T O P I C R E V I E W
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 06-04-2010 05:00 PM
There's already a topic about coming out stories, but I was curious, how did you all come out to yourselves? Was there one aha moment? Did you simply always know? Was it a gradual realization? Or was it something all together different? I'd really love to hear your stories and I'll post my own soon, but I think I'll let you guys get a head start. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies.
Member # 3
posted 06-04-2010 05:35 PM
The tricky thing with me was that given my age, even the term "coming out" was only barely on the horizon, and certainly wasn't anything that came into any kind of education for pre-teens or teens. So, I didn't have any idea there was any such process to go through. The kind of cultural conversation around this that happens now just was not happening very widely then.
Rather, for me, I became aware that I had feelings for people of both genders around the same time, when I was 10 or 11. I liked this boy, but I also liked this girl, and the feelings were all but identical in their tone and intensity. So, I just figured, "I like these boys, and I also like these girls," and pretty much left it at that, liking who I liked, pursuing who I wanted to pursue. It never really dawned on me that it was weird for people to call boys I likes or saw my boyfriends, but girls I liked or was seeing...well, nothing. It was a few years before anyone even told me there were any terms for that at all, and I was called disparaging names for being seen with girls romantically before I got any of the actual positive language for being bisexual/queer.
Member # 48930
posted 09-19-2010 11:22 AM
Thinking back, I was attracted to girls/ women around the same time I started to be attracted to men (I went to a girls only school so I think I was more attracted to girls my age than women in the media, but didnt know many boys my age so attracted to men in media), around early or mid teens
I think all these attractions were quite vague, so while I was told 'how' I was attracted to males (ie romantically sexually and to want a relationship), the only sources I had when I questioned my attraction to women were silly magazine articles about 'girl crushes' (which said that its non romantic/ sexual admiration and your still straight). So I assumed Im straight for a few years. Then I guess in my first year or two of college I started to be attracted to women again, but not very attracted to anyone in particular. Also, I didnt really pursue many attractions to men, or I guess have that many A couple of years ago I got quite drunk with a good friend I admired a LOT, but hadnt admitted to myself I was attracted to her. She asked me if I had kissed a girl before, and I spent the rest of the night thinking about kissing her and being paranoid she would somehow know! We spent most of the night holding hands/ kissing cheeks but I didnt have the guts to ask her why she'd asked or hint more. But the night did make me realise Im not attracted to people along gender lines! That was a couple of years ago, and I have only in the last few months come out as bi (altho I think queer is a better term) to a few friends. I live in the same city as my family and coming out as a whole does not appeal to me at all, at least not while I am living here. Culture & community complicates it for me. I feel I have been exploring my sexuality as a whole in thinking reading stuff and chatting to people, not sure I am in a position to do more than that at the moment - at least not with regard my attraction to women! Incidentally, that friend is not one of those I have come out to. She is still a very good friend, and is very open minded & wouldnt have a problem. But I guess I feel latent paranoia that she would click on that I was/ am attracted to her.
Member # 48854
posted 09-20-2010 04:53 AM
I began to have semi-crushes on girls around the beginning of high school, I think. My first real crush wasn't a guy, it was the girl who was (and is) my best friend, she's a couple years older than me and we used to hang out all the time. She's amazing.
So, four years ago or so, when I realized I was attracted to this girl (call her Kay) she had a boyfriend and I did my best to give up. And pretty much bottled that confused part up. Then a little while ago, Kay came out via Facebook status. I read it and realized that I admired her, and was envious of her courage, and had a sudden reappearance of my crush. That, combined with some previous stuff concerning my few disastrous romantic relationships with guys, convinced me that my niggling questioning since 9th grade was probably more than questioning at this point. Kay knows that I'm majorly questioning, because I put a board up on another forum and I sent her the link, but she doesn't know I've figured myself out, and nobody else has a clue (I think). I've got about the same problem as WeatherMagnets right now...I want to tell Kay that I've figured it out, but I still have a major crush on her, and I'm kind of worried that she'll pick up that I have a thing for her. And I'm pretty sure she has a girlfriend, plus, she's 1500 miles away. It's pretty much a rotten deal.
