T O P I C R E V I E W
Member # 64018
posted 05-03-2011 03:08 AM
So let’s put it this way: I knew this guy for a while but couple month ago we started to hang out and party together on regular bases. I loved him as a friend instantly – coz he would never leave me alone at the party, would always watch me (I have asthma attacks sometimes and even if he is near blacking out – he will still be there making sure I breath).
I had a lot of “firsts” with him. Before him I never smoked weed, I rolled first time with him (I can’t roll with anyone else now) I got my first tattoo and he was holding my hand all through it. It may sounds like he is a bad influence on me – but he is not – I’m 20 years old and I only tried it all now. I know my limits and I’m being safe – plus he cares for me – so we just have fun safely. I feel incredibly comfortable around him – he is my sexy security blanket =) I can’t even really go out with out him anymore =\ But then lately I started to notice that I not only love him but I think I’m seriously in love with him =( I am not happy about it – coz why would I want to be in love with someone I can’t be with? He is a type of a gay guy that is surrounded by girls – they love him! I’m trying sooo hard to be special though – when he got sick I was taking care of him (brought him medicine, lemons and stuff like that) when he needs to go to work (even if it is at 4am) I’m there to give him a ride - when he drinks I make sure he is home safe… things like that - And it is not like I do it only coz I want to be special – it makes me happy when I can help. He also loves kissing and making out with girls. He always says that he was always interested in girls and likes girls a lot but can’t “get it up” with girls =\ He also said that I almost “turned him straight” when we rolled lol… I don’t know what to do =\ It is not like I want him to become straight – Bi is totally fine with me =D lol but seriously – I have to do something about it - I love him to death – he loves me back – we say that to each other all the time (but then again he says that to a lot of people) he is the first person in my life to tell me “I love you” and for me to tell it back – I’m European and to me it was really hard to say “I love you” before I met him… It might be an important fact that I had sex only once in my life when I was 17 – I got badly dumped and did not have sex since – so for more than 3 years O_o and it’s not like I’m bad looking girl – I’m pretty hot, I just can’t allow myself to do it =\ I think that’s a big factor why I fell for him so hard – coz we just had fun and even if we make out – I knew it will not go where I did not wanted it to – But now he is driving me crazy - after 3 years I finally found a guy who I like so much to feel comfortable to have sex with and he is gay =( Please help =( I really want to let him know how I feel – but I am afraid… Though if I tell him that when he is drinking he will probably not even remember that – he has an attention span of a gold fish =) [Hey Openminded7, I had to edit your post so that it was not one long paragraph.] [ 05-03-2011, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]
Member # 3
posted 05-03-2011 10:16 AM
Telling someone they "almost turned them straight" is usually a line, in my experience, and it's a pretty crummy, even manipulative, thing for someone to say. No one can turn anyone straight. orientation doesn't work like that. And to say something like that to someone desperate for your attention and validation strikes me as really shifty and insensitive, honestly.
This guy is gay. he's very clear about that, with himself and with you. He's made clear that while he kisses girls and enjoys that for whatever set of reasons he does (which I'm not sure isn't a bit of a game for him, given some of the other context here), he's not interested in a sexual relationship with someone who isn't a guy. You can be as hot as you want to be, but you're not a hot guy, you know? So, I'd figure you need to know that no matter how much soup you make for him when he's sick, how hot you are, what lines he uses, how hard you try to be special to him, you're not going to be a guy and not likely to be someone who he has any kind of relationship beyond what you're already having. That given, is this what you want, how things have been so far? If it is, then you're golden (even though like I said, there are a couple things here where I'm getting the impression this guy is a bit less great than you feel he is). If it's not, I think you need to ask yourself what you do want, including if you really want to keep trying so hard to make something happen that just isn't at all likely to and if it does, probably won't be that great for you. Rather than trying so hard to make yourself special to someone, do you think you might prefer being with someone who thinks you're special and what they want, full-stop, without having to try so hard and feel so desperate about it all? [ 05-03-2011, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]
Member # 60279
posted 05-03-2011 02:24 PM
I would totally love to have someone have my back all the time, stay with me during asthma attacks, bring me soup when I'm sick, see me in all my gruesomeness and love me anyway. Everyone (or very nearly everyone) wants that.
Do not give this job to your gay best friend, because he can be the best friend in the history of friends, but some evening or other, he is going to look around at a party and see someone romantically interesting, and cease to give you his full attention, and if you have not planned in expectation of that moment (stayed sober enough to get home safely, brought your inhaler, retained enough detachment to slink up to him and whisper a little genuine encouragement before clearing yourself out of the flirting line of fire and continuing to have a good time), this moment is going to be awful. This holds for all types of friends, btw. It's not specific to any gender or orientation. If you want someone to be safe with, comfortable with, and to care for and be cared for by... you need someone who's sufficiently romantically interested in you to want to build their life with you. As long as you are tied up feeling safe with this gay guy, you aren't going to be able to go looking for that.
bump on a log
Member # 60751
posted 05-03-2011 04:38 PM
I don't normally consider myself qualified to advise people on these dilemmas, but I've kind of been in your shoes. Last year, when I was 21, I struck up a friendship with a guy and fell hard. I thought he liked someone else. Then I thought he liked me. Then I realised he was asexual. I cried for quite a while. Like you, I'm very uncomfortable with sex, and this was one of only three people I have ever been willing to have sex with. Probably I felt so comfortable with the idea because I was picking up on his lack of interest and that made me feel safe. But even if we never have sex, said I to myself, so what? It's not important and I still love him. I stuck with the friendship. It's great. We live a long way apart and so don't get to see each other often, that's the downside. But we love and care for and support each other and have fun together. I see this lasting long-term. And the thing is that in the past year, things in my life have changed more than I could imagine, and I've met somebody else I want to be friends with, who gives me things my other friend can't, like intellectual conversation. Those kinds of big changes can and do happen, especially to people our age. They may well happen to you.
