that I have, because they sure felt real, and I think they are real, even if the reason isn't because I'm romantically interested, but interested in having her like me as a friend.
The feelings I experienced with her are different from any boy. I currently like a boy now, and it's different. I find this girl very attractive, and really want her to want to hang out with me, but I feel that if I considered myself anything but straight, then I'd be lying to myself and only using that change to be "different" or something stupid like that. It's true I think about this girl often, and want to run into her in the hallway, and feel really happy when we talk, but I don't get the jittery feeling like I do with boys, just a really happy feeling.
Member # 3
posted 09-27-2011 03:01 PM
Can I get you to make a deal with me where you agree to stop calling yourself or your feelings stupid?
Because I'm pretty sure there's nothing stupid about either. I think sometimes we can get so used to the way the world sets romantic/sexual relationships and feelings apart from all other relationships and feelings that it's easy to forget that they often aren't that separated in the reality of our lives and feelings, where things can have some crossover or feel similar and not be so easily distinguished. Really wanting someone to like you, really having interest in someone as a friend? Those can absolutely be very strong feelings, and not automatically bigger or smaller than romantic or sexual feelings, nor any less real. I find that when we're trying to sort out what we feel and want, it can be more helpful to kind of think of these things as differing in flavor more than in, say, importance or intensity, where cultural ideas about what kind of relationship or feeling may be more or less of either of those things often aren't reflective of the diversity of our lives, feelings or relationships. Make sense?
Member # 56775
posted 09-27-2011 04:28 PM
Yes, that does make sense, and since I generally count my friendship relationships as very important ones, I agree with that you just said.
The difference in feelings between the ones I have for this girl and the ones I have with boys is that with her, it's not a rush, a jittery feeling, a sexual desire. It's a very happy feeling; I'm not nervous around her, but I think it's because I know she's straight. I don't feel any pressure to impress her in that way. But I happen to find her attractive as a female. She sits in front of me in my english class, and whenever there's a break in the teacher talking or something like that, she turns around to talk to me. Our desks are really close, so we're right up in each other's faces for the most part lol. But the point I wanted to make was that today we were talking, and she was in the middle of a sentence when I suddenly had the image of leaning in and kissing her; that thought brought happiness, but not a sexual rush. However, the other day we were at a school band performance (me on drums and she on the trumpet) and she was telling me that she was stressed because she had a solo which she only practiced, like 3 times. And I was laughing, and she says "Oh I should just tap dance for them instead!" And I go "What? Tap dance?" and she goes "Yeah, look" and tap dances right in front of me. I start laughing, "Since when could you tap dance?" and she says "Since forever. I did it when I was little but stopped when I got into high school because it was too much." and then she danced a little more again. And I was actually surprised by how attractive I found her when she did that, in a sexual way, especially since I had thought at that point I had come to the decision that the feelings I had for her were only because I craved her friendship. I'm very open when it comes to who you love. Every kind of relationship is acceptable to me, as long as it's faithful and not, for example, the ways gay men are sterotyped to be, because I know that not all of them are actually like that. I'm very secure in my body, and never feel uncomfortable around others of my gender if we have to change in the same room or things like that. I'm not a "free love" kind of chick lol, but I'm open to all kinds. So part of me thinks that it's because of this that I'm thinking about this girl so much. I also am very curious, and want to know about things, and I am very aware that this is in no way a legitimate reason to do this, but sometimes I wish I could try kissing this girl to know what it is like. I'm pretty affectionate to begin with; I fall right into that stereotype of "girls having a lot of feelings and being more open to their sexuality among themselves than men." to be honest though, I'm really questioning this all for myself, because I want to be able to know myself better concerning this. It doesn't matter if I was romantically interested in her, because she is straight, so it wouldn't happen anyway.