Member # 48229
posted 09-20-2010 05:21 PM
My whole life I was bi, that was all there was to it. I just always felt the attraction (in fact, my first sexual experiences and curiosities as a child were more so with girls than boys)and because my sister was a lesbian I already kinda figured about the terms and social standards. I accepted my bisexuality, because even in my little kid mind I understood that you love who you love, their bits don't have to make a difference.
Funny thing is, now I'm a lesbian. This is extremely recent. I realized this when I slowly stopped watching porn with guys in it, and then would get turned OFF by porn with guys in it. And then when I stopped caring about sex with my boyfriend, and I knew I had to end it with him when I was seeking women online even while we were still together. It was a sad and desperate few weeks. But I see sexuality as a liquid and the transition was quite smooth. Since almost everyone I knew knew I was bi, telling them I was now a lesbian was a tad surprising but not that difficult to swallow.
Member # 43186
posted 10-17-2010 01:22 AM
When I was thirteen or fourteen, I considered very briefly that I might not be straight after talking to some friends from a summer camp I went to. I discarded the notion very quickly, and I still haven't figured out why--perhaps just because of how fluid sexuality can be, perhaps because I was afraid I was "just trying to be trendy" although none of my friends would've seen it that way, perhaps because the only queer people I had come in much contact with previously were adult lesbians, and I just didn't realize it could apply to me.
At fifteen and a half, having become a lot more educated about sex and sexual orientation, the thought occurred to me again and I just thought about it really hard for two days, journaled and took walks, and came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. This was, ironically, only a week or two after I'd announced to my friends that I aesthetically preferred the female body, but was only sexually attracted to males. These days, if I am asked about my orientation, I tend to say "pansexual" or "I just like who I like", because I prefer more inclusive language (and frequently find myself attracted to people who are genderqueer/genderfluid)
Member # 50337
posted 12-01-2010 03:04 PM
Around 10-ish, I started to notice girls.
I never even realsied I was noticing them, until it suddenly dawned on me that I kept looking at other girls. I was disgusted with myself, and I kept telling myself I had to stop it, that maybe it was just a phase, or something like that. I never dreamt of telling anyone. I'd always had boyfriends- that was what all my friends did. But I never really noticed boys until I was 13-ish. When I was around 12, I was slowly becoming used to the idea that I wasn't straight. I wasn't happy about it in any way, I was just accepting that I wasn't. Then one day in an art lesson my (ex) friend (Who caused alot of bother for herself by bitching at everyone else at every opportunity she got- And got me to fight her battles for her.) was being called all sorts of names. Then one of them said something about her being a lesbian, then they all started calling her it, so I blew my top and shouted at them that they couldn't say things like that, that it wasn't right. They turned on me and started going on about how it shouldn't make any difference to me, and why am I bothered when they say that? They kept going on for ages. And then I just let it slip. I didn't want to tell them that I only liked girls, that was going too far. That was just wrong. So I told them I was bi. You should have seen the shock on their faces. They didn't talk to me for the rest of that lesson. By the end of the day, almost everyone from most of my classes, and other people in the year knew. I'm still being teased now, two years on. But at least I really am what I've come out as. And after about 6 months, the teasing stopped getting to me. I had other stuff to deal with (Which I'm not going to go into) and the teasing about my sexuality was just the same thing over and over. It wasn't upsetting, it was just boring. After about a year, it died down a bit, but I still get it every other day. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. He's uncomfortable with me being bi, but he doens't make a thing out of it. We just don't mention it and it doesn't bother us. I think I just came out at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. I don't even believe in coming out. It's not something that you need to do. It's you and you only. If you choose to tell your friends, sure. But telling everyone just isn't the right thing.
moonlight bouncing off water
Member # 44338
posted 12-04-2010 01:27 PM
Okay, going to put my story in now (and I'm glad to see that people's stories are so varied, I no longer feel like I am the one person who didn't have the same experience).