I can't say how important sex and/or romance are to you. Maybe you'll be acutely unhappy not getting them with him. And where your situation is different to mine is that he is gay and so is liable to fall for a guy, whereas while my friend, who hasn't quite figured things out yet, dates girls if they're persistent enough, he's none too comfortable with it and I know I come first and that a girl putting romantic and sexual relationship demands on him is going to be unsatisfied. But maybe...I mean, friendships can be people's primary relationships. Romantic relationships, especially at our age, tend to be more unstable and hemmed round by all sorts of unwritten codes. You're quite likely to be still around after your friend breaks up with a boyfriend. This could be something of a blessing in disguise. As for longing to tell him, I spent years in love with a straight female friend (I'm bi and female-bodied). After a while I started longing to tell her too and I know how painful that yearning can be. But by then I'd heard her tell me all about guys' unrequited crushes on her and how awkward it made her feel so I kept my mouth shut and in retrospect, boy am I glad I ever did. I still kind of want to tell her and maybe I will when we're both a whole lot older, but for now, no. So consider how he might react before you speak. You're the best judge of these 'relationship dynamics', to use a bit of jargon, and whether he'd be cool with it or not.
Member # 64018
posted 05-04-2011 12:40 AM
WoW! Founder herself replied to me! Thank you Heather. Well I think him saying that I almost “turned him straight” is a way of complementing me or something. I do fully realize that that’s impossible but I and other girls often joke about that. And he in reply usually blames his penis lol that is where I am confused - even yesterday he was like – “honey give me a Viagra and I’ll be good to go” – and it is all laughs but weird – coz many gay guys would not even joke like that. Maybe this is where you say ( there are a couple things here where I'm getting the impression this guy is a bit less great than you feel he is). And about asking myself what I want – I really hope to keep what we already have – he makes me happy and that’s already a big thing – I just need to stop trying to be so special =\ It’s just me – throughout my life I put my friends on 3 steps higher on my list of priorities than I am on theirs =( quote: Originally posted by Heather: He's made clear that while he kisses girls and enjoys that for whatever set of reasons he does (which I'm not sure isn't a bit of a game for him, given some of the other context here) what do you mean by this???
[ 05-04-2011, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Openminded7 ]
Member # 3
posted 05-04-2011 08:12 AM
Happy to be of help. You know, to me, your feelings that he knows he doesn't reciprocate aren't funny. They're your feelings, and they're hard feelings, and I'd expect someone who cared about you to be sensitive about them, not act like he's been acting. I have a funny feeling that your idea of being happy with someone might be a little skewed, and that you're going to find out in time, if you change your own patterns a little, that happy feels a lot less desperate and miserable than this. With the kissing, what I mean is that playing with people's affections, or their desires to have something they can't have can be a really manipulative thing to do, but can also pump up the ego of the person doing that. Make more sense? quote: It’s just me – throughout my life I put my friends on 3 steps higher on my list of priorities than I am on theirs =( That's not "just you," that's about choices you're making in relationships. You absolutely have the power to choose relationships where everything is more reciprocal, but if you want that, you need to steer clear of those which make clear they're much more one-way. For instance, if you want more reciprocal relationships, you need to look at something like this and say to yourself, "Self, I'm not going to get out of this what I put in, and this other person isn't going to give me the same level of care back I'm giving them. So, I'm going to keep this at an acquaintance, put less into it, and save all that energy for relationships with people exerting that same amount."
Know what I mean?
Member # 56775
posted 05-16-2011 06:52 PM
You're not alone here! I'm in the same boat. I'm a 17 year old girl and my best friend is gay...well, recently he has told me that he thinks he is bi, so I'm not quite sure what's going on with him, but either way, he's pretty chill with himself-and I love him. The problem with him is that he's a little...he's a bit of a man slut sometimes, and he knows I like him, but doesn't mind, but has no interest in me like that. It is because of all of this that I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't want to like him anymore- it's taken a year to get to this point. I still like him, but I wish I didn't, I don't thrive on the pain anymore. Maybe you'll feel like this sometime too...all I know is that being with a gay guy is never going to make you truly happy.
Member # 3
posted 05-16-2011 07:22 PM
(Let's please not call people sluts here at the site, okay? Thanks!)
Member # 56775
posted 05-18-2011 07:07 PM
Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it when I wrote it; it does sound mean. If you want to delete that post, you can.
Member # 3
posted 05-18-2011 07:22 PM
No need, but want me to edit it for you? I'm happy to.