T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 76627
posted 08-21-2011 08:05 PM
I like to think of myself as smart. I'm a Thinker. I really like to just sit and muse on the Why's and How's of things. I want to know how things work,and I feel better after coming to internal conclusions that please me.
So it's really bothering me that I can't figure out who/what I am. For a long time after figuring out what sexuality and gender was, I enjoyed thinking it over. Why do people feel or act like this? I've always been very open and accepting of the different genders people saw themselves as, the amazing and very diverse list of sexual orientation, but I thought for a long time that it was because of my inquiring nature that I took to it so lovingly. My best friend, we'll call him R, has been an open homosexual for about 4 years now, coming out barely a year after we had started hanging out and I talked about people needing to be true to themselves and loving who they are. But I don't know anything about myself! I've never been very comfortable defining myself as "straight" although all of my crushes have been on males. It just... doesn't fit. I'm not just sexually and romantically attracted to boys. Girls are beautiful and I'm drawn to them just the same. I don't call myself bisexual though. I can't, really, because I figure it's not accurate if I've never been involved with a female. (I've had one relationship, with a boy). And mentally, I feel more male and refer to myself as such privately. I envy girls that have slim, androgynous figures although I'm attracted to the ones that are soft and curvy. I envy them because I hate the fact that I myself am very feminine looking except for my face. I have a large bust (36F, ick) and high set, wide hips. I realized recently that I like having my hair chopped short because it's a way for me to express myself in a more boyish way (not that short hair is strictly a boy style!) and when drawing myself, it's with a flat chest and slightly male structure. It's just how I've always been, but I never realized it. I used to harm myself, because I hated my body. I thought it was because of being abused when I was younger, but now I suppose it's also partly because I would become so upset and self-loathing whenever I saw my body. I had dressed in over-sized boy clothes to hide my curves, although now I dress a little more feminine. Both then and now, people comment rather rudely about my chest. It makes me dislike myself more. I've recently fallen a little back into depression with my confusion. How can I encourage others to be self-loving and confident in themselves if I can't?? When I talked to R about loving everyone (because I honestly do. I love people for who they are. I love personalities.), he suggested I was pansexual. But that wasn't right. Right? I'm not sure. Right now I'm recovering from a hard fall into Love with a boy. I fell for him because of his wit and sense of self and his views on the world, and had fallen in love his body after. He's a slightly heavy boy with a big bottom lip and wide, sad brown eyes. And I adore him. He's very beautiful to me. But of course, time isn't right for either of us, so I'm making myself settle into a slightly crushing friendship. I've talked to him about my views on actually being male, about liking him still but wanting to try and figure out who I am, seeing if I could ever find myself in a relationship with a girl to determine if I still feel compatible with them and not just having finding them mildly attractive. I wish I could come out to someone about this, but this town isn't really best known for open-minded people, and R is away. Well. TL;DR Inexperienced female feels more like a male and is very confused about her sexuality and gender halp.
Member # 3
posted 08-22-2011 09:42 AM
We couldn't possibly say anyone's external assessment of your gender identity or orientation was right, because the only person's assessment we can be sure is is your own.
What we can, do, though, is give you some language cues that might work for you and feel right. "Pansexual" is a term usually used to express someone who finds that they can be attracted to perhaps the widest sphere of people when it comes to sex and gender: in other words, who can feel attracted to people who are men or women (be that trans or cis), as well as genderqueer, agender, etc. Does that seem like a fit for you? You know, I do want to see you cut yourself a bit of a break here. I don't think anyone can have themselves all figured out at any point in life, and expecting to have that down when we're really young is expecting a heck of a lot. Learning who we are is a lifelong process, one that really never stops. As well, when you're not sure about your gender identity, orientation terms and framing can be woefully confusing, because the two most commonly used -- heterosexual and homosexual -- depend on a person knowing what their own gender identity is. If you're not sure about that or just don't know, then by all means, it's going to be tough, if not impossible, to figure if those terms apply to you. Can you perhaps fill me in a bit more on why you feel like it's so important to know this stuff with certainty right now? What do you feel like that would offer you? If I get this right, though, are you saying that you have, so far, felt romantic and sexual attraction only or primarily to men, but find women aesthetically appealing (beautiful, but that's not about sexual or romantic attraction)?
Member # 76627
posted 08-22-2011 08:42 PM
Hm... I think it might fit then. I guess my understanding of Pansexuality was all wrong!
I'm not really sure, to be honest. I've grown up having to grasp at straws while my family tried to make things work, I guess I just want something that I can have be known and belonging to me, if that makes sense? A sense of security, I think, because I'm used to having to wade through a lot of unknowns or maybe-sos and let's-hope-this-doesn't happen that I guess knowing something intimate about myself would be a life line? Yes, pretty much. I mean, I've felt attracted to the minds of some of my female friends at times, but no, I've never been at the same levels of attraction as of now.
Member # 3
posted 08-23-2011 08:23 AM
That completely makes sense to me. When lots of things in our life and world are constantly changing, we tend to want to have at least some things be fixed and pretty constant.
The trouble is that sexuality is a pretty ill-fitting thing to hitch that wagon to. While it's not really something people can choose to change, it is something that tends to, by its nature, be fairly fluid. And, like you're experiencing, there can be times in our lives when it's harder to get a handle on than most things. "Maybe-so" is, in fact, a pretty good way of describing human sexuality a whole lot of the time. So, my best advice there would be to look to other things about you and your life which are less fluid for that sense of stability.