Senior Kindergarten was the first time I felt attracted to someone(to the extent a 3 or 4 year old can feel attraction anyway) it happened to be a girl. I thought that she was the most amazing and pretty girl in the whole school, but I was baffled that others didn't feel the same way about her. I wanted to fit in, and so I put aside these feelings (that I could not identify) and my crush faded quickly ( I was after all, very young). My life went on and I had many frequent, but short-lived crushes on girls. I crushed on guys as well, however these crushes were so few and far between that I exaggerated them (without knowing)to compensate for the time when I was crushing on girls, but denying it, and still appeared to hardly ever crush (which, in and of itself is not at all unusual). Fast-forward a few years and I began to have serious feelings for a girl I was some-what friends with. I began to realize that I was feeling things for females. I could barely admit to myself that I might be a lesbian. I told myself that I was being disgusting and I objectified every woman I saw, telling myself that "I'm a lesbian I should find her hot, that I shouldn't want to wear make-up or skirts and that I should "act like a guy". It was a really damaging time psychologically, fortunately, it did not last more than a few weeks, when I began to fantasize about a guy, and I thought (not knowing bisexuality existed) "thank gosh! I must be straight." But from that point onwards I was never really resolved to the "fact" that I was straight. 6 to 9 months (or perhaps 2 years) later I realized that I liked a female friend. This coincided with a dream about getting a female friend (whom I have never been attracted to) pregnant, then realizing it was impossible, as I am female. These two events got the wheels turning in my mind, and fortunately a Google search sent me the way of you wonderful people, and I began to accept LGBTQs, especially myself as bisexual. My coming out has been tumultuous and incomplete. But now I am comfortable in my own skin and that is good enough for me.
Member # 50451
posted 12-05-2010 05:33 PM
well, i have had crushes on boys/men since childhood. my first crush was when i was three, i still remember his full name.
when i was thirteen i was on my schools volleyball team. and that meant, spandex. it was around that time that it sort of dawned on me, oh yeah, girls are hot too. then i sort of looked back on my life and was like hey! i totally had a crush on her, how did i not REALIZE? for about a year after i went back and forth and foreword with maybe im a lesbian, no i must be straight, but at the end of the day, i like both, and i have finally accepted it.
Member # 47356
posted 01-22-2011 11:59 PM
As tempting as it is to psychoanalyze my past, I'm not particularly sure. I know that by 8th grade i had begun to ask my friends about their opinions about questioning. Slightly after this, I felt kind of forced to define myself, not by my friends, but by this general feeling of...choose! Though I am still in the questioning process and feel like I am to young to definitively interpret my feelings (if ever i will) i remember this stifling fear of the unknown overcoming me when i first began to puzzle it all out. I knew my parents where accepting enough, but it seems that somewhere along the way i had gotten the message that deviating from the norm was dangerous. Either way, I began to open my mind to the possibilities, and several crushes and conversations with close friends later, I am where I am now. Sometimes I wonder if i suppressed, didn't notice, or slowly developed the part of me that is attracted to other women. I suppose I'll never know.
bump on a log
Member # 60751
posted 04-16-2011 11:40 AM
A large part of my gender dysphoria, which was set off by witnessing my parents' bad relationship, is a profound fear of heterosexuality, or 'traditional' heterosexuality at any rate; of being 'the woman' in a straight relationship. As a child I did not realise this. I also only ever crushed on boys.
At twelve, having gone through the big events of puberty and being in possession of a developed sex drive, I began to feel, out of nowhere it seemed, a fascination with male homosexuality: how was it possible for a guy to like another guy? How could that be? I thought about that a lot. At the same time I was terribly afraid that I might be gay. There was no evidence to suggest gayness, I still only crushed on boys, but I was frightened about it, because gay seemed such a terrible thing for me to be -- I had picked up bad messages about it from school etc. At fourteen I had read a lot about homosexuality and I positively hoped I was bi, but I didn't seem to be very bi. At fifteen, having felt only slight and brief attraction to females and a whole lot more for males, I reluctantly concluded that I was pretty much straight. Then I fell in love with a girl. I wasn't trying to, I wasn't expecting to, it took me several months to realise I was in love and my one-sided feelings were to cause me repeated heartbreak for years. I just suddenly, out of the blue, fell very hard indeed for a female classmate. At sixteen I was sitting at the kitchen table doing my math homework, not thinking about my sexuality consciously at all, and there seemed almost physically to fall onto my head, like Newton's apple out of the sky, the sudden and complete realisation of the reason behind my gender dysphoria and my homosexual tendencies: I had been terrified by the emotional damage my father had inflicted on my mother. It all made sense, between one moment and the next. [ 04-16-2011, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: bump on a log ]
bump on a log
Member # 60751
posted 06-08-2011 05:16 PM
Just remembered some stuff I've not mentioned. Way back, when I was nine or ten, I watched a TV programme about sailors and a guy who got kicked out of the fleet for being gay. I only dimly remember it, but I can clearly remember the moment-of-revelation scene: one sailor asked another where he'd been or something like that, and the other guy replied, "I was in his arms" -- 'him' being his boyfriend, of course. That stuck in my mind, moved me in some way I couldn't explain. Even earlier in my life, I think, my mother had been talking to me about the Iliad and had said of Achilles, "Patroclus is his best, best friend, who he loves." She thought me too young to hear about Teh Gay, but I picked up that this meant something special and it struck some still-obscure chord in me, as my remembering of her exact words shows.
When I was twelve and saw Billy Elliot, I was deeply moved by the scene where his gay best friend Michael kisses him. This disturbed me a bit: was I gay? No, surely not: these were boys. What all these moments were was inklings of an identification I wouldn't figure out until I was sixteen, when I labelled myself "a homosexual youth in a girl's body".
Member # 51804
posted 06-08-2011 07:33 PM
My story's a little complicated.
I never really "liked" anyone, or at least I thought I didn't. I assumed I would become straight more than I ever thought I was straight. At 12/13 I tried to convince myself I had crushes on guys but it didn't work; and I was starting to get a bit worried I would never fancy anyone. By complete chance I stumbled across the label asexual when I was 13, looked into it and it seemed like me, so I started identifying as asexual. Just before I turned 14 I had a "lightbulb moment" when I realised that I had a massive crush on this girl E, and had done for months without realising. Instantly, I was sure it was a real crush; but I spent a while afterwards questioning whether it was really one of those "admiration girl-crushes" that straight girls apparently have. I realised I had actually had crushes on girls before (since the age of 6), but I couldn't imagine myself having sex with a girl, nor did I want sex with a girl; so I began identifying as an asexual lesbian/homoromantic asexual. I was still questioning about my a/sexuality but I was confident in my feelings for girls. It was never an issue, I think I was more relieved that I liked SOMEBODY than anything, and I'd always had very positive messages about homosexuality growing up. I started thinking about coming out, and I decided that whether I was asexual or not, it wasn't really anyone who wasn't involved in my sex life's business; so I would just come out as a lesbian. I also thought maybe those feelings might develop as I got older/if I had relationships. This isn't a coming out story so, I came out, and I got a girlfriend. During the relationship I realised that I did develop those feelings, but that they were just for her, and they took a really long time. So now I identify as a demisexual lesbian. Or queer, sometimes.
Member # 58203
posted 06-09-2011 05:23 AM
I had one moment when I realised I was actually attracted to girls, then gradually realised I liked guys. I didn't have any male friends, so I was mostly around girls. I still don't know if the attraction would have been 50/50 or not, but it's close to that now. I enjoyed checking people out but never thought it meant anything. I had a crush on a girl when I was 12, as in I thought she was pretty and really liked her. Then I realised I had a crush on her. I was worried because my parents viewed homosexuality as being weird and not normal, and I wanted to live a normal straight life. The romance I'd seen in the media really bored me- stuff about teenage girls I had nothing in common with crushing on guys I thought were unattractive because it seemed like everyone was doing that. I remembered reading that straight people often had same-sex crushes when they were young, so I breathed a sigh of relief and ignored the whole thing for a few months.
I kept crushing on this girl but became sexually attracted to another girl. Then I realised these crushes were more than a passing thing. I thought I had no interest in boys and knew by then that I liked girls, so the logical conclusion was that I was lesbian. I completely freaked out, feeling like I couldn't really be a part of society. I told myself I was bi because it meant I could still end up with a guy eventually. After all, I hardly knew any boys. Eventually I really began to believe it, especially once I had a few male celebrity crushes (Legolas anyone?). Then when I was 13 I watched a movie and could barely contain my amazement at how gorgeous one of the male leads was. I basically identify as bi now. I'm physically attracted to many girls, and while I'm picky when it comes to guys the ones I do like usually turn me on more. I have yet to decide if I can be physically attracted to someone who's gendrqueer.